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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so narked about the vile child at toddler group

118 replies

IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 15:00

I go to a toddler group on a friday, I go with a friend and it is a lovely group. It gets me out, i get a cup of coffee and a biscuit and ds tires himself out.

there is one child who is 2 years plus and he is the most awful kid! he kicks, punches and generally runs riot with no supervision from his mom.

we were sitting in a circle today just before the end doing the singing bit and ds was crawling to me. this child ran up to him and kicked him in the face!!!!

i went ballistic, stood up with screaming ds (14 months) and shouted at this mom that her son had just kicked my son.

the boy had run to her and she just shrugged. she then bought her son over to play again and asked if ds was ok. i said yes but said that it was particulary nasty, no accident. she said "ah he is a child" at which i said yes but it was vicious. the boy then went on to try to kick another child, punched a child and generally again was allowed to get away with it.

i spoke to one of the leaders and they did have a word with her but a few moms came and asked if i was alright and commented on how awful this child is.

i am more than likely going next week i am tempted to go and tell this mom that if her son lays another finger on my son that i am making an official complaint.

i dont think he should be made to leave but surely the group have the powers to tell her to watch him more closely!!!!!

OP posts:

Lulumama · 01/02/2008 15:06

lots of two year olds kick , punch and shove

what is unaccpetable is the mum not making any boundaries or trying to stop him from repeatedly hurting other children.

and i am sorry that your DS got kicked

maybe though for her this is her break and her time that she can spend a few minutes with a cup of coffee and not having to constantly discipline her son?

toddler behaviour can be really hard to deal with . you going ballistic at her publicly might well drive her away from the group anyway

princessosyth · 01/02/2008 15:09

I think vile is a little unecessary. I can sympathise with you though, I used to go to a m&t group and there was a child just like the one you describe, you couldn't take your eyes off your own child in case he was being beaten up by him. Eventually the mother was told that she had to keep a eye on her son as it was getting out of hand, it did the trick and he eventually grew out of it.

Rantmum · 01/02/2008 15:16

We had a parent like this at my mother and toddler group and she wasn't horrible - in fact she was very nice - but she was totally oblivious to what her son was up to and did not seem to recognise that her child's behaviour (especially around the younger babies) was her responsibility.

I felt bad for the child actually because in the end none of the other children would go near him so he was effectively ostracised (sp?) by the toddlers.

Is there anyway that the organisers of the toddler group can gently remind all the parents (so as not to single anyone out) that the only way it can successfully operate is if everyone keeps an eye on their own children so that none of them hurt themselves or each other?

FenellaFudge · 01/02/2008 15:17

Would it be at all feasible to get the authorities involved. I'm not advocating a custodial sentence or anything but maybe an on the spot fine??

donnie · 01/02/2008 15:18

a fine? are you for real??

FenellaFudge · 01/02/2008 15:21

This is anti-social behaviour non?

I believe the going rate is around £80 - thats gonna be one kid with a seriously dented Chupa-Chups fund.

yurt1 · 01/02/2008 15:21

PMSL at a fine.

Mixed baby/toddler groups are always hard. Perhaps the organisers could separate babies from the older ones in some way. I vaguely remember going to a few groups like that I they worked pretty well.

Fireflyfairy2 · 01/02/2008 15:21

The authorities involved... oh ffs... they're children and I think vile is a horrible word to describe a 2yr old.

yurt1 · 01/02/2008 15:22

I think most toddler behaviour is pretty anti-social.

2happy · 01/02/2008 15:25

I am sorry that the kid's mother reacted this way. ds1 was a hitter - thankfully he only rarely hits now, can't remember the last time actually (though he did bite his cousin a month ago ). It was a very distressing phase, I hated it, and the thought that other people would think that he was 'vile' and that it was my fault for not bringing him up properly etc, made it worse. In fact, it is just normal toddler behaviour, some do it more than others, and you can read all the parenting books in the world and you still have to wait for the phase to be over. But the thing that was wrong here is the mother's reaction. I was mortified every time ds1 hit anyone (to be fair, he hit me more than he ever hit anyone else). I might not have reacted fantastically if a mother had "gone ballistic" at me, but I'm quite sure I would have felt awful if my son had kicked another child in the face and I would have apologised, and probably taken ds1 home (and probably never dared show my face there again...). Has anyone tried offering her help in dealing with his behaviour, or talking constructively to her about it?

hunkermunker · 01/02/2008 15:42

I can't post anything helpful here.

I can pmsl at a fine though.

bubblagirl · 01/02/2008 15:44

i think her behaviour was unacceptable but at 14 mths my angelic child was hit by another child and i was livid of course

at 2 yrs old my child became the hitter and i had to give him consequences

i dont think calling the child vile or awful is very nice understandably its upsetting your child being on recieving end

but it could also be your child doing that one day and would not want your child being labelled as that

all child from 2 onwards act ouit like this at times its how the parents manage it so dont vent your anger at the little boy as tjhat is what he is not some teenage hooligan

vent your anger at the mum for not dealing with it appropriatly as her actions will be what determins how he will behave

hope your ds is ok though its not nice but you will experience your child doing this at some point thats not nice either but at least you will know how to deal with it correctly

sb6699 · 01/02/2008 15:46

Unfortunately it is normal behaviour for a toddler.

YABU at describing the child vile.

YANBU to expect his mother to at least try and discipline him.

However, maybe she is at her wits end, has tried everything she can think of and just genuinely doesn't know what to do.

Agree with 2happy - has anyone tried to speak to her about her ds' behaviour. If nobody at the group knows her well enough, the group organiser should talk to her about it.

scottishmummy · 01/02/2008 15:52

A fine - how exactly is that going to be enforceable.What next toddler ASBO

PanicPants · 01/02/2008 15:53

I think YABVU to call any child vile, and also unreasonable at going 'ballistic' (after all, YOU are an adult, not a toddler, and not setting a good example for ALL the children there)

However, perhaps a quiet word with the mother might be more productive, she does need to be responsible for her child. My ds is a hitter, pusher etc, and he is given a quiet warning, with lots of attention for the child he has hurt, and then if he does it a second time, we leave.

I can imagine exactly how she is feeling right now.

stripeytiger · 01/02/2008 15:53

Can understand that you feel hacked off about what happened. Surely a quiet word to the mother of the child involved by the toddler group organiser would suffice.

I agree this sort of thing happens a lot with toddlers, I think the mother's attitude to the incident was too laid back, she may well be having a break and a cup of coffee but her child is still her responsibility. If it had been one of mine, they would have been reprimanded, taken home and shown that there is a consequence to that sort of behaviour.

Hope you get the problem sorted as you clearly enjoy going to the group.

pointydog · 01/02/2008 15:56

how's about the fine is, no biscuit with your juice?

Original poster

IndigoMoon · 01/02/2008 15:56

actualy i do see that vile is a bit strong.

of course i accept it is toddler behaviour but he is shown no consequence and she did not even apologise. ds went through a stage of pulling hair but i watched him like a hawk and apologised if he did it before i could stop him.

she has been spoken to by other moms before but it does shock me that she lets him get on with it and does not even watch him in the hall.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 01/02/2008 15:57

indigo. do you have a toddler? i don;t want to sound patronising, but before i had children, and then when i just had a sweet little baby, i was of the opinion that that sort of behaviour was simply the parent's fault and no child of mine would ever behave like that

DS didn't

DD did

i took her away from toddler group for a while as her behaviour was terrible, and i was so embarrased. also, i was spending more time out of the room to give her quiet time and asking her to spend sorry to other children.

when i returned to the group, the organiser was so mortified that i had felt i;d had to leave

her response, she is a child, that is what they do!

if another mother would have bollocked me in front of everyone i would have been devastated

LadyVictorianSqualor · 01/02/2008 15:57

A friend of mine and I were in the school playground the other day when her son pushed another child over in the playground, all the younger siblings around 2-3 play near a tree that ahs steps, so this little girl fell down two steps and hurt herself.
We saw what happened and my friend ran over grabbed her son and told him off, before asking the parent if the little girl was alright, I feel sorry for the little girl, of course, but I imagine the mother was fuming, thing is my friend was also fuming and extremely embarrassed, but there isn't really much she could do except ask how the otehr child was and apologise.
Maybe this mother was embarrassed and had no idea how to handle it? She needs help with dealing with an aggressive child, not complained about.

FenellaFudge · 01/02/2008 15:58

By scottishmummy on Fri 01-Feb-08 15:52:22
A fine - how exactly is that going to be enforceable.What next toddler ASBO

Well, I think we, as a society, would need to foster an attitude of social conscience whereby parents would feel compelled to notify the authorities of their toddlers instances of aggression.

Lulumama · 01/02/2008 15:58

mabye she doesn;t feel confident about discipling her child in a group setting? not that that is ok, a child who is hurting other chidlren needs to be shown boundaries in a gentle fashion

duchesse · 01/02/2008 16:00

I've an inkling you could be right Lulumama- maybe she smacks him normally, or shouts, and does not want to show herself up by doing these things in public. In which case some positive discipline training would be far more appropriate.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 01/02/2008 16:01

Exactly Lulumam, my friend said had she been at home she had techniques to deal with her DS's behaviour, but in the school playground she couldnt very well time out him or take away toys etc.
Instead she took him over to where we were sitting and sat him on her lap refusing to either let him go play or to speak to him, to some it may have looked like she was hugging him after he hurt someone, but I can assure you he kenw he had been naughty and she was Not Happy!

hunkermunker · 01/02/2008 16:04

"Well, I think we, as a society, would need to foster an attitude of social conscience whereby parents would feel compelled to notify the authorities of their toddlers instances of aggression."

Which authorities?

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