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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just found this out. Holidays/ family.

125 replies

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:16

I've just found out that my parents paid for my brother and sisters family holidays.

My parents went with them, separate holidays. My sister has 2 kids. And my brother has 3. They paid for everything except spending money.

I guess I'm jealous and annoyed at the imbalance. I haven't been on holiday in 4 years due to finances. Siblings are both single parents (brother not main caregiver though)

We are all in similar financial situations so it's not like I'm well off and they aren't.

I know I'm not entitled to anything at the end of the day but feeling a bit miffed about it.

The secrecy too. Parents never mentioned it. Neither did siblings. Felt like a secret I've been kept out of?

My parents have sold their holiday home and will be getting the money soon so part of me is wondering if I'll be offered the same once they have that?

Though I know it's rude of me to think that, but can't help it.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 10/12/2022 19:34

Are you a single parent Op ?

Twiglets1 · 10/12/2022 19:35

I’m guessing your parents justified it to themselves that you are in a better financial position than your siblings because you have a partner. However, I don’t think you are unreasonable to be a bit upset. I would be too.

DorritLittle · 10/12/2022 19:36

Your parents sound very kind OP. It is very difficult for parents to always appear fair and equal all at the same time but your Dad has explained they plan to take you too and I am sure that this is true.

Original poster
Nomchan · 10/12/2022 19:37

newfriend05 · 10/12/2022 19:34

Are you a single parent Op ?

No but my husband is disabled and I'm a carer for him.

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 10/12/2022 19:38

I raised my child on my own, my father was very discreet and my sisters were resentful for a long time without me knowing why until one of them throw it to my face that my dad had bought me a house while he had not helped them in the same way.

Turns out he lent me £10,000 for a deposit, which I paid back within 2 years. He wouldn’t go into the detail of the loan so everyone assumed I was living mortgage free on the family’s money.

Things may be very different to what you have been told, or it may be that your parents couldn’t afford to pay for your family to go as well. It may also be that your parents think that you are much better off because you are not alone. There is a big stigma in older generations about single parents, they may be trying to make up for something they may not necessarily need to.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 10/12/2022 19:44

You have to get over it. In the last 6 months, MIL had paid half of holidays for BIL and SIL. They’re pretty skint though, whereas we’re not, so we don’t resent it.

DailyMailReporterTellMeAllYourSecrets · 10/12/2022 19:45

*two holidays.

TiddlesTheTiger · 10/12/2022 19:47

Nomchan · 10/12/2022 18:59

No, I'm a carer for my disabled husband so they know we haven't the disposable income.

I've just got a text from my dad saying they always planned on taking us next year. They were waiting for the holiday home to sell before asking us as they didn't have the cash to take all 3 of us in the same year.

Which I completely understand and it makes sense.

It sounds like they're covering themselves now they've been found out.
After all, why not just tell you that was the plan? It would have been nice for you to know that everyone was being treated.

Best just to accept what he says now, though.

isthisamistakeornot · 10/12/2022 19:56

I think you’ve handled it well OP. I would have felt really hurt too and I’m surprised some PPs are defending your parents.

You’ll never know they really were planning to take you away but if that’s what they’re now saying and you generally get on well with them then I’d assume the best and try to move past this.

JenniferBarkley · 10/12/2022 19:57

OP suggested that as a possibility in her first post and has said that they're kind and generous people. It sounds like all is fine, I don't think OP needs MN adding drama to a healthy relationship.

PJsAndCosySocks · 10/12/2022 20:07

I think they're now trying to cover up their embarrassment. If that was always the plan, then surely they'd have said "hey child A, B and C, we plan to pay for each of you to go on holiday with us. It'll be A and B first and then the following year, it'll be you C" but they didn't. It was shitty, you caught them out in a lie by omission, they know it was shitty and they're trying to make amends. You can either be gracious and say nothing, or you can say it was a horrible thing to find out but you appreciate them trying to make it right, or you can decline the offer. I think some trust has gone though. Not convinced things with them will be the same for you again and I think deep down, they know that. How crummy. It's not that they owe you a holiday, it's just the fact that they were so secretive about it. And they've put you in a position where you were left out and now you know that they all left you out. I'd be disappointed in all of them tbh.

nepolibats · 10/12/2022 20:08

I don't think you should be reading some of these replies, OP. Your parents did something for your siblings and they wanted to do the same for you too, but it's hugely reasonable to spread it out over time and totally up to them not to have talked about the finances in advance of doing it for you. Now they are obviously upset and worried that you are now upset as you now know in advance of them having had the opportunity to do the same for you. Make them feel better OP! Tell them you would absolutely love a holiday with them but certainly no rush!

Wakk · 10/12/2022 20:09

I would say what about me?

DarkDarkNight · 10/12/2022 20:14

Do they maybe assume that you are in a better financial situation? I would be hurt at the thought they had all kept it from you.

Zanatdy · 10/12/2022 20:16

It’s tricky. I don’t think parents need to give exactly 100% of the same to each child personally, at the same time. Like you say perhaps you’ll get something when the holiday home is sold. Might be worth dropping into conversation casually that you’re not in a much better financial position than your single parent siblings.

My brother was always insistent that we had exactly the same spent on us as kids, so I’ve raised mine to know it’s swings and roundabouts and overall they get similar amounts. None of my kids begrudges anything the other gets. But I’d never make it hugely unfair.

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 20:16

Surely as one parent is disabled and the op is their carer how can you argue they're better off?

I say that as a single parent. Christ alive.

Financially they obviously would be.

Fizzadora · 10/12/2022 20:22

Don't feel bad for thinking what you did OP it's a perfectly normal reaction.
Yes it would have been better if your family, especially your parents had talked to you about it and explained what their plans where, but they didn't and it's done now.
Hope you have a lovely holiday next year.

kittensinthekitchen · 10/12/2022 20:29

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 20:16

Surely as one parent is disabled and the op is their carer how can you argue they're better off?

I say that as a single parent. Christ alive.

Financially they obviously would be.

How's that obvious?

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/12/2022 20:47

JenniferBarkley · 10/12/2022 19:57

OP suggested that as a possibility in her first post and has said that they're kind and generous people. It sounds like all is fine, I don't think OP needs MN adding drama to a healthy relationship.

This.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyearisntit · 10/12/2022 20:59

I have similar..ish.
I live abroad and Dd comes to visit me with her two children (single parent) she flies at the same time as my parents, they stay at our house and sister stays at a really nice hotel..: it’s only a few days but will cost a lot. I can tell she doesn’t have the money to afford that at the moment, plus once my mum was talking about holidays and I said we should all go away but I’d have to save first, she said she’d pay and I asked what about my brother & sister and she said she just wouldn’t tell them. I have a feeling this happens with my sister…I mean, it’s nice because she comes to visit, but also we’d so love to go and stay there but can’t afford flights etc

Lulu2171 · 10/12/2022 21:30

Agree. I'd be mega miffed OP. You can't reasonably be stroppy with your parents, you can't expect anything as you say. But fair - I'd say important - to be honest about how this has made you feel.

dontputitthere · 10/12/2022 21:31

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 20:16

Surely as one parent is disabled and the op is their carer how can you argue they're better off?

I say that as a single parent. Christ alive.

Financially they obviously would be.

How?

Jeez spot the Tory...

amonsteronthehill · 10/12/2022 21:38

Suspect your dad's seen this post.

Sorry, OP. I would be sad, too, since it was clearly done 'quietly'. If they meant to be even handed about it as time/finances permitted from the start, surely they would have discussed it with all of you up front.

HyggeandTea · 10/12/2022 21:47

Sounds like your parents are lovely and very generous people OP and I'm glad they are treating you all the same. The secrecy was a bit daft, unless they believed you'd kick up a fuss - but doesn't sound like you would 🙂

I have a rule now not to expect anything. My dad treats my step-sister to everything -car, holidays, designer clothes, dinners out, etc and spends a lot of time with her. I generally get a bottle of wine at Christmas and any plans I try and make with him cancelled🤔I did once point out the disparity but got put in my place. People don't always do what they 'should ' do.

TheFairyCaravan · 10/12/2022 21:50

My parents did this so many times that it completely ruined my relationship with them and my children have chosen not to have a relationship with them either. They told so many lies and had so many secrets but they always came out. My nephew was too young to keep the secrets so he’d always blurt them out. He came to stay at my house one Summer and was telling us where he’d been on holiday. The list of where nanny and grampy had taken him was endless.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was I was due to have a major operation so asked my mum if she could have my kids for a couple of days. She said no because she was busy at work. She was self employed so she could have had the time off. Anyhow the day I came out of hospital my niece posted a photo of the villa in Spain, she, her DC and her siblings, were staying in with my parents, on Facebook. I was bloody livid.

To this day my mother tells everyone we’re all treated the same and she has no idea why I’m upset with her. That annoys me more than the holidays, tbh

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