Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive a colleague to work everyday

127 replies

MWT · 07/12/2022 17:12

Firstly, I am autistic and routine is key for me in the morning. I also have an autistic child who will also be in the car and my eldest child.

A colleague approached me today asking if I could give them a lift in the morning to work. I said "okay but it will be early". Told her the time I could get her by.

I will be going slightly out of my way in order to pick them up and there is generally more traffic on the route too. It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car. I don't mind picking my colleague up occasionally however I am really going to struggle to do it every day. They are also notorious for running late - something that will cause stress for me as I have a lot of things to do each morning.

I have been given lifts by other people within the work place however these have been reciprocated where necessary.

AIBU to not pick my colleague up every day?

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 07/12/2022 23:20

Maybe your ds gets travel too, so unfortunately he can’t sit in the back either.

Even if she is difficult, she’s not going to kick up a fuss in the middle of the road when you pull up with your ds in his normal seat and cheerfully tell her to jump in the back until your ds gets to school.

DixonD · 07/12/2022 23:53

Just stick her in the back. If that’s that much of a problem for her she won’t ask again.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/12/2022 15:35

She can sit in the back and switch when your child jumps out in his/her usual spot at school.
You can pick her up at X spot on your normal route but will need to keep going if she’s not there.

if she wants a lift badly enough none of this will be an issue. You are not being unreasonable.

Fuckitsstillraining · 08/12/2022 15:39

Tell your colleague you'll by pasing x spot at whatever time you'd normally be there and offer to stop for them, don't move your children around, pull up to your colleague and let them get in the back seat, if this doesn't suit unfortunately you can't help. If they aren't there you keep going. I bet they make their own way to work when things aren't being made easy and comfy for them.

poefaced · 08/12/2022 15:42

Definitely say no to future lifts. Nip it in the bud now so you’re not stressing over it over Xmas.

TheCatterall · 08/12/2022 16:11

@MWT how did you get on. And do you need help phrasing a response to further lift requests. Hint: ‘That doesn’t work for me’

2bazookas · 08/12/2022 16:37

Don't vary your route. Colleague has to get themself to a pick-up point on your usual route; they must sit in the backseat that suits you and DC and they MUST be on time. Because you won't wait.

Send a message

"I transport my DC to school; she has autism and requires a very regular fixed routine for school drop-off in the mornings. We always follow the same route. She always sits in the same seat in the car, is dropped off at the same spot, and can't be late. Variation would cause upset which must be avoided at the start of school day. We are very pressed for time in the morning so I'm afraid we can't detour to collect you.

Will you be able to fit in as follows?

Make your own way to pick up point x and be there for <exact time>
If you are late, we won't wait.
Please always sit in the back seat on the < R/L> side.

Please confirm."

      You're sending a firm polite message that  you won't  let colleague's   CF   request get in the way of your family's start to the day and their special needs.
Honeymonster3 · 08/12/2022 21:24

I've been in this situation myself unfortunately because I am such a people pleaser I often helped colleagues out when I could see they had no lift. For 5yrs I drove out of my way multiple times a week picking up and dropping off and it got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. I never asked for petrol money and was never given any despite actively going 5miles out of my way for many years I just made an excuse about childcare issue one day and stuck to my guns. It was hard saying no because I've been giving loads of people lifts for years but I realised I am being used and it's not right for me so had to stop it. Now I don't have to leave any earlier or get home later, my kids get to see me that little bit extra and I'm not out of pocket especially the price of fuel these days so win win now. I felt guilty for a long time but I had to remind myself it's not my responsibility to get that colleague to work especially as they're older than myself

Original poster
MWT · 09/12/2022 07:42

I have said I won't be able to do it again as our timings vary too much and it stresses me out too much if I'm having to go to collect someone as well. Thankfully they mentioned about getting the bus and I suggested a long term bus pass.

It sounds selfish but I don't want to find a solution that would work for them so that they can come into the car and by the time they get to a possible meeting point, they may as well walk to work.

Thanks everyone ☺️

OP posts:
imaginationhasfailedme · 09/12/2022 13:36

MWT · 09/12/2022 07:42

I have said I won't be able to do it again as our timings vary too much and it stresses me out too much if I'm having to go to collect someone as well. Thankfully they mentioned about getting the bus and I suggested a long term bus pass.

It sounds selfish but I don't want to find a solution that would work for them so that they can come into the car and by the time they get to a possible meeting point, they may as well walk to work.

Thanks everyone ☺️

It sounds selfish but I don't want to find a solution that would work for them

That doesn't sound selfish in the slightest. It's not your job to find them a solution, it's theirs. It's 100% not yours to fix.

Well done on saying no. Cheeky people always find a way to get to where they needed to be, they're just trying to get others to do it for them! Again, well done 😀

Original poster
MWT · 11/12/2022 14:46

Guess what arrived this morning 🙃 a text message asking if I could take them each morning "seeing as I'm going that way anyway".

Saw it come up on Facebook and a couple said not sure where it said about it being every day. I know what the person is like, and it happened!

OP posts:
Testina · 11/12/2022 14:48

“Saw it come up on Facebook and a couple said not sure where it said about it being every day”

What does this mean?

Crunchymum · 11/12/2022 14:51

MWT · 11/12/2022 14:46

Guess what arrived this morning 🙃 a text message asking if I could take them each morning "seeing as I'm going that way anyway".

Saw it come up on Facebook and a couple said not sure where it said about it being every day. I know what the person is like, and it happened!

No sorry, can't commit to that because of the kids.

Job done!

Overthebow · 11/12/2022 14:53

MWT · 11/12/2022 14:46

Guess what arrived this morning 🙃 a text message asking if I could take them each morning "seeing as I'm going that way anyway".

Saw it come up on Facebook and a couple said not sure where it said about it being every day. I know what the person is like, and it happened!

Just say no as you aren’t sure of the times each morning in advance.

Original poster
MWT · 11/12/2022 14:55

I've already said that it isn't possible and it isn't my usual route either.

OP posts:
XanaduKira · 11/12/2022 14:58

Well done for saying no. Just keep saying it doesn't work for you and leave it at that. Don't get into a longer discussion or feel the need to further justify it.

SeemsSoUnfair · 11/12/2022 15:09

Just text back a repeat what you said to them - sorry, as I said before, I have too much going on with the kids to take on anymore commitment - and keep repeating it until they get it.

Sunnydays0101 · 11/12/2022 15:25

If you feel you need to give her a regular lift - tell her where it suits YOU to pick her up, it’s up to her to be where it suits you, not for you to pick her up where it suits her.

MeridianB · 11/12/2022 15:28

Just reiterate that it doesn’t work for you - you don’t need to get into details. Say you did a one off favour but that’s it. Please don’t be railroaded. This person clearly has no embarrassment about being pushy, so you owe them nothing!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/12/2022 15:37

Another vote here for avoiding details when you say no - the type who expect so much tend to regard them as challenges to be overcome, so all they get you is more angst

Itwasntevenblackpudding · 11/12/2022 15:41

You saw it come up on FB?

Do you mean on your page?

Who are the couple who said "not sure..." Is she asking other people?

Your post really doesn't make any sense. You've already said that you have told her no. Have you?

Crunchymum · 11/12/2022 15:42

MWT · 11/12/2022 14:55

I've already said that it isn't possible and it isn't my usual route either.

Well surely it's all sorted then?

Shinyandnew1 · 11/12/2022 16:00

What did you reply?

What does the bit about seeing it come up on Facebook and the couple mean?

Original poster
MWT · 11/12/2022 16:23

Definitely all sorted! Immediately ignored with no reply to my message. I just said "I'm really sorry but I won't be able to, I can't commit to a time and it isn't my usual route that I take".

The post was shared on Facebook and a couple of people said they don't see where it said about the person wanting it every day. However as I know the person, I knew it was coming!

OP posts:
Itwasntevenblackpudding · 11/12/2022 16:37

@MWT

I still don't get the FB part.

Where did she post? Were you tagged directly or was she making a general request?