To be pissed off (MIL one)

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

To start, I've always had an excellent relationship with my MIL!

MIL lost DH last September.

Since him passing away Instead of life goes on mentality, she has adopted the my life is now shit one.

We have a family messenger group and 6 days out of 7 you wake up to messages about how fucking awful her life is. How fucking awful the world is. Literally essays on news events etc. How she's so frail (she's not) the current big freeze (1c 🙄) is going to finish her off.

I speak to her every other day and see her 1-2 times a week, her DD speaks to her every day.

Monday night/Tuesday morning was an onslaught of emotionally manipulative messages about (because I didn't speak to her for one day) that whilst she understands we have DCs and work etc that she IS still alive and that a check in wouldn't go a miss from time to time, she's so lonely and we clearly don't understand that and that she may as well not put heating on and freeze to death....you get the picture.

At this point I think it's fair to mention that we have actively encouraged her to seek professional help (she's now on anti ds because of our pushing) and to get involved in hobbies , meet up with friends (she has lots).

Tuesday I tried calling. Mobile and home phone. No answer. All day. I ended up sending my dad round to knock on the door and she said she had been out all day and didn't take her phone. Why would she? No one ever calls her.

Spoke to her that night and invited her round for a roast dinner today and to watch the football. No to the football as it would be too dark by then and she doesn't want to drive in the dark, but yes to the dinner. I'm working at 5 so dinner at 3.

Went shopping last night, got all the veg and beautiful joint off beef. Slow cooked over night and I started prepping and cooking veg in this morning. Message from MIL saying that she will come for an hour late morning but that she won't stay for dinner as she doesn't want to drive home in the dark and that she's scared about snow and frozen temperatures, she hopes she hasn't messed me around too much.

I am bloody angry!! DH is also bloody angry.

There is no snow. No snow forecast, yes its cold but its fucking December!!!

Part of me thinks she's doing this on purpose to prove a point.

AIBU?

In that case OP, I would ease off.

You have enough on your plate with your own kids and 2 jobs.

I take on the role of "looking after" my in laws when required, but I am the only one of our generation working PT so it makes sense for me to do it.

The texts and nasty manipulation make me lose a lot of sympathy for her. You can't browbeat people into doing more for you who are already actually doing quite a lot.

Is this behaviour a stark contrast to how she was before FIL died? Or is it a case that it was always bubbling and now he's not there to keep a lid on it?

I don't blame you for being at your limit OP, it's a lot.

Remove yourself from the group chat
phone once a week when it suits

She went out for a whole day and you all constantly rant her and sent someone round? She was doing what you wanted her to do and get out and about!! why the angst?

I think you’re too involved - time to step back and just offer Sunday lunch twice a month.

It is scary driving in the dark in freezing conditions. Maybe her DH did a lot of the driving.

She sounds very manipulative.

Your DH needs to step up here

I can understand your frustration over the dinner but I’m of a similar age and find driving in the dark when you’re older is difficult. She may have visual problems due to the refraction of on oncoming headlights distorting her vision. Even with glasses. Even after corrective eye surgery.
I hate driving in icy conditions too.
You don’t sound very sympathetic to her grief: whether it was three months ago or 15 months ago, to her, it will seem like no time at all. She’s negotiating her life without him and can’t just ‘get on with it’. Not yet anyway.

@Allsnotwell

We sent someone round due to the texts we woke up to at 6am that morning. She always has her phone on her so for her to not answer + the text messages it added up to a concern for her.

I think I would be a complete arsehole if I hadnt been concerned. Seems I can't win.

I think you're rolling over too much for her.

If she wants to play games that's her problem. You don't have to entertain it.

I would have told her her new plans don't work for you and told her you'd see her next weekend, if you weren't too busy with Xmas prep.

Then I'd tell her actual child, as in your DH, to take over the phone calls etc - it's not your job to keep her happy! HE should be the one checking in!!

I disagree, I think the OP has been incredibly sympathetic and kind. It is now time to set some boundaries before this settles into a permanent expectation of daily phone calls. I would gently step back and let your DH know what you are doing, so he can choose to pick up the slack, if he wants. She is only 72, don’t let her start to take over her life, she will drain you dry and it will never be enough.

Just a thought but my MIL became a bit like this when FIL died. She later was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. When we cleared her house we found her diaries from this time and she was very scared about what was happening - about losing her memory etc. I think this was a major part of her not wanting to go anywhere, do anything etc even if she’d agreed to it so a lot of dropping out at the last minute. At the time we just thought she was being flaky or manipulative but I now think she was scared and ill. Not sure your situation is the same and there’s not really anything you can do but it might make it easier to tolerate.

My MIL used to be like this, after my FIL died tragically in a car accident at 64 (she was 63). She was very dependent on my DH emotionally and he would be on the phone with her for an hour every day. (My BIL and SIL had just had their third baby and had 3 DC of 3 and under, so they weren’t so available to her.)

We had our own pressures, with me supporting my DSis in divorcing her abusive first husband, so it was a very tough time for us. I tried to be supportive, but it was a lot to cope with, along with developing fertility issues. Obviously, with it being his DF who had died, he was grieving himself.

Like your MIL, she also hated driving in the dark and still does. (She was in the car when the accident happened, so she was understandably also traumatised.)

She was also very angry for a long time, both at the other driver and the police. This was really because she failed to accept that it was her DH who caused the accident by pulling out, although I think the other driver was going too fast around a corner in the road.

it was 19 years ago now. She did come out the other side, thought it took at least 5 years to do so. (My DH’s grandparents, his DH’s parents, had also died in the meantime, so that added to her grief, as she had been close to them.) Now she finds joy in being Grandma to 7 grandchildren.

It might take some time for your MIL, too. The best advice I can give is to remain supportive whilst maintaining good boundaries. For example, why are you taking it upon yourself to call her twice a week? Your DH should be mostly taking on that responsibility.

I haven't read through all of this thread but read your comments. You sound really nice, if a bit frustrated. I would be too. She sounds like she is depressed and maybe says she will do things and when it comes to it can't face it. Would a bit more doing things in a routine help, as in it wouldn't be about the decision each time and whether she could face it? Like if you arranged something regular and sorted out the getting her over (initially anyway - could your DH fetch her, could you get a taxi for her for a while?) and then at least you wouldn't be messed around by constantly changing arrangements you would know the day and time and she wouldn't be thinking each time afresh about whether or not she could get the energy together. Is there anything you could do together that involves her more- like hobbies or interests involving other people. Maybe if people went along with her if she liked it they could phase out and she might make contacts and have a regular engagement that way? Lastly, sometimes people can respond to be needed. If it was less about you lot having to check on her and do things for her, is there anything where you can ask you to help you or where she can be helpful to you? I'm just thinking it might help with motivation to start doing small tasks - and I'm think really small even like bringing something essential or popping into a shop on the way or helping you get it together. Just small things to start building a bit more confidence and get more interactions with others? It might be more motivating to think "they need me to help with this" rather than "what's the point of going I feel terrible and don't feel cheerful so I won't go round".

I do think that the news and media tend to increase everyone's fears. With all the weather warnings, perhaps she got terrified when it's not even about her part of the country. If she's frightened of slipping on the street, there are things you can put on your feet to stop you slipping. There are also sticks. I'd get her some anyway as you never know when she might need them. I don't blame her about this at all it is terrifying particularly for an older person. It's so important to keep doing small daily things to keep confidence. Getting out into life and not retreating into nothing but media is important i think, but i don't know what to suggest there. Audiobooks? More positive content? Going to something together that's about the outside world, not just coming to your house?

sounds like theyre all the same leave it to your dh with the phonecalls its his mum after all

when my mil died i didnt phone every day my dh did-the driving in ocy dark conditions fine alot of people dont like it

but youve got in a habit now of phoning so much she expects it now

There is snow in some parts of the country so MIl not unreasonable in that area especially if not a confident driver.
She is obviously still grieving her husband but constantly putting messages on a WhatsApp and then acting like no one is bothering her is not nice for you all and certainly not good for you. Your DH has lost his father too so for him having to deal with this and constant guilt trips and self pity messages from his mum cannot be easy.
it sounds like she is using you all as a crutch to heal which is understandable but like you said she needs some professional support. Most bereavement counsellors suggest to undertake this after 6 months and there can be a wait so May be worth asking to be put on the list now.
It also may be worth throwing the ball back in her court when she sends you these messages and directly asking what can u do about it? Because theoretically there isn't and she knows this but choosing to vent at you via WhatsApp and she shouldn't be doing this. She needs to grieve.

what about online bereavement groups??

hope things get better for you ❤️

Someone suggested you create a routine around the support that you offer as DIL. Anything else that is about manipulation, guilt trips, emotional blackmail eg disappearing for the day you leave to SIL and your OH.

In the future, you need to "be a complete arsehole" in the nicest sense, and leave your MIL, DH and SIL to their "I feel more shit than you" competition. Let DH go round if he's worried.
Slowly back away.
She's refusing professional help. What more can you do?
You've 2 jobs, kids, house etc to sort out...She is not your project to fix.

There is snow in some parts of the country so MIl not unreasonable in that area especially if not a confident driver

Oh FFS, I'm where there's real snow! Totally unreasonable of her and of you for even stating this. OP has suggested picking up anyway.

I get that she's still angry at the world, taking it out on others, but it's not fair. My DF was similar when our amazing DM died. He refused to understand that we all had our own grief too, and pandering to his moaning, mumping and grief which he wouldn't get help for, wasn't good for any of us. We told him so, gently, over the piece: I'm not sure he fully agreed, but he stopped with the worst of the behaviours.

Could you DH collect her and bring her her back?

I won't drive in the dark - I don't see well enough. It's terrifying and it's her call not yours

Do you really want liabilities on the road?

I get your frustration @Stuckinthemiddle1990 my DM did this when my DF died. She never moved on and it became apparent how much our DF had shielded us over the years. By that I mean he must have constantly been absorbing her moods, reminding her to say nothing, telling her not to manipulate us, placating her etc.

You need to step back, I decided I would let the small stuff slide but the bigger stuff I had to be honest, even when being direct was uncomfortable for both of us. I had DC’s and myself to look after, I only ever saw an occasional glimpse of this behaviour when my DF was alive.

Your DH and SIL need to take over while you reduce your input.

YABU for saying dcat 😂

It sounds like you're trying to offload her grief onto a counsellor

...yes, what's wrong with that? A professional who is experienced in dealing with grief. It's not the OP's job (or anyone else's) to be that outlet

Would your husband drive her home / pick her up for dinner? She probably is genuinely worried about driving in the dark and about snow that might arrive. It would be a kind thing to offer her a lift. Her whole world has changed so it's only being a bit more mindful and accommodating re the dinner and with two sets of ageing parents/ in laws, I've found 70 really can be the age where things start to change re driving etc.

Where did I say its my call? I clearly said I WOUDLNT SAY ANYTHING TO HER BECAUSE ITS UP TO HER. I also said I understand, I might think its unreasonable because I am not scared, my mum thinks I'm unreasonable because I drive in the dark...but it's my call what I do and her call what she does. At least read it properly first!

OP, your MIL is not unreasonable to think life is shit, and woe is her. If her DH was your DH's dad, then that's one long relationship, and a year is nothing in comparison.

You're also not unreasonable to be getting frustrated. It sounds like you've done a lot to try to support her, and she's not willing to accept the other supports that are available.

I don't have a solution for you, but whilst grief is hard, supporting someone dealing with grief is also hard. You could have been kinder about not feeling confident driving in the dark etc, but even a saint would have snapped by now. A couple of moments of feeling frustrated about it all don't detract from all the other things you've done to help.

Sending much love to the whole family.