To think that people who are really "hard work" about presents and cards are just the most exhausting thing ever?

[user1477391263]

Had a chat with friends last night. Every one of us experienced fallout last year from The Person Who Is Just Really Hard Work About Presents Or Cards.

We had:

The person whose mother went into a big huff because my friend sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card attached to it, but not an entire separate Christmas card as well. Because That's Not A Proper Card, I Need A Proper Card.

The person whose sister made passive aggressive remarks because her box of chocolates was presented in a fancy paper carrier bag with a rosette stuck to it, rather than fully wrapped up in the traditional way.

The person whose mum went all silent because the Christmas card was one from a box rather than an ultra special one-off Christmas card.

The person with the cousin who (when speaking to other family members later on in the year) was acidic about the fact that their kid's present (sent through the mail) arrived a little bit late.

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

The problem with these kinds of people is they never seem to be open to scaling down gift expectations, doing no-gift pacts or a family secret santa either.

It's just so... exhausting and sucks joy from the holiday season. I can't believe that having such uptight expectations of other people actually makes people happy?

YANBU

For the first decade or so of our marriage, DH bought presents/cards for his family and I did the same for mine. It was only the year that DH was busy with exams and work that I realised how exhaustingly particular MIL was. That year I offered to sort everything for Xmas to give DH a break so I arranged for MIL and her mum to come to us for Xmas day (her preference), made food that I know is her favourite, bought her something that she'd been telling us for ages that she wanted but couldn't justify buying (which was actually more expensive that we could really afford, but I wanted to be nice so spent a bit less on my family) and gave her a card a few weeks before Xmas. After they'd gone home DH got a call from his gran to say that MIL was really upset. My crimes were 1) Not giving her a separate card from DH with 'Mum' on it and another from the DC with 'Gran' on it- apparently one from the whole family was not enough, 2) Not buying at least one small present for MIL to unwrap from each of us- the present she did get was nice but she should have had something to unwrap from each member of the family (despite the DC being far to young to actually have had anything to do with the process) and c) Not dressing the DC in clothes that she had bought for them as apparently this is a family tradition!

My family are happy to have presents for DC only, grateful for whatever we send and generally don't make a drama of all of it.

I struggle buying for my sister. She always gets amazing gifts that are things you need but didn't know you need. I try to reciprocate but rarely manage it, eg foot spa when she ran loads and had sore feet, regifted to nan.

I suggested this year that we don't do gifts for each other but she then told my dad that I'm not doing gifts for adults. 😕

We have just been to buy the biggest, most cliched cards in the Supermarket.
With postage it will be the best part of ten quid for each grandchild and myself to post not give them to the parents.

My mum actually wrote me a letter after Xmas 2019 with an entire paragraph devoted to the importance of cards. Previously we'd done card from a posh box of cards but not enough apparently. And all those anniversary gifts, present delivered on cruise ships must have been my brother, golden balls, rather than lowly skint, multi tasking me.

It's all about display for my parents, they dig out old cards to each other each year. The bigger the better. With a printed relationship name on.

Actually thinking about or empathizing with your daughter is not important. So cards it is. I'll send cards to the carehome they end up in because my brother won't be stepping up to send even a box card and the evidence that my parents don't like me just grows and grows.

These people are such twunts.

Next time, buy them an empty box, wrap it nicely, Inside is a note that reads:

Nothing I give you is ever enough.

My father was like this. It is a control thing. He moaned about presents he didn't like or ignored ones he should have. I gave him one warning about 15 years ago and said "If you complain, ignore or comment anything other than thank you, then we are finished exchanging gifts." He ignored the gift then complained to my mum. He has not received a present since, and while he moaned the first year or so, he then moved onto someone else.

I send 6 Christmas cards to the people I really like. I get Christmas cards every year from people I haven't seen or spoken to for 20 years. Every year their cards arrive. I haven't sent a card to any of them for at least 18 years. Presumably they like sending them. If my husband wants to send cards to his siblings that's up to him. Its not my job. This year we are giving presents to our grandson and my brothers step daughter (14). She will get 20.00 in cash. I dont want presents . If I want something I will buy it for myself. I don't buy presents for friends and I don't want presents from them. I would much rather meet them to do something nice and Chrstmassy. If someone is a pain to buy for then either stop buying or buy something you are happy with and let them crack on with whingeing about it. They enjoy the misery, let them wallow in it. Ideally wait until next January and then say very firmly that you don't want any presents next Christmas and that you won't be buying any. Repeat every 3 months or so up to Christmas 2023. If they get presents for you after this then that's on them. They will get the message eventually.

Wouldn't it be brilliant to do this .
Maybe write a list of all the negative, bitchy comments they have made and put it in the box
" Oh um well you know I don't wear red anymore so....'
" What am I going to do with this...."
" Gosh I only like Jo Malone candles not these cheaper ones"
" I didn't know they sold gifts there, I only shop in high end shops"

I used to grit my teeth in the card shop buying fancy nice words cards for the in laws who didn't like me much
I'm too much of a people pleaser

You have to start buying her things you really want, in your size and colour!

Sounds like an overgrown child and controlling

How awful of his family to be like that

Oh god, so did my adult family members. I buy everyone a book now and that's it.

woodhill you've hit the nail on the head there! I think that until this point DH was so used to tripping up over himself to appease her that her assumed it was normal. Nowadays we avoid the drama by buying her multiple crap small presents rather than thinking too much about once nice gift, and 'special' cards but don't waste our efforts trying to do other things to make her Xmas nice. We have refused to make the DC wear clothes she bought on Xmas day though- it's strictly a 'wear what you want even if it's pyjamas' day in our house.

Good for you😀

Sounds like whatever you did it wasn't good enough

DM was a pain. Didn't like ornaments (dust collectors), toiletries (made her sneeze) flowers (too much work). One year when DC was due to be born imminently and I was really short on time, I thought I'd cracked it with a fancy box of sweet treats; biscuits, cakes, brownies etc. Nope. Because their was no hand written card from me (because internet) she thought it was a scam.

I put a lot of thought and effort into buying Christmas presents and i have to admit it pisses me off when people just buy me cheap crap I don't even need or want ( DB and SIL im looking at you!) I wouldn't even mind the cheapness if it was something i wanted to needed but its literally something they got because its going cheap and no they are not skint, far from it. To me its the thought that counts and nothing says that no thought went into the gift quite like a box of generic chocs, cheapo smellies or a bunch of flowers! I would be embarrassed to hand something like that over as a gift! Admittedly i always smile politely and thank them, then give it to the charity shop!

I really hate this. I think it socks any joy out of the whole thing. I find Xmas to essentially be one huge shopping festival with associated expense and hassle. I buy for as few people as possible now but it is still a massive pain.

This is a good point. My in laws very much value "going through the motions" so even though they don't need anything, and will probably reject what we give them, we have to ensure we buy them enough gifts to unwrap just to observe the ritual of Christmas!! I'm resigned to it now and don't get offended as I think we can't change it.

One of my relatives used to get disappointed if they got a card without a lining and a ‘nice verse’.

They insisted that cards had to be posted, too, even if they were seeing the person, it was rude just to hand them over.

🤷🏼‍♀️

Im in the opposite camp im the mum and my grown up children every year ask me what i want for christmas , and when i say i dont want or need anything (and would be happy with nothing)they insist on pushing till i come up with something

ive been boring this year asked for pjs from one and a dressing gown from the other but at 66 i have jewellery i dont wear very often perfume thats lasts me forever chocolates i buy myself have cats so flowers become play toys for them i do dinner on christmas day and it makes my day to see them at mine and any grandchildren i buy them what i know they will like and give the grandchildren money as they range from 25 to 18 weeks and hate it if someone gives me cards as i dont buy in return

Yes I've had that a few times this year!

Christmas has got a lot better since we stopped seeing whinging wankers and stopped excess presents.

My mom getting upset if I write her card with a black pen, needs to be blue apparently

I’m really enjoying this thread.

Who knew that stamps were such a flex? These people insisting on posted cards must detest this postal strike.

People are hung up on pen colour arnt they?
I don't think I notice the colours when I read the message in a card !

I've cut down on card sending this year
If anyone moans , I can blame the strikes..
I sent a few start of the month , but only three
Sent some money to charity instead