To think that people who are really "hard work" about presents and cards are just the most exhausting thing ever?

[user1477391263]

Had a chat with friends last night. Every one of us experienced fallout last year from The Person Who Is Just Really Hard Work About Presents Or Cards.

We had:

The person whose mother went into a big huff because my friend sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card attached to it, but not an entire separate Christmas card as well. Because That's Not A Proper Card, I Need A Proper Card.

The person whose sister made passive aggressive remarks because her box of chocolates was presented in a fancy paper carrier bag with a rosette stuck to it, rather than fully wrapped up in the traditional way.

The person whose mum went all silent because the Christmas card was one from a box rather than an ultra special one-off Christmas card.

The person with the cousin who (when speaking to other family members later on in the year) was acidic about the fact that their kid's present (sent through the mail) arrived a little bit late.

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

The problem with these kinds of people is they never seem to be open to scaling down gift expectations, doing no-gift pacts or a family secret santa either.

It's just so... exhausting and sucks joy from the holiday season. I can't believe that having such uptight expectations of other people actually makes people happy?

My fil is like this. Funnily enough he's not a ray of sunshine in other aspects of his life either.

We just ignore and place bets on what will happen before any event. Makes it less annoying and more entertaining.

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

I'm not entirely sure what this one means, but i might be me you're talking about! I don't actually mind a lack of effort, even though I put a lot of effort in, because I genuinely enjoy the effort and thinking about Christmas gifts etc and do it for that reason, not because it's expected.

What I Do mind however when I am also asked to take the effort away from them. So it might come across as me whining about "nobody putting the effort in".

So today is 9 December. I'm nowhere near finished my Christmas shopping but DH and I are making progress and plan to try finalise ideas and orders etc this weekend so we can do the last bits over the next 2 weeks. We have heard nothing from MIL or SIL about what they want (totally fine - we love coming up with ideas) nor have they asked us what the DC/us may want (also totally fine, we like surprises).

Except, what will most likely happen is on 23 December I will receive a flurry of messages from SIL.
"What do the DC want"
"If I buy DD this outfit, what size shall I get her?"
"Are you sure about that size, it looks very big, I think I should get her a size smaller" [the answer is always, no, get the bigger size. But SIL will always buy the smaller size and then need to change it].
"Do you know where I can order a new football kit for your DS by tomorrow? What team does he like? What number does he want?"
"I want to get you this product but I don't know which one you like the most"

It's exhausting, relentless and removes all the fun from receiving the gift in the first place.

BIL, who I am not usually a big fan of, got me a lovely small token gift last year. You could have blown me over with a feather. It wasn't expensive but it was just the kind of thing I like and... importantly.... I had not had any input into it whatsoever.

I have one who is high maintenance about being low maintenance.

So he insists he doesn't want anything. Anything he is given he is grumpy about. 'I said I didn't want anything'

Fine.

Except when people don't give him anything he gets all 'I know. I don't matter. No one cares about me...'

He goes to loads and loads of trouble for other people with special, thoughtful presents wrapped beautifully... he says it gives him joy to treat other people.

But completely refuses to give anyone else the same in return.

It's like he wants to be the overlooked victim and gets upset whenever someone makes him have to be grateful in return.

Infuriating.

See the problem with all of your friends there are that they actually gave a shit. My DPs mum used to be like this,and DP used to stress right out about it. It didn't matter the present or card, it wouldn't be good enough.

After two years of seeing this, I prepped DP for the next year. MIL opened the present, bitched about it, so DP took it off her, said "No worries, I'll just take it back then" and we chucked it in the car. MIL asked a few times over the next couple of weeks whether she was getting another present and we just said no.

Next year oddly enough MIL loved her present.

Weirdly, this was MILs only real issue, she was absolutely lovely in every other way, but had a real chip on her shoulder about presents

This is my mother. She likes nothing, wants nothing and sits with a face like fizz on Christmas Day. Anything we buy her is given back to us but if we didn’t make the effort it would be world war three. I sent her a Christmas bouquet as part of her present last year and was told NO-ONE wants to be arsed with flowers lying about at Christmas. Now I make up a hamper but if it’s not - I don’t eat that fancy rubbish - it’s - you know that gives me heartburn/annoys my ulcer/will be far too much for me on my own. She spoils Christmas for everyone every year!

The person whose mum went all silent because the Christmas card was one from a box rather than an ultra special one-off Christmas card.

I forgot this was a thing. This can be a whole thread on MN itself, apparently people get very upset about family members not getting them a personalised card

My late in laws had to have their special Christmas cards sent in the post , first class.
We took them round there once and they had the right hump
They were a pain about everything though !!

My late in laws spoiled every single Christmas with their demands and not liking anything
Ditto Mother's Day ( flowers were not good enough etc etc)
They could start a row in an empty room !

Mine too! If we didn’t send a thank you card, we didn’t get a gift the following year. Phoning wasn’t enough, thanking in person wasn’t enough, had to be a card.

They all bought birthday presents for my DD’s first birthday, I took a video of her opening each individual gift or playing with it afterwards and sent it to them so they could see her with their gift along with a thank you message. That wasn’t enough apparently, still background grumbles about ‘no thank you card’.

FFS, they’re bad for the environment, cost money in a stamp and I just don’t have the time to write one for every gift I get then remember to send it 🙄 a quick ‘thank you’ in person is more than enough for me.

MIL is also weird about wanting to watch people open presents she’s bought them, so they lavish her with praise and thanks there and then. It’s really pressurey and it just seems the make the giving of a gift really egotistical and all about her.

The thread last year on Mumsnet about the special cards was a cracker
Some people are clearly very precious!

They only get to refuse for the gifts they give.
Just stop, they will stop soon after.
Job done

I remember being told that I had to send out thank you cards for my babies gifts too
It is such a faff when you've already said thank
You etc

My sil wasn't impressed when we stopped the present buying. However , she admitted years later that it was good that we did. Sometimes people have to make a stand

Snap, I always thought it was being ungreatful but I realised its deeper than that. Strange desire not to put themselves forward or appear to be taking anything. Mine is also shoving bits of food off her plate onto others before anyone else has got a fork in their Christmas dinner.

Otherwise an incredibly generous and caring person, its bizarre.

I don't get it when people say they are 'not doing gifts this year', so we don't get them one, but then they give us one anyway

So you've met my SIL?

My mum is like this! Absolutely bonkers, and I won't tolerate it at all 🤣

I take some time to write nice, personal sentiments in blank cards. Apparently my mum would prefer I just pop to Clinton's, grab a card with a pre-written verse and stick my name at the bottom purely because it says 'mum' on the front.

Surely this is about differences in languages of love.

Some people think having time and inconvenience spent finding a perfect gift = love

Some feel spending a lot of money = love

Some feel spending time with someone = love

Others don't feel occasions are important and it's what you do regularly shows love

Ultimately if you want to show someone you care then you need to use their language of love not your own. It's not always easy as a high price gift may feel shallow to one of the other types. Or a thought out but cheap gift may feel too cheap etc. but if you want someone to enjoy what they receive then flex your approach

This is why I don't buy for anyone other than my own kids.

I always send boxed cards at Christmas . Who buys those personalised cards?

Christmas is expensive and I'd rather spend money on their gift

My late inlaws just demanded love and attention and special things, but it all had to be on their terms and was never good enough.
They nearly broke us , it is just exhausting

yuck!! These people are awful.

My MiL is like this. It’s just hard work.

The year we sent her (and my Mum) flowers with a nice message on a little card and she kicked off because we didn’t send a proper card as well

The year my daughter had a bit of a health scare and we were in and out of hospital so DH Moon Pigged her a birthday card and some chocolates as we were just running out of time and she kicked off because the card wasn’t hand written

Then we’ve had several years of tantrums over special Christmas cards because we just sent one from all of us, we didn’t send a separate Nanny & Grandad one from our children.

The year that DD1 was born, she kicked off because her card and gift was a day late - DD1 was born the day before her birthday and we gave it to her when she came to meet DD

Thankfully, she is a lot more chill these days and a lot less hard work but she still has her moments.

YANBU.

People have become so greedy and mercanery, they can't just receive a gift as a thoughtful and generous act. I have a standard rule now. Anyone who moans about a present, only gets a card/email in future and if they moan again, they don't even get that.

I had one boyfriend, who scowled from Dec 25-27th and then complained that I hadn't bought him a £3k Longines. 😮 I'd been made redundant on Christmas Eve that year, I'd already paid for clothes for him to attend a wedding because he didn't have anything decent and that sort of money was completely beyond me. I dumped him.

Another boyfriend was always borrowing my stuff when we travelled, moisturiser, nail clippers, sun cream...so I bought him a big Ted Baker toiletries bag and carefully chose nice travel toiletries that would suit him, aftershave, factor 50 sun cream, clippers, moisturiser etc. He said I'd only done it because I was too tight to lend him stuff when we were away. 😧 so I dumped him too.

Uhhgh Men !!"

God bless
My lovely 83 year old FIL who transfers £100 each into my and Hs account 2 days before Xmas without fail- effectively paying for Xmas day.!!