Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bit cheeky?

84 replies

ermmmwhat · 06/12/2022 15:36

DH works largely from him but sometimes in an office.

I am a SAHM.

Today he is in the office. Has been planned for weeks.

I have had our 3 DC at home since Monday and they're all ill. Fine no issue.

I've just been contacted by DH to say he's going for some after work drinks. Meaning he'll miss dinner and I'll have to put DC to bed alone.

I've said not a chance as I've been locked inside for 48 hours with three small sick children and I'm not doing bath and dinner alone.

If he'd mentioned it yesterday it wouldn't have been an issue as I'd have been mentally prepared but it's the nature of just dropping it on me that annoyed me.

I'd never do that to him and now apparently I'm the bad guy for saying no!

OP posts:
Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 17:57

Goodness me, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

If my DH tried to say I couldn’t go for work drinks because the kids were sick he’d be out the door.

luxxlisbon · 06/12/2022 18:02

He told you at 3:30, that’s hardly the absolute last second. How could he have known yesterday if he wasn’t in the office?

You’re making it sound like he has no regard for his kids but he has been there for the last week too surely if this was a rare trip to the office?

Theunamedcat · 06/12/2022 18:05

Have you been able to eat today? Pee? Because I remember when I had two children vomiting I couldn't eat drink or pee when my daughter got home from school she made me a cup of tea and made sure her brothers didn't faint (again) while I peed one sick child fine two or more absolutely a nightmare

Nyedilemma · 06/12/2022 18:08

Assuming no one's critically ill, I'd expect him to be going for drinks on a rare trip into the office at this time of year, especially if it was a scheduled Christmas lunch.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 06/12/2022 18:19

How poorly are the children OP, what illness do they have?

Birkinbag · 06/12/2022 18:25

Goodness, what a miserable life when you can’t even go out for an impromptu few drinks in the evening

berksandbeyond · 06/12/2022 18:26

I think YABU and probably shouldn't have had 3 kids if you can't look after them on your own. It's one bedtime, he's not buggering off for 3 weeks in Vegas

Plantsplants · 06/12/2022 18:27

You could always swap the roles...

boomboombang · 06/12/2022 18:29

Get a job and then you can do the same 🙄 or does being a SAHM only suit you when you can be a martyr

SavingKitten · 06/12/2022 18:30

YABU and a bit controlling.

Autumndays123 · 06/12/2022 18:50

YBVU. I'd hate to be in such a controlling relationship. You're a SAHM, your job is literally to look after the children, but you can't cope because they are unwell? I cannot think of one occasion where I've resented or whined at my husband because he must be there to help me with sick kids, nor can I think of it the other way around. Bizarre set-up.

BellePeppa · 06/12/2022 19:09

I spent twenty years dong it all by myself, sickness and all. I think I deserve a medal 🥇

NotAHouse · 06/12/2022 19:14

What the absolute fuck has happened to MN? Taken over by handmaiden and incels.

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 19:16

ComfortablyDazed · 06/12/2022 17:27

That feeling when they drop an impromptu [insert pleasant activity for the DH] on you at the last minute, is always so much worse when you’re a SAHM.

I remember that feeling of seething resentment.

That’s partly why I needed to return to work. Only ‘partly’, but definitely a reason.

You’re stuck at home all day with no adult company, and no possibility of an impromptu, fun evening activity involving drinks and laughs. Bad enough when the kids are all well. Really shit when they’re ill.

Sorry, OP. You’re not alone and it’s not abnormal to feel like this.

It might be worth asking yourself if you’re really cut out for this. I’m half assuming you’ll go on the defensive and say you love being a SAHM and this sort of thing wouldn’t usually matter, it’s just today when they’re ill. In which case, OK, you’re going to have to take the rough with the smooth.

Otherwise, yeah, there are alternatives.

I read it like this too. It was he gets to go out and I can’t. If I need to stay home he does too. Particularly with the whole irs been since Monday, which was yesterday and oh but he went out for lunch too. Which is quite normal when at the office for a rare visit.

Not everyone is cut out to be a sahm and if you find yourself resentful that this is your life, then it’s best to make plans to try to fix it and not destroy your marriage by being resentful and jealous.

CarefreeMe · 06/12/2022 19:21

What the absolute fuck has happened to MN? Taken over by handmaiden and incels.

Why because posters believe that husbands and wives aren’t joined at the hip and it’s ok to occasionally go out for a drink with friends?

I wonder if OPs friend asked her to meet up, you’d say she shouldn’t as she needs to stay home and help her DH with the kids.

Takenoprisoner · 06/12/2022 19:23

@musingsinmidlife

@Firen

Those scenarios are entirely different though. In your cases, the parent at home was fine coping with it on his own, op isn't, and needs a break. That's why I added, 'and to give their frazzled dh a much needed break'. If the dh in question doesn't need a break, isn't frazzled and is happily coping alone, as in your cases, then of course no need for the other parent to miss out on a night out.

It's also being made to be the default parent op is railing against I think and having extra work landed on her without prior notice.

Plantsplants · 06/12/2022 19:28

Takenoprisoner · 06/12/2022 19:23

@musingsinmidlife

@Firen

Those scenarios are entirely different though. In your cases, the parent at home was fine coping with it on his own, op isn't, and needs a break. That's why I added, 'and to give their frazzled dh a much needed break'. If the dh in question doesn't need a break, isn't frazzled and is happily coping alone, as in your cases, then of course no need for the other parent to miss out on a night out.

It's also being made to be the default parent op is railing against I think and having extra work landed on her without prior notice.

Op doesn't sound frazzled or not coping, just simply annoyed.

Op is the default parent aince she is the sahp. That is quite logical. Like her dh is the default bill payer. The roles are quite clear

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 19:35

NotAHouse · 06/12/2022 19:14

What the absolute fuck has happened to MN? Taken over by handmaiden and incels.

Oh lovely, calling women with a different opinion to you handmaidens

Takenoprisoner · 06/12/2022 20:01

@Plantsplants the sahp is the default parent when the other is at work. Outside of work, childcare and household chores should be shared. The sahp is not the default parent for impromptu nights out, whether with work or otherwise.

Sadbeigechildren · 06/12/2022 20:03

I wouldn't want a man who isn't keen to get home and support his sick children. I certainly wouldn't be enjoying drinks thinking of you all at home.

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 20:11

NotAHouse · 06/12/2022 19:14

What the absolute fuck has happened to MN? Taken over by handmaiden and incels.

thats just cringe, I’m all grown up and if I want to go out for drinks whilst my husband child cares I will and have done and I’ve no issue with him doing rhe same,

hurling abuse won’t change that. Grow up

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/12/2022 20:12

Controlling much? Id be out for longer! Why cant you have another day to yourself and he can go out with his office mates?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 06/12/2022 20:14

Plantsplants · 06/12/2022 18:27

You could always swap the roles...

Absolutely. OP is just throwing her toys out of the pram.

MiddleParking · 06/12/2022 21:02

I just cannot understand why your house needs to be tidied on a Tuesday night in this scenario or why you would willingly cast yourself in the role you now have in this dynamic.

Judgyjudgy · 06/12/2022 21:11

The short notice would annoy me, but let him do it, its good for him to spend time with colleaguesif he's mostly wfh. Tell him tomorrow you're annoyed and why and get him to give you a break over the weekend so you can get done rest.