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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so sad, my heart is breaking for my children

90 replies

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:00

He has stopped seeing them. We split a few years ago and Co parenting worked well despite the distance. Now he has met someone and has a new baby he doesn't see the children anymore. They are missing him and one of them pines for him most days.

I have been telling them he is busy with work ect but how long can I keep that up! I feel as though I've let my children down massively. If I would have tried harder and kept us together then my children would not be in this situation. They are such kind, loving kids and I feel so guilty. I have always just wanted the best for them and never seen this coming. Their father has changed into a completely different person.

Have I damaged my children? I'm worried about the affects this may have on them. I can't stop crying and I feel heartbroken for them.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 09/12/2022 15:12

Well its all him isn't it he has chosen not to see his children how is any of that your fault. I don't know what arrangements you had in place but I do think he needs to see them.

GetThatHelmetOn · 09/12/2022 15:13

Ok. First of all, you have not damaged your children. Divorces happen for very good reasons and normally after many years of being in an excruciatingly lonely, neglecting or abusive relationship. His dad wouldn’t be a better dad if you have stayed and you know that del down.

I found it very difficult when my ex stopped contact with my child. But, looking back at that time so many years later I can tell you it was a blessing in disguise: My child’s needs were ignored and neglected constantly when he was having contact with his dad, he was made miserable every other weekend, as soon as the contact stopped DS started flourishing.

Stop making up lies to cover for your ex absence, you are just perpetuating your kids misery. If they ask you when they will see him say the truth, you don’t know and then distract them. If they ask you why his farther is no longer interested, don’t make up for dad, just say that whatever could be in their dad’s mind has nothing to do with them.

I’m not going to deny there has been some suffering with dad disappearing from my child’s life but… there has been far more happiness than if they had stayed in contact, dad was messing him up and hurting his feelings far too often.

Mrsjayy · 09/12/2022 15:13

And I don't think you should be excusing him.

Olive19741205 · 09/12/2022 15:13

Text him and ask him to set up a video call for over Xmas for your children

Why should OP have to set anything up? It's not up to her to chase him and try to get him to see his own kids.

Shade17 · 09/12/2022 15:13

Herejustforthisone · 09/12/2022 14:48

Just how can men do this? How?

I really don’t know. I’d walk over hot coals to see my DD if DW and I split. She is my absolute everything. As I tell her, my favourite person in the whole world.

StephanieSuperpowers · 09/12/2022 15:18

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP. Heartbreaking for your lovely little children. But at least they have you.

Crumpleton · 09/12/2022 15:18

If your Ex was violent, having affairs or treated you badly then it was the right thing in not putting up with it.
No one would want to bring children up in that kind of environment by choice.

Notimeforaname · 09/12/2022 15:20

When they ask for him, let them call him. He can tell them himself why he's not there.

When you say he's fobbing you off, what are his excuses? Not that it really matters anyway.

But do stop making excuses. If he wont pick up the phone to them at the very least, just say you are waiting for him to get back to you/call you.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2022 15:24

OP You haven't damaged your children at all.

Your ex has, though.

This happened to me with my first husband. He had no interest in the DC within a short while of the break-up, and almost never saw them after his new partner had a baby.

Your children will get over it. This isn't your fault.

Happyher · 09/12/2022 15:26

Let them ring him and ask when he’s coming to see them. Let him have the difficult conversations with them. It may upset them but they need to know the truth or they will blame you.

Nottodaty · 09/12/2022 15:28

This isn’t your fault, & more importantly not your children’s fault.

I don’t think I would send letters or beg. Focus on your children and seek out support from counselling to give them a safe space to discuss the impact.

I’ve had a friend who recently had a new baby, his co-parenting hasn’t been affected by his new child - your ex behaviour is wrong and not normal.

Its sad I know friends who would do anything to see their children and are limited and stopped (not due to DV or anything like that) so it’s refreshing to hear a mother wanting their children’s father to step up.

You’re doing an amazing job and being there for your children.

PrinceHaz · 09/12/2022 15:30

FairFuming · 09/12/2022 14:28

My ex did this for 6 months. I didn't lie to my kids, I've told myself that I will never lie to them for him.

When they asked where he was I said I didn't know, when they asked why they hadn't seen him I told them I didn't know and that I knew it was confusing and upsetting but I love them so much and so do all of our family and that would never change and we would all be ok because we had each other.
I also started changing the narratives that they had like that Dad fixed things so now it's Grandad fixes things and my brother and father really stepped up for us and filled that roll as best they can.
My ex is back in contact now but I'd say my now 4 and 6 year old have certainly lost their our Dad is our hero attitude and that really upsets me but we aren't responsible for somone else's actions and we can't force people to do what's right.

I did work hard to maintain strong relationships with some of his relatives though and that really helped my kids. Can you try do that?

I think this is the perfect way to talk to your children about this.

megletthesecond · 09/12/2022 15:33

You have not damaged them. He's the one behaving like an loser.

If you have a fair bit of proof you have attempted to facilitate contact then I would stop there and never contact him again. Mine haven't seen their dad in 13yrs.

MeridianB · 09/12/2022 15:33

This is really low behaviour on his part. Don't be his apologist. Be as honest as you can, at least to manage their expectations. And don't let this idiot swan back and dictate a new schedule when he comes to his senses in a year.

I hope he is paying maintenance.

Peedoffo · 09/12/2022 15:36

So many men do this they only parent with the woman they are currently with. Don't worry about it OP he's shown you the kind of man he is pity the woman he's with. If they break up he will do the same.

ZL2014 · 09/12/2022 15:37

That’s terrible and Mum guilt gets us all even when it’s not our fault. There’s nothing worse than seeing them upset when there’s nothing you can do to make it better.

I’ve not experienced anything with my partner however other family members have let my children down massively. SIL cut them off and our son, 4 at the time always asked why we wouldn’t take him to see her. Really broke my heart but I will not take the blame for upsetting my children when I’ve not done anything wrong, I just explained to him that she’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with us (as was her decision).

Most recently I’ve been blamed for not allowing a sleepover that they were promised one by a family member (they were both really looking forward to it). Both my sons were blaming me for not allowing them although the family member kept finding excuses, I had to tell them that said member had not given me a date for it and was busy.

They are definitely hard conversations as you can never answer the questions as to why but I never wanted them to blame me or their father for other peoples actions. Now I make it clear to others not to make them promises they can’t keep as I have to see the fall out, which breaks my heart.

Personally, I would have a word with the father and let him know that if he is going to continue to let them down then I wouldn’t be covering for him again. Of course, I’d do this in a sensitive way and not pick at the father in the conversation, but if you are their consistent then I wouldn’t want to be taking the blame for his actions.

Badger1970 · 09/12/2022 15:39

My Dad walked out on Mum and by default my sister and I. Mum lied, said it was his MH, he was having a crisis. All bullshit, he'd moved on. We didn't see him for nearly 4 years initially and he left Mum penniless and homeless.

I wish to God she'd been honest. As we only ended up going through it again when she did tell us the truth. Be age appropriate, but tell them you're not stopping him from seeing them and that he just doesn't seem to want to. It's brutal but it's honest, and they're not going to wonder if you're stopping them from seeing him. Can you ask school for some support for them?

CatJumperTwat · 09/12/2022 15:39

I'm sorry. A scarily high percentage of men seem to be able to drop their children like hot potatoes, even if they were an active parent for many years.

If it's any consolation my father was the same and I don't blame my mum one bit. It only makes me appreciate her even more. I also don't think the lack of a male parent affected me, and I barely ever think about him.

notanothertakeaway · 09/12/2022 15:42

I think best to be honest

How old is the baby? Perhaps kids could send a Christmas gift to the baby?

Kaffiene · 09/12/2022 15:51

Going through similar with DS4 . It’s now been 6 months since his Dad has seen him even though he lives round the corner and picks up his new kids from the same school. I just don’t get it. I have really concentrated on being a rock solid parent for DS. Just being there, listening and doing what I say I am going to do. I am not perfect by any means but he knows I am here and I love him. Honestly I think he is better off with his flaky other parent in his life. I talk about him in neutral tones if he brings him up which he is doing less and less. It would now take a court order for me to let him see and unsettle DS again.
I wouldn’t bother contact your ex on the kids behalf. He knows where they are etc and doesn’t care. You don’t have the emotional energy to waste on the at. Just try and concentrate on moving forward with your kids. Good luck

User36363636362636372 · 09/12/2022 15:55

This is sadly quite common. dad has a new partner and baby and sometimes (not always) his older kids are second best. My sons dad seen him regularly until the had more children with his partner.

I can understand how upsetting this is for your children and yourself but sometimes NC with dad is better than a sporadic contact, with false promises and let downs. This is what I've learnt with my own DS, being let down and his dad giving false promises was causing so much distress.

you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's alm him and probably her too.

just carry on being the best mum you can be. They will realise their dad is an idiot.

MzHz · 09/12/2022 15:55

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:07

It is so hard, they are only 7. Yes I've had conversations with him but he keeps fobbing me off. He used to be a good dad and has now turned into some kind of monster.

Monster how? Have you got a high conflict relationship with him?

Squamata · 09/12/2022 15:58

What he does is outside of your control. All you can do is to be there for them as much as you can. It's his loss.
I'd be matter of fact with them. Feeling guilty won't help them one bit.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 16:01

It's so depressing how common this is. Man (sometimes women do this but it seems much rarer)) leaves wife and kids for shiny new wife and baby. They can't ever have truly loved them at all, they're just living their lives on a emotionally superficial level and causing such upset to those kids left behind. Damn them to hell.

FairFuming · 09/12/2022 16:01

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:35

@FairFuming That's nice that they had other male figures to look up to. I have brothers but none of them have stepped in unfortunately. Their dads relatives don't live locally and they have even stopped the calls. I think it is because of both the distance and the fact that the children's dad has moved on. All very sad and some days I just wish it didn't upset the children and we could just carry on as normal without giving him a second thought.

It doesn't have to be a male role model. It can be you or a friend or anyone.
I think my brother wasn't wanting to jump right in as he didn't want to step on any toes but when I asked him for help after telling him the kids were struggling he really stepped up. Maybe you could ask or even just make arrangements to meet up with yours?
If you aren't close with any of his relatives then you don't have to push that I think the main thing is to stop blaming yourself. You havent done anything wrong.

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