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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found this out. Holidays/ family.

125 replies

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:16

I've just found out that my parents paid for my brother and sisters family holidays.

My parents went with them, separate holidays. My sister has 2 kids. And my brother has 3. They paid for everything except spending money.

I guess I'm jealous and annoyed at the imbalance. I haven't been on holiday in 4 years due to finances. Siblings are both single parents (brother not main caregiver though)

We are all in similar financial situations so it's not like I'm well off and they aren't.

I know I'm not entitled to anything at the end of the day but feeling a bit miffed about it.

The secrecy too. Parents never mentioned it. Neither did siblings. Felt like a secret I've been kept out of?

My parents have sold their holiday home and will be getting the money soon so part of me is wondering if I'll be offered the same once they have that?

Though I know it's rude of me to think that, but can't help it.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 10/12/2022 18:50

stopthebarking · 10/12/2022 18:31

Sorry, I missed that! That does make it worse...

Odd reasoning. So if OP were childfree that would make it OK? MN has some very strange values at times.

bloodyfedupnow · 10/12/2022 18:51

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:31

Only difference on the surface is I have a partner and they don't. So maybe they thought they couldn't take the kids away alone as single parents?

Generally cheaper to pay for kids on holiday than adults, and you have an extra adult in tow, so a kind offer to take you away would cost them much more. I suspect your parents think it's your partner's responsibility to help you afford a holiday, and they're only subsidising your siblings because they're single parents and think they need extra help, not because they love them more. The dynamic might be different with your partner there too - you chose him, but he's not blood to your parents. Maybe they like him well enough, but don't want to share a living space with him for a week.

You say that your finances are similar, but do your parents know that? In the absence of any other information, I'd expect a couple with three kids to be doing better than a single parent with three kids.

Eyerollcentral · 10/12/2022 18:54

Have you got two incomes? I don’t see how you can be on in the same financial position as single parent siblings unless you and your partner are on q low wages. As previous posters have said have you ever asked your parents to join you on holiday? I’m q surprised you haven’t discussed this with your siblings before they went on holiday, especially if you haven’t been able to afford a holiday, personally it would be the first thing I ask. Do you and your siblings not get along? Feels like there’s a lot of information missing here. And frankly no you shouldn’t expect anything from the sale of your parent’s holiday home, have you previously had use of it?

MelchiorsMistress · 10/12/2022 18:54

The fact that your siblings wouldn’t have any other adults to go on holiday with but you do is a huge difference. They would have to pay for a whole extra adult if they did the same for your family.

I think what they’ve done so far is fine, but if they booked another holiday and paid for your sister next year before treating you they would have gone too far.

Original poster
Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:59

No, I'm a carer for my disabled husband so they know we haven't the disposable income.

I've just got a text from my dad saying they always planned on taking us next year. They were waiting for the holiday home to sell before asking us as they didn't have the cash to take all 3 of us in the same year.

Which I completely understand and it makes sense.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 10/12/2022 18:59

stopthebarking · 10/12/2022 18:29

I would assume it's because your parents wanted to take their grandchildren on holiday, and they would have done the same for you if you had children. That doesn't make it any pleasanter to feel left out and deceived, though. They should have done something nice for you, too, to be fair.

Breeding should be a guarantee of more parental generosity than a sibling with no children receives. The sprogged up siblings will already be getting more from their parents, maybe childcare but certainly birthday and chirstmas presents.

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 19:02

YANBU as it’s not fair they kept it a secret.

But as a 2 parent family you will be considerably better off than them and the fact that you think they are in a similar situation than you, makes it easier to see why it was kept from you.

The scenario was probably that the siblings each booked a holiday and invited your parents, who then paid a decent chunk towards it.
Instead of your parents saying here’s some money why not book a holiday.

modgepodge · 10/12/2022 19:03

It’s sucky when things like this happen and I would be upset OP. For a few years my dad paid for us all (his children and partners, no kids at that point) to go skiing, we paid a bit but he paid more. Then one year he just told me he didn’t like going at Easter and was going in term time, so I wouldn’t be able to come (teacher). So they all went without me. It did sting a bit I have to say.

to be fair he did then offer to take me skiing by myself, but literally phoned me at the start of the Xmas holidays and said ‘shall we go skiing next week?’ And I had plans so couldn’t go at a few days notice!!

Overthebow · 10/12/2022 19:07

Maybe they did it so the kids would get a holiday?

dontputitthere · 10/12/2022 19:09

Overthebow · 10/12/2022 19:07

Maybe they did it so the kids would get a holiday?

What about the ops kids?!

dontputitthere · 10/12/2022 19:10

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 19:02

YANBU as it’s not fair they kept it a secret.

But as a 2 parent family you will be considerably better off than them and the fact that you think they are in a similar situation than you, makes it easier to see why it was kept from you.

The scenario was probably that the siblings each booked a holiday and invited your parents, who then paid a decent chunk towards it.
Instead of your parents saying here’s some money why not book a holiday.

Surely as one parent is disabled and the op is their carer how can you argue they're better off?

I say that as a single parent. Christ alive.

Overthebow · 10/12/2022 19:12

dontputitthere · 10/12/2022 19:09

What about the ops kids?!

Show quote history

I missed the post where op said they had kids

MelchiorsMistress · 10/12/2022 19:14

Your parents sound like very king, generous people OP.

Original poster
Nomchan · 10/12/2022 19:16

MelchiorsMistress · 10/12/2022 19:14

Your parents sound like very king, generous people OP.

They really are.

I wish they would have explained a little. More openly as I feel really bad now for questioning it.

OP posts:
RandomPerson42 · 10/12/2022 19:19

YANBU but basically they will have old-fashioned beliefs - you have a partner who would/should be in their eyes providing for you.

And maybe they think your siblings needed it but you don’t, bet your siblings are always pleading poverty.

Lilgamesh2 · 10/12/2022 19:20

I have been in this position. As a university student my DM was always trying to stop me coming home for the holidays then I found out she took my older DB and his gf to Barbados!

MzHz · 10/12/2022 19:21

Baconsprouts · 10/12/2022 18:29

Why didn’t you question it when your mum told you?

Id have chewed my mother out if I was told that

I’d have said the same.

my mother did similar with me/sister in terms of planning a mega holiday and keeping all the details from me.

fuck knows why. All summer they planned it and not a fucking peep. Only told me at Christmas table with whole family there and it was clear they’re both in on it and they were gleeful that my relationship with my son’s dad was blowing up at the same time and they were all leaving in the same week.

I got literally the smallest shittiest souvenirs brought back too, better not to have bothered. I’m feeling the anger again at the memory

see what plays out @Nomchan if there’s no offer, then you’ll need to reassess your position in the family and probably take a step waaaay back. I’m zero contact with mother and extremely low contact with sister.

im so sorry, I know this stuff is terrible, hurts like crazy

Fleurdaisy · 10/12/2022 19:22

My parents did the same. They won some money, not life changing amount but a large, useful bit of cash. They bought an electrical item for each son ( I got nothing, was offered nothing, my two dc nothing) Then they took the sons and themselves off on a cruise. They did bring me back a present —- a piece of crystal glass in a household with two climbing, jumping toddlers…… so really thoughtful.
Yes it hurts when you’re treated so differently and you’ve no idea why…but that’s some parents for you. Mine were making some sort of point but I refused to acknowledge what it was.
You could point out the holiday you’d like next year, or tell your mum you’re hurt. Or ignore her and disengage for a while.

MzHz · 10/12/2022 19:24

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:59

No, I'm a carer for my disabled husband so they know we haven't the disposable income.

I've just got a text from my dad saying they always planned on taking us next year. They were waiting for the holiday home to sell before asking us as they didn't have the cash to take all 3 of us in the same year.

Which I completely understand and it makes sense.

Missed this. Let’s see how it all pans out.

i mistrust this “oh we were waiting” stuff. Why wouldn’t you preempt the situation and explain up front?

LaMariposa · 10/12/2022 19:25

That’s awful. My dad recently phoned up and told me he wanted to give me a lump sum. He’d apparently spent a decent amount of money on both siblings this year and wanted to be fair.
Thats what parents should do - give to one, give to all, even if not immediately.

ancientgran · 10/12/2022 19:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/12/2022 19:28

Are your children much younger?if so Maybe they wanted to wait until your children would be older to take them away so that they remember and appreciate it.

ancientgran · 10/12/2022 19:29

Sorry wrong thread.

Snoopystick · 10/12/2022 19:31

It’s your parents money to do with what they wish.

BabyOnBoard90 · 10/12/2022 19:31

It's tough when you discover that you are the least favoured child.

Whatever the reason, don't let it make you bitter or build resentment. Just focus on yourself and continue working towards your ambitions.