Him tending to baby in the night doesn't benefit me at all

[Boredboreboring]

3 DC - age almost 6, 4 and 12 months.

Our 12mo isn't a great sleeper and still wakes up two or three times in the night and takes a while to settle.

DH (who works four night shifts per week) stays up all night gaming all night on his nights off work and tends to baby. This is wrapped up as being something that benefits me as I get some uninterrupted sleep when I have to get up to get the others ready for / to school.

It's started to dawn on me that it isn't benefitting me at all, not when he's then sleeping all morning / into the afternoon and nothing else gets done.

He went to sleep at 6am this morning and I had to get him up at 1pm as he had to be somewhere. If I hadn't woken him he'd sleep all afternoon (he's not at work tonight) and he's lounging on the sofa now almost falling asleep again.

AIBU to think that actually this isn't benefitting me and is a hindrance if anything as when I do need his help/input with something with the other children he's out for the count and I'm juggling all 3 on my own.

I would be better off dealing with 12mo in the night myself wouldn't i? I don't struggle with it, I can get up 2-3 times with him in the night and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning and deal with everything else.

He works nights. Honestly, continually disrupting his sleeping pattern will be worse for you than the current set up.

He needs to be doing his bit, yes, but not at the cost of sleep. You need to have a conversation about the kind of things he can be doing at night, that won't disrupt the rest of the house.

@tunthebloodyalarmoff I’m not sure I call 12.30am to 4.30am (which appears to be the window the partner is willing to look after the little one) a full night’s sleep

So here's a father of three children getting away with hours of gaming and getting up at noon. He is effectively feeding one child while you PARENT three children and look after a house. You are essentially a lone parent of three with a free night nurse for the baby, which I suppose is better than being a lone parent that has to either tend to baby at night or pay for a night nurse, but it's far from an optimal or fair setup.

I hate this idea that paid work is harder on the man than maternity leave and months of interrupted night sleep for the woman because 'she can nap during the day'. I never nap during the day, I have too much cooking, cleaning and planning to do. It's gruelling work and I also deserve some decent sleep. So do you (without then having to parent on your own during the day). Your husband should put on his big boy pants, sleep when he can during the night and get up at a reasonable time. For us, the one doing the night shift will have a lie in, which means a 9-9:30 get up (as opposed to 7am). More often than not everyone is up by 8:30 though.

Oh, and the hours of gaming should stop. Seriously. There's too much to get done in a house with three children to be gaming for hours.

If he works 4 nights a week then it may be a bad idea for him to try to sleep at night time when he's not working. He's obviously got to follow a routine; I mean, how would someone who works 9-5 feel if they were expected to sleep during the day time on their days off and then stay awake at night?

I think the gaming all night is a bit weird and sad but I don't think the OP has a leg to stand on if she's getting a full nights sleep. at least one of the 3 kids is school age, so that's a maximum of 2 that she's dealing with when her dh gets his sleep time.

So as a couple you never share a bed together? And when does he spend any actual time with your older DC's? Chores and who gets the most sleep aside, it doesn't sound like he has an actual meaningful relationship with any of you!

Let him have one night gaming and the other three helping out during the day. You have to reach a compromise here if you live with a shift worker.

DH used to do shifts years ago, he would help out with any night wakings and do gaming but he would help out in the morning before the school run then went to sleep until 3/4pm. Could you try this?

When I die I’m coming back as a man. What a life 👍

It sounds like he has hours and hours of free time to do as he pleases and you have none.

Gaming all night (or all day) when you have three small children (including a baby as well as one with a disability) is just ridiculous.

He needs to grow up.

Working nights is hard, but so is caring for three small children. It sounds like he chooses to work nights, which is selfish if he has the option not to.

Document how much spare time he had versus you and ask him how he plans to make it fair.

Night shifts are notoriously hard on people-
It can’t be easy for anyone who has to do them to regulate sleep times.
He needs to sleep in the day, obviously.

I think the main issue for me would be that he is that he’s not spending much time with the other children/ family and that you don’t get to have days out together. In the short term it might be helpful for him to help with the night wakes but in the longer term I think he either needs to find a way to convert back to days on his off days or get a day job so he can be preset for the upbringing of his children.

My husband’s dad worked long unsociable hours and looking back on his upbringing his main impression was that his Dad wasn’t around.

I wonder if the WiFi didn’t work during night hours whether he might be inclined to change his pattern? I do worry that he might have a gaming addiction if he is gaming for many hours each night and avoiding family time to facilitate gaming time? Perhaps you could ask him to gradually limit it to down to get to an hour a day if he is willing to address it. With his agreement you take control of the WiFi passwords so he’s not tempted to go longer than the time he sets himself. Maybe have a look at some info about it and see if you feel it fits?

He's taking the piss.

Your 4 and 1/2 hours sleep isn't a full night's sleep or a lie in.

He changes a few nappies and cooks a few meals, so what.

I'd insist he go on days and join the real world. He won't though because he doesn't want to give up his cushy life.

I couldn't imagine having one child with this lazy git let alone 3!

This x100.

OP, your husband is a joker and, in the nicest way possible, you’re a mug for putting up with his behaviour.

Completely agree with you. I had similar for a short period of time when baby was small and partner would stay up until 3/4am to look after the baby on his days off as if he went to bed and just got up when needed for baby "he wouldn't hear them and wake up". He would then sleep in until midday meaning I always had the difficult mornings to deal with alone.
I suggested to him we take it in turns to stay up and get up late and he very quickly turned this down and was forced to acknowledge that he had been having the easier deal.
We then both went to bed at a reasonable time and shared the night wakings on his days off. Funnily he didn't actually have a problem hearing baby! He just wanted to be able to sleep in uninterrupted!

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to give up night shifts. He’s got the life of Riley dressed up as ‘loving father and helpful husband’.

He works nights because gaming is his priority on his nights off. He’s woken you up gaming. He’s dropped the baby back to you to continue gaming. As you said he works, games, sleeps and footballs. No sign of spending those hours on chores. (I enjoy gaming btw).

His evening nap is a joke. To be honest I’d get a job on nights and say he can stay home with the kids. I’d fill my nights with reading/gaming/me.

Has he always been selfish?

I work in a male industry and many of them do hear the baby they just pretend to be asleep. It’s been mentioned lots of times over the years (usually with a chuckle) by lots of different men, some of whom really surprised me as they seemed to be thoroughly decent guys. I guess they prioritised their sleep over their wife’s.

It sounds like he's not doing enough to me. It would annoy me too. Can you start to share the overnights a bit more and get him up in the morning to help or at least make sure he isn't gaming until the early hours to maximise his sleep.

When he's not working nights he needs to be sleeping a normal amount so that he can get up and help you in the day time in the normal way. Put it this way- you aren't using your spare time to game you're using it to parent and do stuff in the house so he needs to do the same.

Some adults like to opt out of family life - he sounds like he is one of these - he spends time gaming which is a hobby - he then needs a further nap to catch up on sleep. He chooses night work - the world seems to revolve around him and his wants - where do yours come in?

Same here.

Unless it's for work, let the lazy bugger sleep on. Let him miss his football match, meeting his mates etc.

what's the scenario though? SAHP and the other works nights to earn the money? i would get why he doesn't want to ruin his rhythm

but the baby isn't awake all night so i'd expect him to do a bit of the house stuff - things that can be done quietly like dusting, ironing etc.

@Brefugee Yeap, the gaming all night isn't reasonable when there's other housework he can get on with quietly. But other than that, I don't get what the OP is on about. Her dh works 4 night shifts a week, so has to have a routine of sleeping in the day time.
He also tends to the baby who wakes during the night, meaning the OP gets a full nights sleep.
Oh and she also said he cooks and changes a gazillion nappies.
Her problem seems to be that she is getting the kids up in the morning. Well: yeah! She's had the nights sleep, totally fair enough that he gets to sleep then.
The OP shouldn't worry about waking him up for things though- he can set an alarm.

If the issue is that she doesn't want him working nights full stop, that's a totally different issue and needs proper discussion and renegotiation. You can't just force someone to change their job if they're happy doing it and making a fair contribution to the household.

@freyamay74 the OP doesn’t get a full nights sleep, he expects her to look after the baby until about 11.30 and then brings baby in about 4.30, so not what I would call a full night’s sleep

God what a life. Hes chosen to avoid family life for the most part.

You are supposed to be grateful for what 4/5 hour block of sleep? He gets to game all night while you run around after a baby a disabled child and a third child all day?
I'd sleep train the baby though I have to say. Then all you would have was a dh who stays up all night gaming . Settling a baby at night doesn't give u a free pass to do nothing else.

Theres plenty be could be doing . Ironing , folding laundry, ordering the shopping, dusting etc

I think there are times it would have saved my sanity and times when other things would have been better. I'm not good without sleep and 2 of my 4 were nightmare sleepers and truly there were times when the idea of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep would have been worth the world to me.

If he is claiming it helps you (not me who loves sleep) and it doesn't then you should explain it to him.

I've never worked nights but I can imagine it being easy to get into a routine of being up all night.

You say he can sleep anywhere any time, so he’s probably fucking knackered! I’ve done night shifts and it properly messes to your body clock, we’re not made to be awake at night and sleep in the day time.

i think it sounds like an ideal situation to give you an uninterrupted nights sleep while he games and tends to the baby. However he also needs to spend an hour or two of his free time each day doing something to benefit the family. If that’s at night time when you’re all asleep he could make sandwiches for the next day, stick on a wash, do some ironing, have a sweep round, probably some light cleaning or meal prep if it isn’t too noisy. Those are the issues you need to address, rather than just taking on all night wakings yourself and expecting him to sleep at different times of day when he’s on/off work.

His lifestyle suits him, if he wasn't working he'd be up all night playing anyway. Can't imagine why you'd have 3 under 5 with this prince. Good luck getting him to iron.