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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that people who are really "hard work" about presents and cards are just the most exhausting thing ever?

102 replies

user1477391263 · 09/12/2022 11:35

Had a chat with friends last night. Every one of us experienced fallout last year from The Person Who Is Just Really Hard Work About Presents Or Cards.

We had:

The person whose mother went into a big huff because my friend sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card attached to it, but not an entire separate Christmas card as well. Because That's Not A Proper Card, I Need A Proper Card.

The person whose sister made passive aggressive remarks because her box of chocolates was presented in a fancy paper carrier bag with a rosette stuck to it, rather than fully wrapped up in the traditional way.

The person whose mum went all silent because the Christmas card was one from a box rather than an ultra special one-off Christmas card.

The person with the cousin who (when speaking to other family members later on in the year) was acidic about the fact that their kid's present (sent through the mail) arrived a little bit late.

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

The problem with these kinds of people is they never seem to be open to scaling down gift expectations, doing no-gift pacts or a family secret santa either.

It's just so... exhausting and sucks joy from the holiday season. I can't believe that having such uptight expectations of other people actually makes people happy?

OP posts:

CrownTheTurkey · 09/12/2022 11:40

Just be like me and don't buy presents or send cards for anyone.
No moaning required and saves a fortune.

Original poster

user1477391263 · 09/12/2022 11:44

To be honest, I mostly do this (no gifts and cards) with most people as well! But difficult people can be very hard to do this with, unless you really are just very blunt and say something like "We are not exchanging presents and cards from this year," which can be awkward if it's a family member and you suspect they may cause a stink about it.

OP posts:

MaryBeardsShoes · 09/12/2022 11:48

My mother doesn't even look at any presents give to her. She has then often given them back to me 3 to 5 yrs later. I try to buy thoughtful gifts not just tat.

Fairislefandango · 09/12/2022 11:49

YANBU. They all sound like ridiculous, spoilt arses.

SirMingeALot · 09/12/2022 11:52

You're not remotely unreasonable.

Newtrix · 09/12/2022 11:53

Yep... my inlaws are an absolute nightmare. My DH has never liked Christmas because they always ruin it.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 09/12/2022 11:55

YANBU.

My dad is like this. It is totally a control thing.

In recent years, I just get him what I consider to be a thoughtful gift within my price range and then Let. It. Go.

He will not like it. He never does. But I tried, and at least he has something to open on Christmas. I think I am the only one of the family who does get him anything!

KrystynaZ · 09/12/2022 11:57

Just say you're not doing gifts and cards any more. End of.

Consufed · 09/12/2022 12:20

Relative - what would your DC like for Christmas?
Me - thank you, they'd like meccano or a book on rabbits please. What would yours like?
Relative - they'd like family tickets to Disneyland with flights, concierge and luxury spa included. I don't know which meccano/rabbit book to buy? Can you suggest an exact one?
Me - goes away to research... OK, perhaps this one, but we're happy for you to choose.
Relative - OK, I'll get that one. Could you order it to go straight to your house? Can you please wrap it when it arrives? Let me know the amount and your bank details so I can pay you back.
Multiplied several times by other well-meaning friends/relatives. It's time consuming and it would be more fun and varied if they chose the gift themselves.

Itssooooocold · 09/12/2022 12:24

Consufed · 09/12/2022 12:20

🤣

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/12/2022 12:25

My paternal grandparents and aunt used to be so tedious about thank you cards. It was not optional to receive gifts from them but it was obligatory to send thank you cards QUICKLY after Christmas or birthdays and if it wasn't sent quickly enough there would be passive aggressive rudeness. We would also often speak to the grandparents on the day but that wasn't sufficient and a card was always also required. So boring. No issue with thanking people or writing cards but the tedium of the expectation and punishment was so pointless.

SirMingeALot · 09/12/2022 12:27

Honestly, some people need to be laughed at more.

Thelnebriati · 09/12/2022 12:27

Stop worrying about making it awkward; you aren't the one making it awkward. they are, and they'll do it no matter how hard you try.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/12/2022 12:28

Agree with all of this. My Mum and MIL are both the type to get personalised Christmas cards, I used to but then we went through a phase of having very little money, and I would rather not spend it on that. I'm sure they both hate that they get generic cards, but at least they don't say it to our faces.

Chrismingle · 09/12/2022 12:31

My sisters are like this. I suggested a no present pact and they refused! Said getting presents was really important to them. It makes Christmas so much more work than it needs to be.

GasPanic · 09/12/2022 12:35

Hmmm. Sounds like someone I know.

They think they are great at buying presents. But often buy useless crap. If I told them their stuff was crap they would go ballistic. So normally I just smile and say "great present".

However, they don't hesitate to tell people that the stuff that is bought for them is crap in return *(and nearly always is declared as unsuitable or rubbish).

So in a sense a kind of "lack of reciprocating politeness".

Fortunately it's a minor character flaw that only surfaces once per year.

Must strive harder to see the good in people.

teapotfullofsquash · 09/12/2022 12:39

Ergh my dad is like this, there's quite a few of us siblings and we all do secret Santa including our parents. My dad will complain every year how he should get a gift from each of us because he is dad and not just the one secret Santa gift.
If I add, this is the man who has NEVER bought any of us a gift and would always leave it to my mum every Christmas and birthday.

Flowerfairy101 · 09/12/2022 12:40

My sister is like this, I sent her birthday card (to Spain from UK) a week before her birthday thinking that would be fine. It was late. Cue 'why on earth did you think that would be enough time, no one cares about me' etc etc. Then Christmas she has to have a present she views as fitting for her status as my sister so basically better than what I've got for my cousin, this is entirely defined by what she thinks is 'better' so almost impossible to call. Her present is stuck in the Royal Mail drama at the moment and I'm dreading the inevitable fall out if it doesn't come in time. She's just so high maintenance

MoanySloney · 09/12/2022 12:44

I think a lot of people on MN are like this. Bleating on about they buy really thoughtful gifts for people who don't buy the same for them. Saying asking for money is grabby and telling people they should be grateful for any gift at all (even if it is literally a big pile of shit).

Pleasepleasepleaseno · 09/12/2022 12:45

What is WITH people who want a personalised card and not one from a pack? It's just bloody ridiculous. I refuse to get involved with this sort of nonsense.
I am the type of person who if asked would say exactly what I'd like though. Maybe even with links!
I know some people think this seems weird and grabby but really it isn't. I'd be more than happy to skip presents (except for kids) but if people INSIST on exchanging presents then please don't get me something I really don't want. It's just a waste. I know so many people who say it's ungrateful and part of the fun for them is choosing the present but I really don't want a load of crap I don't want or need filling up my house. Previous examples I've had have been a novelty door stop, in the shape of a flamingo, complete with long legs (which trip you over every time you try and walk through the narrow hallway. Just no. Why would I want this?
Or a lily plant. But I have a cat. And they're toxic to cats. They both got given away on Facebook freebie sites. What's the point?

Elsiebear90 · 09/12/2022 12:45

Yes! My SIL is just like this, she picked an argument with me at my wedding because:

-One time her birthday card arrived two days late in the post
-One time I got her an ikea gift card for Xmas because they were buying their house (apparently this shows I don’t care and put no effort in)
-One time I sent her a miller and carter gift card for her birthday (their favourite restaurant)

I bought her a bouquet of flowers with a thank you card from Bloom & Wild (so not cheap) for hosting my hen do and apparently this was not thanks enough.

I also got criticised for not buying them wedding anniversary cards every year (I did for their first wedding anniversary).

It’s exhausting and I now hate buying her anything as I am just waiting for it be critiqued for not being “good enough”.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 09/12/2022 12:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 12:49

Heavens, I don't know anyone like this, thank goodness.

Crackof · 09/12/2022 12:51

Not the most exhausting thing ever, but definitely tiresome fun sponges.

woodhill · 09/12/2022 12:53