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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive a colleague to work everyday

127 replies

MWT · 07/12/2022 17:12

Firstly, I am autistic and routine is key for me in the morning. I also have an autistic child who will also be in the car and my eldest child.

A colleague approached me today asking if I could give them a lift in the morning to work. I said "okay but it will be early". Told her the time I could get her by.

I will be going slightly out of my way in order to pick them up and there is generally more traffic on the route too. It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car. I don't mind picking my colleague up occasionally however I am really going to struggle to do it every day. They are also notorious for running late - something that will cause stress for me as I have a lot of things to do each morning.

I have been given lifts by other people within the work place however these have been reciprocated where necessary.

AIBU to not pick my colleague up every day?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/12/2022 18:52

Most people would find this an extra level morning stress, but you have several really good reasons not to do it. For the sake your stress levels, I’d recommend telling them you’re not able to help.

Excusemegreentea · 07/12/2022 18:52

Honestly I would do it as a one off only. School runs are stressful times and also can be nice times for you and your children to enjoy together.

I would say I am able to collect you as a one off but it doesn’t work for us as a family as a regular thing. And stick to it . And I say this as a reformed people-pleaser.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 18:54

I must be daft and just not understanding this. Lets say your son will be getting out of the car on the driver side when he would normally get out on the passenger side. He would be upset at having to walk an additional 6 or so steps to school?

She drops him off in a lay by with busy traffic passing - so presumably a dual carriageway or similar - and doesn't want him getting out on the traffic side. So, she could drop him somewhere safer, without busy traffic, but it'd mean him having to walk further as she'd have to drop him further away.

momtoboys · 07/12/2022 18:56

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 18:54

I must be daft and just not understanding this. Lets say your son will be getting out of the car on the driver side when he would normally get out on the passenger side. He would be upset at having to walk an additional 6 or so steps to school?

She drops him off in a lay by with busy traffic passing - so presumably a dual carriageway or similar - and doesn't want him getting out on the traffic side. So, she could drop him somewhere safer, without busy traffic, but it'd mean him having to walk further as she'd have to drop him further away.

Now that explanation I understand. Thank you.

Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 19:00

I already have a child in the back and it is not as simple as just moving them to the other side of the car.

If my eldest is in the back I would be going to a different drop off place which would be safer to let them out, which* *is further away (closer to my place of work than originally drop off place) and therefore further to walk in the morning. Currently I can pull into a lay-by car park and they go straight onto the path. Definitely not making a molehill out of this part.

There is no emergency for the colleague. They'll be at work very early with this lift. It is purely due to not wanting to walk in the cold.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/12/2022 19:03

If you do a one off or occasional lift, for a start I’d tell her that she must be ready - you can’t wait.

ditalini · 07/12/2022 19:04

Colleague sits in back until older child gets out and can move into front at that stage if wanted. This is completely socially acceptable to expect of colleague.

But if it makes you feel anxious then definitely say no to repeat lifts based on it not working for you.

ICanHideButICantRun · 07/12/2022 19:07

Why not write a message to the woman saying, "Mornings are a nightmare for me - we're in a routine so if you're late I'm afraid I will have to go without you. My son will have to sit in the front otherwise I can't drop him off at the right place, so you'll have to sit in the back of my (tell her the make of your car) until he's dropped off at school. I'll see you at X time and X place."

Blanketpolicy · 07/12/2022 19:08

Just tell them with the kids it is already too stressful in the mornings and sorry you can't commit to it.

If you do fold (please don't!), then of course they can sit in the back and they can do it happily or piss right off. They can also walk to be picked up in a place convenient to you driving past and if they are not there you won't wait and will leave without them. Also make sure you agree up front how much they will reimburse you for the journey. There are car share apps online that make suggestions on fair compensation.

Judgyjudgy · 07/12/2022 19:08

Just say no unless they're offering you petrol money or something to make it worth it. It sounds like a hassle anyway so it's fair enough you don't want to do it

Luluthecat · 07/12/2022 19:14

Autistic family, I have always refused liftshares have had parents plead but it would upset my DS too much and add stress to an already very stressful morning routine to me. Having your ASD in the right frame of mind going into school is so important. Any more stress as a parent is not what you need. One off only and just say it doesn’t work for your family. I would message them now and the. You don’t have to worry about it. Make a decision and move on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2022 19:15

Could you say that you’ll drive past a pickup spot at 8 and if she’s there waiting you’ll pick her up. Means you won’t be delayed and she will need to be on time to get a lift

That's actually a pretty good idea, and if she still baulks (Why doesn't she want to walk in the cold? It's not Siberia ...) it may well confirm that OP has a pisstaker on her hands

Ringneck · 07/12/2022 19:21

Not another of these threads. I'm not one of the 'no is a complete sentence' people, who must be a real joy to live with, but I do think you can say no without a reason. Just word it nicely, eg sorry I won't be able to take you on a regular basis as it's too difficult for me, only on rare occasions when you're really in a pickle. That's all it you need to do.

amonsteronthehill · 07/12/2022 19:38

Just say no. Fib and say it's upsetting your child, driving 1:1 with your child is a rare quiet time to talk to them about various things, so it doesn't work for you.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/12/2022 19:40

OP I still don't understand why your son cannot sit on the passenger side in either the rear seats or the front. He sits where he needs to sit, he doesn't move for your colleague. Your colleague will sit wherever she is told and be picked up whenever she is told. But if you cannot do it, you cannot do it. I wouldn't.

Testina · 07/12/2022 19:42

“The colleague definitely wouldn't want to sit in the back! So I would stop off at a safer place for my child however it is further for my child to walk.”

Notwithstanding that you should just say no…

This is crackers! I get that you can’t just swap the seating positions of the child currently in the back - not simple with autism. But why the hell would you do that to your child instead of just putting the work colleague in the back?!

Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 20:06

fruitbrewhaha · 07/12/2022 19:40

OP I still don't understand why your son cannot sit on the passenger side in either the rear seats or the front. He sits where he needs to sit, he doesn't move for your colleague. Your colleague will sit wherever she is told and be picked up whenever she is told. But if you cannot do it, you cannot do it. I wouldn't.

My eldest cannot sit in the back on the passenger side because my other (autistic( child sits there. In a car seat.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/12/2022 20:08

So without colleague there is an open position in the back seat, you tell colleague to sit in that open back seat. Then when child departs, they either move to the front or remain in the back.

Honestly, just do it this once because I think you have already agreed and then say no to future requests.

Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 20:09

Testina · 07/12/2022 19:42

“The colleague definitely wouldn't want to sit in the back! So I would stop off at a safer place for my child however it is further for my child to walk.”

Notwithstanding that you should just say no…

This is crackers! I get that you can’t just swap the seating positions of the child currently in the back - not simple with autism. But why the hell would you do that to your child instead of just putting the work colleague in the back?!

The work colleague can be quite difficult, has also previously mentioned travel sickness travelling in the back. This is partly why this can only be a one off because my eldest shouldn't have to move.

OP posts:
Testina · 07/12/2022 20:22

“This is partly why this can only be a one off because my eldest shouldn't have to move.”

Well I’m glad to see your turnaround because before you were posting about how they would have to move!

Stick to your no.

Original poster
MWT · 07/12/2022 20:38

Well it was more of a "he would have to move however he shouldn't have to" 😂

OP posts:
honeylulu · 07/12/2022 20:55

Oh the travel sickness is a perfect reason! She will have to go in the back because of the kids but if that makes her sick then it won't work for her - feeling ill - or you - risking a vommy car. Eurgh!

LimeCheesecake · 07/12/2022 20:58

I think it works to do it as a one off tomorrow - then say for future requests that you’ll have to say no as it doesn’t work with your childrens morning routine - and of course they know how important it is to stick to a routine that works when dcs are autistic.

don’t get into the front seat / back seat / drop off location issues - if you discuss problems it invites them to offer solutions. It doesn’t work.

FlissyPaps · 07/12/2022 21:19

First off they’re a CF for asking in the first place.

Secondly, they’re an even bigger CF for trying to dictate where they should sit because of “travel sickness”.

God I hate people. You have more patience than me OP😂

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2022 23:02

Travel sickness! If she had travel sickness when she's travelling in the car, surely she prefer to walk.

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