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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DH bollocks

84 replies

Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 18:31

Hi all,

My amazing parents sadly lost their beautiful dog in September. Both would love another, they are mid & early 60's both activitie and wonderful caring dog owners.

I would absolutely love to buy my parents a dog for Christmas (I know a dogs not for Christmas blah blah blah as I've said they are amazing dog owners)

My thoughts are a puppy, even though they'd love to rescue, it's just to tricky with grandchildren going round very regularly ageing from 3 to 21!! A puppy would be easier to train and crate whilst grandchildren are there. A rescue could be unpredictable.

I have discussed this with my parents and they are absolutely blown away and beyond grateful and both got very emotional. I had discussed this with DH before hand and he was fine with it because he genuinely believed they'd decline a new dog but because they've said yes he's absolutely hit the roof today.

My reasons for telling him bollocks is because.... it's my money, it won't effect him one tiny bit financially and I can afford to do this for my parents.
I don't tell him how to spend his money. He recently gave his cousin £2000 as he'd ran up a credit card bill and was working 15 hour shifts to pay it off. He also gives his ex £100 per week for his 17 year old DS which to be honest I think is good of him. He DS also works for him 3 days per week so gets his own wage too and ontop of that his driving lessons paid for by my DH. My DH and his DM have such a complicated relationship she is basically absolutely vile to DH but he's brought her a car in the past, he's paid for her home to be carpeted and decorated. He basically tries so hard and she takes takes takes but is so nasty to him.

On the other hand back when we had literally nothing in the early days (other than my wage to live on) when he decided to set up his own business and couldn't afford a van it was my parents who took a loan out for him to get a van and they ask for nothing. They've loved my DSS as their own grandchild since he was 2 years old treating him completely equal to all other grandchildren, they are great to us and they adore my DH.

DH isn't a dog lover at all and doesn't see why they'd want another dog, I on the other hand love dogs and see how much joy they bring. It's also a great way to keep my parents active and social.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and for once I'm doing something for my parents?

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 06/12/2022 18:35

Do what you want - your money.
Tell him to wind his neck in.

MrsBahHumbug · 06/12/2022 18:36

fancyacuppatea · 06/12/2022 18:35

Do what you want - your money.
Tell him to wind his neck in.

Exactly this!

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/12/2022 18:38

fancyacuppatea · 06/12/2022 18:35

Do what you want - your money.
Tell him to wind his neck in.

Perfect response!

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 18:50

@fancyacuppatea I did tell him....not quite so politely though 😅 he's really annoyed me. I save every spare penny, I'm frugal with money and extremely sensible but on this occasion it's something I feel passionate about.

Thanks all

OP posts:
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 06/12/2022 18:52

He's annoyed at you spending your own money on what you want?

Why9

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/12/2022 18:53

If you keep money separate then do whatever you like with yours.

I do take a smidge of an issue with these statements though:

He also gives his ex £100 per week for his 17 year old DS which to be honest I think is good of him

So he pays towards his child? Yep. I dont think you can use this "against" him which is what you seem to be doing

He DS also works for him 3 days per week so gets his own wage too

So he pays an employee a salary? And?

Ontop of that his driving lessons paid for by my DH

Good. Glad to hear he does. Can't criticise him for that surely?

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 18:57

Interesting how it’s only family money when a wife wants equal share or say

Clarinet1 · 06/12/2022 18:58

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/12/2022 18:53

If you keep money separate then do whatever you like with yours.

I do take a smidge of an issue with these statements though:

He also gives his ex £100 per week for his 17 year old DS which to be honest I think is good of him

So he pays towards his child? Yep. I dont think you can use this "against" him which is what you seem to be doing

He DS also works for him 3 days per week so gets his own wage too

So he pays an employee a salary? And?

Ontop of that his driving lessons paid for by my DH

Good. Glad to hear he does. Can't criticise him for that surely?

I think the OP was not so much objecting to these things her DH dies for his side of the family as demonstrating that he spends a considerable amount both financially and in kind on his side of the family so why shouldn’t she get a dog for her DPs?

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 18:58

If your money is separate why is he annoyed? Why does he think he gets a say? I’d be pretty cross! I’d say fine, if by Saturday you’ve got everything you’ve given your mum back then tell me and we can talk about how much say we get on what the other spends. If you haven’t, I’ll go buy a puppy for my parents and you should pull your hypocritical head in. By the way I want that 2000 you gave your cousin back too as it’s all now family money according to you and I wasn’t consulted there either.

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 18:59

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair absolutely no idea, he's genuinely not normally like this. I don't normally spend big amounts though and we do regularly discuss finances. I think it's because he doesn't like dogs and see's it as a waste of money whereas I see it as a way of giving my parents some happiness aftere shattered from losing their old boy.

He also thinks my brother's should contribute but I don't need them to, my brothers also have children and have most likely already purchased our parents Christmas present therefore I'd not even like to ask and put them in an awkward position.

I have no DC of my own but often treat my DSS, nieces and nephews..i very rarely spend money on myself so after my outgoings I usually manage to save each month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:05

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz not critical at all simply pointing out facts of the situation. He is regularly being told by his friends he's an idiot paying so much for his DS, most of his friends try and dodge child maintenance, thankfully my DH doesn't and I'd think a lot less of him if he did!!

I just want to buy my parents a one off purchase to bring them soms joy and happiness. I'm not criticising my DH he does what he wants with his money and I don't want or need a say in it as I have my own money so my point was him kicking off I believe he is unreasonable and just wanted others opinions.

Cheers 👍

OP posts:
been and done it. · 06/12/2022 19:06

Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 18:31

Hi all,

My amazing parents sadly lost their beautiful dog in September. Both would love another, they are mid & early 60's both activitie and wonderful caring dog owners.

I would absolutely love to buy my parents a dog for Christmas (I know a dogs not for Christmas blah blah blah as I've said they are amazing dog owners)

My thoughts are a puppy, even though they'd love to rescue, it's just to tricky with grandchildren going round very regularly ageing from 3 to 21!! A puppy would be easier to train and crate whilst grandchildren are there. A rescue could be unpredictable.

I have discussed this with my parents and they are absolutely blown away and beyond grateful and both got very emotional. I had discussed this with DH before hand and he was fine with it because he genuinely believed they'd decline a new dog but because they've said yes he's absolutely hit the roof today.

My reasons for telling him bollocks is because.... it's my money, it won't effect him one tiny bit financially and I can afford to do this for my parents.
I don't tell him how to spend his money. He recently gave his cousin £2000 as he'd ran up a credit card bill and was working 15 hour shifts to pay it off. He also gives his ex £100 per week for his 17 year old DS which to be honest I think is good of him. He DS also works for him 3 days per week so gets his own wage too and ontop of that his driving lessons paid for by my DH. My DH and his DM have such a complicated relationship she is basically absolutely vile to DH but he's brought her a car in the past, he's paid for her home to be carpeted and decorated. He basically tries so hard and she takes takes takes but is so nasty to him.

On the other hand back when we had literally nothing in the early days (other than my wage to live on) when he decided to set up his own business and couldn't afford a van it was my parents who took a loan out for him to get a van and they ask for nothing. They've loved my DSS as their own grandchild since he was 2 years old treating him completely equal to all other grandchildren, they are great to us and they adore my DH.

DH isn't a dog lover at all and doesn't see why they'd want another dog, I on the other hand love dogs and see how much joy they bring. It's also a great way to keep my parents active and social.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and for once I'm doing something for my parents?

Absolutely your final paragraph.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/12/2022 19:08

Do what you want with your money.
But I hope when you say you're going to get them a puppy for Christmas you're not expecting to be able to get one now that will actually be available on Xmas day.

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:10

@deeperthanallroses I don't think he should have a say and this is why I'm feeling a bit pissed off with him. I pay my half of the house bills etc and what's left goes in my savings which he knows. Finances are no secret between us and it's not going to effect him 1 tiny bit.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2022 19:12

Well YANBU except for saying that paying a mere £100 a week towards the upkeep of a teenager is “good of him” 🙄

iknowhimsowell · 06/12/2022 19:13

I think id mention that they would probably be able to afford their own puppy if they hadn't spent their money on setting him up on his own business. What a knobber.

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:13

@been and done it. thank you 👍 I've actually stopped feeling guilty already.

@ErrolTheDragon the pup is ready to go home on 21st December. I would never just pick one up and take him there on Christmas day and hope they were happy with it. I have spoken with them about it before any deposit or anything was paid. They are due to meet him themselves on Thursday and I'm so happy for them 💗

OP posts:
Bunda · 06/12/2022 19:14

Buy the dog. Buy TWO!

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:16

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing DSS constantly has his TV, PlayStation on and can eat for England, when his DM is at work he has heating on etc if he's not here so with the cost of living I think it's fair. His ex is a single mom who works part time after losing her job through covid so I'm never going to knock him supporting his son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:17

@Bunda 🤣 yesss!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:18

@iknowhimsowell yes to this. Wish I'd of thought of that. That would of right hooked the nastiness out of his mouth!!

OP posts:
Blogswife · 06/12/2022 19:32

No YANBU . Tell him to fuck off and get the dog . Lucky parents to have a DD like you 💕

Minimalme · 06/12/2022 19:34

Be honest with yourself - has he been controlling about stuff before?

If not, why now?

When something doesn't make sense, there is always missing information.

I would be keen to find out what it is because his response is not rational or proportional.

Original poster
Slippersnotshoes · 06/12/2022 19:35

@Blogswife 🥺💕 they said that too they were so emotional hence why I'm so pissed off with DH attitude x

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 06/12/2022 19:38

Definitely, do what you want. Your money, your parents. X

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