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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend crossed the line with my daughter

130 replies

chandie · 05/12/2022 18:36

I'm not happy about it.

She had my DD in an emergency for me. DD is 10 months old and breastfed, but eats a lot and drinks from a bottle no problem

I was gone for just 2.5 hours.

When I returned, my friends had said to me 'sorry but I did feed her Blush she just seemed really unsettled and like she needed to nurse'

I was shocked, and asked why she would do that? If she's hungry give her the food I'd left, or her bottle

She said yea but she just wanted comfort. I said I wasn't even gone that long

She has now taken to a Facebook group called 'Breastfeeding Yummy mummies UK' and slagged me off. Loads of people backing her saying I've got the problem.

Now, I'm not against breastfeeding, I fed DS until age 3. But I don't want someone else feeding her and shouldn't have to explicitly explain that before leaving her with someone who can breastfeed surely? Envy

OP posts:
Mrs25mls · 06/12/2022 02:58

YANBU.

I name changed for this. If you know you know…. I was part of that group- and BYFM off topic.
In the off topic group, I ended up being the ‘top contributor’ - I posted loads. Sort of like a blog style in the end… I had a lot of support.
one day out of the blue, the admin kicked me out… what followed was crazzzzy.
Lots of people were outraged with how I was removed. So they started to question the admins - they were removed too.
It got to the point, that they removed just under 500 people - they followed my public blog page and if anyone so much as said ‘really missing you on BFYM’ or ‘what happened on that group?’ They are removed. I ended up making my own breastfeeding group, and they sent ‘spies’ in and ended up doing a post saying anyone found from their group in mine would be removed, and they had to ‘choose.’

They also made both groups ‘secret’ for a while so no one could join due to the drama.

It certainly in cult like… and all my posts, to my knowledge, are still on there….

Itsabitnotcold · 06/12/2022 04:42

I feel like she's done it to make a point. It wasn't necessary, baby wasn't even crying, she could have asked. Seems very deliberate to me to try to show you as a prude or something.

Original poster
chandie · 06/12/2022 06:06

RunLolaRun102 · 05/12/2022 23:59

I have bf friends kids but only after I was begged to. I’d never even think of doing it otherwise. My breasts are for my baby - from a purely practical level I wouldn’t want to waste that precious milk on others kids.

It's not wasting milk though, your body just produces more? Complete supply and demand

Anyway that doesn't excuse her but still Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
chandie · 06/12/2022 06:07

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/12/2022 01:15

Breastfeeding a child that's not yours? Breastfeeding your child until 3yrs?

A lot going on

Why is there 'a lot going on?' Confused I breastfed my child until 3.

What's someone unrelated and not me feeding my baby daughter got anything to do with me feeding my other child?

OP posts:
Original poster
chandie · 06/12/2022 06:10

Mrs25mls · 06/12/2022 02:58

YANBU.

I name changed for this. If you know you know…. I was part of that group- and BYFM off topic.
In the off topic group, I ended up being the ‘top contributor’ - I posted loads. Sort of like a blog style in the end… I had a lot of support.
one day out of the blue, the admin kicked me out… what followed was crazzzzy.
Lots of people were outraged with how I was removed. So they started to question the admins - they were removed too.
It got to the point, that they removed just under 500 people - they followed my public blog page and if anyone so much as said ‘really missing you on BFYM’ or ‘what happened on that group?’ They are removed. I ended up making my own breastfeeding group, and they sent ‘spies’ in and ended up doing a post saying anyone found from their group in mine would be removed, and they had to ‘choose.’

They also made both groups ‘secret’ for a while so no one could join due to the drama.

It certainly in cult like… and all my posts, to my knowledge, are still on there….

Sorry Flowers the reason is probably laughable but do you know why you were banned?

OP posts:
Aussiegirl123456 · 06/12/2022 06:28

She truly overstepped the mark.
I am still breastfeeding my 3 year old. I’d never in a million years feed anyone else’s child without their permission, and I’d fee pretty violated if one of my friends sneakily breastfed my child. To then post to Facebook and make out you’re the strange one is a whole new level of strange. She’s not your friend.

Cw112 · 06/12/2022 06:30

That's strange, I breastfeed and totally see it as a natural thing but I would only feed my own baby that way andid feel reallyuncomfortable with someone else feeding my baby that way. I'd completely understand if something had happened with the food/bottle you left and it was a last resort rather than dd going hungry, but not when you've left other food for her to use and not at an age where shes weaned onto solids. Even if your friend was sleep deprived and did it on autopilot I could sort of get but then I think she'd be better just saying that rather than that she intentionally decided to do it rather than give the food you had left. It sounds like she didn't know how else to comfort your child which would make me reluctant to let her watch him again. She should have just accepted she made a poor judgement, that its your final say as the parent regardless of her opinion and apologised rather than continued to be defensive about it.

Cherrysoup · 06/12/2022 07:19

Very, very wrong of her.

Doingmybest12 · 06/12/2022 07:50

I would distance myself. She had her own motive for doing this which wasn't about the welfare of your child or you. That would end the friendship for me unless she profusely apologised for lapse of judgement and I believed her . Even then I don't think I could trust her.

BatshitBanshee · 06/12/2022 09:03

I don't think I could stop myself from throttling her. It is an assault on my child in my eyes, she did it because she could and couldn't be stopped. Never asked permission or your feelings on it. Totally fucking batshit.

Mrs25mls · 06/12/2022 09:05

chandie · 06/12/2022 06:10

Sorry Flowers the reason is probably laughable but do you know why you were banned?

Show quote history

Yes, I was ‘too much’ for the group sharing my mental health battles … 😬

PurpleButterflyWings · 06/12/2022 09:25

Ewww, I do think that is grim. Confused I agree with you @chandie . What she did was grossly intrusive and inappropriate. I'd be absolutely fucking furious and cutting all ties with her (and this Facebook group.) To honest with you, I'd be blocking her on Facebook - and anybody else that has slagged you off on that Facebook group. That's a really personal intimate thing to do to BREASTFEED someone else's baby, and doing it without their permission.....??? What the actual FUCK? I'd have been absolutely steaming. Hmm

You don't know if this woman has any kind of disease, or what she has in her milk, if she's been boozing or smoking or taking any kind of meds. WTF? How is ANYONE OK with this?!

The yummy mummies on that facebook page are probably the same kind of tribe who start massive petitions on there to try and overule descisons made by the high court. I think you know what I mean. Wink

Endlesssummer2022 · 06/12/2022 09:26

I’d be livid. I admit I have some health anxieties particularly around HIV and hepatitis (grew up with all these scary ‘don’t die of ignorance’ adverts) and I’d view this as assault. In no other area of life would someone be able to put bodily fluids into a non consenting person and have it laughed off. I’d demand she get tests for communicable diseases and if not I’d go to the police.

Grapewrath · 06/12/2022 09:27

So wrong! She’s insane

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/12/2022 09:30

Sorry she breastfed your baby? In what planet is that remotely acceptable - I could never imagine sticking my boob in another child’s mouth.

mamabear715 · 06/12/2022 09:33

That is weird.. :-(

allthelittlelights · 06/12/2022 09:47

Completely unacceptable and violating. As a last resort if something had happened to the food you left, she should call you and ask before anything. I could not be friends with this person.

Billslills · 06/12/2022 10:17

Another vote for this is a police matter. I feel violated on your behalf, and your baby’s behalf.

xogossipgirlxo · 06/12/2022 10:26

She's disgusting. How on Earth is this normal in our culture to comfort someone's baby with your own breastmilk without mother's consent? Some women went crazy with breastfeeding thing, I swear to God.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/12/2022 11:18

Did anyone see the Brazilian policewoman who breastfed a starving baby she found abandoned? That to me is the only time this is acceptable. They’re fucking bat shit and I wonder what they will all do to affirm themselves once their child rearing years are over. Probably become insane doulas/mediums.

StollenAway · 06/12/2022 11:44

What your friend did was wrong. I think this is an unusual unanimous agreement on AIBU!

However. It’s not wrong per se to breastfeed another person’s baby. It’s not only acceptable if a baby is found starving on the street. If the baby’s mother and the other mother and the baby are all happy with it then why not? It’s common practice in some cultures. I always felt reassured leaving my bottle refusing baby with best friend knowing that she would feed her if needed.

And you aren’t going to ‘stuff your boob’ into any baby’s mouth. Especially an older baby. They are going to latch or not as they please!

Milly2022 · 06/12/2022 20:46

I would go ballistic. That is bang out of order. She had no right whatsoever. YANBU, she definitely was.

Rowen32 · 06/12/2022 21:15

That is absolutely disgusting and horrifying and I would not be able to get past it. What an incredibly intrusive breaking of boundaries for you and your baby xx

OrlaCarmichael · 11/12/2022 22:03

@StollenAway

I really like your measured response to this situation

Underanothersky · 12/12/2022 09:52

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/12/2022 11:18

Did anyone see the Brazilian policewoman who breastfed a starving baby she found abandoned? That to me is the only time this is acceptable. They’re fucking bat shit and I wonder what they will all do to affirm themselves once their child rearing years are over. Probably become insane doulas/mediums.

It's entirely acceptable if the mother agrees.

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