Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I'm so sad, my heart is breaking for my children

90 replies

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:00

He has stopped seeing them. We split a few years ago and Co parenting worked well despite the distance. Now he has met someone and has a new baby he doesn't see the children anymore. They are missing him and one of them pines for him most days.

I have been telling them he is busy with work ect but how long can I keep that up! I feel as though I've let my children down massively. If I would have tried harder and kept us together then my children would not be in this situation. They are such kind, loving kids and I feel so guilty. I have always just wanted the best for them and never seen this coming. Their father has changed into a completely different person.

Have I damaged my children? I'm worried about the affects this may have on them. I can't stop crying and I feel heartbroken for them.

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/12/2022 14:02

You have not damaged your children, he is the one who has stopped seeing them.

smooththecat · 09/12/2022 14:04

You have to stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. Most importantly, you can’t lie to them about his behaviour, however hurtful that will be. Are you able to have a frank conversation with him about where this is going?

EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 14:04

You haven't let them down, he has. I would try do some research on how best to talk to children about this sort of thing to help them come to terms with his absence. Possibly get professional help for them to deal with it. You can't fob them off with him being busy at work forever.

Original poster

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:07

It is so hard, they are only 7. Yes I've had conversations with him but he keeps fobbing me off. He used to be a good dad and has now turned into some kind of monster.

OP posts:

EmmaDilemma5 · 09/12/2022 14:08

Oh this must be really hard on them.

Are you able to contact him and explain the impact it's having? I would expect he's making all kinds of excuses for himself to justify his behaviour, but he needs to hear the pain he's causing.

I would call him and see if he will consider a less regular meet up at least. I get long distance and two families is hard to manage but he's being totally unreasonable ditching some of his kids in favour of another.

It's not your fault and your kids will know that. If he doesn't play call, I would consider counselling for them if they're old enough, to try to avoid feeling of rejection and inadequacy.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/12/2022 14:11

This is on him, he’s chosen to stop seeing them. How old are they? You’re going to have to bite the bullet, find some honest answers for them and give them a loving secure upbringing. Lots of kids have been through this before yours have and have turned out fine.

They will work out for themselves that their father is a tosser sooner or later.

The only mistake you made was to unwittingly have children with a bloke who would turn out to do this - turns out it’s easily done, many of us have done it before you.

FairFuming · 09/12/2022 14:28

My ex did this for 6 months. I didn't lie to my kids, I've told myself that I will never lie to them for him.

When they asked where he was I said I didn't know, when they asked why they hadn't seen him I told them I didn't know and that I knew it was confusing and upsetting but I love them so much and so do all of our family and that would never change and we would all be ok because we had each other.
I also started changing the narratives that they had like that Dad fixed things so now it's Grandad fixes things and my brother and father really stepped up for us and filled that roll as best they can.
My ex is back in contact now but I'd say my now 4 and 6 year old have certainly lost their our Dad is our hero attitude and that really upsets me but we aren't responsible for somone else's actions and we can't force people to do what's right.

I did work hard to maintain strong relationships with some of his relatives though and that really helped my kids. Can you try do that?

EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 14:30

Don't bother with your ex any more. He's shown how he feels. Concentrate on helping your kids deal with this.

Original poster

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:35

@FairFuming That's nice that they had other male figures to look up to. I have brothers but none of them have stepped in unfortunately. Their dads relatives don't live locally and they have even stopped the calls. I think it is because of both the distance and the fact that the children's dad has moved on. All very sad and some days I just wish it didn't upset the children and we could just carry on as normal without giving him a second thought.

OP posts:

KitchiHuritAngeni · 09/12/2022 14:36

I had similar, and I lied to my kids in some sort of effort to maintain my kids illusions of their dad and keep a relationship there for if he decided to come back. I bought gifts from him for years.

Now my dc are older I can 100% say it was the wrong thing to do. I should have been honest in an age appropriate way, all I did was delay the inevitable.

I've been honest with them now about what I did, and they appreciate what I was trying to do, but they would rather that I would have told the truth.

My ex, like yours, parents the kids of the woman he is with, the one he's with now doesn't even have kids by him but he parents hers and ignores mine anyway because he's a selfish arsehole and it's easier for him. He even blocked two of my dc when they called him out in his behaviour.

I don't understand it myself, but my advice is definitely to be honest, and don't chase him up for a relationship with your dc.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/12/2022 14:38

You haven't damaged them... if anyone has he has. Stop blaming yourself. You're the one who's there for them and is supporting them and being a parent. You need to treat yourself better.

You should never slag a parent off but you also shouldn't lie to your kids and I think its perfectly reasonable for you tell them in an age-appropriate way that dad is preoccupied with his new baby and has less time.

My daughter has been through similar with her dad (though he doesn't have any new kids or a partner) and Ive been very factual and neutral about it. Kids aren't stupid and they will work it out for themselves.

A lot of children go through this with absent fathers and though its far from ideal and it can be damaging, its far from automatic that they will be damaged by it.

Be kind to them and comfort them if they are upset and let them know their feelings are valid. Maybe it might be worth talking to school about counselling? But please stop putting yourself down. They are lucky to have one strong, loving parent.

FlissyPaps · 09/12/2022 14:38

Wow what a cunt.

Ofcourse you haven’t damaged them.

They are not damaged❤ They are just hurting and confused. And that’s his doing, not yours!

They will understand what an absolute arsehole he is when they’re older. But now, and I can’t imagine how hard it is, you just have to keep going. For them. Let them know you love them and keep them distracted whenever they ask about him.

Don’t let him waltz in and out of their lives if he tries to do it later on. He’s shown his true colours.

oakleaffy · 09/12/2022 14:40

@Sundawn0
I feel for your children...If a dad {It's usually a father} is unreliable, and has a new baby {Usually the new partner tries to get pregnant PDQ for some reason if a man already has children}, then his unreliability and selfishness really can have ongoing issues with the children, who feel abandoned and justifiably hurt.

I hope to goodness your ex sees sense.
Is the new girlfriend being jealous of him seeing his children?
My son was really affected by this issue.
He's an adult now, and still feels strained around his dad at times for this very reason.

2bazookas · 09/12/2022 14:45

One of their parents has let your children down. Broken trust.

What they need now, is to be able to completely trust the remaining parent. So it's really important that you don't fall into the trap of false excuses, covering up for Ex.

If you tell them "he's too busy at work (to have time for his family) ", then that lie has implications for how they feel when YOU are very busy at work. (Panic; is she so busy at work she'll dump us like dad did?).

You need to tell them the truth " I don't know why Dad doesn't come /keep contact, I can't explain it. ". Sometimes no answer is better than the wrong answer.

Herejustforthisone · 09/12/2022 14:48

Just how can men do this? How?

Millana · 09/12/2022 14:50

This is not your fault.
You do not control his behaviour.

HotWashCycle · 09/12/2022 14:54

Can you write to him OP - a proper letter as that will have more gravitas than a text etc. Tell him that the DC are really missing him and need him in their lives. Don't be accusatory. You could say that you are understanding that he has had another baby and wish him happiness with the new child, but encourage him to feel needed and wanted by your DC, and ask what arrangements he wants to make about seeing them.
It could be that he is taking the easy way out, encouraged by the new woman. Depending on why she might be influencing him, your letter might help to reassure her if she is jealous or worried about you and him. So sad for your DC. These absent fathers should not be allowed to get away it.

bonnielochs · 09/12/2022 14:55

How long has it been since he has seen them or spoken to them?

If its only been a week omatbybe even a month, perhaps it wasn't a smooth delivery with the new baby or his partner is unwell and he needs to focus on that side of things right now? I'm not saying it would be right but it would be understandable.

caringcarer · 09/12/2022 14:55

Text him and ask him to set up a video call for over Xmas for your children.

Original poster

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:58

@bonnielochs He has seen them for 2weeks in the last 16 months :( it used to be a lot more regular.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 09/12/2022 15:02

They have you and that is so important. I'm bringing up GC, parents split and he isn't able to be with either of them. It's hard sometimes, last night he suddenly said, "You're my best friend as well as my gran." I had a little cry. It is so hard but your children and my GS know they are loved and cared for, it isn't ideal but it will be enough.

LadyHarmby · 09/12/2022 15:02

I think I’d made a last attempt to appeal to his better nature. Maybe a letter. Don’t get angry, don’t guilt trip or make accusations. Just calmly explain the impact on them and how worried you are for them. Nothing about you or him but all about them.

if that doesn’t work, then I agree with everyone else. Be honest with them in an age appropriate way and be there for them. It’s all you can do.

qpmz · 09/12/2022 15:06

What about his parents, the children's grandparents? Do they want to see the children? Can they talk some sense into their son?

SweetSakura · 09/12/2022 15:08

My ex is increasingly flakey and I can see it taking its toll on my children. And on my health as I try and make up for everything he isn't. It's tough and I feel for you. But they have you. You haven't failed them, he has. You can't make him prioritise them.

TheKeatingFive · 09/12/2022 15:09

This is all on him. Don't feel guilty for a second. Fuck him.

What you need to do is be the parent they can 100% rely on. Nothing else matters, much less covering his ass. My sister in law was put in this position. He's washed his hands of the kids. But she is an absolutely kick ass mother and her children know exactly how lucky they are to have her.

Flip

1 2 3 4