To stop sending Christmas gifts to BIL's kids

[Brodies]

For context they have a 12yo and an 10yo. We have a 11yo and a 9yo. We live in different countries.

Every year we used to send their kids presents and in return they would send ours something in January.

MNHQ REDACTED POTENTIALLY IDENTIFYING DETAIL AT REQU OF OP

Aibu to think it's about time to stop sending them gifts? BIL is generally kind but doesn't stop the wife from being vile to us. Kids get on ok when they see each other

@MrsThimbles I'll leave that up to DH from now on

You know, this reminds me of one of my exes who sends me a Christmas and birthday card every year. His partner hates that he is contact with me, I hate sending cards (not my culture) and every time his dreaded card arrives I just feel like screaming because then… it is my fucking turn to go and get a card for someone who doesn’t want to se me, whose partner is jealous of me just to be… polite 🤦🏻‍♀️

and the cycle goes on forever.. I got his Christmas card last week, is still sitting unopened in the post basket. I wish he just stopped!

Yes. They're kids.

BIL is nice. Nieces and nephews are ok.

Why would you not send presents to nieces and nephews just because you don't like SIL?

What does your DH think about no presents for his nieces and nephews?

She's "vile" and she hates your kids and no-one's said anything about it. This is very unusual

Your ex still sends you cards when he has a new partner, that's very odd!

Have you ever thought of not returning his cards? Maybe he will get the message

More odd Op is your situation tbh

@Goodgrief82 you do seem to enjoy attacking OPs don't you. Very evident from other threads

Yes I agree with this. If they do send something to yours in January you could return the favour then.

Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap. I would have stopped sending gifts after the first time their gifts were sent in January. They obviously can't be bothered .

@Callipygion yes, I think that's what we'll do. I'll let DH choose gifts though!

Before now I would have asked DH to ask his nephews on the Christmas Facetime how they liked their presents. A thank you would have been great.

I'd just leave it now as you think you already might do. No presents. But keep up the link because some lovely cousins might come visiting when they're 18 - or yours could go to them.

Don’t send one back this year.
Yours obviously got lost in the backlog due to postal dispute if there’s any comment 🤣

It's not that odd or unusual, it often happens that one sibling and their partner are more generous and thoughtful aunties/uncles than the other side. Usually I would say, not the kids' faults so carry on. But in your case where the SIL/aunt is actively unkind to your kids and the cousins are not particularly close I would say time to stop. They presumably have other relatives giving them presents and they are no longer very young children. I doubt they will be upset.

If the gifts aren't acknowledged and gifts for your children are an after thought then... Why bother? I wouldn't. Save your money.

Bring it " into the room" "Hey bro are we doing presents for the kids this year or shall we stop that as they are getting older "

Makes it his decision and he the has to be involved.

I think everyone caught up in these awful negative gift-exchange loops has a good excuse to knock it on the head this year - postal strikes, economic crisis, general stress. It's time for loads of people to knock it on the head.

My bother lives abroad and what we found we were doing was we were looking for stuff that was light and so wasn't insanely expensive to post. After a few years of that, we agreed that I would buy for mine from him and he would buy for his from me.

I have 3 dc, he has 2. Even though I was buying an extra present it still saved me money as I didn't have to pay postage. It saved him loads too plus the kids all got something they wanted rather than each of us guessing what the nieces and nephews would like.

Maybe suggest that if you don't want to look bad? Although to be honest, I wouldn't care given the way they treat you.

Bizarre.
Send an e-card and adopt them, as a family, a guide dog, donkey, pig, etc..
Or a Lend With Care voucher (£15) to sponsor an entrepreneur in a developing country.
£15 -£20 will provide a school meal for a child every day for a year with Mary’s Meals.
£25 to Scottie’s Little Soldiers will provide a gift voucher for a child.
Then even if your BIL’s family don’t thank you someone in the world will.

Hate is a really strong word. I get on with some of my extended, large family better than others but HATE is a very extreme word which you’ve bandied about quite a lot providing no basis for it. It’s a simple as this presents at any time of year are supposed to be given in a spirit of generosity. You aren’t supposed to be giving to get back. If you can’t see it through that lens maybe just don’t bother?

I would stop it tbh. No recognition from any of the family and receiving yours a month late .. so basically they wait every year to check they get yours first.

It's v expensive sending gifts overseas and how can you even know you're getting the presents right? I would leave it.

Isn't that to do with parenting...most kids nowadays haven't heard of a thank you letter. Mine wrote them but I've never received them from others for years.

Let your DH sort it.

His brother, his niece and nephew, his SIL.

@Fleurdaisy
"Send an e-card and adopt them, as a family, a guide dog, donkey, pig, etc..
Or a Lend With Care voucher (£15) to sponsor an entrepreneur in a developing country.
£15 -£20 will provide a school meal for a child every day for a year with Mary’s Meals.
£25 to Scottie’s Little Soldiers will provide a gift voucher for a child.
Then even if your BIL’s family don’t thank you someone in the world will."

Thank you, this is such a lovely idea, and so meaningful.

^This! I gradually cut down over the years and now we only buy gifts for our own kids. They don't get presents from any family (grandparents deceased). One aunt used to give them a tenner, probably because my mum was very generous to her grandchildren (hers were older). The year mum died, pretty close to Christmas, the tenner thing stopped for good...

I did until recently with one sibling who insisted on keeping it going - no idea why! Fell out with me when challenged on disgusting, shitty treatment of a vulnerable family member, let's just say very equally balanced, chip on both shoulders (long history). Just didn't think there was any point in continuing the farce.