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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found this out. Holidays/ family.

125 replies

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:16

I've just found out that my parents paid for my brother and sisters family holidays.

My parents went with them, separate holidays. My sister has 2 kids. And my brother has 3. They paid for everything except spending money.

I guess I'm jealous and annoyed at the imbalance. I haven't been on holiday in 4 years due to finances. Siblings are both single parents (brother not main caregiver though)

We are all in similar financial situations so it's not like I'm well off and they aren't.

I know I'm not entitled to anything at the end of the day but feeling a bit miffed about it.

The secrecy too. Parents never mentioned it. Neither did siblings. Felt like a secret I've been kept out of?

My parents have sold their holiday home and will be getting the money soon so part of me is wondering if I'll be offered the same once they have that?

Though I know it's rude of me to think that, but can't help it.

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 10/12/2022 21:55

My df and his dw won Big Money. Until then they had had seen me and my dc weekly for at least 10 years.
We were dumped... Not even a bag of sweets between the dc.. Df sent me a Xmas card and a phone number.. I rang him and he told me he had moved to their new home . His dw ranted no room for any dc and I hung up...
Been over 20 years..

CovertImage · 10/12/2022 21:59

Snoopystick · 10/12/2022 19:31

It’s your parents money to do with what they wish.

Well quite. I don't which is funnier, the entitlement shown by PPs in this thread or that they still call themselves the "child" when they're grown adults with children of their own.

And after all, it turns out that OP didn't need to make a thread after all inviting people to slag off her parents, even anonymously

dontputitthere · 10/12/2022 22:19

Fizzadora · 10/12/2022 20:22

Don't feel bad for thinking what you did OP it's a perfectly normal reaction.
Yes it would have been better if your family, especially your parents had talked to you about it and explained what their plans where, but they didn't and it's done now.
Hope you have a lovely holiday next year.

if that was the case why didn't her mum say that when she was caught out?

Surely that's the first thing to say? Oh shit. Sorry we're going to take you next year.

Not wait until they've had a chance to think about shit it looks and come up with something.

But hey ho. Like I said it's the secrets and lies that's the worst aspect of this. Never a good look in a family...

tikkititi · 10/12/2022 22:21

I'm sorry, op. It sucks and isn;'t fair.

My parents bought my brother a house and for me, nada.

They all seem ok with that.

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 11/12/2022 17:39

It's shit OP.
My DM buys my DSis a present "from" my DNephew every birthday and Christmas because she's a single mum. I've been a single parent twice, once with newborns and once with teenagers, not once has she done this for me. I only found out last week- my DNephew is 14 and my sister has been a SP since his birth.... no advice, sorry, but Flowers

Dragonella · 11/12/2022 17:57

That is mean... Regardless of they being single parents.. They could at least give you the equivalent spend towards your holiday... You should always treat your kids equally regardless of their financial situation.

MysteryBelle · 11/12/2022 18:29

I don’t blame you for being upset. They are not treating you right at all.

Morgysmum · 11/12/2022 18:32

From the sound of it, they don't think you are struggling. They probably think, because you have 2 wages coming in, you can afford it.
As we all know, this isn't necessarily the case. We haven't had a holiday, in about the same time as yourselves. We were hoping for one next year. As I know have a full-time job, so we might get one.
However that isn't going to happen, due to our landlord selling our house. So now we have to move house.
So I guess the that's the thinking, but it does seem odd that they didn't tell you about it.

UsingChangeofName · 11/12/2022 18:38

I'm glad your Dad has now said they will take you next year, but I can't understand this

I just said oh that nice of you.

Surely, at the very least you'd have said "Oh. That's nice. Do I get a holiday too at some point ?"

Mari9999 · 11/12/2022 18:42

Is it also possible that if you have to care for your partner that they may think that travel for you may be inconvenient? Will you expect them to pay for your partner? Will he require any special accommodations?
All of those factors may play into the situation. Do either of your siblings have 3 or more children?

Your circumstances may impose more cost and more planning than the others may require. Apart from the travel , do they tend to treat you all pretty much the same(as far as you know)?

If they are generally no differences other than the travel, I really wouldn't care too much . I would look at it as they are free to do what they wish with their time and resources; they have earned that right. I would focus on getting my life and resources in a position where travel is not dependent upon my parents to pay for it. It is unfortunate that your other adult siblings are dependent upon your parents to provide travel for them and their children. That is not a position to envy or aspire.

Bluebelle100 · 11/12/2022 18:48

So sad to read this, it's the deception that hurts. Finding out by accident makes it worse and neither sibling mentioned it. Just be thankful you have your own family and concentrate on that.

MsRosley · 11/12/2022 18:58

You rightfully felt hurt, OP, and I am so glad your parents came through for you and were able to see the current situation was unfair.

nannykatherine · 11/12/2022 19:06

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:16

I've just found out that my parents paid for my brother and sisters family holidays.

My parents went with them, separate holidays. My sister has 2 kids. And my brother has 3. They paid for everything except spending money.

I guess I'm jealous and annoyed at the imbalance. I haven't been on holiday in 4 years due to finances. Siblings are both single parents (brother not main caregiver though)

We are all in similar financial situations so it's not like I'm well off and they aren't.

I know I'm not entitled to anything at the end of the day but feeling a bit miffed about it.

The secrecy too. Parents never mentioned it. Neither did siblings. Felt like a secret I've been kept out of?

My parents have sold their holiday home and will be getting the money soon so part of me is wondering if I'll be offered the same once they have that?

Though I know it's rude of me to think that, but can't help it.

You must be a middle child so they’ve forgot you exist

Canthave2manycats · 11/12/2022 19:14

It's the secrecy I don't get??

EasterIsland · 11/12/2022 19:20

YANBU to be upset. It's a clear inequality of care & regard. I should think that they assume that as you have a partner, you are financially better off. Maybe you are, but ...

Money in families is symbolic. It's more than the cash. It's a symbolic of care, thought & love. And by overlooking you, they appear to be showing that they care less for you, and are less thoughtful of you, than they are of your siblings.

I can totally understand why you let the information pass with no questions to your mother in the moment. I'd have been gobsmacked; I'd have felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach. But I'd be far too shocked to say anything on the spot.

I think you need to open up a conversation with your parents - not about the money/holidays as such, but about how the inequality & secrecy has made you feel.

And as a PP says, wold you really want to be beholden to your parents for a holiday? You're capable of paying your way; hold onto that.

But YANBU.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/12/2022 19:26

bloodyfedupnow · 10/12/2022 18:51

Generally cheaper to pay for kids on holiday than adults, and you have an extra adult in tow, so a kind offer to take you away would cost them much more. I suspect your parents think it's your partner's responsibility to help you afford a holiday, and they're only subsidising your siblings because they're single parents and think they need extra help, not because they love them more. The dynamic might be different with your partner there too - you chose him, but he's not blood to your parents. Maybe they like him well enough, but don't want to share a living space with him for a week.

You say that your finances are similar, but do your parents know that? In the absence of any other information, I'd expect a couple with three kids to be doing better than a single parent with three kids.

Show quote history

They could have offered to just take Op and the children.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/12/2022 19:29

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:59

No, I'm a carer for my disabled husband so they know we haven't the disposable income.

I've just got a text from my dad saying they always planned on taking us next year. They were waiting for the holiday home to sell before asking us as they didn't have the cash to take all 3 of us in the same year.

Which I completely understand and it makes sense.

I am sorry, I had missed this when I posted that they could have taken you and the children .
It is very nice that they are now going to treat you too.

niugboo · 11/12/2022 19:32

Does your husband work?

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 19:37

Are you the middle child?

Sopharsogood · 11/12/2022 19:43

I’m guessing you’re not the favourite. Your parents are mean

GiveMeBernardsWatch · 11/12/2022 19:50

Aw, this is a really nice outcome, OP. Especially as your initial reaction to your mum was just, "oh that's nice of you" and you did your (perfectly reasonable) "why not me?!" wondering in private! Karmic reward!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/12/2022 19:55

As usual the childree are less favoured.

I'd be letting mum and dad know that bro and sis will be their first and last resort when the frailties of old age strike. You'll be busy earning money to fund your own life.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/12/2022 19:57

Now they are in damage control mode and claiming they want to help you, too, but odd how it was all so secret until your mom slipped. Especially if they know you have a tough life situation to begin with.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 11/12/2022 19:58

Op has 3 dc...

ilovesushi · 11/12/2022 20:17

Is it possible that your other siblings invited your parents on holiday before the offer of paying for it was made? "We're thinking of going to X. It would be lovely if you joined us." "How lovely! I'm sure we can make a big contribution."

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