To think that people who are really "hard work" about presents and cards are just the most exhausting thing ever?

[user1477391263]

Had a chat with friends last night. Every one of us experienced fallout last year from The Person Who Is Just Really Hard Work About Presents Or Cards.

We had:

The person whose mother went into a big huff because my friend sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card attached to it, but not an entire separate Christmas card as well. Because That's Not A Proper Card, I Need A Proper Card.

The person whose sister made passive aggressive remarks because her box of chocolates was presented in a fancy paper carrier bag with a rosette stuck to it, rather than fully wrapped up in the traditional way.

The person whose mum went all silent because the Christmas card was one from a box rather than an ultra special one-off Christmas card.

The person with the cousin who (when speaking to other family members later on in the year) was acidic about the fact that their kid's present (sent through the mail) arrived a little bit late.

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

The problem with these kinds of people is they never seem to be open to scaling down gift expectations, doing no-gift pacts or a family secret santa either.

It's just so... exhausting and sucks joy from the holiday season. I can't believe that having such uptight expectations of other people actually makes people happy?

The person whose sister-in-law is just really really hard work, puts huge amounts of time and effort into "thoughtful" gifts and then makes remarks to her husband about how nobody else puts the effort in etc. etc.

She works hards buys presents for her husband's family. Is disappointed that they don't return the favor. Then the husband stirs the pot and repeats what she has told him in private?

How is she the issue?

Oh yes OP YANBU.

My hard work present givers buys sacks of things for people they don’t really need or want and then expect really expensive gifts in return. Suggestions at scaling down the gift giving is met with horror and offence.

This year I’ve bought them a charity gift. You know adopt a tree or a toucan or whatever. They will hate it probably and it’s petty of me really but I’m fed up with it all. I’d rather be warm than buy them designer clothing.

I don’t think it’s about love languages I think it’s people who are rude, entitled and ungrateful. If you feel someone isn’t putting as much thought into your gifts and it bothers you that much then just put less thought into theirs?

The only such judgement I make is of people who don't buy charity Christmas cards

Time to start buying things that future you would like to receive...

Tell me about it!!!
My DSis has 1 DD, we had 2 last year and heard no end of 'it's not fair that we buy for two and you only buy for one!' And as we have 3 this year and they still have 1, DH and I suggested that they buy a joint gift for our 3 (a game, puzzle, or toy they could all get use from) but she shot that idea down as 'ridiculous' 🤷‍♀️ I think some people just have to have something to complain about!

oh yes, we've had this one too. Ironically, from a family member who prior to having children of their own had never bought my children a gift ever!

These people sound awful. You need better friends/family.

My sister reports me to my mum if her birthday present sent by post is late. My mum then rings to complain to me.

At Christmas I'd like to not have to buy for friends and all their offspring/spouses but one friend is not just insistent, but very clear on what she doesn't like. Meanwhile, I leave her gift to us until last because it's always a re-gift and now makes us laugh. So far we've had a calendar for the year already passed, pencils inscribed with her daughters name, half used toiletry sets, a completed child's diary and numerous used toys. And no, shes not poor. In fact she's had a massive inheritance this year so I look forward to this year's effort.

@GerbilsForever24 right?! I understand that it can seem unfair for people to buy for multiple kids when they only have the one (or none) but we've always been very chilled about people not feeling obligated to buy for our children and that a card is more than enough! So them moaning about it is just annoying

Is there such a thing as a non charity Christmas card?!

My mother was a nightmare at this

when it came to my kids,she’d ‘ask’ what they wanted,so I’d say something like ‘x loves tatty teddy’
Xmas day-it would be a fake tatty teddy and if x didn’t gush about how much she loved it,we’d get the passive aggressive comments about how I was ‘dragging up spoilt kids’ and ‘I do everything for you and you can’t even like my gift you ungrateful witch’

she ruined one Christmas when my (then) 4 year old son really wanted a pink pushchair-she knew this and refused to buy him one as ‘he’s a boy!you don’t want to turn him gay!’
I ignored her,bought him one and on the day,she hit the roof as I’d ‘banned her from buying him what he wanted’
the tantrum is still ringing in my ears and he’s 17 now-jokes on her over that one-he’s straight but his brother came out 18 months ago-he was the most ‘boyish’ lad you could ever meet as a child

if it was the other way round though,she’d have the ideal and expensive gift in mind that she wanted from me (she knew I was a skint single mum) but she wouldn’t tell anyone what it was she wanted
so of course,she didn’t get the ideal and expensive gift (as i can’t read her bloody mind) and it would be all my fault
whatever I did buy her,would go into the charity bag on Boxing Day/day after birthday/mothers day and she’d be waiting on the doorstep of the charity shop the next time it opened
Then she’d have the brass neck to moan that i ‘don’t buy her anything decent’

the year I spent 5 months,flat out,to make her a cross stitch that I thought she’d love,and it went-still framed-to the charity shop was a low point as ‘I hate tigger,I only like Pooh bear’ (news to me-I’d got her the tigger as she’d spent years telling everyone she preferred tigger over Pooh)

i did laugh when she got a new car so my brother bought her two car sponges-it took the blame off me for that Christmas

I went nc and only have to deal with my mother in law,who thankfully is lovely and asks (not tells) us what she would like (this year a throw) she leaves it in my hands (because I love shopping) and will be really thankful to me and will treasure it because it’s from us

(and she loved the cross stitch I did for her one year,as I’d made it for her and it’s on show in her lounge-if anyone comments on it,she proudly tells them I made it for her)

Christmas and birthdays are much less stressful now

You just have to set your own boundaries. I haven't bought cards for years. I always donate to Crisis at Christmas instead and put a message in socials saying so. As a family we don't buy any adult presents, only gifts for our own children and my sisters foster child. It's great, you can buy yourself something lovely as a present to yourself. We all get together and that is the best bit for me.

Apart from once when I sent my DM flowers and they got left on the wrong doorstep and she could fuss around with the neighbors and me on the telephone she never ever thanked me for any presents.

She was exhausting. She liked very little and did nothing all day long. Anything thoughtful she just binned. Anything practical she just chucked in her closet. You couldn't even take her out for a meal instead because that was just expected. I just knocked it all on the head.

Wow! Yes! Ain't that the truth?

In general, not just at Christmas.

My DM was happy with anything as long as she had a bottle of Badedas. When we cleared her house we discovered that she had carefully treasured every last little homemade gift from her GC. Every little picture, every homemade card, every wobbly clay or toilet roll sculpture. Each one placed carefully in a box for each child.

My friend, on the other hand, has to send cards to her family with first class stamps as second class is disrespectful and only for paying bills. Drives her mad but she does it save the fallout.

My mum is very rarely ever enthusiastic over a gift, she just opens it and shoves it to the side, and sometimes she remembers to say thank you.
But god forbid you ask her for suggestions of what she would like because that's not the point.
She doesn't need jewellery or perfume, she doesn't like smellies or candles, and she has no hobbies apart from watching talk TV and GB news. She doesn't like clothes as gifts, doesn't enjoy going out for meals or to the cinema/theatre. she is a nightmare to buy for. Vouchers are 'thoughtless' Doesn't like household stuff so no picture frames etc. Doesn't like tech.
Every year I dread it

Yes its hard when you have alot of nieces and nephews though. Had laugh at my mam no fuss for 50 (mine) but wanted big fuss for 80. Had to laugh!

Yeesh this does sound annoying. I don't think we have anyone like this, although DH is an awkward fucker and always returns whatever we buy unless it is edible 😂

I now just get him a decentish bottle of red and some sweets and his favourite snacks. Might go wild and get him restaurant vouchers this year.

My dad buys our DCs age-inappropriate tat from amazon and we hate it, but always just say thank you and move on (and try to get rid of whatever it is)

I've stopped buying for DH because there's no point. Ungrateful git.

I should be used to it because my dad is like this.
Buy a nice tasteful but blank card - "it doesn't say mum & dad on it".
Buy an expensive gift - "why are you wasting your money".
Buy a cheap gift - "don't know why you bothered"

My DPs mum used to be like this,and DP used to stress right out about it. It didn't matter the present or card, it wouldn't be good enough

After two years of seeing this, I prepped DP for the next year. MIL opened the present, bitched about it, so DP took it off her, said "No worries, I'll just take it back then" and we chucked it in the car. MIL asked a few times over the next couple of weeks whether she was getting another present and we just said no.
Next year oddly enough MIL loved her present

@fdgdfgdfgdfg I love this !

You judge people who buy cards that don't give 5p a box to charity?

Riiiiiight

I'm so glad to be Jewish. Eight small presents for children at Hanukkah. Nowt for adults. Nobody really bothers with cards. (We manage to argue about everything else though!)

Those who have stopped giving presents to those who are difficult or ungrateful make the case for no presents to adults, but a charity donation instead.

No adult gifts given or received here. We are all delighted with that.

I must be very lucky, but even when we DID buy adult family/friends gifts there were never any problems, only grateful thanks etc.

I honestly wouldn't bother buying for anyone who is an awful recipient. Nope.