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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Him tending to baby in the night doesn't benefit me at all

105 replies

Boredboreboring · 07/12/2022 13:18

3 DC - age almost 6, 4 and 12 months.

Our 12mo isn't a great sleeper and still wakes up two or three times in the night and takes a while to settle.

DH (who works four night shifts per week) stays up all night gaming all night on his nights off work and tends to baby. This is wrapped up as being something that benefits me as I get some uninterrupted sleep when I have to get up to get the others ready for / to school.

It's started to dawn on me that it isn't benefitting me at all, not when he's then sleeping all morning / into the afternoon and nothing else gets done.

He went to sleep at 6am this morning and I had to get him up at 1pm as he had to be somewhere. If I hadn't woken him he'd sleep all afternoon (he's not at work tonight) and he's lounging on the sofa now almost falling asleep again.

AIBU to think that actually this isn't benefitting me and is a hindrance if anything as when I do need his help/input with something with the other children he's out for the count and I'm juggling all 3 on my own.

I would be better off dealing with 12mo in the night myself wouldn't i? I don't struggle with it, I can get up 2-3 times with him in the night and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning and deal with everything else.

OP posts:
Orangepolentacake · 07/12/2022 14:02

Respectfullydisagree · 07/12/2022 13:47

I don’t know why you are arguing BabyFour2023… 😂 she said ‘I’m juggling all 3’ and has to get them ready for school on her own. The DH days off could fall on weekends, she doesn’t state that. The point is she needs help and some consideration from her partner. He’s a dad to 3 and wants to game. I feel his priorities should be the children first no?

She’s a cool wife

WonderousWalrus · 07/12/2022 14:09

Is he gaming with your 12 month old, because if he's seeing screens at night it's probably the reason he's a rubbish sleeper.

Also - it's not demonstrating healthy sleep hygiene to any of your children (or lifestyle).

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 14:10

So you watch all the kids (while they are awake) and do all housework and chores during the day, and he settles one baby a couple of times then games and chills out all night, before having uninterrupted sleep all day? And he’s convinced you this is all benefiting you??

The chores need to be split. Very good of him to be up all night tending the baby (who only wakes a couple of times), but he is neglecting all his other duties as an equal adult of the home.

WonderousWalrus · 07/12/2022 14:10

Quiet night activities

Sorting lunchboxes for the next day
Ironing
Folding / Sorting Laundry
Sweeping floors
Finance / Bills / Admin
Dusting
Mopping
Cleaning kitchen
Food prep
Cleaning out the Fridge/Freezer

Floydthebarber · 07/12/2022 14:20

Dh does three night shifts then three says off. The first sleep at night after the shifts can be tricky but he's up around in the day as we are a family and daytime is when stuff happens. I suspect the OPs dh just likes sitting on his own gaming and sleeping all day so he doesn't have to do any of the dull stuff that needs doing.

Nancydrawn · 07/12/2022 14:32

Night shift is brutal for your health.

It increases heart disease and risk for diabetes, cancer, and stroke. It wrecks your clock.

I agree that gaming is not particularly healthy here. But I'm stunned by your lack of acknowledgement that a. his job is actively poisonous for him and that he might need coping mechanisms to deal with it and b. that he is actually doing something, i.e. taking the night work resulting in you having a good night's sleep.

I agree that having a few set tasks he decides to do whilst looking after the baby is a good idea. He could and should certainly do some meal prep and light cleaning. But you get to go to bed at 10 pm and sleep until 6 am. He doesn't, either for work or for taking care of the baby. That counts, and it shouldn't be something that's resented.

Nancydrawn · 07/12/2022 14:33

PS: I'm not saying he deserves a medal. I'm just saying that it's an active family contribution. If he were working a normal 9-5, then I'd be much more outraged, but his work is putting his health at risk as it is.

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 14:41

Nancydrawn · 07/12/2022 14:33

PS: I'm not saying he deserves a medal. I'm just saying that it's an active family contribution. If he were working a normal 9-5, then I'd be much more outraged, but his work is putting his health at risk as it is.

If his work is putting him so at risk that he isn’t capable of normal participation in family life including childcare and housework, and is only able to play computer games for hours, then he needs to be looking for something new immediately.

I used to work night shifts. Funnily enough that didn’t mean I could spend all my days off lounging round having Netflix binges and ignoring things that needed to be done.

sheepdogdelight · 07/12/2022 14:43

How often does the baby wake in the night and how long are they up?

If it's more than the odd time, then I think having uninterrupted sleep is a huge benefit. I'd value that over help with getting children ready for school (if they are old enough for school, how onerous is this?) and looking after 1 baby after a night of disturbed sleep.

sheepdogdelight · 07/12/2022 14:45

I would be better off dealing with 12mo in the night myself wouldn't i? I don't struggle with it, I can get up 2-3 times with him in the night and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning and deal with everything else.

I think that getting up every night is substantially different to only getting up half the time. Never getting a full night of undisturbed sleep is a killer.

SillySausage81 · 07/12/2022 14:46

BabyFour2023 · 07/12/2022 13:31

But does it actually matter how it’s worded? The long and short of it is; he is tending to the baby so OP can sleep. She then looks after the baby in the morning. I don’t see the issue.

Show quote history

The point is that tending to the baby in the night is a relatively small task and a relatively small help to OP, whereas being awake in the morning and afternoon and helping tend to all three children, do housework etc. would be a much bigger help to OP.

He's choosing to stay up all night gaming and take the easiest task which (whether deliberate or not) has the effect of leaving OP to do several much more onerous tasks by herself.

The fact that she can do it is by the by... the children have a second parent there who could halve her workload if he wanted to but currently isn't.

Keroppi · 07/12/2022 14:47

Hmm. Well, I think you're feeling overwhelmed with the balance of jobs, so him staying awake is fine BUT he needs to clean at night and get things sorted for the next morning i.e. lunchboxes, meal prep for breakfast and dinner etc
If he's awake until 6 then he can stay awake another hour

DH used to come off a night shift and do morning school run and crash when back at home, so did my Mum, not uncommon, does he do that?

VladmirsPoutine · 07/12/2022 14:52

Yanbu. He'd be of more use during the breakfast etc, staying up all night to game and ostensibly keeping an eye on the baby is a real cop out.

FatEaredFuck · 07/12/2022 15:01

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 14:10

So you watch all the kids (while they are awake) and do all housework and chores during the day, and he settles one baby a couple of times then games and chills out all night, before having uninterrupted sleep all day? And he’s convinced you this is all benefiting you??

The chores need to be split. Very good of him to be up all night tending the baby (who only wakes a couple of times), but he is neglecting all his other duties as an equal adult of the home.

Bingo. Hes' definitely getting the better end of the bargain here.

toomuchlaundry · 07/12/2022 15:02

Apart the odd wake up call from the baby what does he contribute to the house on his days off?

runlittlemonster · 07/12/2022 15:05

Sorry to be this person but the focus here should be your one year old’s poor sleep - have you spoke to the health visitor for support on reducing those night wakings? Mine was great and recommended the feber method which was miraculous. Your partners ‘back to sleep’ strategies may well be doing more harm than good, and embedding poor sleep patterns

RachelGreeneGreep · 07/12/2022 15:06

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 14:10

So you watch all the kids (while they are awake) and do all housework and chores during the day, and he settles one baby a couple of times then games and chills out all night, before having uninterrupted sleep all day? And he’s convinced you this is all benefiting you??

The chores need to be split. Very good of him to be up all night tending the baby (who only wakes a couple of times), but he is neglecting all his other duties as an equal adult of the home.

Spot on.

JulieMarooley · 07/12/2022 15:08

I do agree with the point you’re making, but are you not worried about your OH’s mental and physical health?

Humans are not supposed to live nocturnally. Does he have phases of living in the real world and going out in the day time or is he only awake when it’s dark?

SpicyFoodRocks · 07/12/2022 15:09

When does he have family time?

Peedoffo · 07/12/2022 15:29

It depends if it's permanent nights adjusting to being functional in the day on days off then back on nights is really damaging to health. It's like torture. I'd recommend he looks for a new job if it's not permanent nights you can work through this.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 07/12/2022 15:33

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 07/12/2022 13:32

He works night shifts, it's unfair to expect him to just be able to spring into day shifts whenever

I would say rhe bigger issue is that in his 'awake' hours he is mostly gaming and in your 'awake' hours you are mostly doing chores.

Is there nothing he could be doing which is quiet enough to not disturb sleeping people? like the ironing etc

This is spot on. I've worked nights and it's very difficult to just switch your awake/asleep patterns on and off. However surely he can be doing something around the house on his nights off? Give him a list of quiet chores to do that won't disturb the household.

Guitarbar · 07/12/2022 15:48

Night shifts mess up your body clock, not surprised he sleeps during the day. He should be helping out more though, he should be doing chores and stuff around the house, and if he's asleep in the morning doing pick ups and stuff in the afternoon or something? You are right it's not enough if that's all he is doing, but it's also not easy to switch between day and night sleeping.

fghj149 · 07/12/2022 15:51

Don’t get me wrong the night shifts sound horrible I don’t envy those who work at night at all, but it sounds like he needs to stop with the gaming imho.

Why on earth is it acceptable in this day and age for grown men to sit there playing on games consoles like 14 year old boys? It’s embarrassing. He is a husband and a father to children, he’s not one of the children in the house. And you’re right, what he’s doing is sh*t, because he’s up doing what he wants regardless then isn’t helping you. It’s BS. Stick to your guns OP and tell him you need to work together to find a new way of doing things.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2022 15:52

You can't just tell another adult when to sleep.

But you can leave him to face the consequences of choosing to go to bed at 6am when he knows he has to be somewhere later in the afternoon.

Don't wake your H if he decides to game all night. He's an adult and he can set an alarm.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2022 15:54

There is plenty he could get done during the night without waking the family.

He's coasting along and taking the piss.