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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bit cheeky?

84 replies

ermmmwhat · 06/12/2022 15:36

DH works largely from him but sometimes in an office.

I am a SAHM.

Today he is in the office. Has been planned for weeks.

I have had our 3 DC at home since Monday and they're all ill. Fine no issue.

I've just been contacted by DH to say he's going for some after work drinks. Meaning he'll miss dinner and I'll have to put DC to bed alone.

I've said not a chance as I've been locked inside for 48 hours with three small sick children and I'm not doing bath and dinner alone.

If he'd mentioned it yesterday it wouldn't have been an issue as I'd have been mentally prepared but it's the nature of just dropping it on me that annoyed me.

I'd never do that to him and now apparently I'm the bad guy for saying no!

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 06/12/2022 15:42

It's certainly inconsiderate of him.

However, from his POV presumably it's a chance to catch up properly with colleagues he doesn't see IRL very often. It's maybe not quite the same as Friday night socialisation with workmates he sees all the time.

I'd let him go out tonight (unless you're right at breaking point) if he promises to take over tomorrow and give you a proper day off.

Pr1mr0se · 06/12/2022 15:44

I understand why you responded as you did.

You have two choices - either stick to your guns (he may still go out anyway) or if you want to change your mind you can change this to your advantage and make it on condition that you have a night out somewhere soon with friends.

Hope you're all well again soon.

Actupfishy · 06/12/2022 15:46

Give him the pass and tell him you want some time to yourself over the weekend.

Original poster

ermmmwhat · 06/12/2022 15:46

He's a good dad and does his fair share. I just find if frustrating as I'd never even think of going if my children were Ill at home.

It's the short notice that's needles me

OP posts:

weaselish · 06/12/2022 15:47

Bit ott. One of the perks of being in the office is collaboration and spending time with the team. I wouldn't have minded as it's not like it's all the time.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 15:47

I’d give him the pass only on the condition that tomorrow eve you get a pass to go upstairs and relax all evening!!!

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 06/12/2022 15:48

It's annoying and inconsiderate but it's a one-off for Christmas.

Do it alone tonight but take tomorrow night off while he does it all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2022 15:48

The last minute nature would annoy me - it’s the pre kids freedom of just being able to go out on a whim, with no notice.

pjparty · 06/12/2022 15:52

I would have said yes but explained why it is not fair for next time. I agree with you OP, there is such a difference with what mums would find acceptable vs dads sometimes. I am constantly trying to explain to my DH what extra mental load I carry. I even get resentful when he goes to the bathroom care free these days as I always find myself squeezing it in somewhere whenever baby is happy 😝

whattodo1975 · 06/12/2022 15:55

How old are the kids ?

melj1213 · 06/12/2022 15:58

YABU

Presumably it's been a last minute thing, he's in the office and a few colleagues have said "We're going for a drink when we clock off, have a catch up while we're all here, want to join us?" or it's a prearranged evening and they didn't realise your DH was on the office today so they invited him when they realised he was around, so he didn't have chance to give you notice as he's not had any himself.

As he's so infrequently in the office and he usually pulls his weight I would have said yes on condition you get some time to yourself later in the week/next week. I wouldn't begrudge your DH having a one off couple of drinks in this circumstance - if he was a lazy fucker who never lifted a finger at home and had form for going out for "a couple" and coming home steaming drunk then you'd have a point but that isn't the case.

B00B · 06/12/2022 16:00

YABU

Takenoprisoner · 06/12/2022 16:00

I can never get my head around posts like this.

Do men like ops husband have no concern for their families? I don't know any women who wouldn't be rushing home to be with their poorly children and to give the frazzled dh a much needed break. Do some men really have no such feelings of care and concern for their wives and children?

Pps saying it's a chance to see his colleagues that he doesn't usually see and have a night out, how on earth can that be a priority right now? It's really exhausting taking care of sick children, and op needs her dh to come home ASAP and take over.

Original poster

ermmmwhat · 06/12/2022 16:07

This is also my thinking @Takenoprisoner

He was also out for his team for a "lunch" today - which is just code for office beers.

And I'll be amazed if tonight's festivities are kept to one to two beers.

I've said he should go if he thinks that's best. I'd rather sort the children myself than being hindered by someone who's tiddly and annoying

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 06/12/2022 16:11

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2022 15:48

The last minute nature would annoy me - it’s the pre kids freedom of just being able to go out on a whim, with no notice.

Yes, my DH used to be like this sometimes, I did all the childcare pick ups etc. so he could just not come home at his usual time. I would say that I'd love to have his freedom, and he said I only had to ask and he'd be there. He didn't get the difference being I had to request his presence to allow me freedom, as opposed to him just doing as he pleased.

Bywayofanupdate · 06/12/2022 16:13

I think it's a bit ott too, presumably he doesn't do it often? Ask him if he can put them to bed one night and you do something fun.

Wibbly1008 · 06/12/2022 16:17

Let him go, and tell him he owes you one. Collect your favour this weekend, while you go out and he has the kids - all day.

ScarierThanBoo · 06/12/2022 16:19

Does he seriously not want to be there for his kids? Is he always a wanker?

Bookworm20 · 06/12/2022 16:20

All well and good if there were no sick kids at home and a tired and stressed wife. No ones fault, its just one of those things. And something that sometimes happens when you have a family and DC.

The fact he even considered it would be ok and asked would make me feel the same as OP. I cannot think for one second if I was at work and DP at home with sick dc and someone mentioned drinks, it wouldn't even enter my head to consider the drinks. I'd be heading home to help out. It would make zero difference if I hadn't seen my collegues for weeks/months/ the whole year. The situation currently at home should render an automatic no.

Why men think its fine, and then get annoyed when they are not 'allowed' to is pathetic. And its not even about not being allowed to (that would piss me off to, if my DP thought I wasn't 'allowing' him). Its just the fact they would be so inconsiderate and thoughtless to even contemplate it that is the issue.

Any other evening, would not be a problem I imagine. But in OPs situation, drinks with colleagues is definitely not the priority!

Original poster

ermmmwhat · 06/12/2022 16:20

I will be signing off parenting duty at 5pm sharp tomorrow

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 06/12/2022 16:23

Give him the pass

He’s an adult man for heaven’s sake.

ThePoint678 · 06/12/2022 16:31

YABU

whattodo1975 · 06/12/2022 16:33

How old are the kids ?

2pinkginsplease · 06/12/2022 16:36

I think the fact he has had his office lunch Aka beers I wouldn’t have expected him straight home after work.

yeah it’s a bit annoying the short notice but it is nearly Christmas.

annonymousse · 06/12/2022 16:38

Yeah it's nearly Christmas but not for OP

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