To be pissed off (MIL one)

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

To start, I've always had an excellent relationship with my MIL!

MIL lost DH last September.

Since him passing away Instead of life goes on mentality, she has adopted the my life is now shit one.

We have a family messenger group and 6 days out of 7 you wake up to messages about how fucking awful her life is. How fucking awful the world is. Literally essays on news events etc. How she's so frail (she's not) the current big freeze (1c 🙄) is going to finish her off.

I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.

Monday night/Tuesday morning was an onslaught of emotionally manipulative messages about (because I didn't speak to her for one day) that whilst she understands we have DCs and work etc that she IS still alive and that a check in wouldn't go a miss from time to time, she's so lonely and we clearly don't understand that and that she may as well not put heating on and freeze to death....you get the picture.

At this point I think it's fair to mention that we have actively encouraged her to seek professional help (she's now on anti ds because of our pushing) and to get involved in hobbies , meet up with friends (she has lots).

Tuesday I tried calling. Mobile and home phone. No answer. All day. I ended up sending my dad round to knock on the door and she said she had been out all day and didn't take her phone. Why would she? No one ever calls her.

Spoke to her that night and invited her round for a roast dinner today and to watch the football. No to the football as it would be too dark by then and she doesn't want to drive in the dark, but yes to the dinner. I'm working at 5 so dinner at 3.

Went shopping last night, got all the veg and beautiful joint off beef. Slow cooked over night and I started prepping and cooking veg in this morning. Message from MIL saying that she will come for an hour late morning but that she won't stay for dinner as she doesn't want to drive home in the dark and that she's scared about snow and frozen temperatures, she hopes she hasn't messed me around too much.

I am bloody angry!! DH is also bloody angry.

There is no snow. No snow forecast, yes its cold but its fucking December!!!

Part of me thinks she's doing this on purpose to prove a point.

AIBU?

Just say “actually have already started cooking the meal and this morning isn’t a good time to pop over so best leave it all together if you don’t want to stay for dinner as planned”

then send DH round for a kind but firm chat about things.

Was it last Sept as in 3 months ago? Or Sept 2021?

Grief is not simple and your MIL clearly can't take the life goes on mentality, it's not for anyone to say what attitude someone should have in this situation.

How old is your MIL? Do you think driving in cold/bad/dark weather is a recent thing? Confidence knocked by her husband's death?

I have a relative very similar to this. It's frustrating at times, very much so, but I'm not that age, I haven't lost my husband of many years, not lost my confidence to drive etc all I can try and do is sympathise. As hard as it is at times!

This. ^

Also, is your DH in contact with her at the same frequency as you, or is it just you? That would make me mute her cloud my judgement.

Yep, this ^

Cut her some slack! I bet she's angry too seen as her husband is dead and her life and her future has completely changed.

I think it's natural for older people to lose confidence in driving, particularly when there's lots on the news about the cold spell.

The dinner really isn't that big a deal. So you have one portion more than planned for. It's not like 16 people have cancelled.

Would she consider a dcat?
Company! Warmth! An ear to moan to!

@SchoolQuestionnaire Sept 2021

@Blueyismylife she's 72 and a very good 72 year old. I'm in no way shape of form trying to dismiss her grief. She has taken it extremely hard. We have got in contact with a number of private counsellors for her as she got not joy through NHS. She's refusing to pay as she doesn't have two penny's to rub together (financially she is very comfortable). You use the word frustrating. I think that's my primary emotion at the moment!

@Sprouttreesareamazing

We have said about rehoming a cat or dog but she said no as they are too much of a tie.

Even more frustrating that there's options available for her to have help and it be refused, I appreciate and understand that! I think, sadly, people either can't see it will help or don't want the help and feel stuck in a rut really.

I can understand your frustration, but her husband died only a short time ago. I think you could be patient with her a while longer. She needs time.

It sounds like you're trying to offload her grief onto a counsellor, a pet, friends etc. That will not reduce her sense of loss and loneliness. You sound like she's an inconvenience and she's going to feel that.

As PP said she's probably lost a lot of confidence including driving. Could you not pick her up and then book her a cab home. Try and make it less obvious she's getting on your nerves and try and make her feel more welcome.

I actually don't think the food part that you're annoyed about is as issue, if she's scared she's scared. But the rest of it is a nightmare.

Now I lost my Dad last year and my Mum shows some similar traits to what you've described above, and it's part of her grief. She won't drive in the dark, she won't meet with people, she wasn't seeing family. But she's not saying negative things and complaining the way your MIL is. Life certainly stopped for her, and bit by bit she's picking little things back up. It's major major trauma losing your other half, you've just lost half of yourself.

The food thing, all she might be seeing is you offered her dinner (while you're presumably already making dinner), she said OK, now she's thought about it and is scared of the dark. She won't know the trouble you've gone to.

And by the way, the driving in the dark bit I also find unreasonable of my Mum, but I would never say it to her because it's clearly a worry and anxiety she's developed which she's allowed to in her grief.

Losing a partner is a massive adjustment. I am not clear whether your mil lost he husband September just gone ..3 months ago ...or the previous September. Either way it isn't very long. If it was this September she must still be in the throes of deep grief. If it was last September she is still grieving. People I know who have lost loved ones have said that they found it impossible to even begin to try to pick up the pieces until the first year, with all its horrible firsts, like first birthday, Christmas, anniversaries of all sorts are over. So your dmil is just at the start of she lost dfil just over a year ago.
It is hard when you have busy lives to run and you are doing your best to be supportive. Try to persuade dmil to still come for lunch. If not I would have her for the hour and try to listen as sympathetically as possible. You seem a really kind dil. Hope things get a bit better soon. 💐

I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.

What about your DH, her actual son? Or is just expected of the women in the family?

This isn't particularly fair on the OP. I didn't read it as though she was trying to offload the grief. She's been there for her MIL in lots of ways. At some point though (for some), further help is needed and sometimes that help comes in the form of medication, therapy and the suggestion of pets to help with loneliness (it's not uncommon for people to get a pet when they're grieving). I don't think OP hasade it 'obvious' that MIL is getting on her nerves by leaving 1 day in-between multiple phone calls to her. Has she not made her welcome by inviting her over for dinner anyway? It is very likely MIL has lost her confidence with driving and perhaps offering to give a lift/book a taxi would be nice, but she's not obligated to do so, and personally I wouldn't. This really does sound like MIL making a point because of a missed phone call.

My auntie has been like this since my uncle died 7 years ago. You have my sympathy.

Nobody calls or visits her - they do but she doesn't answer the phone or the door.
I invited her to my wedding she didn't rsvp or answer the phone. She never called when DD was born 2 months ago even though she, me and DD all have the same birthday and she's always gone on about our special bond sharing a birthday.
She is poor and has no money - my uncle had 2 good pensions and she's well off in an unmortgaged house. She manages to afford to go to the nice coffee shop every single day for coffee and a cream cake.
She'll freeze to death - she refused to let my cousin arrange for her boiler to be fixed.
She'll die of covid/heart attack/stroke and nobody will care - she refuses to take her medication and got discharged from cardiology because she wasn't compliant with treatment. She's at the doctors/a&e constantly.
She went last week with a burn and they told her she needed to go to the burns centre at another hospital. She told them she couldn't go because she's a widow. My cousin would have taken her or she could have got public transport but she refused because she's a widow. It's her answer to everything.

She gets freebies at the bakery because she tells them how hard it is being a widow and how my uncle left her with no care in the world. He didn't leave her, he died of cancer very quickly.

She's refused to access counselling and won't let any if us help her. It's like she's self sabotaging and we don't know what to do to get her to accept help. My mum says it's like she doesn't want help because it doesn't fit her narrative of being uncared for.

I don't know the answer but if you can, try and nip it in the bud quickly. I miss my old auntie, I don't recognise her anymore.

She sounds entirely consumed in grief, having lost her DH and had her world turned inside out. There is no timetable for grief and unfortunately no matter how many times you call or visit or encourage participation in activities or medication it probably doesn't even touch the sides of what she is trying to cope with.
Try to be patient and continue supporting and including her. It's sad to say but most people cannot begin to understand the magnitude of this until they experience it themselves. Perhaps one day you'll be in your 70s and lose your DH and wonder why your kids are losing patience with you.

Any reason you can’t just have the beef for lunch? An early lunch.

People can’t just snap out of grief to suit other people’s timetable. Yes, she is sometimes being self-indulgent, manipulative and unreasonable but mostly she is just miserable, and she is allowed to be miserable. Don’t feel responsible for her happiness and minimise the effect of her miserableness on you and your family, whilst still trying to be caring and supportive.

I think you’re focussing on the wrong thing. Being scared of driving in the dark or freezing temperatures is quite normal, and so I’d either offer to do the drive or accept the late morning visit. You can still have a lovely meal with DH and your DCs.

However, it sounds like she is relying too heavily on you more generally. Can you pull back a bit? You’ll need to largely ignore the “woe is me” stuff because it sounds like she’s wallowing and it isn’t your responsibility to make her life better. DH can take over the regular phone calls as she is his mother. It will undoubtedly be hard for her to move on from losing her husband, but it is unreasonable to make you and DH responsible for filling the gap he has left.

This is tricky OP

Yes she is struggling and you are trying your best to be kind, and it's not her fault how she has reacted to grief.

But it's also taking s big chunk of your energy, and its not nice having a load of manipulative texts just because you missed contacting her on one day (when she is clearly capable of contacting you) and I do think if this dynamic continues she will become more and more dependent on you (when she doesnt need to be) to 'look after' her.

I'm not sure what the answer is, other than saying it's ok to feel like you do, but she is struggling as well. Only you know whether if you had some sort of intervention/ stepped back a bit etc if it would be likely to build her confidence when she started doing more by herself, or if it would make her feel isolated.

You sound harsh. It’s less than a year after she lost her DH and while it may seem like a decent period of time to you, it’s still very early days for her. You can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to lose your spouse if you haven’t been there yourself so you just have to accept that you won’t always understand where she’s coming from and put up with it anyway.

Do you really think she should be out driving in the dark on icy roads when she doesn’t feel confident doing it? I’d prefer drivers like that to stay in personally. I’d also consider that going home alone to an empty house in the dark might be something that she finds very upsetting so she’s rather just avoid it.

I'm in my 40s and I'm scared to drive in the dark/icy conditions. I'd refuse too. Yes she should have let you know but maybe her head's all over the place. Can she have it as lunch instead? Sorry if you've already explained why that's not possible. Could you take the food to hers and heat it up there so she doesn't need to drive?

“I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.”

And her son?

I’d do two things:

1. reduce your contact in favour of her own son
2. call her out on the shitty texts. Even if you think it’s coming from a place of depression not meanness on her part. Say, “MIL, that message was unkind”, explicitly. Then reply as normal, but every time - tell her you didn’t like her message

Set strong boundaries and pull her up if she’s being more than a little unreasonable. She does need some slack but you do need to point out when she goes too far.