Are all single mothers this chronically sleep deprived?

[Waxxy]

I'm a lone parent. I get up at 6am, unload the dishwasher, put laundry on, do son's packed lunch etc, get son up and ready for nursery, breakfast together, then off to nursery at 8. Start work at 8:30, finish work at 5 (take a slightly longer lunch break so I can go out for a 30 min walk which is important that I do). Pick son up at 5:30, home by 6. Spend a couple of hours with son, doing snacks etc and put him to bed for 8. Spend 1/1.5 he doing housework/online shop/daily boring stuff, usually sit down at around 9:30 and watch tele/read a book got an hour. Upstairs, Makeup off, sometimes shower, braid hair up (I have afro hair), in bed for 11/11:30. Sometimes takes me an hour or so to fall asleep even if I'm shattered so often still awake at 12/12:30. Have been getting 5.5/6 hours of sleep a night for at least the past year. Usually catch up a little bit on weekends.

I'm groggy all the time, brain fog, feel a bit zombie ish. But not sure where I can get more time from to sleep. If I don't do housework my house would be so messy and mental health would suffer. Am I missing something here? Is this just the norm? Am I just spending way too much time stuff I don't need to in the evenings?

Feel like I massively need to turn my life around if I want to feel human again.

I wonder if you're overtired and that's why it's taking so long for you to sleep. Absolutely lower your very high standards. Mopping every day when you're out all day is ridiculous. Surprised if you need to run the dishwasher every day if there's just two of you etc.

Get some more sleep at least a couple of days during the working week and you'll probably be more efficient at getting things done the other days.

BTW you're being brilliant. Pat yourself on the back, occasionally as you deserve it. It's a lot of work.

You sound like a fantastic parent, but it's no wonder you're tired. You must feel like you're constantly on a treadmill.

How about doing a housework rota, so that everything gets done that needs doing in the week but you're not doing 90 mins a day? That way you'll still feel in control but should be able to get to bed much earlier. Great idea to involve your son and as he gets older he'll be able to go on the rota to empty the dishwater etc.

If it takes you ages to fall asleep then I'd recommend a meditation app or, if that's not your thing, something like the it takes you ages to fall asleep then I'd recommend a meditation app or, if that's not your thing, something like the Nothing Much Happens podcast Nothing Much Happens podcast That always works for me when my mind won't switch off.

I hope you feel a bit better soon 🌻

Something that really helps me is 2 nights a week i go to bed RIDICULOUSLY early. Like 7pm or even earlier. It really revitalises me.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Wood burners often create a lot of dust when emptying. My top tip is robot hoover. Brilliant for getting the fine dust up. I have two one is a mop though so they hoover then mop. Come home to gleaming floors. I just hoover carpeted bits. Damp microfibre cloth over all surfaces. I think possibly you need to come up with more efficient cleaning schedule. Figure out what really needs done daily, what needs done weekly etc. Then work out what is the most effective way to clean it. I always cleaned bathroom whilst supervising little one in the bath. Loo, sink, shower, mirror, skirtings etc. Then when they get out quick clean of the bath. Put robomop in to do the floor.

Be ruthless with clutter, too many clothes etc. and get rid it’s just more to clean. Easy storage for dc stuff. I have colourful felt tubs with handles, chuck kids stuff in sort at weekends

I do this sometimes too. When toddler is tucked up at 7.30 I've been known to skip tea and just crash out at that time! Sometimes my body needs sleep more than food

I think you need to change your routine a little. So instead of spending every evening cleaning, drop the clean one evening (as in mopping floors etc).
Go to bed early that evening, at least one good night sleep and you'll feel much better.

Also, you say laundry every morning, is it possible to change that so it's maybe 4 times a week?

I have a cleaner. Worth every penny. I also leave all laundry to the weekend and do online shopping.

And I went to bed earlier when kids were little. 10pm latest.

Really try and keep a couple of evenings where you don't do any chores at all after your kid goes to bed. It's the relentlessness and squeezing yourself into small corners that's exhausting.

And unless you have a pack of filthy dogs you don't need to mop all the floors daily. That's just busywork.

I mop my kitchen floor once a week 😬 I thought that was normal but maybe I'm disgusting 😂

You sound like an incredible Mum.

You take a long time to fall asleep. Have you tried anything to help with that? I find it helpful to listen to a podcast or a sleep meditation track to fall asleep faster.

You deserve some rest.

I'm married with 6 month old and consistently exhausted, so can completely understand a single mother being exceptionally drained.

Strange that people are so fixated on your house maintenance regimen.

@susiesuelou it really helps doesn't it! Also saves on heating bills those evenings

Some of the replies on here are so dickish I don't know where to start. Being a single working parent is hugely exhausting, I know as I am one, and the reasons aren't just because you do all the duties/chores, and work full-time, you also have the mental pressure of knowing that you can't get sick, that there's no back up plan, that your wage alone is sustaining the household, no-one to step in on the weekend and give you a lie in, no-one to have a laugh with or chat to decompress at the end of the day. It's mentally exhausting as well as physically and that's probably why more single parents are depressed, and live in poverty, than those in couples, statistically. So, have a bit of compassion when posting about this.

On a practical level, OP, I do agree you might have to drop the standards of the home, can you have a cleaner once every two weeks to do the big jobs, and then just do top up cleans in between. you do have to play the long game so going to bed earlier has got to be a priority. Can you write a diary or have a rant to a friend to get all the frustration out before you sleep. you sound like you are running on adrenaline to get everything done, but you may simply burnout. I'd try to take action before that happens (I'm not going to suggest seeing a counsellor in person as that's another bloody job to do if you are a single parent, but what about online/diary/offloading to a friend). you sound like you are doing an amazing job already, but looking after yourself will have to be a priority.

Give yourself a couple of set nights a week that you take yourself off to bed when you've put your son down. Don't need to go straight to sleep bit mentally just rest. Read a book, binge a TV show. Your house won't suffer too much with that and you've got a couple of nights to really look forward to.
It sounds like you're doing an incredible job. Take it easy sometimes.

Thanks everyone. Off to check out some cleaning regimes that specifically help to limit time cleaning. I know 1.5 hours is a lot, but I have so little money that my house has become my everything. I can't afford to take my son out a lot so we spend so much time here and I've just become a bit fixated on it being lovely all the time. I forget that 4yos don't really care.

Can't afford a cleaner or robot vacuum (trust me id love both!).

Falling asleep is difficult mainly because I'm anxious. I have OCD which massively affects my sleep.

Absolutely! It's those odd mega early nights that save me!

Sorry forgot to add, you do sound like an an amazing mum doing your best for your DS. It's tough, but sometimes you have to prioritize you!

@Buteverythingsfine

I literally can't pick out one "dickish" reply?? In fact on the contrary, I've spotted at least 4 "you're doing a fab job / you're a great mum" type comments. Where's the "dickish" comments?

I've only read the OP's post (and the feeling I get is she's getting a bit of a hard time).
OP, I can honestly say that it's only in the last couple of years that I have felt I am getting some proper time to myself and could get enough sleep.
My son is 13 (I also have an adult son).

I have only been a lone parent for 6 years so I don't have quite the same experience.

I work full time, so the only time I could spend with my son was in the evening before he went to bed. That left the time after he was in bed to do all the housework and everything else. Some of this was my choice - I do a lot of sport and so I take myself off for a run at lunch time; a time when I could do housework or admin (I WFH). I could have skipped it, but it made me very sad to think I couldn't even carve an hour out of each day to do something I love and is very important to me.

I have some caring responsibilities which take up some time as well.

It does get easier.

You do seem to be doing a lot of laundry though, and maybe you don't need the dishwasher every day? You can't be making much laundry and dirty dishes each day if you are both out of the house.

I am afraid I forfeit sleep in favour of having an hour where I am off duty in the evening.

OP - I hear you, it's really hard. I think sometimes when you're exhausted the little things take ages because you're exhausted if you see what I mean. So I agree with PPs maybe sleep is the thing to prioritise. Also hear you on not being able to sleep when you're exhausted. I really struggle with this too. I dread the moment immediately before I fall asleep. Could you leave all but the minimum jobs a couple of days a week and just prioritise getting an early night or do something which helps you relax?

@susiesuelou some of the initial comments in the thread seemed very unsupportive to me. I'm not picking out individual people. Later on, people seemed to realise being a single working mum is a hard shout full stop. It's not some defect on the part of the OP!

Lower your standards. it's the only way.

I don't sleep well, however, so totally relate to you. Permanently sleep deprived but my house is messy too!

@Waxxy

I relate.

Get your iron and vit D levels checked asap. Game changer for me.

and skip full on wash day every now and then - also Afro hair here

@Buteverythingsfine

Fair enough some of the earlier ones aren't great I agree, but lots of compassion and support too.

I've been a FT working (and studying) single parent. It's brutal. I'm not a single parent now but due to my partner's work I essentially do 100% of the childcare and home life admin (as well as work 4 days a week) for half of the month. So whilst financially I'm not on a par with a single parent as we have two incomes, on a practical level it's on me half the time. And it's fucking draining. So personally, I have nothing but sympathy for OP. But I do think there are small ways she could help herself here. I'd go insane with 1.5 hours of cleaning every evening, I just could not sustain that on top of my already packed routine. But I don't have OCD, so I imagine it's easier for me to say that.

Lower your standards. it's the only way.

Probably easier said than done with OCD.