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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so narked about the vile child at toddler group

118 replies

IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 15:00

I go to a toddler group on a friday, I go with a friend and it is a lovely group. It gets me out, i get a cup of coffee and a biscuit and ds tires himself out.

there is one child who is 2 years plus and he is the most awful kid! he kicks, punches and generally runs riot with no supervision from his mom.

we were sitting in a circle today just before the end doing the singing bit and ds was crawling to me. this child ran up to him and kicked him in the face!!!!

i went ballistic, stood up with screaming ds (14 months) and shouted at this mom that her son had just kicked my son.

the boy had run to her and she just shrugged. she then bought her son over to play again and asked if ds was ok. i said yes but said that it was particulary nasty, no accident. she said "ah he is a child" at which i said yes but it was vicious. the boy then went on to try to kick another child, punched a child and generally again was allowed to get away with it.

i spoke to one of the leaders and they did have a word with her but a few moms came and asked if i was alright and commented on how awful this child is.

i am more than likely going next week i am tempted to go and tell this mom that if her son lays another finger on my son that i am making an official complaint.

i dont think he should be made to leave but surely the group have the powers to tell her to watch him more closely!!!!!

OP posts:
mumzyof2 · 01/02/2008 17:04

Ch ch ch ch charmin?

MrsMattie · 01/02/2008 17:06

Agree with Troutpout. I have a boisterous child and it is bloody hard work. It's actually a breath of fresh air when he occasionally comes and tells me somebody pushed him or whatever :-)

lljkk · 01/02/2008 17:13

If the child is so consistently behaving badly, why haven't you learnt earlier to keep a closer eye on him? We had a chronic biter at one group. I divided my time between keeping an eye on my child and eye on the biter. If the biter looked like he was getting wound up and close to aggressive, I would do whatever I needed to gently defuse the situation and prevent his aggression.
Yes the child's own mother should have done that job, but since she didn't (young, exhausted by pregnancy and later new baby), somebody else had to.
Just feels in retrospect so much more productive than ranting loudly and but actually improving nothing.

Original poster
IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 17:16

to clarify

sorry vile is a bit strong.

this is a regular occurence he is a physically aggresive 2+ yr old

his mother never intervenes and never disciplines

he continued to kick another child and punch another following on from the incident with ds

ballistic is probably strong - i stood up and said loudly " your son just kicked my son in the face"

i was upset, my son was crawling to me and this boy walked up and took a great big swing of a kick and left a mark.

i am still angry about the mothers reaction and while the child is difficult in fairness i am more annoyed with the flagrant disregard this woman has for her childs behaviour.

i have an older child i am more than aware of toddler behaviour, my near 5 year old is still prone to public tantrums but i do deal with them on the spot and discipline as i see fit but at least i do something. i also make dd apologise if she does something wrong.

as i said earlier ds was a hairpuller but i watched him like a hawk and did not sit and let him get on it while i enjoyed my tea and biscuit.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 17:18

yes i do keep an eye on him which is why i saw the incident, he was not two foot away from me but the boy ran up and it happened to quick for me to prevent it.

OP posts:
FillyjonkisCALM · 01/02/2008 17:29

oh pmsl at fenella's posts, they are fabulous . People say MN is going downhill but really, the standard of wind-ups is definately rising.

hunkermunker · 01/02/2008 17:32

I've reconsidered.

I think prison is the only way forward.

Original poster
IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 17:35

with a lid hm

OP posts:
Lulumama · 01/02/2008 17:37

indigo. i think you are right to be angry if this child hurt your child deliberately and did nothing about it. especially if it goes on week in week out

does she have any friends at the group or does she go alone?

perhaps this would be an ideal change to get to know her, and maybe get talking, and she might well ask for a bit of help or want to talk to another mother about dealing with this sort of behaviour?

or perhaps the organiser could do soemthing similar?

hunkermunker · 01/02/2008 17:37

Oh, definitely! Made of playdough. Then the child could stand in the middle and it'd look like a pie.

OrmIrian · 01/02/2008 17:42

If they do start issuing ASBOs for small children, I would like one for my youngest child please. Outrageous behaviour and his mother does nothing about it

pointydog · 01/02/2008 17:43

To be fair to indigo, I would also be mad if this happened to a child of mine. It's that instinctive maternal madness reaction. You hurt my hchild so now I ma forced to kill you. We've all had that.

The Person Who Gives Out Biscuits is the authorities in this instance, though.

OrmIrian · 01/02/2008 17:45

It's true pointy. Your blood boils for a moment. But it should only be a moment because many children are like that and the rage should only be directed at the parent not the child.

charmkin · 01/02/2008 17:48

wondering how to find out which toddler group this is without giving too much personal info away..

but the singing in the circle at the end bit is sounding v familiar
and there was a boisterous boy there..

but then

there always is wherever you go

mrsruffallo · 01/02/2008 17:56

Vile child is a bit strong.
Obviously it is upsetting if your baby is hit by an older child, especially if their are no repercussions.
I think some of the suggestions on here are laughable, though. Most two year olds go through a hitting stage and it doesn't mean they are bad children.

duchesse · 01/02/2008 17:57

I think the brat should be reported to this character. What say you?

SoupDragon · 01/02/2008 17:59

The child is fine, it's the parent that is the problem.

duchesse · 01/02/2008 18:02

My son at age 2 used to muscle in on other children's games at M&T group and try to make them do what he wanted. If they wouldn't he would pull their hair and/or scratch them. Obviously totally unacceptable behaviour, and he spent many minutes on his own on a chair in the quiet room away from the other toddlers. I think it perfectly acceptable to discipline a toddler. When do you start otherwise? Wait until they are 18?

If a behaviour is unacceptable, it is unacceptable at any age. Just more understandable the younger and less experienced a person is.

WinkyWinkola · 01/02/2008 18:27

It's really hard when such young kids are so boisterous. You could talk to him yourself and say something like, "We don't kick and we don't punch. It's not kind. We hug and we kiss. Why don't you hug X (the child he's just booted)?" The mother of the child can hardly get annoyed with you for saying that.

Escalate it to the leaders again if you don't think you're having any effect. Perhaps if they said to the mother that she can't come to the group anymore unless she does something about her child's behaviour, she would do something.

We regularly meet with a group of mums ourselves. One girl (30) months is so hostile and aggressive - she bit my DS's head the other day. It would have been funny if he hadn't been in pieces about it. The girl's mother is constantly telling her off for being so vicious but to no effect. What to do? Sometimes it seems like nothing has an effect on the toddlers - they go on their merry way regardless!

VeniVidiVetoQV · 01/02/2008 18:43

Oooh this is tough. DS is quite boisterous, but he wants to play with other children. He doesnt usually hit them......but, he can be a vicious little thing when he doesnt get his own way.

Am somewhat amused by talk of fines and toddler asbos. I'd be broke and ruined before DS made it to 16......

TotalChaos · 01/02/2008 18:50

sorry but PMSL charmkin - I thought that singing in a circle at the end and a boisterous boy were compulsory elements for ever toddler [group]

batters · 01/02/2008 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicMac · 01/02/2008 18:54

Hoswis your son after the whole incident? Does he want to go back to the toddler group? I understand you being furious but actually feel a tad sorry for the little boy who kicked- maybe he is doing it for attention? Not that this excuses his behavious but makes it more understandable. Now, should he have no TV and no story tonight????

NorthernLurker · 01/02/2008 18:59

There is a child like this - and a mother struggling with it at every group I've ever been to. Yes it's annoying when your child is hurt - or persecuted - as when your baby is followed round by a toddler who 'just wants to give her a love' (aaargh). I think the best thing to do is to intervene and distract where you can and otherwise breathe deeply. Mums and dads who are struggling need support not condemnation in my personal opinion. But I do agree that it is very annoying nonethless.

kayzr · 01/02/2008 19:13

It seems to be a recurring thing at groups. There is a toddler at the group I go to that is a bit boisterous and her mother is horrified she acts like this and does all she can to make her stop. Last week another mum had a go at her because her dd took a toy of her ds and she was so upset she walked out and doesn't want to go back. Its an unfortunate fact of life

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