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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum friends are boring

124 replies

Shesaformidableactress · 11/12/2022 21:00

That sounds really awful I know..and it’s probably me that’s actually boring these days…I just find my mum friends very nice, but really dull. It’s the circle I’m in now and I’m grateful to have them but I don’t feel the same sense of fun or interest when meeting up as I did with my other friends…from school, college, work etc. I’m still in touch with my old friends but they all live far away.
It just feels sort of false and surface level, I feel a bit lonely in these friendships I suppose, does anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 11/12/2022 21:32

Sounds like you haven’t really found your proper friends: with my NCT group they were very nice and we would meet up and chat but I think we all knew that the only thing we had in common was similar age babies. I’ve since met some other mum friends who are amazing and I’m truly lucky to have found.

Windtunnel · 11/12/2022 21:40

Yes it can take time. I've had quite a... varied...past and had to reign in what I said a lot out of fear of being rejected for being too foreign or whatever.

Otoh I often found them quite dull. I stuck with it though and made sure I treated them really friendlily. As time went by some morphed in to real friends!

LookWhatYouDidYouLittleJerk · 11/12/2022 21:42

I think for every 15 mum friends, you might have 1 that you click with and find something in common.

When I started going to baby groups years back now, I had no intention of making friends, it was to get me out of the house and talk to adults to fill the void with having only DC to talk to. But I ended up making many lovely friends, and we had some shared experiences, odd meals out, but once we went back to work, they became more like acquaintances/ Facebook friends. However, I made one best friend from those days and she’s my partner in crime. She was similar to me in attitude, work ethic, parenting and similar hobby and we both made an effort with each other despite busy lives.

Fast forward to school age DC, again, 30 odd acquaintances (some who I couldn’t tolerate long with as they were boring 😳) but then another best friend out of that group. We think the same, parent the same, have the same dark humour etc.

Don’t worry about them not being your type. Keep socialising and one will come along and will just click with you. You’ll have your own list of qualities and interests that mean more to you in a friendship so a case of working that out.

Bitbloweyoutthere · 11/12/2022 21:45

I've had one set of mum friends for 14 years and one set for about 7. I see them more regularly than my school friends and it's def not boring. With my school friends, I'm the extrovert. With my mum friends, I'm somewhere in the middle.

secretllama · 11/12/2022 21:48

You're just unlucky. My mum group is fab, a small group of 8 and we just had our Christmas night out this weekend. We see ourselves as friends now, not just antenatal group.

secretllama · 11/12/2022 21:51

You've just been unlucky* I meant to say. And I know how that feels because the antenatal group for my 2nd baby is dire. But I really lucked out with the first group and we are very close.

Mañanarama · 11/12/2022 21:52

I had some nice mum friends but then covid hit and my youngest left primary school and I soon realised I didn’t really miss any of them, after 7 years of play dates/cafes/nights out. They were circumstantial mates, not proper proper ones.

MarshaMelrose · 11/12/2022 21:53

You're friends because you have kids on common. Not because you have things in common.

SkankingWombat · 11/12/2022 21:53

Largely it's a numbers game IME, like dating. It takes time and/or luck to find The One or your tribe. It helps if you don't also maintain that inoffensive mum-friend blandness through fear of alienating people though - being your quirky self scares off a good number who aren't a good fit, and will attract other more interesting (and fun!) people. There is always the added complication with mum friends however, that you don't want to be too out there or judged to have done something awful lest it bounces back to cause issues for your DCs. For that reason I am never completely unguarded around those groups of friends. I'm still not sure how you broach trickier subjects without the risk of being the topic of playground gossip should the 'friend' have a different life perspective. It takes a lot of gentle sounding out over time or a shit load of alcohol .

I'm still closest to a small number of my pre-DC friends (who are now also parents themselves), and can be completely unguarded with them. They know where all the bodies are hidden, I know where they've hidden theirs, and none of us judge. I have mum friends that are good friends and I can be 90% myself around. Certain topics and dodgier parts of my life are definitely avoided being spoken about. Then there are acquaintances that get a toned down me, polite chat, and no backstory.

chickywick6 · 11/12/2022 21:54

Not my experience at all. Have made some great mum friends.

StressedOutMama7808 · 11/12/2022 21:54

What mum groups though?

I took DD1 to massage and yoga classes and it seemed some of the women had joined together so their friendships were already established.

Now with DD2, when I actually manage to get out of the house, i only ever end up in my local Costa with a book.

Sandysandwich · 11/12/2022 21:56

I guess it helps if you would be friends with them if you didn't have a primary school in common.
I have 'mum friends' who I talk to at the gates, playdates and school events and they are perfectly nice but it is surface level friendships because we are not similar people, different ages/interests/backgrounds.
I have mates who are also mums who I met through the library or at the park and we have a way better time because we have stuff in common and can have a laugh and talk about stuff that isn't just our plans for the next bank holiday.

Noln · 11/12/2022 21:59

It depends. I've mostly not bonded with a single mum in either of my kids schools, beyond polite chit chat that's perfectly fine but doesn't feel like friendship. We've organised playdates and spent sometimes whole days together and it's been fine but as you say, surface level.

However, one of the mums I met via a playdate is amazing and we are now, three years down the line, pretty much best friends and spend so much time together. It feels like I've known her forever and it's so comfortable. Our partners get along too and we do stuff all together.

So I don't really count the other women as friends, more we politely tolerate each other and chat so our kids can play. But I never mind having these play days now because you never know when you might actually click with someone!

Leemoe · 11/12/2022 22:01

I don't think I've ever had a 'mum friend'
All of my friends are from work/uni/teenage years.
Do you mean school gate mums? I have never befriended one of those tbh.

wincarwoo · 11/12/2022 22:04

Out of my eldests class there are four or five mums who are fun and interesting and I'd be friends with them wherever I'd met them.

My youngest is in reception and so far I'm stood in my own in the playground. None of them appeal.

Calphurnia88 · 11/12/2022 22:06

I absolutely get this.

9 months into mat leave I would say it boils down to two things;

  1. Finding and prioritising people who you genuinely click with, and not ending up stuck (which sounds awful I know, but it happens) with people you don't enjoy spending time with but felt obliged to sign up to a sensory class with/meet in the park
  2. Making an effort to not just talk about baby things when you meet. I really struggled with this for the first few months because I was so overwhelmed with motherhood that I lost myself a bit. Now I try to remind myself that I have more to offer than just being a mum, so if I find myself falling into the trap of just 'talking baby' I'll try and change the subject
diffandproud · 11/12/2022 22:14

It's not that they are mum friends..there are many different types of mums..u are just in the wrong circle and yes it sounds boring,I wouldn't like it either.
I have the best laughs with my mum friends and have had some wild nights out along the way

Devoutspoken · 11/12/2022 22:16

They're just human beings, the fact that they're mums is neither here or there, you could have met them at work

chickchickpox · 11/12/2022 22:17

I'm a Mum (first of my group of friends to have children) and I have to agree since all my friends have become Mum's they've become so boring in conversation. I much preferred going out with them when I was the only Mum and they hadn't had children yet, we didn't speak about kids at all and had much more fun and interesting conversations!

TheaBrandt · 11/12/2022 22:19

The women I met through having kids were way more interesting and like minded than anyone I met at work. 12 years on we are still friends most of the kids aren’t anymore

CrapBucket · 11/12/2022 22:22

I love female friendships. My best friends in the world are all mums. That doesn't mean I'm friends with everyone at the school gates. I just meet a lot of people and keep things going with the best ones!!

bravelittletiger · 11/12/2022 22:26

I don't agree with this. My friends I've met through my kids (which I assume is what you would consider to be a mum friend) I have chosen to be friends with because I like them as people. I would only make an effort to be mates with people I've met if I feel we connect as people aside from being mums.

I actually find my mum friend relationships to be even better than my old friends in some ways behave we connect on a "normal" level and we also understand the hard graft of parenting.

SpuytenDuyvil · 11/12/2022 22:27

I think if mum friends as colleagues, rather than real friend friends. Once your DC go to different schools, you will see who is a real friend.

magma32 · 11/12/2022 22:29

On the flip, I grew out of my single friends as I found them becoming more and more vacuous.
I was a mum yes but I was working as well and had varied interests, whilst many did involve my children I found them important such as education, health etc and all they were talking about were false eyelashes and spending ages on YouTube looking at make up tutorials, we were into cool music and bands, women’s rights etc but I moved away for a while and came back to the talk of make up and empty gossip on who was cheating on who.

It was really boring.
I am very picky with who i consider friends whether they are mums or not, usually those who share similar interests on child rearing, politics (not the same views but we can have open mature
discussions) and general lifestyle issues. I feel I have matured more as person and after having kids than when I was single, a lot may have to do with venturing out of my comfort zone advocating for my kids so I tend to gel with people who prioritise the same things as me, and no that doesn’t involve endless talk about baby sick and CBeebies. But then I find that far more interesting than false eyelashes.

HotMummaSummer · 11/12/2022 22:34

My first DC was born in 2020 so I only made one close mum friend. We see eachother 3 times a week sometimes for days out, brunches and toddler groups! We met through our partners working together.
My second DC was born march this year, and I've made lots more mum friends but none as close. We see eachother at the same groups each week but that's it. I'm not sure we'll ask still meet up when everyone goes back to work

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