to ask wtf to do with dd14?!

[TunaSpaghettiSub]

TL:DR 14 dd sending / receiving pics, vaping, talking to strangers, causing drama

have had issues before with her sending/receiving innappropriate messages and have had periods where shes had no phone (months), very limited phone access ( phone, text, spotify) and less restricted, but still monitored (she was allowed whatsapp and insta (i have the passwords) and she knows i can check her phone any time. ive also tried trusting her for a while and not checking unless i had a reason to be concerned.

shes just been given my old iphone ( she has had a very very old basic smartphone before this) and i havent got the same family link app i had on her old phone. i found her on it at 2am, phones are supposed to be downstairs after lights out. so i told her shes to leave her phone here while she goes to school, she kicked off massively so i knew she was hiding something. ive looked through today. omg. she has at least 3 different apps messaging strangers, seems to need so much validation, full of youre so hot youre so pretty etc.
there are pics of her in her bra in her gallery (no idea if she has sent these to anyone) theres a dick pic, agan not sure if its screenshot from the internet or she has been sent it. pic of her with a vape. sexual messages between her and a boy who it appears is older but i dont know how much older. also just loads of drama and causing problems with her friends/

i dont know how much of this is normal, and obviously some of it is very inappropriate. but im also aware shes 14. in a couple of years she will be beyond me 'allowing' her to have a phone, so is taking it away going to help? how would you approach this? trust me when i say we have had discussions about safety , the internet etc etc but nothing seems to sink in.

These are serious safeguarding issues, I've worked with young women with similar behaviours and it doesn't end well without intervention. I'd be approaching school to see if they have any contacts that could help, local police to ask if they have any youth education programmes (she's at high risk for county lines), approaching social services for support, and seeking counselling for her.

She needs to spend more time with her father and he needs to step in now. She needs to see that this isn't how men in her life communicate with her and family and why.

Dad needs to be reading the messages and he could also telephone the people who are making contact with your child whilst she witnesses his response, if dad is able to calmly articulate well.

I would've been like this at that age and I don't know what could've been done about it. Thankfully it was (only just) pre social media so I could do less damage and wasn't online talking to grown men. But I was definitely talking to peers in ways that I don't talk to my own husband 😳also did many things I really wish I hadn't.

For me, it wasn't about validation from men - or at least it didnt feel like that but i guess i was very insecure. It was about fitting in - or what i deemed fitting in and being wanted(?). Maybe that's the same thing. I'd been a very quiet child, didn't have loads of friends and felt a bit awkward. Then in secondary, somehow was taken under the wing of someone a lot cooler and more worldly than me. I don't think she actually pushed me into doing things really, but I felt like I had to grow up, quick. Smoking, drinking and over sexualisation was the path I went down. In fact I seemed to end up "doing" more than anyone else :-/

I grew out of it eventually, but my teens were in all honesty quite messy and no amount of lecturing changed my mindset. I don't imagine I would've engaged with counselling, but worth trying. There might be some free services you can get on the waiting list for if you google. Wish I had an answer for you.

I'm now a very boring adult with a normal(ish) life, but I'm lucky I didn't get myself into some really serious situations more than once, i certainly came close - horrifying looking back.

My biggest concern would be the random men she's talking to. You need to either set up the phone so she can't install anything without permission, or get her a shit phone that will only facilitate calls/texts. She hands it over every evening and you keep it in your room. Does she spend a lot of time out or sleeping at other people's houses? If she does, I'd want her on a tracking app. Not infallible, but helpful.

For what it's worth I had a poor relationship with my father - he was pretty absent, even when around. It doesn't feel relevant but the world seems to think it is so maybe they're right. Her dad needs to step up.

I agree school might be a good place to start for advice. They will have seen it all before.

thank you, and im glad you are ok now. she doesnt spend much time away from home but does have life 360 app on her phone which is one good thing about smartphone i guess!

Sadly it is fairly normal but most parents do not know. Some good suggestions to tackle it by building her up

Good advice here op. I would urge you to do everything you can to shift the direction she's going in soon, because things can get worse very quickly. I don't mean to scare you. I just mean that now is a crucial time, as you said yourself, while she's still young enough to have a certain amount of control over. When she's 17/18 it's not as easy.

I would be moving mountains to get money for therapy, however hard it is.
I would be arranging whatever I could to spend lots of time with her.
I would be contacting the school, and looking at her physical health too. Dows she have any additional needs?
Also, I'd be having a serious word with her father. He is her male role model. She needs love and attention from him now. Some men retreat from their daughters when the girls hit puberty, but they are still needed by their daughters, sometimes more than ever.

Not only do girls (and boys) who crave more love and attention tend to seek it outside the home if they aren't getting enough, but the wrong sort of people can also sniff them out a mile away, and will prey on them.

No, this is not normal at all.

Someone mentioned going to the football. Consider taking to Premier league Ladies matches - tickets are much easier to get and reasonably priced.

She does sound bored. The instrument sounds like a good idea.

I'd plan some days out together over the holiday - invite a friend too?

OP, watch this documentary if you haven't already, it's incredibly relevant to what's going on with your daughter.

The Social Dilemma

is qustodio good? i downloaded it but reviews werent great, saying kids could bypass it somehow

can anyone recommend it or any other software?

You could still use it, but tell her if she bypasses or uninstalls it, she loses her phone and all Internet access for a month.

Oh wonderful! To make matters worse I've managed to get onto her snap chat (which she's managed to install without me knowing) and she's got her location on. So not only is she putting on posing photos of herself, with her name and age, adding hundreds of people she doesn't know, they can also click on her and see our bloody address!!

😱😱😱
Oh Blimey. That's a massive massive issue. ☹️

I know! Said to her how do you not understand how dangerous it is? Do you not understand or just not care?

She says she does understand and care

Can't tell me why she does it. I don't know if I could get any advice from school or if it would even help. Nothing seems to get through I feel like I'm just going to ban all social media and then she will leave home and ruin her life because she's never learnt how to keep herself safe

And it's not for lack of trying! The amount of times we've talked about Internet safety etc

I agree with her dad tbh. She can't be trusted, take it off her and get her an old fashioned mobile with no Internet access or camera.

She has to be 18 to get a contract and they grow up a lot in 4 years

Why haven't you taken her phone away?

Really think about it - why??

She's shown she can't be trusted to tell the truth and you know it's a source of serious harm to her. So WHY are you allowing her to have it?

I have taken it away at the moment while we figure out what to do. I have just got onto snap because It had been deleted but I reinstalled it and checked out what she's been doing.

She was without any kind of phone for 6 months after she'd been doing things she shouldn't. Then she had a very basic very old smart phone for 2 months and it was very locked down, she had insta but we have the passwords and I thought she had grown up a bit. Then i gave her my old iPhone. The family link app we used wouldn't work properly on it and she has obviously bypassed something and managed to install whatever she likes, she's only had it 3 weeks and all this is from those 3 weeks, and now I have her phone again

You should show her the video "Kayleigh's love story"

I've shown it to her. She got upset, then went and did it again. I just don't understand how it doesn't sink in

She's behaving like an addict. Knows she shouldn't but can't stop herself. Terrifying. 😭

Have you both got iPhones?

No, I did have but I upgraded to Samsung and she has my old iPhone

I know 😞

Does her dad have an iPhone?

Apple have what’s called Family Sharing, you as the parent control what apps are downloaded

You can refer yourselves into social care. In my area we have a risk and vulnerabilities team who are very good, they do work with young people about staying safe.

I really feel for you, it is a terrifying thing for her to be doing and you sound to be handling it really well. Refer into CAMHS maybe too?