to ask wtf to do with dd14?!

[TunaSpaghettiSub]

TL:DR 14 dd sending / receiving pics, vaping, talking to strangers, causing drama

have had issues before with her sending/receiving innappropriate messages and have had periods where shes had no phone (months), very limited phone access ( phone, text, spotify) and less restricted, but still monitored (she was allowed whatsapp and insta (i have the passwords) and she knows i can check her phone any time. ive also tried trusting her for a while and not checking unless i had a reason to be concerned.

shes just been given my old iphone ( she has had a very very old basic smartphone before this) and i havent got the same family link app i had on her old phone. i found her on it at 2am, phones are supposed to be downstairs after lights out. so i told her shes to leave her phone here while she goes to school, she kicked off massively so i knew she was hiding something. ive looked through today. omg. she has at least 3 different apps messaging strangers, seems to need so much validation, full of youre so hot youre so pretty etc.
there are pics of her in her bra in her gallery (no idea if she has sent these to anyone) theres a dick pic, agan not sure if its screenshot from the internet or she has been sent it. pic of her with a vape. sexual messages between her and a boy who it appears is older but i dont know how much older. also just loads of drama and causing problems with her friends/

i dont know how much of this is normal, and obviously some of it is very inappropriate. but im also aware shes 14. in a couple of years she will be beyond me 'allowing' her to have a phone, so is taking it away going to help? how would you approach this? trust me when i say we have had discussions about safety , the internet etc etc but nothing seems to sink in.

sorry so i guess for voting... YABU shes a teen this is typical behaviour that just warrents normal consequences eg take her phone away for a few days/ give her extra chores

YANBU this isnt normal ,more interventions are needed (and then please advise what these could be!)

What's your relationship like with her generally? If it's normally good you could try sitting down with her and talking about it calmly. She needs to understand the danger she could be putting herself in, as a child talking to strangers and potentially sending pics etc. Remind her of the law and that she has zero control over any images once they are sent. You need to make sure she feels comfortable to come to you if anything goes wrong.

Oof I mean it's not good but I'm not sure punishing her is going to help her. As you say in a couple of years time she will be doing her own thing. Seems like she needs to develop some self respect. Does she suffer from low self esteem? Does she have hobbies interests other than boys, drama and social media? Sounds like she needs building up in other areas of her life so she's not seeking this validation? Is her dad on the scene, what does he say?

Goodness. I don’t think this is normal at all. My daughter and her friends never did this stuff at that age or older. Fourteen is so very young.

I don’t know what to suggest. She sounds like she wants to rebel. So punishments may strengthen her resolve. You need to set things up where she cannot download apps without your permission.

She needs to understand how risky this behaviour is. Could you share some news stories with her where things ended badly? Is there a trusted adult, an aunt or someone who could chat to her?

Does she have any other interests eg music or sport that could take up more of her time?

That is so worrying. Good luck.

we have a good relationship generally. we can talk about sex, bodies, relationships etc and ive sat and talked to her about these things in a 'not telling you off but having a grown up discussion' way and she makes all the right noises, seems to understand and it feels like ive got through to her but then she just goes straight back to it

If she’s seeking validation from random men on the internet then she needs extra love, reassurance and ways to increase her self-esteem.

Is she being bullied?

She’s probably vaping to fit in (tragic as that is). Or using it as a crutch for anxiety.

I don’t think you should remove her phone. She needs you and I don’t think removing the phone will help. She needs to trust you. I think you need a proper talk with her. Offer to go to a GP with her if necessary.

Forget she’s your daughter for a moment and imagine how you’d react if a best friend/sister was doing these things.

My Dd's have been taught from an early age that strangers on the internet are often not who they say they are. They know not to accept friend requests from people they don't know in real life. I've basically shocked them with grooming stories etc.
The vaping thing is probably typical 14 year old stuff. Apparently they all use them. I've told my DC how difficult it is to stop smoking and as an ex smoker how much shit theyd be in if they did.
I would take the phone away. Of course yoy can't control her behaviour as she gets older but hopefully she'll mature enough toake better decisions.

she doesnt have a lot of other interests but she is into music. dad lives here, he is of the, ban her from everything, sell her phone idea. obviosly i think that is exterme but i dont want to be too soft because she will just take the piss.

i worry about when she starts going out more etc she isnt going to keep herself safe because she loves the attention. shes beautiful, but she knows it and uses it to her advantage and its such a worry

i definitely will be sorting her phone out, she will talk to me about things, thats why its frustrating, and she will talk to her sister

thank you, this helps when all i want to do is take her phone and ground her! shes not being bullied, she tells me any time someone is remotely mean to her and blows it out of proportion. and judging by the conversations on her phone if anything she is the one who isnt very nice to people at times. she comes accross as quite superficial and falls out with people almost for the fun of it. she can be absolutely lovely but she can also be incredibly self centered

Don't have any substantial advice. But if the root is to seek self validation, the only thing can help from the source of the issue is to help her find a healthy way of establish her sense of value.

this is the thing, the amount i have told her about stangers and not being who they say is unreal. i have read her stories from the news, ive had school speak to her, ive shown her examples of teens being groomed etc etc and she says its awful and she needs to be more careful and wont do it again etc etc but then goes back to doing it

To be honest I would be concerned.
Have you heard of the parental control thingy called Qustodio?
Basically you limit time (amount of time but also time of the day she can access her phone), type of website she can go on, and you can see what she does.

Some MNetter will say it invades her privacy but it sounds like she is unsafe. My niece is 14 and she is far far from this.
You're her mum, you need to protect her as much as possible, and that might involve her hating you for a bit.

I would make time to spend with her, activitied, sport, art.... somehow show her that there is value in life beyond being appreciated by men.

What’s her relationship with her dad like?

thank you i will look into this. tbh if she hates me i can live with that i just want her safe and happy long term

Qustudio is a really good and might be a meet halfway for her to be able to keep her phone. She will be cross but deep down she will know very well why you are doing this.

strained. they do have a laugh sometimes and chat about football but he doesnt make a huge effort and i think is at a bit of a loss of communicating and dealing with a teenage girl. will shout at her for things that i dont think are a huge deal (like leaving mess, not turning light off at 10.30, whereas id rather deal with those kind of things by talking aboutit, giving an extra chore etc rather than just telling off. they dont have a great relationship really

i have used family link but it doesnt work very well with iphone as shes 14 and i think its more aimed at children. i will definitely look at qustudio

It is kind of sad that we have to invade our children's space like this but I think sadly it is the only answer to a very dangerous world online. Protecting them physically but also their emotional wellbeing and innocence.

I would be getting her into therapy.

People can get validation from all sorts of things. Maybe you can help her to find validation in something more healthy than random strangers about her appearance? Is she academic? Can you encourage her in something she's good at other than her 'prettiness'.

14 is an appropriate age to be wondering about sex and engaging in flirtation. But as you know, it's dangerous in this day and age to be doing it online and with strangers. So that does need to be addressed. But also seeking validation from the internet is not the most healthy thing. You're absolutely right; over the next couple of years your daughter will become more independent and have more freedom so these next years are key for laying the foundation for healthy relationships and they're based on secure self-esteem.

My dd is 14. I think it is easy to be sucked into this but your dd is way more advanced than mine. She abhors vaping and isn’t really wanting a bf yet - unlike a lot of her friends, but that will come I’m sure so I don’t agree that all teems vape. Until your dd can safeguard herself, it is going to be hard to slacken off the reins. This is something you could point out to your dd. I would be closely monitoring her phone, including via app and using a tracking device.

I agree with keeping talking. It sounds as if she is going to engage in sex, possibly some time soon. I think to a certain extent, you’re going to need to be pragmatic. Try to encourage her to delay and to see sex as something to experience when she trusts the boy as so many things go wrong. Maybe there is a trusted young woman like a cool cousin or aunt, who could talk to your dd. As it’s going to happen at some stage, I would also encourage her to protect herself when it happens. Ie make sure she is physically safe, not being coerced and that he uses a condom.

She needs to be kept as busy as possible to fill in the gaps. Christmas is coming up. Do some things together with her friends. If you can afford it, get her to take up a new hobby. Eg Physical stuff like skiing is great fun at this age. Does the school offer a Duke of Edinburgh award? Probably not seen as cool but if you could get her to do this, the work involved would keep her occupied. Get her to volunteer somewhere at an animal sanctuary.

I think the drama with friends is fairly typical but as you have said chatting with strangers and sending/receiving pics is very very risky. Would taking the angle of potential employers seeing a pic of her online help? She might be looking for a part time job in a couple of years.

This is a big issue. I read years ago in relation to my past that girls, who don’t have a good relationship with their father seek validation in other males. Time for her father to pull his finger out! He should be the one taking your dd places and connecting in the car.

From experience I’d say this is on the bad side of normal. But that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t try and intervene,

What she needs is building up in more constructive ways, she will like the attention garnered from sending these pictures, you need to find ways to bring that same feeling without the picture sharing part.

Does she have many friends, if so are they good friends or bad influences, could you start maybe managing more contact with positive influences in her life, does she have any hobbies that can be scaled up?