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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner is barely working AIBU?

76 replies

alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 18:30

I have always been fiercely independent. I’m a home owner and business owner and never wanted to rely on someone else. I have never mixed my finances with my partners’ and as long as he is able to pay his rent (he lives with me) then I believe it’s up to him how much he works/ earns. But now I am pregnant. I’m working my arse off, despite going through a rough first trimester, because I want to have as much money saved so that I can continue paying my mortgage and have money for myself when I take a bit of time off. I have told my partner that we need to both be saving as much as we possibly can before the baby comes because my income will be lower. I am almost half way through my pregnancy now, and some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming. He’s self employed and doing absolutely nothing to increase his work hours. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I guess confirmation that I’m allowed to tell him to up his game. This is all alien to me, being in my 30s and having never told a partner how much he should work or earn. For the record this was an unplanned but very much wanted pregnancy.

OP posts:

smileandsing · 05/12/2022 18:35

Prepare for more of this, along with him expecting to you to do the hard work with looking after the baby. My advice would be maintain your financial independence and DO NOT marry him. Prepare for a difficult time to come and consider the possibility of going it alone should he fail to step up. I wish you luck and I hope he wishes up

smileandsing · 05/12/2022 18:36

*I hope he wises up

TrotOnMinty · 05/12/2022 18:41

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting him to work, but he’s not going to.

Are you prepared to leave him? It’s going to get an awful lot worse.

Coolhand2 · 05/12/2022 18:48

Maybe open a joint account and call it baby expenses, both of you contribute to it. Then you might have some peace.

magicalorange · 05/12/2022 18:51

I don't think he sounds like a good person to have a child with.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/12/2022 18:53

magicalorange · 05/12/2022 18:51

I don't think he sounds like a good person to have a child with.

Bit fucking late now!

MintJulia · 05/12/2022 18:54

Make a few enquiries about how much a nursery place will cost full time, show your dp, and tell him he will need to pay half.

See how he reacts. I think you may need to plan to raise you child alone.

hollyjolls · 05/12/2022 18:55

YANBU. I can only imagine how useless he is going to be with the baby once they arrive. Have you got family and friends to help support you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2022 18:56

Is he paying his half of the rent and bills at the moment? He must be very well paid if so.

Sounds like he could become an expensive pet while you’re juggling a baby and keeping your finances in check.

How much parenting are you expecting him to do given he can’t be arsed to pitch in properly now? Is he going to try and wrangle being a SAHP while gaming all day?

I wish you luck because he won’t change unless he wants to and he doesn’t want to.

Iwanttoslowdown · 05/12/2022 18:57

Joint account. Expectations of shared costs. Do not put him on your mortgage. Don’t give up your ability to earn. Doesn’t sound like a partnership and he’s having a nice life with you carrying it all.

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 18:58

You have very different attitudes to money and security. That's a big incompatibility, especially with a child in the mix. Its likely to be a constant source argument and growing resentment.

The only way I can imagine this working is if he takes on the child care burden, leaving you to return to work full-time. But as he is a lazy fucker, is he likely to want to do that?

In your planning you definitely need to arrange things so that you always have the option of breaking up with him.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/12/2022 18:59

Has he always been like this but now that you have a baby on the way is when you want him to change? You say in your post as long as he paid the rent all else was up to him vis a vis his monetary affairs.

Clymene · 05/12/2022 18:59

You've chosen to have a baby with a manchild. YABU to expect him to suddenly become an adult because you're pregnant.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 18:59

I would probably get rid now, as it’ll only be harder once you have a child.

The thing is you can’t just tell people to do things like work more as they won’t if they don’t want to. You have to be able to back it up by leaving if they don’t respond reasonably (and it is a reasonable thing to ask)

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 18:59

Doesn’t sound like a partnership and he’s having a nice life with you carrying it all
And this.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 19:00

Feel free to tell him anything you want, but know that nothing will changing here. What you see is what you get, and it's a shame you had such low expectations from the very beginning.

RandomPerson42 · 05/12/2022 19:01

You are selfishly keeping your finances separate so you have no grounds to comment imho. He is just being selfish like you. The fact you say he pays “rent” tells me you are not committed.

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 19:02

Clymene · 05/12/2022 18:59

You've chosen to have a baby with a manchild. YABU to expect him to suddenly become an adult because you're pregnant.

This is harsh but essentially true.

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:03

Does he actually need to work more in order to cover his existing rent commitment to you, and a fair increase in his contribution whilst your earnings are less?

Everyone has their own view in worklife balance.

I would take a different approach. I wouldn’t tell him vaguely that he should be saving. I would tell him specifically - the 50/50 split that we have on bills now needs to be 70/30 you whilst I’m on maternity leave and earning less. That’s the fight (if it comes to fight) to have. Obviously made up split.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 05/12/2022 19:04

The pregnancy doesn't sound like a surprise to me.
Sorry but you've chosen a loser to father your child.

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:05

RandomPerson42 · 05/12/2022 19:01

You are selfishly keeping your finances separate so you have no grounds to comment imho. He is just being selfish like you. The fact you say he pays “rent” tells me you are not committed.

What a load of tripe! It’s not selfish for both parties to agree to keep finances separate, and it’s not uncommitted to take a contribution to the household (nominally called rent).

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2022 19:05

You are selfishly keeping your finances separate so you have no grounds to comment imho. He is just being selfish like you. The fact you say he pays “rent” tells me you are not committed.

It's absolutely ok for romantic partners to structure their finances how they like as long as one isn't trying to trap, limit, or financially abuse the other.

Anyone with a good salary and their own home/assets would be foolish to hand them over to someone who is lazy and wants an easy ride in life.

The OP's DP isn't going to grow up just because she's pregnant and he's probably going to expect the OP to continue working all hours and doing the childcare and domestic work whilst he does a few hours work a day and games.

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 19:08

YABU for choosing to have a child with him.
The house isn't in his name, you're not married. His duty is to the child and it's not a lot at all in maintenance. What a foolish, foolish set up.
He likes you being the breadwinner so I hope you weren't hoping to take full maternity or be a SAHM.

PeekAtYou · 05/12/2022 19:08

Yabu to not discuss this before ttc. My guess is that he's hasn't got a clue how much things like nursery cost, never mind how much more of the bills that he will have to pay. Be prepared for him to volunteer SAHP since he's not working very much

CarefreeMe · 05/12/2022 19:10

Where does he live?

If it’s with you does he help pay the mortgage?

You can’t change the person he is.

I would suggest a joint account and putting 50% in each to pay for all of the baby things.

If he still doesn’t increase his workload once baby is here then he’ll have to be the SAHP who takes care of the baby and majority of the housework, whilst you go back to work FT.

Honestly though, I can’t see this relationship lasting.

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