To be pissed off (MIL one)

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

To start, I've always had an excellent relationship with my MIL!

MIL lost DH last September.

Since him passing away Instead of life goes on mentality, she has adopted the my life is now shit one.

We have a family messenger group and 6 days out of 7 you wake up to messages about how fucking awful her life is. How fucking awful the world is. Literally essays on news events etc. How she's so frail (she's not) the current big freeze (1c 🙄) is going to finish her off.

I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.

Monday night/Tuesday morning was an onslaught of emotionally manipulative messages about (because I didn't speak to her for one day) that whilst she understands we have DCs and work etc that she IS still alive and that a check in wouldn't go a miss from time to time, she's so lonely and we clearly don't understand that and that she may as well not put heating on and freeze to death....you get the picture.

At this point I think it's fair to mention that we have actively encouraged her to seek professional help (she's now on anti ds because of our pushing) and to get involved in hobbies , meet up with friends (she has lots).

Tuesday I tried calling. Mobile and home phone. No answer. All day. I ended up sending my dad round to knock on the door and she said she had been out all day and didn't take her phone. Why would she? No one ever calls her.

Spoke to her that night and invited her round for a roast dinner today and to watch the football. No to the football as it would be too dark by then and she doesn't want to drive in the dark, but yes to the dinner. I'm working at 5 so dinner at 3.

Went shopping last night, got all the veg and beautiful joint off beef. Slow cooked over night and I started prepping and cooking veg in this morning. Message from MIL saying that she will come for an hour late morning but that she won't stay for dinner as she doesn't want to drive home in the dark and that she's scared about snow and frozen temperatures, she hopes she hasn't messed me around too much.

I am bloody angry!! DH is also bloody angry.

There is no snow. No snow forecast, yes its cold but its fucking December!!!

Part of me thinks she's doing this on purpose to prove a point.

AIBU?

Thankyou all for your comments. I think I may have given the impression that she should be all sunshine and cartwheels because its been over a year. I'm not, truly I'm not. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow she is going through.

I guess as I mentioned in PP I'm just frustrated and (probably very selfishly) exhausted. It's almost like I want to pull a Ryan Gosling "what do you want" speech.

I've just called to offer to pick her up and take her home after the football and she said no because the paths will be too icy that late at night. So I'm doing lunch for 1 now so that she can get home before 4.

My FIL has just died. I’ve told my DH to be careful to only offer what he is willing to do indefinitely (which could easily be 20+ years). It is sad when someone is grief stricken but it isn’t for anyone else to take on a burden they don’t want. My emotions are my responsibility and I do sometimes want some external help with them but I don’t demand my DH provides that support just because I want him to. He often does but sometimes doesn’t and I will speak to a friend instead. I certainly don’t think my emotional well being is my children’s responsibility at all! Or any partners they may have in the future. My Mum looked after herself after my Dad died & she has serious mental health issues that have had her in hospital for months at a time in the past. We of course spend time with her etc and help her out but she helps us out too and she doesn’t feel we’re responsible for her in any way at all. She thanks us for being there and if life gets busy for us for a bit she’s fine with that. My MIL would consume my DH to meet her own needs if she could so he makes sure she doesn’t get the opportunity. The situation you’re in would drive me crazy! I’m not surprised your struggling. There comes across that there is a lot of codependency and resentment (which will be unmet expectations on both sides). Al alon isn’t directly relevant but they offer lots of advice on how to stop this codependency cycle.

You’re a good deed OP ☺️

@MelchiorsMistress its over a year. Sept 2021

*you’re

I’m not suggesting you change accommodations her worries about the weather - it’s lovely of you to move food to earlier in the day so she can join. It’s the game playing around it all that needs to tweeted IMO.

Why are you phoning her every other day? Your DH - her son - is the one who needs to call and take on the responsibility of checking how his mother is doing.

She sounds like she's struggling, which can be frustrating, but if she's recently bereaved it's understandable.

Move your dinner invitation to a lunch invitation. The meat is already ready and the veg won't take long. She can drive to you and go home while it's light.

I'm a lot younger than your MIL and I don't particularly like night driving. I do it but the headlights dazzle me in a way they never used to 10 years ago.

Get your DH to step up. He can find her a bereavement group for a start.

You're doing great, and it's OK to feel like you do. My Mum is the same in some ways, the negative twist on things or the worry and overthinking. You're doing a good thing by understanding and accommodating her where you can x

its over a year. Sept 2021

So no time at all in the scheme of things.

Around your mil's age lots of
Older people lose confidence. She has had a huge knock. Her eyesight is probably not as good as it was. Im only 45 and don't like driving in the dark.

Maybe she was always a bit glass half empty but your fil tempered her and helped
her be reasonable and positive.
Losing a partner is incredibly lonely but also makes you consider your own mortality.

Lots of time on your own makes you over analyse things that don't matter and can become obsessive. After my mum died my dad needed direct invites to things. He wanted to feel wanted i think.

If that were my mother in law i would be sending my husband to collect her.

I think this is a good compromise. Setting your own boundaries is important and hopefully your DH can get more involved (if he isn't already). It's a very tough patch to be in but your feelings are valid, as well as your MIL's.

Until you’ve walked in their shoes, and all that. When I lost my dad a few years ago, my mum was absolutely devastated, and her personality changed from happy and sociable to negative and bitter. Still is 6 years later. Everyone deals with death differently, and your mil hasn’t come to terms with her loss yet. Just have a bit of empathy. She’s probably not happy herself at the person she is atm, but how can anyone understand what someone bereaved goes through until it happens to them? It’s still very early days for her in this process.

I think having to call her every day and see her twice a week is insane.

What man is expected to call his mother in law every other day?

The pressure on women is crazy.

OP, I would start scaling back the calls, DH can call his own mum every day.

She's grieving and has become stuck in a mindset. It's hard but after a long marriage it will take her a very long time to adjust. My SIL is 3.5 years on from losing her husband and just about a normal person again.

Know your boundaries but try to keep your compassion. If she's only 72 she's going to be in your life for a long time to come!

I am 72, I can understand the driving in the dark worry, as I too try to avoid it, my night vision has never been wonderful, but I really don't think I am safe to drive in the dark, unless the whole journey is on well lit main roads. I am also widowed, however I think in our situation you really need to put some effort into socialising, and getting out in the fresh air every day, even when you don't really feel like it. I have joined a reading group, and a seated keep fit group, I also have a lively dog, who needs to be exercised, although I know not every one wants the responsibility of a dog or cat. The messages and attitude you have mentioned are just self centred moaning. No one is responsible for someone else's happiness, she is lucky to have relatives who care about her.

Stop pandering to her so much. Stop all the calls as it’s crazy. She’ll be wanting to move in next!

You talk to her every other day and see her twice a week… why isn’t your husband (the woman’s son) not doing this?

It sounds horrid for both parties.

My DM is exactly the same OP and she phones me two/three times a day to moan about all the same things. It was bringing me down but it has become almost amusing now! We’re visiting for a whole week at Christmas but she’s still moaning because we won’t be there until Christmas Eve!

I’ve learned that it’s best just to let her moan and not try to interject because it’s a waste of energy. Whatever I say, it’s all forgotten by the next phone call. I know she’s pushing her friends away because of her negativity ….she’s got little empathy because her life is worse than anyone else’s could possibly be. She even tells people how hard things were during the war and seems to forget that she was a baby at the time! I think that we all tend to be like this when life is difficult though.

You need boundaries and if I may ask where your DH is in all this. Have you considered that maybe your MIL wants her son’s intervention more than yours.

Just to say I’m 62 and starting to get nervous about driving in the dark, I have to force myself to do it.
I don’t know why, I’ve been driving for 42 years and never been involved in anything serious.
So I do understand where is coming from in that respect.

What does your SIL think about it?

I think if she agrees with you, that a talk from her insisting that MIL gets proper help might do the trick.

I wouldn't do it myself as the DIL but if your SIL and husband did it as a united front, saying that you can't go on helping her when she's not helping herself etc, she might pause for thought.

Yanbu. The I might as well freeze to death etc is just emotional manipulation. She will end up driving everyone away and needs to be told to pack it in.

This is my MIL to a tee except it has been decades since she lost her husband. Not saying this will happen in OP’s case as it is still very fresh, but yes, people absolutely can get stuck in their grief and just stop seeing the good things in life. I’ve been with DH for nearly 15 years and ever since I met MIL I’ve been hearing about how she won’t make it through the winter and this might be her last Christmas.

Another one here sounding caution about driving in the dark. I find it harder and harder. Still OK on routes I know well. I also broke a bone last year due to osteoporosis (as well as a nasty fall) and am nervous about the ice now. Re the driving, might she have cataracts? My mother got a new lease of life when she had hers dealt with.

I think the texts and manipulation are out of order though.

DH has gone to his mothers' 240 miles away this w/e because she will go out on ice and snow if she's not stocked up. And will fall. She's 86.

In terms of DH and SiL:

The 3 of them (incl Mil) have always been selfish in terms of their feelings. It's almost been a case of "Well, I'm feeling like this" Well, do you know what, I'm feeling worse than you". It's almost like a competition. Always trying to out do each other, never afraid to vocalise their emotions. Even before FiL died.

The 3 of them have always been very glass half full. Which considering I'm Santa on Prozac, getting laid at Disney land (thankyou Pheebs), it does get a bit overwhelming!

DH speaks to his DM once, maybe twice a week and whilst I'm working (my 2nd job) he often takes DDs down to see her or she comes up to us.