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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner is barely working AIBU?

76 replies

alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 18:30

I have always been fiercely independent. I’m a home owner and business owner and never wanted to rely on someone else. I have never mixed my finances with my partners’ and as long as he is able to pay his rent (he lives with me) then I believe it’s up to him how much he works/ earns. But now I am pregnant. I’m working my arse off, despite going through a rough first trimester, because I want to have as much money saved so that I can continue paying my mortgage and have money for myself when I take a bit of time off. I have told my partner that we need to both be saving as much as we possibly can before the baby comes because my income will be lower. I am almost half way through my pregnancy now, and some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming. He’s self employed and doing absolutely nothing to increase his work hours. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I guess confirmation that I’m allowed to tell him to up his game. This is all alien to me, being in my 30s and having never told a partner how much he should work or earn. For the record this was an unplanned but very much wanted pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 20:37

Thank you for your responses everyone - all very insightful and they have given me a lot to think about. I have a lot of family support and therefore nursery expenses aren’t a factor that we need to consider - we are very fortunate in that respect. Obviously the pregnancy is happening, and I am over the moon. If we had planned this I would have definitely had these things and conversations in place before hand. I’ve never been in a position where I will need to rely on someone else financially before, but I understand that a baby is going to majorly change this (at least initially)! I’m going to work out exactly what I will be getting each month, what the outgoings are per month and how much he will need to contribute.
Until now we split the mortgage costs, bills and all food. We also split cooking, cleaning etc so he’s not useless as I may have made him out to be. I guess it is just our priorities are different when it comes to finances and saving for the future. IMO now is the perfect time to get some extra money to prepare us for the next stage which no doubt will be financially unstable for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 20:38

Yeah that’s what I mean, take the pressure and mental load off of myself.

OP posts:
Jinglehop · 05/12/2022 20:39

Oh dear. Don’t get a joint bank account as others have said. Keep finances separate and keep your financial independence as you may possibly end up raising this child alone. That said, he needs a wake up call re financial costs and parental responsibility. Have you had a word with his parents? They have raised a man child, let them talk to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 20:40

I'd be making plans based on you being a single parent.

Jinglehop · 05/12/2022 20:40

Just read your post. Things will be financially ‘unstable’ for at least 18-20 years now.

Herejustforthisone · 05/12/2022 20:43

Well, he sounds very disappointing. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to structure things to make it easy for him and so he knows what is needed, but it looks like you’re going to have to. And he’s going to be a father. Christ.

MrViewPoint · 05/12/2022 20:43

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it looked like the work of a troll

TrotOnMinty · 05/12/2022 20:44

I have a lot of family support and therefore nursery expenses aren’t a factor that we need to consider

So your family will be minding your child while your boyfriend games all day?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 21:03

TrotOnMinty · 05/12/2022 20:44

I have a lot of family support and therefore nursery expenses aren’t a factor that we need to consider

So your family will be minding your child while your boyfriend games all day?

My thoughts exactly. You can't even be serious that your family will be caring for your child when their father is on his arse gaming. With how little he works, you shouldn't even need to burden your family with providing childcare.

samyeagar · 05/12/2022 21:04

This is a tough one because it appears as if the relationship dynamic has been built around independence and non-reliance from the very beginning. And now that dynamic is going to have to change.

whomoon · 05/12/2022 21:05

He is contributing to your mortgage. Not paying rent.
hopefully he’s not clued up enough to know that if he were to leave, he could make a claim to some of the equity in your house, seeing as he’s been contributing to it…
please read up on this.

MrViewPoint · 05/12/2022 21:05

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it looked like the work of a troll

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2022 21:11

I'm in similar position. My wife is on 50% sick pay and wanting to reduce down to three days from full time. This represents a pay cut for me. Can't believe she thinks this is acceptable.
You're either clueless or on the wind up

It's fairly obvious that one partner being unwell long term who might need to make adjustments to their working pattern isn't the same as someone who is perfectly able to work choosing not to work because they'd rather sit gaming. 🙄

MrViewPoint · 05/12/2022 21:20

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murasaki · 05/12/2022 21:32

@MrViewPoint I do hope you are joking. If more spending is by women, it is because they often get lumbered with the food shop, are the only person to notice that the bog roll is running out, you.need new bedding etc.....

murasaki · 05/12/2022 21:34

Also being sick is not the same as being a dosser .

MrViewPoint · 05/12/2022 21:40

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Mantisdrax · 05/12/2022 21:43

Throw the cocklodger out

Naunet · 05/12/2022 21:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it looked like the work of a troll

This isn’t Reddit mate, move along and stop trying to derail/summon a pity party. 🙄

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 06/12/2022 06:43

He sounds like a kid

mach2 · 06/12/2022 06:46

I think that while it was just the two of them, fine. Now there will be a baby - this changes things dramatically. They don't have to merge finances, marry, share house deeds etc. They don't even have to stay together "for the sake of the baby".

What should happen is that the father takes his share of the responsibility, however that is done.

tabulahrasa · 06/12/2022 07:00

Without knowing how much he makes and whether working more hours in a day would actually be both possible and earn him more... it’s a bit hard to tell whether it’s an issue or not tbh.

Helpwithdaughterpls · 06/12/2022 07:05

Do not get married and do not give your work. Brace yourself for him to be lazy with the baby too.

Good luck OP, baby is lucky to have you!

spare123 · 06/12/2022 07:08

Oh dear. You're having a baby with a man-child. Are you early enough still to have options about the pregnancy? Do you really want to be tied to this boy for 18 years?

Bog · 06/12/2022 07:19

Oh wow he helps pay towards the dog. Give that man a pat on the back and a blowie.
Fuck sake OP, have a word with yourself. Kick this loser out unless you fancy effectively looking after two children.