To be pissed off (MIL one)

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

To start, I've always had an excellent relationship with my MIL!

MIL lost DH last September.

Since him passing away Instead of life goes on mentality, she has adopted the my life is now shit one.

We have a family messenger group and 6 days out of 7 you wake up to messages about how fucking awful her life is. How fucking awful the world is. Literally essays on news events etc. How she's so frail (she's not) the current big freeze (1c 🙄) is going to finish her off.

I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.

Monday night/Tuesday morning was an onslaught of emotionally manipulative messages about (because I didn't speak to her for one day) that whilst she understands we have DCs and work etc that she IS still alive and that a check in wouldn't go a miss from time to time, she's so lonely and we clearly don't understand that and that she may as well not put heating on and freeze to death....you get the picture.

At this point I think it's fair to mention that we have actively encouraged her to seek professional help (she's now on anti ds because of our pushing) and to get involved in hobbies , meet up with friends (she has lots).

Tuesday I tried calling. Mobile and home phone. No answer. All day. I ended up sending my dad round to knock on the door and she said she had been out all day and didn't take her phone. Why would she? No one ever calls her.

Spoke to her that night and invited her round for a roast dinner today and to watch the football. No to the football as it would be too dark by then and she doesn't want to drive in the dark, but yes to the dinner. I'm working at 5 so dinner at 3.

Went shopping last night, got all the veg and beautiful joint off beef. Slow cooked over night and I started prepping and cooking veg in this morning. Message from MIL saying that she will come for an hour late morning but that she won't stay for dinner as she doesn't want to drive home in the dark and that she's scared about snow and frozen temperatures, she hopes she hasn't messed me around too much.

I am bloody angry!! DH is also bloody angry.

There is no snow. No snow forecast, yes its cold but its fucking December!!!

Part of me thinks she's doing this on purpose to prove a point.

AIBU?

Grief doesn’t have an expiry date I’m afraid. 15 months might seem a long time to you but to your MIL it’s forever since she saw her husband, but could be only yesterday life as she knew it ended. Please try to be understanding , grieving is exhausting and bewildering and events like Christmas magnify every emotion.
11 years since my DP died and I’ll still shed a few tears on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day —- but 11 years has taught me to keep them hidden and paint the smile on. I deserve a bloody Oscar for the performances I’ve put on.

So this is clearly part of a bigger issue really.

I feel your frustration, I would in all honesty feel the exact same if not more so but it does sound like she's been knocked sideways by grief. If she's not the most resilient of souls then I suppose it's not surprising.

I suppose all you can do is hope your DH's pep talk works and that she starts to come out the other side soon. You sound like a lovely daughter in law to have, she's very lucky.

Ps. I was literally just thinking about that Friends quote earlier. 😆

I call her because I'm a nice person. I call to see what she's done during the day. 9 times out of 10 she does. Even it its visiting her family or going up town. It tends to be of an evening when she gets the most down and lonely, which is totally understandable and which is why I call then.

We've recommended Netflix shows to get her teeth into and there's a knit and natter group in her local community all of a similar age and position but they all head off to the pub at after an hour and get pissed! 🤣

I don't mean to alarm you, but have you heard of 'sundowning'?

Grief is a complicated thing and can take years to come to terms with. Some people don't come to terms with it at all, and no matter how time goes on some people are never the same again. I think you just need to accept this is what she will be like for now, while her life adjusts. She may never be the same again, sadly

You sound very kind but leave her to your DH. He needs to intervene. There are so many types of people in life. Yes, she’s grief stricken and will always carry that. But - others her age woman up, carry on and try to live the best life they can for the years they have left. It always seems like such a waste to me when people become like this. Can’t they reframe it as - I’m still here - I’m going to do/go to etc… as Jim or Bill or Fred wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad? Very simplistic example and not meant to be glib but life (and death) are what you make them.

I get all that, so there was no need to shout. My bad for not being clearer. It is unreasonable of you not to be understanding of it even if you say nothing

You sound very kind and she is very lucky to have such a supportive DIL, but it does seem that she is paying you back for a slight lack of attention - which is playing games with you by not taking the phone out with her and causing you such concern. She is testing your devotion, which is not fair since you seem to have already displayed it clearly.
You are taking the brunt of it, which can be very frustrating. I found that suggesting things to elderly relative wasn't enough. They just said no to everything until we ran out of ideas. I had to go find the person, or group and put them together and then they were fine with it and thought it was their own idea.

Have you had a chat to local Age Concern, or similar. They might have some suggestions or advice on how to help her build new interests so she can move on to the next phase of her life.

I think that a little bit of tough love is needed.

Would it work for DH, maybe you too, and her DD to have a meeting with her. “A cup of tea to discuss how we get through the next year and make sure you have the support you need”

Say you are concerned that she is feeling so upset with life, and how can we work together to change that? Be very very clear about practical parameters, you all work, childcare etc and cannot fo more than you do. Hard for her but also for all of you. So… what does she need, because in the nicest possible way she needs to get extra help from elsewhere or stop expecting you to solve problems you can’t solve. Re-iterate what you can do / love doing for her, always welcome but your shift w/e work means that it does have to fit around that. Etc.

I think it must be hard to have to make the step change from having a partner in your life to help you make decisions, manage etc. she probably feels daunted and frightened.

It’s very tough OP. I had to be very direct (but loving) with older relatives, but it actually pushed them into being more pro active that in the end they found liberating.

Did you actually bother to read the rest of my comment! I'm in a part of the country where there is real snow too!