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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive a colleague to work everyday

127 replies

MWT · 07/12/2022 17:12

Firstly, I am autistic and routine is key for me in the morning. I also have an autistic child who will also be in the car and my eldest child.

A colleague approached me today asking if I could give them a lift in the morning to work. I said "okay but it will be early". Told her the time I could get her by.

I will be going slightly out of my way in order to pick them up and there is generally more traffic on the route too. It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car. I don't mind picking my colleague up occasionally however I am really going to struggle to do it every day. They are also notorious for running late - something that will cause stress for me as I have a lot of things to do each morning.

I have been given lifts by other people within the work place however these have been reciprocated where necessary.

AIBU to not pick my colleague up every day?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 07/12/2022 17:38

The colleague definitely wouldn't want to sit in the back!
Tough shit basically.
Sit your child in the front and don't move them - yoh have a reason for this.

But if you don't want to give lifts, as a one off or on a regular basis, then don't.

theonlygirl · 07/12/2022 17:40

only gonna repeat what's others have already said. As a one off, if she has an issue,sure, but a regular thing, no way. the school run is bad enough without throwing some random into the mix every morning. And if it's a one off and you do it, maybe you could get your kids to sing along to the radio at the top of their voices the entire journey. That should prevent further requests😏

BiddyPop · 07/12/2022 17:44

You just need to be clear that you are happy to help in an emergency, but you have other people already relying on you so you can't commit to giving her a lift on a regular basis.

SinnerBoy · 07/12/2022 17:45

I agree with most here, a one off seems OK as a friendly favour, but if she expects it to be a daily thing, she's out of order. If she's late, don't wait for her and make you and your kids late, in any case.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/12/2022 17:52

Just say, it doesn’t suit me with dc and school drop offs, and change the subject. Don’t engage with this again, and don’t offer to give a lift just once, as you’ll be stuck doing it

declutteringmymind · 07/12/2022 17:52

Say no. If you can't say no make her sit in the back.

Perfect28 · 07/12/2022 17:52

I had the same situation, I just said no- sorry. Mornings are stressful enough with nursery runs etc to factor in someone else too.

SerenaTee · 07/12/2022 17:53

If she asks again just say “sorry, I don’t mind helping in an absolute emergency but my mornings are already a rush getting the kids to school and me to work so I can’t add in any more commitments ”. Have your excuse ready and practiced so you don’t get flustered.

JodiePants · 07/12/2022 17:53

100% stick her in the back. If she don't want to sit in the back, she can take the bus.

Firawla · 07/12/2022 17:54

There’s no way I would do that, you already have your hands full with your own morning routine and drop offs so nope - just tell them, “no I’m busy with my kids so obviously that won’t suit every day. I was happy to do it as a one off to help you out but can’t commit to that long term so you will have to sort your self out” it’s fair enough

Glenthebattleostrich · 07/12/2022 17:59

As a non driver YANBU. I live close to 4 of my colleagues but choose to not ask them for lifts. I am an adult and chose where to work so it is my responsibility to get there and back.

FlissyPaps · 07/12/2022 18:01

Your children are your priority OP! Just because your colleague doesn’t drive, doesn’t mean it’s your problem!

I think they’re a cheeky fucker for asking in the first place. Especially if they know you have children and do the school run.

Definitely make it clear you will only be doing it this once. If they need a lift everyday they will need to learn to drive or contact HR to enquire about any company car share programmes.

momtoboys · 07/12/2022 18:05

Of course, YANBU to not want to bring them to work but I also wouldn't use the excuse "It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car."

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2022 18:13

Put her in the back, less chance of her asking again.

Honestly, you do this for safety so keep doing it.

Sonyrecording · 07/12/2022 18:14

Don't go into any reasons why not. A simple, "sorry, that won't work for me" is all you need to say. If pushed again no details "My mornings are busy, I simply don't have time so please don't ask me again".

Greenfinch7 · 07/12/2022 18:14

I would do it if she could meet you at a place you are already going, be there before you (you won't wait even 1 minute) and sit in whatever seat is convenient for you

Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 18:15

momtoboys · 07/12/2022 18:05

Of course, YANBU to not want to bring them to work but I also wouldn't use the excuse "It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car."

It isn't an excuse. It is a genuine reason and my child definitely won't be happy to have to work further every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 18:17

Thanks everyone. I just makes me nervous as I am very much a people pleaser and I was struggling to get beyond the "I am probably being a bit selfish". It is a hassle and I don't mind on this one occasion. There will be other days where we will be earlier or later, so I couldn't commit to a specific time each day either.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2022 18:18

I think the 'socially acceptable norm' would be to say yes to a one-off but if asked to do it every day to say 'sorry, mornings are very fraught I'm afraid and I don't think we can cope with another element, especially DD who is autistic'.

It would also be completely fine to say 'especially me and DD who are autistic' but not sure where you stand with talking to her or colleagues about it.

TBH if she already knows she's a bit of a twat for asking at all.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2022 18:19

Why can't your child sit in the rear seat behind the passenger seat?

I really don't blame you for not wanting to give a lift. You must feel like you've done a day's work by the time you get to work.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/12/2022 18:19

Just treat it as a one off. If they say "See you tomorrow" or anything else indicating they want it to be ongoing, just look very surprised and say "Oh, there must be some misunderstanding. Today was a special favour. I won't be able to do this on a regular basis". If they argue or entreat, just keep repeating it. Remember, never JADE (justify, apologize/argue, defend, or explain).

MelchiorsMistress · 07/12/2022 18:19

Dont change anything you don’t have to in order to facilitate this lift, even once. It’s nice that you’re going out of your way to do her a favour, but there’s no need to put your dd in the back seat.

When you arrive to collect your colleague, just tell her to jump in the back and ask her to swop after you’ve let your dad out safely, in the normal place.

It will either make no difference to her and she will still be just as thankful for your help, or she’ll realise it’s not really convenient for you to give lifts regularly.

amicissimma · 07/12/2022 18:20

If she's not ready when you arrive to pick her up, just say 'Sorry, I have to go right now or my child/ren will be late for school. See you at work.' and drive off. Put your child in the front. If your colleague asks to swap just say 'No, of course not. I need him/her to be in that seat.' If she won't sit in the back a cheery 'OK. See you at work' and drive off.

Under no circumstances fear you are being rude. You are doing her a favour. As you already have commitments, the favour must be on your terms or not at all.

And if she asks about the next day, just say 'Oh no. Today was quite enough re-organising for me. I can't manage again.'

WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2022 18:20

Sorry, meant also to say that you absolutely don't have to follow the SAN and can just say 'really sorry, routines are very important to DD/me and this will be too much' or if you don't want to go into details 'sorry, things are very chaotic in the mornings and this will be the straw that breaks the camels back'.

Creatingusernamesismygame · 07/12/2022 18:21

Bonjovispyjamas · 07/12/2022 17:15

Once you start, it's often hard to get out of, I'd say no now.

This.