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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive a colleague to work everyday

127 replies

MWT · 07/12/2022 17:12

Firstly, I am autistic and routine is key for me in the morning. I also have an autistic child who will also be in the car and my eldest child.

A colleague approached me today asking if I could give them a lift in the morning to work. I said "okay but it will be early". Told her the time I could get her by.

I will be going slightly out of my way in order to pick them up and there is generally more traffic on the route too. It also means my eldest needs to be sat in the back and dropped off further away from their school than usual due to being sat on the opposite side of the car. I don't mind picking my colleague up occasionally however I am really going to struggle to do it every day. They are also notorious for running late - something that will cause stress for me as I have a lot of things to do each morning.

I have been given lifts by other people within the work place however these have been reciprocated where necessary.

AIBU to not pick my colleague up every day?

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:22

once this boa constrictor is wrapped around you they will just keep squeezing until they can consume you

Creatingusernamesismygame · 07/12/2022 18:22

amicissimma · 07/12/2022 18:20

If she's not ready when you arrive to pick her up, just say 'Sorry, I have to go right now or my child/ren will be late for school. See you at work.' and drive off. Put your child in the front. If your colleague asks to swap just say 'No, of course not. I need him/her to be in that seat.' If she won't sit in the back a cheery 'OK. See you at work' and drive off.

Under no circumstances fear you are being rude. You are doing her a favour. As you already have commitments, the favour must be on your terms or not at all.

And if she asks about the next day, just say 'Oh no. Today was quite enough re-organising for me. I can't manage again.'

Love this advice. I struggle saying not too. Going to keep that in mind 💐

HelloBunny · 07/12/2022 18:24

How were they getting to work before? Is them being late the norm? They need to sort out their own journey to work.

Isntitakward · 07/12/2022 18:24

I wouldn’t. What’s that about? I mean… helping a person in emergency situation is fine, but agree to it every day is a big obligation and I wouldn’t do it

U1sce · 07/12/2022 18:24

If they want the lift then they join you on your normal route, you dont go out of your way to pick them up. Also, if theyre not there when you arrive then you dont wait for then, even if they ring or text to say theyll be 5/10 mins etc...

Tbh I wouldnt want to be tied in at all, so Id say now that it isnt going to work

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 18:25

If your child is already in the front there's no awkwardness about making the colleague sit in the back. First come, first served.

Don't inconvenience your child if you can avoid it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2022 18:27

They haven't asked for it every day yet however they don't have a car so I can see this being a regular request with the colder mornings

Her lack of a car isn't your problem; it's nice to help out once in a while, but if she asks for more just use "That won't work for me"

No explanations/excuses needed, but if she's rude enough to push for them, "We've got private family stuff going on" would probably shut her down

momtoboys · 07/12/2022 18:29

MWT · 07/12/2022 18:15

It isn't an excuse. It is a genuine reason and my child definitely won't be happy to have to work further every day.

Show quote history

I must be daft and just not understanding this. Lets say your son will be getting out of the car on the driver side when he would normally get out on the passenger side. He would be upset at having to walk an additional 6 or so steps to school?

Aprilx · 07/12/2022 18:30

MWT · 07/12/2022 18:15

It isn't an excuse. It is a genuine reason and my child definitely won't be happy to have to work further every day.

Show quote history

It just doesn’t make sense, your child could sit behind the passenger seat and getting out of the same car from a different seat really doesn’t mean “further to walk”. You don’t need an excuse or an explanation anyway, it doesn’t work for you that is all they need to know.

MelchiorsMistress · 07/12/2022 18:31

WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2022 18:18

I think the 'socially acceptable norm' would be to say yes to a one-off but if asked to do it every day to say 'sorry, mornings are very fraught I'm afraid and I don't think we can cope with another element, especially DD who is autistic'.

It would also be completely fine to say 'especially me and DD who are autistic' but not sure where you stand with talking to her or colleagues about it.

TBH if she already knows she's a bit of a twat for asking at all.

I’m not sure I’m comfortable with your emphasis on disclosing the autism, either OP’s or her dd’s, as a means of saying no in the same post that starts by advising what is a socially acceptable norm.

Neither OPs or her dds autism are the only valid reason why giving a regular lift would be inconvenient for them. Even if it were the only reason the OP wouldn’t be obliged to tell the colleague that her dd has autism. They’d have exactly the same right to not want to do it if they were both NT.

There is no socially acceptable norm about disclosing a personal diagnosis. It is always entirely up to the individual (except professional/medical reasons obvs).

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 07/12/2022 18:33

You shouldn’t have to give a colleague a lift into work every day if you don’t want to.

Years ago I was offered a lift everyday for a year, arranged with HR, only because it’d have been hard for me to get to work and I couldn’t drive then. If the lift wasn’t offered due to holiday etc or it was when she worked late I made my own way home. I gave her money for petrol but this was refused so I just got a huge box of chocolates at Christmas and chocolates and flowers when the arrangement ended.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2022 18:33

It would have been better to say yes but you need to be at my house by X o'clock.

But since you've already told them you'll fetch them, you need to stick to your routine.
So they sit in the back! You drop your child off as normal.

And you would be best off telling them you will text them when you set off to pick them up and they need to be waiting outside their house for you because you have a tight schedule and if they aren't waiting outside, you will just carry on driving.

happinessischocolate · 07/12/2022 18:33

Just say sorry but with having to do the school run too it's not something I can do regularly.

It's one thing to give a colleague a lift when you're picking them up on the way you normally go AND it's only you in the car, it's totally unreasonable for someone to expect you to fit them in on top of doing a school run.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 07/12/2022 18:35

Why can’t your child sit on another side in the back? Or scoot along the seat?

you might not want to do it but you’re making a massive mountain out of a molehill about your child in the back!

BlueLabel · 07/12/2022 18:36

Suspect there's a baby /child seat behind the passenger one? And the normal drop off is pavement side for busy traffic, with no other places to safely pull in/park so the eldest isn't opening the door into the road? That's how I read it

Luana1 · 07/12/2022 18:37

It's fine to say it's a one off, and don't move your child into the back, your colleague can sit there.I never understand posters on mumsnet who seem happy to put their children out to accommodate random people 🤷‍♀️

Knittedfairies · 07/12/2022 18:38

If the colleague wants a lift they'll have to sit where you put them. In the back. There's no reason you, or your child, should be inconvenienced any more than necessary. If they don't like sitting in the back... tough.

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 18:40

Please put them in the back! You’re doing them a favour, you don’t need to go any more out of your way than you are.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/12/2022 18:42

Lcb123 · 07/12/2022 17:17

its fine to say no. Has she said a specific reason for tomorrow? If she has, for example, for own car is in the garage then maybe it’s nice if you can help - but say to her that you cannot do regular lifts

This

CourtneeLuv · 07/12/2022 18:42

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2022 18:19

Why can't your child sit in the rear seat behind the passenger seat?

I really don't blame you for not wanting to give a lift. You must feel like you've done a day's work by the time you get to work.

I assumed the other kid is sitting there, it sounds like there are 2 in the op, one with autism and one without.

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:43

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 18:40

Please put them in the back! You’re doing them a favour, you don’t need to go any more out of your way than you are.

that's the thing, the person is dictating terms at the early stages, they think you are a free taxi OP!!

XmasElf10 · 07/12/2022 18:46

I am also autistic and if I agreed to something that made my routine uncertain I would quickly come to find it made me anxious which would drive me to resentment and anger. I don’t express myself well once I’m anxious and I would eventually make bad excuses, offend my colleague and probably need to leave my job to avoid the stress of dealing with a bad and stressful situation. I know this so id say no upfront.

SafariRushHour · 07/12/2022 18:49

child walking is a positive thing. Could you say that you’ll drive past a pickup spot at 8 and if she’s there waiting you’ll pick her up. Means you won’t be delayed and she will need to be on time to get a lift.

LlynTegid · 07/12/2022 18:50

Your children seem a good enough reason for it to be a one-off.

I would have said no in the first place myself, because I cannot abide lateness.

SinnerBoy · 07/12/2022 18:51

FlissyPaps

I like your username....

When I was 12, back in the 80s, there was an older girl on the bus, called Felicity. Obviously shortened to Fliss. Some of the older lads used to shout, "Her comes Fliss Paps!" I thought it was because they liked her and were pleased to see her.

Anyway, I began saying, "Hi, Fliss Paps!" in all ignorance. She was a really nice, kind girls. On her final day, she said to me, evidently upset, "Why do you keep calling me that? ." I said, "Cos that's your name, isn't it?"

"No, my name's Xxxxxx...." I said sorry, why do they say that? She told me it was rude. I still feel awful about it 40 years later and to top it off, I can't for the Hell of me remember her real surname.

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