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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop sending Christmas gifts to BIL's kids

102 replies

Brodies · 10/12/2022 15:50

For context they have a 12yo and an 10yo. We have a 11yo and a 9yo. We live in different countries.

Every year we used to send their kids presents and in return they would send ours something in January.

MNHQ REDACTED POTENTIALLY IDENTIFYING DETAIL AT REQU OF OP

Aibu to think it's about time to stop sending them gifts? BIL is generally kind but doesn't stop the wife from being vile to us. Kids get on ok when they see each other

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 10/12/2022 16:32

Have no idea what happened there, it should read, they wait to buy in the sale or re-gift something their children received but didn't like, bugger that, send a card.

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:32

slowquickstep · 10/12/2022 16:28

So they wait o wither buy in the sale or re-gift something their children recieved but didn't like ! Bugger that, sen a card.

We've also always sent a card, received nothing from them for the last 5 years. Think it says it all, time to stop...

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 10/12/2022 16:35

Maybe they are keeping the Spanish tradition of giving children gifts on the Feast of the Three Kings ( January 6th)?

Or, more likely, they are getting your DCs presents cheap in the sales.

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:36

Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:31

@Goodgrief82 nope!

is that “nope” no one on your side has ever raised this issue nor the fact that the SIL is “very nasty” to your children with them?

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:45

OnGoldenPond · 10/12/2022 16:35

Maybe they are keeping the Spanish tradition of giving children gifts on the Feast of the Three Kings ( January 6th)?

Or, more likely, they are getting your DCs presents cheap in the sales.

Definitely not following the Spanish tradition!

Either that they wait for the sales or choose presents that they don't want.

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:47

Why won’t you answer of you or your husband have ever over many years chatted to your BIL about this?! Oh and thrown in that his wife is supposedly “very nasty” to your children?! 😂

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:48

*Either that they wait for the sales or choose presents that they don't want.*so not just your SIL?

you really do not like this family do you?!

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:50

@Goodgrief82 nope as in they don't have a tradition in January.

DH did raise issues about her to his brother in the past although can't go into detail. Kind of stopped for a while but it's obvious she hates us as family

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:54

And it’s very very obvious…. You feel exactly the same about her and her family

pimlicoanna · 10/12/2022 16:54

If someone sent my children their Xmas presents in January every single year I'd just think they are sending them presents that have originally been given to their own children for Xmas!

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:56

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:54

And it’s very very obvious…. You feel exactly the same about her and her family

Well I don't hate them, just hate the way we are being treated. How would you feel if you were in my position?

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:58

Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:56

Well I don't hate them, just hate the way we are being treated. How would you feel if you were in my position?

Show quote history

Well I wouldn’t be in your position

Because you describe your SIL has being “very nasty” to your children.

for me, there would not be a relationship.

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:59

And yes op… quite clearly you do hate them

if you don’t, then I worry what you think of those you do admit to hating!!

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:00

Guess we won't have much relationship going forward 😉

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 17:02

Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:00

Guess we won't have much relationship going forward 😉

Doesn’t seem like you have much of one now 😂

phoenixrosehere · 10/12/2022 17:02

So from what I’m gathering, cousins aren’t close, you and your DH aren’t close to their children either, they don’t send a Christmas card (not the worse thing but I’ve learned some people find it rude) and you both don’t get on with their mother, so why send them gifts at all?

Sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama for children you don’t even really talk to or are close. Nowhere does it say you are obligated to buy gifts for all nieces and nephews especially if you don’t see them or have a relationship.

I have a lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins and unless I saw and talked to them throughout the year, I never expected to receive a gift from them. My mother couldn’t stand my dad’s family but she never stopped us from building a relationship with them. Those who we were close to we saw over Christmas and thanked them when they gave us gifts and we gave gifts to our cousins.

My DH has a cousin who moved to the Mediterranean when her youngest was a baby and they only moved back less than two years ago and we didn’t send any gifts to them either. I did ask after they had move but they said not to because they hadn’t gotten our sons anything. I still would have sent something anyway but I also didn’t want to go against their wishes.

Let it all go, don’t send anything and just enjoy your Christmas with one thing less to do and think about.

daisychain01 · 10/12/2022 17:05

Leave the presents up to your DH?

they're his family and it means you don't have to think about it. He can choose to buy the kids presents or forget like they do. Not your circus and all that ....

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:07

phoenixrosehere · 10/12/2022 17:02

So from what I’m gathering, cousins aren’t close, you and your DH aren’t close to their children either, they don’t send a Christmas card (not the worse thing but I’ve learned some people find it rude) and you both don’t get on with their mother, so why send them gifts at all?

Sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama for children you don’t even really talk to or are close. Nowhere does it say you are obligated to buy gifts for all nieces and nephews especially if you don’t see them or have a relationship.

I have a lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins and unless I saw and talked to them throughout the year, I never expected to receive a gift from them. My mother couldn’t stand my dad’s family but she never stopped us from building a relationship with them. Those who we were close to we saw over Christmas and thanked them when they gave us gifts and we gave gifts to our cousins.

My DH has a cousin who moved to the Mediterranean when her youngest was a baby and they only moved back less than two years ago and we didn’t send any gifts to them either. I did ask after they had move but they said not to because they hadn’t gotten our sons anything. I still would have sent something anyway but I also didn’t want to go against their wishes.

Let it all go, don’t send anything and just enjoy your Christmas with one thing less to do and think about.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You are right and I've probably invested too much into this until now.

Feel much better about it and think I can move on. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:08

daisychain01 · 10/12/2022 17:05

Leave the presents up to your DH?

they're his family and it means you don't have to think about it. He can choose to buy the kids presents or forget like they do. Not your circus and all that ....

Yes I think I'll leave it up to DH as of now!

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 10/12/2022 17:09

My family is spread over several countries. The non spoken rule is that we do not post gifts abroad, because it takes forever, cost a fortune and never arrive in time.

And also, because people celebrate Christmas in different ways in other countries so trying to do the things the way you see as correct May be forcing the other people to reciprocate in the same way even if they don’t want to.

I would say stop sending gifts, the kids won’t notice. And forget about the thank you cards for gifts, that’s a British thing, most people don’t do them abroad and found them it an absolute nuisance to reciprocate.

Underanothersky · 10/12/2022 17:11

Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:50

@Goodgrief82 nope as in they don't have a tradition in January.

DH did raise issues about her to his brother in the past although can't go into detail. Kind of stopped for a while but it's obvious she hates us as family

You could go into detail if you wanted to.

MrsThimbles · 10/12/2022 17:12

Brodies · 10/12/2022 16:01

Thing is, the kids never acknowledge the gifts. Would you still take the time and money to find them something, wrap them up and put them into a box, go to the post office and pay a fortune to send it to them?

Show quote history

Online shopping with the presents sent straight to them?@

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:12

GetThatHelmetOn · 10/12/2022 17:09

My family is spread over several countries. The non spoken rule is that we do not post gifts abroad, because it takes forever, cost a fortune and never arrive in time.

And also, because people celebrate Christmas in different ways in other countries so trying to do the things the way you see as correct May be forcing the other people to reciprocate in the same way even if they don’t want to.

I would say stop sending gifts, the kids won’t notice. And forget about the thank you cards for gifts, that’s a British thing, most people don’t do them abroad and found them it an absolute nuisance to reciprocate.

Agreed. Thank you.

Think there's been too much of unhealthy expectations from my end which really didn't help. Also the thankyou cards.

OP posts:
MaryMollyPolly · 10/12/2022 17:13

I’m baffled why you would ever send gifts in the first place. It obviously need to stop.

Original poster
Brodies · 10/12/2022 17:14

@Underanothersky

"You could go into detail if you wanted to"

haha I don't!

OP posts: