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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum friends are boring

124 replies

Shesaformidableactress · 11/12/2022 21:00

That sounds really awful I know..and it’s probably me that’s actually boring these days…I just find my mum friends very nice, but really dull. It’s the circle I’m in now and I’m grateful to have them but I don’t feel the same sense of fun or interest when meeting up as I did with my other friends…from school, college, work etc. I’m still in touch with my old friends but they all live far away.
It just feels sort of false and surface level, I feel a bit lonely in these friendships I suppose, does anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/12/2022 22:38

Is it that they are acquaintances in the same situation as you rather than actual friends.

Mum-friends to me are the same as work-friends or whatever - it just means people you are friendly with. I have proper friends who are mums and from from work, but I’d just call them friends.

adolescent and YA friendships are very intense and you are now in a different life stage so it will be different - but basically, you need to make some actual friends.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/12/2022 22:38

I've had aquaintences through being a mum, but no proper friendships that exist beyond children being at the same life stage. Not that I ever made proper friends through work either.

My real friendships have come from doing activities with shared interests. Children are pretty adept at stomping all over that! My interests tend to be a bit niche and it's been quality over quantity over the years.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/12/2022 22:39

Not only can they get quite boring, but a group of them can treat anyone not in the group like a pariah.

Summerfun54321 · 11/12/2022 22:44

I found the boring mum friends improved when the kids got a bit older. You confessed yourself you are also boring. Having young kids doesn’t always give you a lot to talk about.

caoraich · 11/12/2022 22:51

I found these friendships improved vastly once the kids were taken out of the equation 😆
I have a group of mum pals who I met on ML but only really became close with when we returned to work. We all have varied professional careers and really helped each other navigate that stuff. I had known one of them for 6 months before realising our PhDs were in almost identical fields! We all meet up for drinks, gigs etc though we do arrange play dates too. There is minimal rash chat. I'm really lucky to have them

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2022 22:53

I'm the same. I assumed it was because our babies were little except now our babies are older and they are still dull!!

csecdec · 11/12/2022 22:54

agree. and all the convos are ‘so has bobby tried broccoli yet/does he sleep/when do you go back to work’ etc etc. i’ve stopped bothering

csecdec · 11/12/2022 22:56

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/12/2022 22:39

Not only can they get quite boring, but a group of them can treat anyone not in the group like a pariah.

this^ i went to a library with a kids part the other day and there was a group of mums there with toddlers younger than mine, kept giving me dirty looks, moving their kid away if mine went anywhere near theirs etc etc and made me feel so awkward. sadly doesn’t seem to be uncommon when there’s a group of them

LemonSwan · 11/12/2022 22:57

The mum friends thing made me realise every one has a story. I am sure you have many a tale yourself op but likely haven’t divulged. Try opening up a bit and you will be surprised what you find out about people!

Sometimeswinning · 11/12/2022 22:59

BabyOnBoard90 · 11/12/2022 21:02

YANBU. They're very boring, and the conversations are dread.

But don't expect much support here.

Tbf mine are still my friends years later. We went through the tough, boring times together. It's not always other people who are the problem...!

LemonSwan · 11/12/2022 23:00

Go on do a practice here anonymously lol 😂

Tell us something wild and unexpected about you?

gaf · 11/12/2022 23:05

I’ve got a great groups of mum friends. We met when our DC started school and it’s gone from there. Our children aren’t necessarily all friends now as they’ve grown their friendships have changed but us mums are all still friends and socialise regularly.

BeautifulWar · 11/12/2022 23:06

It's a numbers game, really. Think back to school or work - there must have been pleasant people you spoke to that weren't actual friends. That's the same thing that's going on here.

RemindMeAgain · 11/12/2022 23:13

I find a lot are very holier than thou. I’m not exactly wild, I have a responsible job and two young children who are the absolute centre of my world but I still like a laugh. I still enjoy fashion and rock music and an occasional night out or a gig but that doesn’t make me Courtney Love does it!

worstusernameeverx2 · 11/12/2022 23:14

This is the reason I don't bother with them, I'm around babies constantly I don't want to talk about them when I hang out with adults

StellaGibson2022 · 11/12/2022 23:15

5128gap · 11/12/2022 21:19

I found this too. I suppose that's what can happen when all you have in common is demographic rather than humour, attitudes, values and interests.
Mum groups also have such a bad reputation for fall outs, offence taken etc, I'd imagine people are a bit cautious about revealing too much of themselves, and play it safe with house style (boring) small talk rather than take a risk bringing anything too interesting to the table.

Is this true - about the fall outs etc? Is it well known? What might the reason be I wonder.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/12/2022 23:16

I found this as a mother of a very young child. It's the period of their lives as opposed to anything intrinsic about the people. As individuals they may be fascinating people with the potential to be very rewarding friends but they are in a part of their lives which doesn't allow headspace for much other than weaning, nursery, coughs and colds etc. And at the particular time of life the prospect of having an in-depth heart to heart with someone is about as remote as the possibility of going to Antarctica.

I made friends with a half-dozen mums from this period in my life and I am not in touch with any of them any more. They were all nice, interesting people so I think in other circumstances we could have become proper friends but we were all so completely immersed in early motherhood.

As you get older and your kids become more independent and interesting I think it does get easier to have proper friendships with mums who you meet through being a parent, because its easier to integrate the children into more interesting things. Not everything revolves around soft play and having to be close a toilet and you can do things which are of interest to adults too. And conversation doesn't revolve around feeding schedules, intolerances and potty training.

Among the "mum friends" from my DD's primary school I'm still in regular contact with 5 or 6, two years into secondary. It may be that they more more "me" people but I'm sure its not a coincidence. Being a mother of a tiny child is so utterly draining it doesn't leave much room for personality.

LexMitior · 11/12/2022 23:28

It's often pretty boring tbh and there can be a dull element of competitive parenting which is a good sign it's a waste of time putting much effort in.

Still got one or two good friends from that time, the rest... no.

Once the kids are in secondary, then it stops being a thing you might have to worry about. I was relieved!

suzyscat · 11/12/2022 23:31

I did a lonely couple of years with surface level mum friends which was a bit dull, then I made a proper mate who you get pissed and belly laugh with. Then I made more as my kids got older, also my older friends started having kids too.

Fun mums are out there, but I know what you mean. Sooo much small talk in the early days.

HintofVintagePink · 11/12/2022 23:32

My best mum friends are the ones that I got to know once the children weren’t around!

Itsoktogiveup · 11/12/2022 23:43

You need friends who share your interests, or values, or background, or sense of humour. If you just happen to have had children in the same location as them the. That isn’t enough common ground to create a real friendship

Do give it time tho, try to find out what their interests are before giving up on them.

I met some lovely ‘mum friends’ at the school gate and now we holiday together but I did have to ditch my whole NCT group. No sense of humour, that lot, it was so lonely hanging out with them.

EmmaAgain22 · 11/12/2022 23:46

Sounds like bad luck
I'm not a mum and looking for friends and find a lot think you're weird if you never wanted kids. i don't mind if friends do or don't have them, don't think it has any relevance to having stuff to talk about or shared interests.

Whitecitygirl · 11/12/2022 23:49

underneaththeash · 11/12/2022 21:23

I remember a play date where I was offered come (I declined). Too old and driving home.

You were offered come???????!!!

antipodeancanary · 11/12/2022 23:58

This is ridiculous. You are a Mum friend, but you don't find yourself boring? Your real friends are also Mum friends to someone else, but you think they are interesting. How likely is it that you have happened across a group of mum's who are all dull as ditch water?

CaramelizedNuts · 12/12/2022 08:12

@Shesaformidableactress

Are you and kids young ? I think both of those are a bad combo.

What do you mean by boring? Do you have an easy baby and they don't / have PND? Do you want to be going drinking every Friday ?

I'm 15 years into friendship with my mum friends and we are like scaffolding to each other - when needed though . We have the same challenges with kids but a shed load of life experience and difficult events between us to make of meaningful but it's taken time.