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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Him tending to baby in the night doesn't benefit me at all

105 replies

Boredboreboring · 07/12/2022 13:18

3 DC - age almost 6, 4 and 12 months.

Our 12mo isn't a great sleeper and still wakes up two or three times in the night and takes a while to settle.

DH (who works four night shifts per week) stays up all night gaming all night on his nights off work and tends to baby. This is wrapped up as being something that benefits me as I get some uninterrupted sleep when I have to get up to get the others ready for / to school.

It's started to dawn on me that it isn't benefitting me at all, not when he's then sleeping all morning / into the afternoon and nothing else gets done.

He went to sleep at 6am this morning and I had to get him up at 1pm as he had to be somewhere. If I hadn't woken him he'd sleep all afternoon (he's not at work tonight) and he's lounging on the sofa now almost falling asleep again.

AIBU to think that actually this isn't benefitting me and is a hindrance if anything as when I do need his help/input with something with the other children he's out for the count and I'm juggling all 3 on my own.

I would be better off dealing with 12mo in the night myself wouldn't i? I don't struggle with it, I can get up 2-3 times with him in the night and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning and deal with everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boredboreboring · 07/12/2022 13:19

I forgot to add - I think I would be better off insisting DH goes to sleep at a reasonable time on his nights off and participates in family life during the mornings / early afternoons.

He isn't somebody that couldn't sleep at a normal time due to being a night shift worker. He can sleep anytime, anywhere. He chooses to game all night.

OP posts:
Nordix · 07/12/2022 13:21

Tricky one. No, you’d probably find it more helpful if you did those night wakings yourself, and he was present those three days.

But depends - is he always on night shifts, or does it rotate to days sometimes? If he always does nights, I imagine its not easy for him to change his sleep pattern just for three days a week.

SewingBees · 07/12/2022 13:24

Hard to know if you would be better off, but I think it would be fair to look at how much down time each of you gets and make sure that's it's close to equal. Then make sure he's doing household chores or parenting or working the same amount as you. Then he can decide whether he sleeps or games in the time he has left.

Imogensmumma · 07/12/2022 13:27

Yup you are right my DP stays up to watch sport and then wants to act like the hero as he was awake for the baby….. no you were awake for you

Not sure how you would tackle it , but I wouldn’t be waking him if he has to be somewhere you are not his mother let him suffer the consequences

Can you maybe say on the night he doesn’t work he tends to baby until. 1am then you take over therefore he has no excuse not to sleep all day?

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:28

I’m not sure I understand? Surely if you’ve slept through you can deal with a baby alone all morning. Or am I missing something?

AriettyHomily · 07/12/2022 13:28

I wouldn't have woken him up! He needs to contribute more of come off shift work if he can't cope with it.

AriettyHomily · 07/12/2022 13:29

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:28

I’m not sure I understand? Surely if you’ve slept through you can deal with a baby alone all morning. Or am I missing something?

He saying he's doing it to help but he's not is he, he's doing it to facilitate his gaming

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:31

AriettyHomily · 07/12/2022 13:29

He saying he's doing it to help but he's not is he, he's doing it to facilitate his gaming

Show quote history

But does it actually matter how it’s worded? The long and short of it is; he is tending to the baby so OP can sleep. She then looks after the baby in the morning. I don’t see the issue.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 07/12/2022 13:32

He works night shifts, it's unfair to expect him to just be able to spring into day shifts whenever

I would say rhe bigger issue is that in his 'awake' hours he is mostly gaming and in your 'awake' hours you are mostly doing chores.

Is there nothing he could be doing which is quiet enough to not disturb sleeping people? like the ironing etc

Respectfullydisagree · 07/12/2022 13:36

No the point is that would be fine if it was just the morning but it’s ALL afternoon too… so she has all 3 kids all day. When really if her DH slept at night, she did the night wakes, he could get up with her in the morning and be around to help her all day with the 3 kids!

Im with you OP, explain this to him. Comprise and maybe offer one night gaming or something, but tell him you don’t find it fair and you need some help. Hopefully he gets it!

WineCap · 07/12/2022 13:40

I wouldn't change his schedule but I would expect him to do some housework at night as well as gaming. I would agree what chores need to be done.

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:42

Respectfullydisagree · 07/12/2022 13:36

No the point is that would be fine if it was just the morning but it’s ALL afternoon too… so she has all 3 kids all day. When really if her DH slept at night, she did the night wakes, he could get up with her in the morning and be around to help her all day with the 3 kids!

Im with you OP, explain this to him. Comprise and maybe offer one night gaming or something, but tell him you don’t find it fair and you need some help. Hopefully he gets it!

No, 1 baby. The elder 2 are at school. She’d have the baby alone if he was working days.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 07/12/2022 13:45

Respectfullydisagree · 07/12/2022 13:36

No the point is that would be fine if it was just the morning but it’s ALL afternoon too… so she has all 3 kids all day. When really if her DH slept at night, she did the night wakes, he could get up with her in the morning and be around to help her all day with the 3 kids!

Im with you OP, explain this to him. Comprise and maybe offer one night gaming or something, but tell him you don’t find it fair and you need some help. Hopefully he gets it!

I did wonder about that, but she says into the afternoon not all afternoon, and the example she gives is where he got up 5 hours after going to sleep

There has been a study done that showed the best way to manage mixing night shifts and days off (in terms of health and good sleep) is for the night shift worker to sleep from 3am to noon on their days off.

olympicsrock · 07/12/2022 13:46

some really good points here. In your shoes I would kill for a night of uninterrupted sleep.
If he insists on being up then he should be doing work for the family like household admin , perhaps batch cooking or laundry or cleaning rather than gaming all night.

Mariposista · 07/12/2022 13:47

A lot of people really struggle switching their body clocks back from night shift mode to normal mode. He may ‘go to bed at a normal time’ as you want but might not get to sleep. Cut him some slack! You need to work the childcare responsibilities around both you and his working schedule.

Respectfullydisagree · 07/12/2022 13:47

I don’t know why you are arguing BabyFour2023… 😂 she said ‘I’m juggling all 3’ and has to get them ready for school on her own. The DH days off could fall on weekends, she doesn’t state that. The point is she needs help and some consideration from her partner. He’s a dad to 3 and wants to game. I feel his priorities should be the children first no?

Squashpocket · 07/12/2022 13:48

If he is awake all night then he needs to use that time to do his half of the chores and anything useful that might help during the day e.g. prepping breakfast/lunch for who ever needs it/life admin that can be done online/packing bags for school.

He doesn't get to sit on his arse all night while everyone is asleep and then sleep all bloody day.

So essentially his only contribution to family life is settling one of the 3 children 2 or 3 times a night, while everyone else is sleep and then missing the waking hours. Load of bollocks.

MarshaMelrose · 07/12/2022 13:52

AriettyHomily · 07/12/2022 13:29

He saying he's doing it to help but he's not is he, he's doing it to facilitate his gaming

Show quote history

Does it matter if it's a positive for him, if it's a positive to her. No one can be up 3 times in the night and not suffer from it no matter what they think.

Also, op, ot might be that he can sleep any time, I can too, but it doesn't mean its quality sleep. Mixing nights and days does actually increase your chance of contracting diabetes and heart disease.

Zanatdy · 07/12/2022 13:52

We did this when DS2 was a baby as he didn’t sleep well. It hugely benefitted me, as meant I could get 4/5hrs in a row before I needed to express! But if it’s not working for you then ask him not to anymore. Why can’t he just wake up when the baby wakes? Instead of gaming all night, sleep instead

VisitingThem · 07/12/2022 13:53

I understand where you are coming from OP, my other half likes to stay up late but also does need to get up for work. On the weekends he wants to sleep until lunch. I've said this is fine, but he still needs to do his share of house work. So he cleans etc when he is up at night.

tiggergoesbounce · 07/12/2022 13:54

Working nights can be tough to get your body clock to fall into a "normal" routine on the days off.

What are his normal sleeping habits when working his 4 nights?

I do think he could find things to do around the house through the night to help amongst his gaming.

What does your normal day look like OP?

B00B · 07/12/2022 13:59

I'd say you're definitely benefiting from his night help. But I'd also think it makes more sense for him to try and have a more normal routine on his days off, even that could still consist of him waking and helping at night. He's acting like a single man with no kids, apart from the night help he gives on those 3 nights.

Orangepolentacake · 07/12/2022 13:59

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:31

But does it actually matter how it’s worded? The long and short of it is; he is tending to the baby so OP can sleep. She then looks after the baby in the morning. I don’t see the issue.

Show quote history

They have 2 other children.
and while he’s gaming he’s not helping out with any house work that she then has to by herself.

did that really need explaining, if you have 4 children, as your username implies?

KateBalesCardi · 07/12/2022 13:59

Is there nothing he could be doing which is quiet enough to not disturb sleeping people? like the ironing etc

Yep, I'd be starting with the "oh, while you're 'up with the baby' could you just do the ironing/kitchen wipe down/fold the laundry/anything else quiet you can think of to add to his list, thanks DH!" I'm sure staying up all night will become less appealing if he's doing something useful instead of gaming.

Yes it's hard switching between nights and days (I worked nights for years) but you don't have a choice when you have a family and everyone else is 'on dayshift'. He's essentially opting out of family life and choosing to spend all his off-work time on solitary pleasures instead of pitching in, which apart from being incredibly selfish is also bad for his MH and will end up making him feel isolated from both life in general and you and DC.

I would be telling him that you're worried about that last part, and that it feels to you as though he's disconnecting from you and DC, in addition to it being totally unfair that you are doing everything alone. At least then if nothing changes you'll know this is something he's choosing, and then you can make your own choices about whether/how long you put up with it.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 07/12/2022 14:01

Could he do something useful at night instead of gaming, like cleaning, or will that wake everyone up? Maybe the ironing, online grocery shop, some meal prep?
I realise he won’t want to! But make a list of all the jobs that need doing - house, garden, children, time spent earning money etc and then split it evenly. Equal leisure time, equal sleep opportunity too.