to ask wtf to do with dd14?!

[TunaSpaghettiSub]

TL:DR 14 dd sending / receiving pics, vaping, talking to strangers, causing drama

have had issues before with her sending/receiving innappropriate messages and have had periods where shes had no phone (months), very limited phone access ( phone, text, spotify) and less restricted, but still monitored (she was allowed whatsapp and insta (i have the passwords) and she knows i can check her phone any time. ive also tried trusting her for a while and not checking unless i had a reason to be concerned.

shes just been given my old iphone ( she has had a very very old basic smartphone before this) and i havent got the same family link app i had on her old phone. i found her on it at 2am, phones are supposed to be downstairs after lights out. so i told her shes to leave her phone here while she goes to school, she kicked off massively so i knew she was hiding something. ive looked through today. omg. she has at least 3 different apps messaging strangers, seems to need so much validation, full of youre so hot youre so pretty etc.
there are pics of her in her bra in her gallery (no idea if she has sent these to anyone) theres a dick pic, agan not sure if its screenshot from the internet or she has been sent it. pic of her with a vape. sexual messages between her and a boy who it appears is older but i dont know how much older. also just loads of drama and causing problems with her friends/

i dont know how much of this is normal, and obviously some of it is very inappropriate. but im also aware shes 14. in a couple of years she will be beyond me 'allowing' her to have a phone, so is taking it away going to help? how would you approach this? trust me when i say we have had discussions about safety , the internet etc etc but nothing seems to sink in.

Again, please watch The Social Dilemma, it's very informative.

She clearly isn't to be trusted, so taking the phone away and any internet access outside of stuff for homework (supervised too) is probably for the best.

Having a teenage girl is terrifying, all of the good thoughts for you.

Yes he does. I'll look into it thank you

This is really concerning - is there any chance she is being exploited?

This is nice to hear as I absolutely don't feel like I'm handling it well at all!

Thank you. Only good thing about her having phone is so that when she does go out I can track her location and make sure she is where she should be

I mean there's the possibility but I really don't think so. I've read through hundreds of messages and it's mainly different random people. The ones she's spoken to more than a couple of times don't seem to be anything

I'd consider keeping her inside for a week or so to concentrate on things, aside from school. Despite people saying otherwise, grounding isn't unreasonable. She has to learn.

I agree, but she doesn't actually go out that much anyway. Probably part of the reason. Hopefully without social media she might make more effort to go out with friends

Why is she talking to strangers? Strange adults or strange kids (at least who she thinks are kids).

Most teenagers would rather start chewing on their own shoe than have to talk to any sort of stranger.

So sorry to hear @TunaSpaghettiSub , I have a DD and that’s so scary and worrying! Hope she stays safe x

not sure what to advise but could she have a childhood trauma that she’s not told you about which is why she wants the external validation?
I know of someone who was secretly badly bullied at school and resulted in similar reckless behaviour. She’s a few years older now but not settled into anything. Can you arrange for her to see a private therapist? Nhs waiting lists are crazy

wish you and your DD all the best xx

Mostly teens (or who she thinks Are teens)

It's all commenting on someone's video then getting chatting.

Thank you, I really don't think so, she's still friends with most of her friends from when she was little and she not spent a lot of time away from me other than the usual

Yeah it sounds like she needs to do something other than social media involvement. Honestly social media is one of the worst things to happen to kids, it's so dangerous.

🌺

I agree, so glad it wasn't around when I was growing up, I this technology can be amazing for kids but the social media aspect and how fast its got to the point its at is scary

She needs that phone taken off her for a good 12 months OP. Out of interest, what kind of TV is she watching? I deal with teenagers a lot through work and the girls all seem hell bent on recreating this 'euphoria' or 13 reasons why narrative into their lives.
Shes not mature enough.

And yes she needs time and hobbies with her dad. I was a bit of a loon as a teenager but the one thing that stopped me going too far was my dad (not my poor mum bless her!) Just the idea of my lovely dad having to see me in hospital or a police station scared me enough.

What kind of videos is she looking at? What are they saying to each other in the video-linked convos?

My teens look at videos but they don't comment... too risky they might have to talk to strangers.

I may have done a good job raising hermits.

Actually, Big DS did get into gaming where he spoke to random slavic people. That was age 16+, though, and we all took mick out of DS's efforts to sound Ruski.

I've watched those and no, funnily enough she prefers much tamer things to watch. I will absolutely be taking all social media away and Internet access for at least until she's 16. Just trying to decide whether to let her keep the phone for us to keep an eye on location and for her to have music, she's a huge music fan

😅 just various videos/snaps
People doing like tiktok dances, doing cringy / sexy posing

Dear OP. With all due respect, I think you should start your thread in Teenagers. Here, you will get people projecting own lives onto this thread, or with teenagers that are different or maturing differently, there you'll see a variety of responses.

Without minimising it, it's hard to make sense of whether she is engaging in actual dangerous behaviour or it's all pretty standard. Talking to teenagers she doesn't know on social media is normal. Having location on is silly (but she is 14). Vaping is the new smoking, they will try it out. The thing is, this is the beginning of the hardest age, 14-17, and you will inevitably dislike your daughter, not recognise her, and this is completely normal. Having drama with friends is what they - or some of them - do.

I think you should prepare yourself for teenage hood, it is very tough. Read some books. I recommend Get Out of My Life, but First Take Me and Alex Into Town

There is obv great danger in social media, but I would be concerned if she was depressed, had an eating disorder, etc. There are many absolutely awful things that happen to teenagers. What you describe - watching some videos and chatting with random people - is ok, as long as she is not arranging to meet people she doesn't know!

Thanks, I will have a look at that book :)

Thank you, I need to put it in perspective I think.