Page 3 | I'm so sad, my heart is breaking for my children

Sundawn0 · 2022-12-09T14:00:28+00:00

He has stopped seeing them. We split a few years ago and Co parenting worked well despite the distance. Now he has met someone and has a new baby he doesn't see the children anymore. They are missing him and one of them pines for him most days. I have been telling them he is busy with work ect but how long can I keep that up! I feel as though I've let my children down massively. If I would have tried harder and kept us together then my children would not be in this situation. They are such kind, loving kids and I feel so guilty. I have always just wanted the best for them and never seen this coming. Their father has changed into a completely different person. Have I damaged my children? I'm worried about the affects this may have on them. I can't stop crying and I feel heartbroken for them.

mam0918 · 09/12/2022 16:08

You are clearly not responsible for his actions and trust me kids realise which parent is the deadbeat.

I probably looked pathetically sad as a kid waiting at the window all ready for my 'dad' to come pick me up which he rarely ever did. I wasn't even sad about not seeing HIM though, I was sad about all the promises that where constantly broken (like he was suppose to take me trick or treating and wouldnt show or promised to take me to and event and then wouldnt show).

Took me years of getting ready and sitting waiting to realise he was never going to actually show, I was sad I missed out but I don't actually miss HIM at all and I appreciate so much more all the awesome things my mam did.

mam0918 · 09/12/2022 16:14

Also as for 'damage' my most damaged friends (and they will tell you themselves how awful and fucked up their childhoods where) where NOT the kids of devorce but rather the kids of unhappily married parents.

They grew up with a mix of abuse and toxisity constantly worried about when the tention would finally explosively snap and what would happen to them then... I think that constant state of 'what happens next' fucked them up a lot more than just ripping the bandage off and having an answer where they could move on and relax.

Isthisreasonable · 09/12/2022 16:16

2bazookas · 09/12/2022 14:45

One of their parents has let your children down. Broken trust.

What they need now, is to be able to completely trust the remaining parent. So it's really important that you don't fall into the trap of false excuses, covering up for Ex.

If you tell them "he's too busy at work (to have time for his family) ", then that lie has implications for how they feel when YOU are very busy at work. (Panic; is she so busy at work she'll dump us like dad did?).

You need to tell them the truth " I don't know why Dad doesn't come /keep contact, I can't explain it. ". Sometimes no answer is better than the wrong answer.

This. Don't make up stuff to protect your dc they need to know there is someone who won't lie to them. Don't start a conversation about their dad or slag him off just be matter of fact when asked.

My ex left when dc was 4. By 5 they had independently worked out what he was like. At 7 there will be other children in their class in the same boat and they all support each other IME.

YouOKHun · 09/12/2022 16:17

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/12/2022 16:01

It's so depressing how common this is. Man (sometimes women do this but it seems much rarer)) leaves wife and kids for shiny new wife and baby. They can't ever have truly loved them at all, they're just living their lives on a emotionally superficial level and causing such upset to those kids left behind. Damn them to hell.

If I was the new partner of a man who made no attempt to see his own flesh and blood on a regular basis I would find that a red flag.

Sorry OP, it’s not the main point of your OP. I don’t have experience of your situation but I agree with posters here who think honesty with your children has to be the best way long term. I really feel for you and for them. He’s a selfish man child - I’m so sick of reading about adults who [old fashioned phrase coming up] have no backbone and no principles.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2022 16:19

I’ve put that YABU OP because you are, when you blame yourself. You didn’t let your kids down, their dad did. It’s heartbreaking even to think about how he treats them but none of this is your fault. And kids will understand this when older.

CatJumperTwat · 09/12/2022 16:20

MzHz · 09/12/2022 15:55

Monster how? Have you got a high conflict relationship with him?

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Monster because he's dropped his children.

Isntitakward · 09/12/2022 16:41

How can a parent do this? I just can’t comprehend. it’s not within the realm of reality for me that you can decide not to see your children anymore, where’s the love gone? I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I don’t think the “busy” explanation is good, I would start to say that unfortunately you don’t know why he does that but you’re truly sorry they are being hurt and it’s not their fault.

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 16:41

it's all on him & he doesnt deserve their love or loyalty, I would gradually freeze him out of their lives
yes he's a monster, a cold snake of a man

Bestcatmum · 09/12/2022 16:44

What an absolute piece of shit he is. I wonder if his new partner knows he's done this to his kids.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/12/2022 16:47

Sundawn0 · 09/12/2022 14:58

@bonnielochs He has seen them for 2weeks in the last 16 months :( it used to be a lot more regular.

I didn't know how to vote (YANBU but YABU to suggest it's your fault!) but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

It's all on him - he's their Dad, he's made a choice. He will end up regretting it the most, trust me.

Shodan · 09/12/2022 16:52

I asked ds1 for his input (he's 26 now) because his father would cancel visits at the last minute, or would just not bother turning up, or would have reams of excuses why he couldn't come, and ds1 would be upset every time.

I decided to be as honest as was suitable- "I'm sorry ds1. I don't know why your Dad hasn't come. But whatever the reason, it is most definitely not your fault. He does love you."

And when, inevitably, ds1 started to ponder how much his father loved him, if he couldn't even be bothered to come and see him- "Your father loves you as much as he's able to love anyone. Always remember that."

Anyway. Ds1 said that although he knows he was sad that his father didn't turn up, he doesn't remember each occasion. He does remember that I was always there for him. And he does remember being glad that I left it open enough so that when he was old enough to travel to see his father by himself, he could go, and maintain that relationship. Especially so because his father died when ds1 was 18. His memories now are of a man who did love him, but just wasn't up to scratch as a dad.

He seems to be a happy and well-adjusted young man. And he's fiercely loyal to me.

I don't know if all that ^^helps at all. I just wanted to try and allay your worries that you've let your children down.

QuinkWashable · 09/12/2022 16:54

I don't know what to pick here - I want to say this is not your fault, it is entirely his - you are there for them, present, and he isn't.

I already know you put your energy into them, keep it up, don't try to explain him, just get on with stuff together and build a life without him.

Isntitakward · 09/12/2022 16:56

@Kaffiene
I can’t believe what I’m reading… His another children in the same school and he’s avoiding seeing his first child? Did he even try to ever explain that? This is almost psychotic behaviour. What an evil

cansu · 09/12/2022 16:58

How long since he has seen them?

Rollingupahill · 09/12/2022 17:08

You are not responsible for his actions which are reprehensible. But you are responsible for how it is communicated to them. I agree with a previous poster, I would personally seek professional advice.

PeaceJoySleep · 09/12/2022 17:11

be truthful with them. I used to say ''I don't know why he doesn't come''. and ''i don't know what could be better than seeing you too''.
my dc aren't perfect but neither seems to be struggling with their father's absence in their life.

early on, a friend of mine was trying to do the right thing and sold her deadbeat x as some great guy. I think it confused her dd so much more as she was left feeling not good enough to capture the attention of this fabulous man. hmmm.

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 17:11

Isntitakward · 09/12/2022 16:56

@Kaffiene
I can’t believe what I’m reading… His another children in the same school and he’s avoiding seeing his first child? Did he even try to ever explain that? This is almost psychotic behaviour. What an evil

that's horribly humiliating for them
he really is a snake

Soothsayer1 · 09/12/2022 17:15

I think you'll just have to find a gentle way to tell them that sadly he's not a good person, probably the main thing is that they know it's not their fault, they deserve to be loved and cherished but he....I dont know, somehow is 'defective' and cant?

picklemewalnuts · 09/12/2022 17:15

Shodan · 09/12/2022 16:52

I asked ds1 for his input (he's 26 now) because his father would cancel visits at the last minute, or would just not bother turning up, or would have reams of excuses why he couldn't come, and ds1 would be upset every time.

I decided to be as honest as was suitable- "I'm sorry ds1. I don't know why your Dad hasn't come. But whatever the reason, it is most definitely not your fault. He does love you."

And when, inevitably, ds1 started to ponder how much his father loved him, if he couldn't even be bothered to come and see him- "Your father loves you as much as he's able to love anyone. Always remember that."

Anyway. Ds1 said that although he knows he was sad that his father didn't turn up, he doesn't remember each occasion. He does remember that I was always there for him. And he does remember being glad that I left it open enough so that when he was old enough to travel to see his father by himself, he could go, and maintain that relationship. Especially so because his father died when ds1 was 18. His memories now are of a man who did love him, but just wasn't up to scratch as a dad.

He seems to be a happy and well-adjusted young man. And he's fiercely loyal to me.

I don't know if all that ^^helps at all. I just wanted to try and allay your worries that you've let your children down.

This is a lovely post.

Twillow · 09/12/2022 17:16

Don't lie on his behalf - you're the one who will end up getting blamed sooner or later. Find an honest but kind and age-appropriate way to tell them you're sorry their dad is not seeing enough of them.

carefulcalculator · 09/12/2022 17:18

It is horrible to watch but not your fault. You also can not fix it. All you can do is help your children deal with it.

It is important you stop lying. You do not have to say anything overtly critical, but the facts are that you do not know why daddy is not visiting - stop covering up with lies. You have to be even more reliable for them so it is important you do not lie.

I would say something like 'I have asked Daddy if he wants to visit but at the moment he hasn;t made any plans. Daddy knows where we are but at the moment we have to make as much fun as we can just with us three. If you want to tell me you are missing Dady, I am always here to listen."

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/12/2022 17:18

Happyher · 09/12/2022 15:26

Let them ring him and ask when he’s coming to see them. Let him have the difficult conversations with them. It may upset them but they need to know the truth or they will blame you.

This is a good idea.

carefulcalculator · 09/12/2022 17:19

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/12/2022 17:18

This is a good idea.

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I would not take this approach until secondary, 7 is too young for this.

Itsoktogiveup · 09/12/2022 17:23

I haven’t been in that situation and it sounds so hard, but I don’t think lying to promote the image of a loving but busy father is helpful, when the reality is that they have a neglectful uncaring father.

I would just be honest: that you have tried to arrange meetups but he isn’t doing it, that some men are good at being dads and some aren’t, and you do not know why he is like this now. When they understand, they can begin to accept. If you protect him they’ll unfairly blame you and seek him out later and have illusions shattered then.

I would also message him very clearly to say that their father choosing to abandon them and refusing to see them is upsetting them and that while it may be ‘out of sight out of mind’ for him, children notice and are affected when their father is absent.

Well done for ending the relationship I suspect he would do much more emotional damage to them if you were still together.

Rollingupahill · 09/12/2022 17:23

I think the post about saying how your daddy loves you is spot on. My mum always said that to me despite my dad having left the country and stopped all child maintenance (although he reduced but did not cease all contact). She hated him at the time but it was not about him or her but about the children, and that is what I think some posters here need to remember. The only thing that matters here is the children.