Are all single mothers this chronically sleep deprived?

[Waxxy]

I'm a lone parent. I get up at 6am, unload the dishwasher, put laundry on, do son's packed lunch etc, get son up and ready for nursery, breakfast together, then off to nursery at 8. Start work at 8:30, finish work at 5 (take a slightly longer lunch break so I can go out for a 30 min walk which is important that I do). Pick son up at 5:30, home by 6. Spend a couple of hours with son, doing snacks etc and put him to bed for 8. Spend 1/1.5 he doing housework/online shop/daily boring stuff, usually sit down at around 9:30 and watch tele/read a book got an hour. Upstairs, Makeup off, sometimes shower, braid hair up (I have afro hair), in bed for 11/11:30. Sometimes takes me an hour or so to fall asleep even if I'm shattered so often still awake at 12/12:30. Have been getting 5.5/6 hours of sleep a night for at least the past year. Usually catch up a little bit on weekends.

I'm groggy all the time, brain fog, feel a bit zombie ish. But not sure where I can get more time from to sleep. If I don't do housework my house would be so messy and mental health would suffer. Am I missing something here? Is this just the norm? Am I just spending way too much time stuff I don't need to in the evenings?

Feel like I massively need to turn my life around if I want to feel human again.

I can imagine being a working single parent is one of the toughest things ever. You have my sympathies op.

Wow I think you are doing incredible and teach your son to live to a nice standard. Maybe make one evening where you do a little less, and take some you time. And out of a task and relax and have a bath. It's there wind down time you are missing out on. You are doing so much for you and your son. Don't forget to look after you. You really deserve it. As long as there's no rats and mould growing, things can wait another day or so 😘 xxx

I'm not a single parent but I do 95% of the parenting to my two DC. I have learned to do housework whilst my kids are doing other things e.g. clean bathroom while they're playing in the tub, fold laundry whilst they jump on the bed or read books, get my toddler to empty washing machine and load tumble dryer (she can do it independently and is 2.5 years old) whilst I wash up.

Some tasks I just do as much as feasible in 10 minute bursts. It eases a lot of the anxiety if not all. I pick things up all the time.

But there are days I just don't do it and go to bed early.

Go to bed when your child goes to bed for a few nights in a row. It’s a game changer. You can watch tv on your phone/read in bed but I bet you’ll fall asleep fast.

I have more children than you and only do 3 or 4 laundry loads a week (including sheets and towels). I sweep/hoover once a week. It doesn’t matter if there are some crumbs etc.

I don’t follow it, but the organised mum method makes sense to me (google it if you haven’t heard about it - think it’s 30 mins housework a day and nothing at weekends).

If it's just 2 of you, you don't need to do laundry every day or empty the dishwasher, so that's a chunk of time in the morning.
1.5h cleaning every day? That is waaay more that I would be doing, your both out all day, what on earth could need doing that takes that long? Don't martyr yourself, as a pp said go to bed the same time as your son for a few days, catch up on your sleep and see if that helps at all.

Yes it’s really tough being responsible for everything and everyone, feeling like you have to keep the house in order and to high standard so that you don’t feel like you’re failing.

I feel the same right now OP. Just overwhelmed and never able to switch off. I have no words of wisdom, just solidarity.

I don't think you need to mop every day.

Could you buy a robot vacuum or robot mop?

Agree with PP who suggested doing bits of housework while DC is awake. Going to bed at 9pm twice a week and getting a solid 9 hours in before 6am might change your whole outlook.

Can you afford a cleaner a couple of times a week OP? Taking some of the housework burden off sounds like it might free up a lot of time.

Seriously just sack off some of the housework. Do your floors really need mopping daily when neither of you are at home? Why do you need to do daily laundry if there's only two of you - are you one of those people that washes their towel after every use?

I have pretty high standards for cleaning but during the week I just accept my home will not look like a show home. As long as the kitchen is left clean every night and things look vaguely tidy it's fine. Then I do a big clean at the weekend.

Also maybe multitask a bit more? Eg braid your hair and remove makeup while watching TV.

I don’t understand why everyone is being so scathing about it taking an hour and a half to do chores. It takes me that long. But also I couldn’t keep it up, so now I just live with the mess and feel guilty about it all the time!

Why are you being so nasty to OP?

Yeah, it takes me an hour a day if I want things to be perfect. I also have to mop daily because my baby is a food flinger! I do wonder of OP could clean more efficiently (maybe a system like the organised mum method?) or lower her standards slightly just to get more of a break though. It's a lot to do on your own.

That wasn’t nasty.

my point was some get worried that school will represent more stress

but the op isn’t worried about this

And that’s at least a positive

It's all about priorities OP. You are important because you are steering the ship, so you need to make your rest a higher priority.

Sounds like you are trying to do too much which might be unsustainable longer term.

I would drop some tasks to every other day/every 3 days and prioritise your relaxation time, self care and sleep.

Robot vac/mop is a good shout.

Maybe you could do a bit of batch cooking at the weekend or get into a habit of making a bit extra to freeze (or eat the next evening if you don't have a freezer). Then you have some days when you don't have to cook.

Hope you get your rest, you sound like a great mum.

You really need to prioritise getting more sleep because eventually it will catch up with you and won't be a choice anymore. It's better to nip it in the bud now, than wait until you have total burn out.
Some nights there is more to do, no doubt there are days when there are lots of housework to catch up on, and hair to wash and braid, but that's not everyday. You could alternate between later and earlier nights, cut back a little on housework and you could gain half an hour or so sleep every night. There are many things single parents have to cut corners on, but sleep shouldn't be the one. It you're struggling to drop off to sleep is it because your anxious and mind racing? How is your mood generally? Do you ever get a break?

How old are you?

You aren't sleeping well - struggling to get to and stay asleep. I would try and address that.

Are you too "awake" from the cleaning, anxious, too much sugar/chocolate/caffeine. Hormonal cause if you could be peri-menopausal so early 40s?

I sleep 5-6 broken hours due to hormones and it's utterly shit. Always tired and sugar craving.

Slept like a log when I had young children only 7 hours but it was bloody wonderful.

I'm not a single parent but partner works away / long shifts so I do a lot of the home stuff myself. I work 4 days a week and have a 2 hour commute every day (1 hr each way) - I start work at 8am so have to leave the house by 7am every day. I have a toddler who I drop off at nursery on route to work and I also pick up every day due to partner's unsocial hours. I get home around 5.30 (after leaving work at 4.30), I do a snack with my toddler (she eats tea at nursery), then bath at 6/6.30 latest, then her bedtime anywhere from 7-7.30 depending how tired she is. By 8pm I literally only have the energy to make her packed lunch for the next day, eat my tea (usually something crap as I can't be bothered), shower and bed around 9/9.30 latest. Not a chance I could do 1.5 hrs of housework on top of that! I load the dishwasher and maybe put a wash on etc, but anything bigger than that gets done at the weekend or on my day off.

Mine are teenagers so I think that helps a bit as they're more independent and can help more.

I'd definitely recommend lowering the housework standards. I get what you mean about it affecting your mental health though so work out what needs to be done and what can be done less often. For example, I can cope with not cleaning the bathroom properly often as long as it's tidy. In the kitchen, I can cope with not mopping the floors as long as I keep the worktops clean and sweep the floor occasionally.

Forgot to add that if I'm in bed any later than 10pm I really struggle with the 5.30 get up the next day. I mean, really struggle. I couldn't go to bed as late as you OP, I'd be a literal zombie 😴

Hi Op sounds like you need to get to bed earlier.
I did all the post dinner clearing up,before bath/ bed time.
Then 2 hours rest for you, shower and bed by 10pm
Whizz round and get it done in 15 min bursts.
You don't need to spend 2 hours per night 1:1 with your DS,he will be fine with you pottering around.
Dishwasher on and emptied before you go to bed
Lunches packed and in the fridge the night before,clothes/ bag ready.
Laundry, one big wash at the weekend, if you are running out get more basics.
Sleep should be a priority as you will become unwell

Please try to prioritise sleep. You are packing such an impressive amount into your day, but it sounds like you might just need to lower standards/ cut a bit out/ move sleep time to earlier in the day??

I was the same - when I was on my own with my DD as a single parent - but sleep deprivation eventually caught up with me and I became stressed and unwell..

Really hope things improve for you.

Lone parent of 3 who works full time. Yes its full on and I'm always tired but I'm always in bed for 10pm. Set your washer on timer to finish for when your up so just need to hang it up. Pack ups done the night before and lower your cleaning standards. It doesn't need to be mopped daily if you're not in. Online shopping shouldn't take that long to do. Amazon prime is your friend. There is so much you can do to reduce the stress.

Prioritise better drop so much housework and get in bed when your son goes to bed.

Cut it down to 2 laundry washes a week - you can wear clothes more than once. And move to doing a couple of hours of housework at the weekend only. I rarely do housework - slightly messy and grubby house, but it's worth it. But you still have the problem of not sleeping - insomnia is a killer and you need to deal with that.