to ask wtf to do with dd14?!

[TunaSpaghettiSub]

TL:DR 14 dd sending / receiving pics, vaping, talking to strangers, causing drama

have had issues before with her sending/receiving innappropriate messages and have had periods where shes had no phone (months), very limited phone access ( phone, text, spotify) and less restricted, but still monitored (she was allowed whatsapp and insta (i have the passwords) and she knows i can check her phone any time. ive also tried trusting her for a while and not checking unless i had a reason to be concerned.

shes just been given my old iphone ( she has had a very very old basic smartphone before this) and i havent got the same family link app i had on her old phone. i found her on it at 2am, phones are supposed to be downstairs after lights out. so i told her shes to leave her phone here while she goes to school, she kicked off massively so i knew she was hiding something. ive looked through today. omg. she has at least 3 different apps messaging strangers, seems to need so much validation, full of youre so hot youre so pretty etc.
there are pics of her in her bra in her gallery (no idea if she has sent these to anyone) theres a dick pic, agan not sure if its screenshot from the internet or she has been sent it. pic of her with a vape. sexual messages between her and a boy who it appears is older but i dont know how much older. also just loads of drama and causing problems with her friends/

i dont know how much of this is normal, and obviously some of it is very inappropriate. but im also aware shes 14. in a couple of years she will be beyond me 'allowing' her to have a phone, so is taking it away going to help? how would you approach this? trust me when i say we have had discussions about safety , the internet etc etc but nothing seems to sink in.

The trouble is the dopamine hits you get from the attention and/or compliments are addictive so her behaviour isn't rational its compulsive hence why she can agree with every word you say but go right back to it.

I think you need to come at this from an angle that she hasn't got real control over the compulsion to do this and you need to safeguard her. She needs help to break the attention seeking and validation seeking and I think the longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to stop it.

I'd be leaning towards a tough but gentle approach if it was me, so a serious curtailment with education and reasoning together with replacement enjoyments so not a punishment (though she won't like it) but a redirection. The hard part is that constructive self esteem building isn't a quick fix.

Sorry you're having this op, so worrying.

Get her some counselling. She needs someone to really talk to. Her dad needs to spend quality time with her too a couple of times a week. Do they have any shared interests?

can you support her to get some confidence boosting hobbies.

Also family link on phone

she does have friends and tbh i dont think theyre bad influences but i dont think shes very very close to anyone. shes always causing or involved in all the drama so people get fed up of her. she does music and im getting her guitar lessons for christmas so hopefully that will help a bit

Has she been to counselling?

You’re too close to the issue to be able to help, really.

thank you , that makes a lot of sense

An Instrument could be ideal, as not only are the lessons a form of attention she will get satisfaction from doing well and progressing.

Does she think she has outgrown her friends maybe? If so do you know anyone even family who are older but still good influences she can spend time with

Youve also commented on her fathers lack of involvement, he needs to step up here and also be giving positive male attention, even something like a 20 min walk in the evenings together and talk about the school day (that’s what my dad did when I went through the same phase, and it definitely worked)

Also- I assume you’ve explored the possibility of her having been groomed or abused, as horrible as it is?

For me, I went through the same phase because of the abuse I experienced in younger childhood. I was scared I’d lose the attention as I grew up. I also know others from a support group who due to grooming/abuse used sexual recklessness as a form of self harm, or as a way of trying to get attention from parents, subconsciously getting caught on purpose to try to ‘make’ them see what they hadn’t seen before. I know it’s an awful thing to have to think of, but it does happen.

Nokia 3210 or similar seems like the only phone option suitable so you can make sure atleast she can't access chat rooms or take photos of herself

Walks with her dad sounds like a good idea as PP said

Chores not as punishment but as a part of everyday routine and earning back trust via being responsible

Guitar lessons will be a brilliant idea too as you have said

Mini rewards like a movie night ever month or a new outfit every month if she is being respectful of herself and following the boundaries

Get her involved with cooking a meal for the family once a week

After school clubs

Allow her to have friends over at your house to stop her being bored and taking pictures or vaping

she hasnt had councelling and i really cant afford to go private. i can save, but its not just not prioritising, i dont have the money. i can try and go through the gp or school but i cant see anything happening any time soon

her and dad both interested in football but dont do anything or watch it together

obviously i cant say with certainty it isnt possible bu ti really dont think so. im very open with her and she does talk to me (obviously not about everything!) and we often have chats and theres rearely been time when she was younger that i wasnt around

thank you, she does have jobs around the house to do, but she does need to muck in with family life a bit more

You say money's a bit tight OP, so perhaps going to one of the big football games isn't affordable, but what about if your DH found a local football team, that he and your DD could follow, perhaps going to watch them play every week together? Just a thought as a way of getting them more in touch with each other.

Also, does your DD play football? If not, it might be worth seeing if there's a local team she could join, where she might meet older girls who are a good influence on her? Again, just a thought.

I'd try to get her involved in things she can be good at based on skill, effort, talent etc etc, that then generate the attention/praise she craves.

And I'd find a way of making it clear that being pretty isn't something she can trade on forever or something that is a guarantee and... obviously doing so will lose her as many people as it gains her.

Grim story but, at that age, a friend of mine was very similar (no phones/messaging/internet back then of course), bit shallow, not super close to people, very superficial, 'im pretty and I can get away with it'.

We were friends through horse related stuff so none of that affected our friendship as it was just all about the horses (but that could be any hobby you do around/with other people!)...

Then she got kicked in the face by a panicking horse. Lots of surgery, several years of obvious facial disfigurement and of course all the sway she held by being pretty and knowing it dropped, all the 'friends' who were really only hanging about because of that just vanished.. and at 15/16 she really had to re-evaluate who she was, what a real friend looked like, how you treated people etc etc. (Now, if you didn't know her before, you wouldn't know so shes really lucky in that respect).

How you broach that with a 14 year old, I have no bloody idea!

With absolute kindness here, if she’s not getting the attention and support she needs, she absolutely will seek it out through inappropriate internet usage and drama with her friends.

If you want to create healthier boundaries work on your relationship with her, her relationship with everyone else in the immediate family. This is something I’ve learned through experience so no judgement here.

It might be worth gently asking? In a, you know rationally this isn’t good for you, where is it coming from kind of way.

My mother would say the same, she’s not remotely as caring as you are but she still is adamant nothing bad happened to me because she would have known about it. In reality the main culprit was a close family member, so things often happened when we stayed on visits and my mother was asleep. I hid everything from her. I also hid things from people who cared about me because I didn’t want them to be upset. If they’d asked me directly I probably would have said something, but as it was I joined dating sites and things underage and considered that to be my private life, kept secret just like the abuse was.

She needs much more positive involvement from her father.

I disagree with some of these comments. I dont think it's necessarily because she's lacking in anything at home! You can have the best and most loving upbringing and still be lead astray and get in with a crowd at school that you just want to be like. My friends son is the same age, had the same upbringing as his brother, showered with love and so on. But got in with a crowd who were from different upbringings and now he's fell into a lot of their ways. Seeking validation constantly from the group, wanting to fit in, vaping because they do and so on. I dont see that she needs counselling either. Kids hit that age and hormones are everywhere.

Show her your support, speak to her and tell her she can talk to you about anything. Get these apps that monitor everything, even shows what apps she's downloading. Ask her to be completely honest and open with you and try and build from there.

I think her dad spending more time and showing genuine interest in her as a person might help. Could he take her to football matches if they both like that?

i dont know how much of this is normal

None of it is. Don’t normalise it.

thanks everyone. shes home from school and weve had a talk. says shes never bought vapes but has used the dregs of some shes foundlying around (how true that is i dont know and dont know if thats better or worse 😷

dick pic was apparently from a stranger who she blocked, pics of herself it was a top that looks like a bra and she never send it anyone, can you see the theme, nothing is her fault.

and she continued lying about everything (which apps she had, when she had deleted them she said days ago, it was actually this morning when i asked for her phone who shes spoken to, what shes dome) only admittign to anything once she knows ive proof

ive talked to her about dopamine and how you need more of the same to get the same affect. i have spoken to her about safety and self worth etc

ive said if shes so bored she needs to fill her time talkking to strangers i will fill it for her and find her things to do

im goingto keep her phone a few days and install the monitoring software, and tell her i have, she cant be trusted with social media, hopefuly by the time shes old enough to fund a phone herself she will be put and about and meeting new people so wont have the same desire to get her kicks from strange men

My DD is 14 and isn’t doing this, but I dread to think what I’d have been like with a phone, luckily my mum had zero evidence of what I was up to at 14. Have a chat with her. But keep communication open and check her phone daily

Does she have any positive male role models in her life? I agree with pp that she may be seeking care and validation from males because she is not getting this from her Dad, unfortunately the easiest way to get it is sexually.
could you ask school to offer some support? Maybe help her to find something she shines at so she can get positive validation?
btw I personally wouldn’t worry about the vaping at all - pick your battles here!