Him tending to baby in the night doesn't benefit me at all

[Boredboreboring]

3 DC - age almost 6, 4 and 12 months.

Our 12mo isn't a great sleeper and still wakes up two or three times in the night and takes a while to settle.

DH (who works four night shifts per week) stays up all night gaming all night on his nights off work and tends to baby. This is wrapped up as being something that benefits me as I get some uninterrupted sleep when I have to get up to get the others ready for / to school.

It's started to dawn on me that it isn't benefitting me at all, not when he's then sleeping all morning / into the afternoon and nothing else gets done.

He went to sleep at 6am this morning and I had to get him up at 1pm as he had to be somewhere. If I hadn't woken him he'd sleep all afternoon (he's not at work tonight) and he's lounging on the sofa now almost falling asleep again.

AIBU to think that actually this isn't benefitting me and is a hindrance if anything as when I do need his help/input with something with the other children he's out for the count and I'm juggling all 3 on my own.

I would be better off dealing with 12mo in the night myself wouldn't i? I don't struggle with it, I can get up 2-3 times with him in the night and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning and deal with everything else.

So he's basically nocturnal, but all he's doing on his 3 days (nights) off is settling the baby a few times, and no doubt expecting some sort of medal. Meanwhile you do EVERYTHING else? Yes he's being an idiot. If he's on permanent nights I wouldnt expect him to change his routine, but he still needs to be pulling his weight on his days (nights) off.

I did a few years of shift work about 12 years ago and I’m sure I’m still fucked by it

Personally, it would drive me nuts that he was choosing to stay up all night and then sleeping all morning. I'd much rather have someone who's conscious in the morning, at a reasonable hour.

If his work pattern means he struggles to sleep at normal hours even when he technically could, I'd be sympathetic, but still prefer it if he could try to minimise the impact on the rest of the family. I also agree with PP that he should be contributing to the household chores and responsibilities instead of just treating the nights as gaming marathons.

Sounds like a good number for him. He gets to act like a teenager up gaming all night then sleeping it off. Is he actually dealt by with the baby? Does he wear a headset, can he head out for them? It sounds like he’s checking out of family life a bit but still seeing himself as the hero.

I think you are being unreasonable. He works 4 nights. The routine is normal for him. I would imagine it's worse swapping sleeping patterns around.

I'm just catching up with the replies, up to page 2 atm, but wanted to check in so people don't think I've flounced. I'll try to answer everybody but to answer some questions I've read so far..

His work nights include the weekend so thats why i have all 3 during the mornings.

His sleep pattern when at work is finish at 7 and get home by 7.30, have some breakfast and then go to bed until 4pm ish.

Something that struck me was how so many people think he could be using his being awake at night on more productive things like housework beyween games or whatever else. I don't know why that has never occurred to me because WTF.. he absolutely could / should be doing. If I raise that with him which I think I will he's going to retort back with the fact he doesn't want to wake us (about that.. he's actually stopped me from falling asleep many times over the years because of how loud he talks on his game!)

At the moment he tends to bring baby in to me at about 4.30am on the basis he then usually sleeps until 7 when I have to get up with the others. I discovered the other day that he was still staying up gaming for another couple of hours after sending baby in to me, where he will then wake me briefly, sometimes more than once, between 4.30 and 6.

So it's not as though I'm getting completely uninterrupted sleep anyway, not really.

DH wouldn't be able to tend to baby in the night if he just went to sleep at a normal (or earlier) time because he's too much of a deep sleeper and wouldn't wake to babies cries. I would wake up straight away and end up sorting him whilst DH snores his head off.

Oh balls I forgot to include something important.

So dispite him having baby through the night I'm not actually getting early nights because DH goes for a "top up" nap from about 8.30 until roughly 11.30 and I can only go to bed then, because as above he wouldn't wake up to baby on his own I have to wake DH, as requested for him, when I'm going to bed after his nap.

It takes me a while to get to sleep and always has, so I'm rarely falling asleep before 12.30 - then I sometimes will/sometimes won't if I'm lucky - get woken by baby at 4.30 - 5ish, then have to get up with the others at 7ish.

It all sounds a bit bonkers doesn't it.

So how much baby care does he actually do during his ‘hours’?

I don't want, need nor expect him to work nights. I know its not conducive to family life and bad for his health. Its his choice to keep going for night jobs (I say 'keep' but this is his second night job, which he specifically looked for dispite us already having DC). He isn't Interested in working a day job.

I wouldn't make someone who works four night shifts per week change their sleeping pattern for the other three, that is horrific and a recipe for disaster. However he should be using his awake time to do housework and other household tasks rather than just gaming.

In that case, I retract at least some of my comments. If this isn't a choice for the family (e.g. it's a much higher salary that you need to function as a household or that it helps with other scheduling) and it's actively his choice, then he's being a dick, and I apologize for my assumptions.

He not only needs to do more, he also needs to find a job that means he can actually have a family life.

So you’re doing everything for six days and four nights? He’s gaming on his three nights off and sleeping a bit in the day? If that’s the situation Yanbu. He needs to adjust to sleeping in the night on his days off with a long nap in the day before he works at night. He needs to do all the parenting work on the one day he has between Night Shift sleeping and during these at home nights too. He shouldn’t be gaming at night and getting sleep in the day. The gaming is a problem which he needs to stop. Gaming and looking after kids doesn’t go together. He also needs to spend time with you.

Does he add anything whatsoever to your life? It sounds to me like he doesn’t. I couldn’t be arsed having DH there is he added nothing like this - you make compromises and sacrifices having another adult in the home, and the payoff is you get something back. What do you get back from this man?

In the interest of balance I will say he does do other things at home like cooking, bath time, changing a gazillion nappies (our middle DC is disabled and still reliant on nappies - aswell as the baby, obv) so I don't want to paint him as being totally useless as when he is awake and around he does do his bit.. the problem is that it's such a small window of time.

The working 4 nights and then sleeping through half the other days means there's never any family days out, spontaneous trips to somewhere fun, not even a visit to the park together (OK I know its cold now, but before..)

We had a row the other day about how life just feels quite shitty at the minute and revolves around him and his schedule as opposed to the family and he never wants to do anything together when he's here and awake he just wants to work, game, play football then sleep.

Actually to expand on my last post, it's not that he's only around for a small window of time as like you've all pointed out he's awake and has all that free time in the night.

What I meant was there's only a small window of time during the day when he's awake/available.

He needs to give up gaming and get on with parenting. Nights with you and caring for the kids are the way to move forward. You say he does some parenting, which shows he does care, but his gaming is getting in the way of family life not the night shift work.

Must be great to be a man though. I honestly can’t imagine posting on here that I couldn’t be arsed with my kids or housework or any boring stuff, so wanted to spend my days off sleeping all day then lie around watching How To Get Away With Murder all night and have posters say ‘what, your husband can’t manage looking after the kids by himself?’

My DH works the exact same shifts, 4 nights, home for 7:30am. After his final night before the weekend he gets up a couple of hours earlier than usual to make himself be tired that evening and have a normal weekend. He's been doing this for a few years, it works perfect for him. He gets to still do the things he wants to at the weekend as he's fell into a normal routine by then. He then rights himself again ready for work by sleeping really handy on his first shift back. Admittedly, he does fall asleep quite easily and always has been able to, so granted I know this won't work for everyone. But your DH is missing out on so much doing what he's currently doing, and so are you x

YABU.

You get your sleep, and he has an irregular sleep pattern anyway given he works night.

She gets to work, sleep, look after the kids all day, do all the housework. He gets to work, sleep and play games.

Sounds really fair to me.

Considering OP literally opens up with fact he does other things around the house, yes I agree.

Some people just look for any excuse to miserable.

@BabyOnBoard90 but only in a limited time frame. Just think how much he could do if he didn’t game all night. And he chooses to work nights even when OP has asked him to change hours. And OP says he could be awake during daylight hours on his days off but he chooses not to.

In fact if he keeps his hours to be nocturnal why doesn’t he do more shifts then OP could but in more help

I think having a proper night's sleep would be awesome, so I think as some PP have said give him a list of things to do during the night so he's not just gaming

If he's doing all the night wakings, gazillions of nappies and cooking, plus working, then I think it's a bit much to complain that you're having to deal with the kids in the mornings after a full night's sleep!

I get your point about being frustrated that his schedule makes spontaneous days out etc tricky, but tbh that's about a much bigger issue. I don't think it's fair to dictate that he doesn't work night shifts and gets a regular hours job instead. If he's happy in the job he's doing then it's not really fair to do that.

Also, if he did get a regular job, you'd then need to do half the night wakings (or even all or most if you're not working) so be careful what you wish for!

Imo a full nights sleep is not something to take for granted. I'd sooner have a full nights sleep and then deal with the kids in the daytime than have broken nights

At least you get a full nights sleep. That would be the most difficult thing for me a broken night but he is acting like a bit of a teenager a s I wouldn't like it