Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner is barely working AIBU?

76 replies

alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 18:30

I have always been fiercely independent. I’m a home owner and business owner and never wanted to rely on someone else. I have never mixed my finances with my partners’ and as long as he is able to pay his rent (he lives with me) then I believe it’s up to him how much he works/ earns. But now I am pregnant. I’m working my arse off, despite going through a rough first trimester, because I want to have as much money saved so that I can continue paying my mortgage and have money for myself when I take a bit of time off. I have told my partner that we need to both be saving as much as we possibly can before the baby comes because my income will be lower. I am almost half way through my pregnancy now, and some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming. He’s self employed and doing absolutely nothing to increase his work hours. I don’t know what I’m asking for here, I guess confirmation that I’m allowed to tell him to up his game. This is all alien to me, being in my 30s and having never told a partner how much he should work or earn. For the record this was an unplanned but very much wanted pregnancy.

OP posts:
Testina · 05/12/2022 19:10

@PeekAtYou why would you have a pre-TTC conversation when you’re not TTC? It’s an accidental pregnancy.

BoredBrit89 · 05/12/2022 19:11

Unfortunately men like that just don’t change and actually get worse when babies arrive. It’s not your fault of course and do not beat yourself up about it like some posters are suggesting. However be prepared to do absolutely everything, you will be earning the money, raising the child, taking care of everything house related. Whether you put up with him or not is your choice.

The biggest mistake you could make is to think he will change when the baby comes.

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:12

"Where does he live?

If it’s with you does he help pay the mortgage?”

@CarefreeMe both are answered in the OP.

slowquickstep · 05/12/2022 19:12

And you chose to co-habit with a little boy that loves to play on a games console rather than work and yet you chose him to be the father of your child, why?

Imogensmumma · 05/12/2022 19:15

Make sure your property is watertight under your name, maybe see a lawyer to ring fence ( don’t know enough about it to be sure if needed as you are not married) the property.

Not sure you can make him work more just ensure everything you buy he pays half of, the sooner her understands the increased costs the better

Rinatinabina · 05/12/2022 19:17

Sorry I think he basically thinks he’s sorted that you’ll keep him because he’s the childs father. Put him out would be my advice. Either he’ll have a short sharp shock and wise up or he won’t. Do it now before you are the sole earner in your house and you are using your maternity leave savings to fund him.

If he were a normal man he’d be working his ass off too and making baby to do lists and looking after you.

Original poster
alwaysoutdoors · 05/12/2022 19:17

For the record, we have a dog and he pays half and also very much contributes to half of our dogs care.

To those saying I’m silly/ selfish keeping my finances separate, I disagree, I will always want to be in a position to leave if I wanted to, no matter how good or strong the relationship. Maybe that’s just be but that’s important to me.

@Testina I like the idea of telling him exactly what he’s going to need to put in each month + making a joint account for baby related expenses. This takes the pressure off of how much he is working as long as he knows he’s in a position to pay X amount. I completely get that this isn’t necessarily conventional, but I also disagree with my friends who have married and rely on their husbands to fund them completely.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 19:20

This takes the pressure off of how much he is working as long as he knows he’s in a position to pay X amount.

Why are you concerned about taking pressure off of him? He's not a child. He should feel pressured to get off his arse and support his family.

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:21

Everyone is jumping on his gaming and part time work without any actual info.

My female friend is a massive gamer. She’s also a contractor in IT and earns a fuckton and can pick her hours. She likes to work part time and yeah - she games a lot in the extra time she has.

Just because he games and works part time some days doesn’t mean he’s a loser or a cocklodger. He may be… but it’s far from certain.

Like I said, be specific in what his responsibility is, during your reduced earnings period and then around things like childcare cost. Maybe he can afford to contribute fairly and work part time and game.

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2022 19:22

Why is he not suitable to mix finances with but suitable to have a baby with?
I think you need to plan how you can be a single parent, unless you could discuss him being a sahp - if that works for you all of course?

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:23

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 19:20

This takes the pressure off of how much he is working as long as he knows he’s in a position to pay X amount.

Why are you concerned about taking pressure off of him? He's not a child. He should feel pressured to get off his arse and support his family.

I didn’t read that as taking the pressure him working, but taking the pressure off the OP monitoring / worrying about it. If they agree what each other’s fair contribution is, then it’s his choice whether he can afford that now, needs to work more hours, or needs to cut back from other sources.

Watchthesunrise · 05/12/2022 19:30

🙅some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming 🙅

Clymene · 05/12/2022 19:31

Testina · 05/12/2022 19:21

Everyone is jumping on his gaming and part time work without any actual info.

My female friend is a massive gamer. She’s also a contractor in IT and earns a fuckton and can pick her hours. She likes to work part time and yeah - she games a lot in the extra time she has.

Just because he games and works part time some days doesn’t mean he’s a loser or a cocklodger. He may be… but it’s far from certain.

Like I said, be specific in what his responsibility is, during your reduced earnings period and then around things like childcare cost. Maybe he can afford to contribute fairly and work part time and game.

You have a very low bar.

as long as he is able to pay his rent (he lives with me) then I believe it’s up to him how much he works/ earns is what the OP said.

Is there any indication he's financially solvent apart from in your head?

Watchthesunrise · 05/12/2022 19:35

This is a financial conversation, not a LTB conversation. Whilst he's a gamer (annoying) and lazy (which is probably a pattern he'll take forward into fatherhood) he's not necessarily a total lost cause. So, financial conversation:

(1) Darling let's sit down to work out together how much our weekly expenses are going to be when baby is newborn, when it's 6 months, a year
(2) Let's work out our working arrangements (darling are you going to be a SAHD, and if not, how will you provide for us during this time?)
(3) Let's figure out how to fill the financial hole and boost our savings. Will you be stepping up your work hours?

CarefreeMe · 05/12/2022 19:37

both are answered in the OP.

Thanks. I don’t know how I missed that.

FWIW I too am a gamer and that is my hobby and what I enjoy.

But I do work FT and only game once work and household/child stuff is done.

It’s fine for him to be a gamer, as long as he’s pulling his weight financially, mentally and physically.

FrownedUpon · 05/12/2022 19:42

You’ll probably regret having a baby with someone who games half of the day. He’ll only get worse when the baby comes.

Trollsintheforest · 05/12/2022 19:43

Watchthesunrise · 05/12/2022 19:30

🙅some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming 🙅

I bet he’ll start ’working’ more when the baby arrives..too busy to help out!

doodleygirl · 05/12/2022 19:44

What made you believe he would change once you became pregnant?

mach2 · 05/12/2022 19:58

Presuming he's not earning enough to carry you both while you're out of action, YANBU. He's helped to create a life, for which he is jointly responsible until said life is 18. New lives are not cheap.

Clymene · 05/12/2022 20:01

I have told my partner that we need to both be saving as much as we possibly can before the baby comes because my income will be lower. I am almost half way through my pregnancy now, and some days he is only working 3/4 hours and spending the rest of it gaming. He’s self employed and doing absolutely nothing to increase his work hours.

Any man who needs to be told this is a cocklodger

Fraaahnces · 05/12/2022 20:02

@alwaysoutdoors I think you sound bloody wise! I would be worried that when the baby comes he will be “tired” and spend even more time gaming and less time working. I hope that he is inspired to do more.

FermisLeftFoot · 05/12/2022 20:12

Have you discussed childcare one the baby comes? Will you want to go part time / put baby into nursery?

I ask because if he’s only working 3-4 hours a day it would make sense for him to do more childcare if you stay full time (if that’s how many hours you work now). Do you trust him to contribute to the cost of childcare if he doesn’t do that?

smileandsing · 05/12/2022 20:21

I disagree that OP has been foolish to have separate finances, as she herself said it means she maintains her independence, which all things considered is proving to be a smart move. The pregnancy is happening, nothing can change that now so no point in berating OP for it.
The mistakes now would be to expect him to change, merge finances and legalities such as house deed names now, and of course, to get married. Keep things separate OP, because it might be that you and your 'D'P are going that way too

Elsiebear90 · 05/12/2022 20:26

Your attitudes towards money are wildly different, he clearly works the minimum he can to sustain his current lifestyle and feels no need to put any extra effort in to earn more, you put a lot of effort into increasing your income to have a nicer lifestyle. You really should have sorted this out or gone your separate ways a long time before now.

I would have a serious discussion with him about your expectations and try to reach an agreement. I think the idea of giving him a set amount to contribute is good. It might he doesn’t see the need to work more hours as he’s happy with the lifestyle you have and contributes 50%. Is he aware that you want to save up a considerable amount of money for maternity leave?

Quveas · 05/12/2022 20:33

You make no pretence... you knew this is who he is and how he is. And you accepted it. Now you've TOLD him to change because it suits you. Good luck with that.