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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First pregnancy - potention issues Indianfamily

78 replies

user33 · 04/12/2022 10:38

Hi - sorry for the long post - really needing some support and help for people who live with in laws I'm a Indian family.

Background me and husband were dating for 2 years and have been married for 3..we are now pregnant with our first child 7 weeks and are extremely happy and excited about this. His mother lives with us and it's only us three (widowed and no other siblings) It is really difficult..she's very vocal and keeps venting and causing issues every few weeks..she believes in the typical patriarchal system whereas I believe a relationship should be about support..my husband also believes the support as apposed to a man's role and a woman's role (he didn't initially but has whilst we got married). She gets very agitated and vocally loud when she sees him doing stuff around the house to help and then says he's scared that's why he's doing it. She also doesn't give my family much respect and things like me spending time with my family during the holidays become an issue..although never said directly she throws digs and comments. I've never had the guts to say I'm spending Christmas lunch with my family. I'm too scared of the outburst. Even with presents for my neices I get told I should take whatever is out of the house as opposed to buy something and if I buy something it should be for a nominal value but for her family she doesn't mind so much what we do with them.

I know there's a problem with her and my husband isn't the problem. But he also can't leave here atall otherwise his mum has threatened suicide and all sorts and tbh I wouldnt want him to leave her as she's very dependent on hin. I work just as hard and earn just as much and I contribute towards the house to support my husband financially. That isn't a problem though lol. She has a very rigid view on what a relationship is like (she had a abusive typical Indian set up relationship where she was a maid/cook and the guy worked and came and put his feet up) and she believes it's the way of life and there is no other way. She thinks a husband role should be a certain way and expects my husband to do just that and thinks a wife has a certain role and she's there just to do that. If I was a stay at home wife I would 100% foot more of the household but I work the same if not more hours but I'm expected to cook 7 days and clean and shop and do everything.

I can deal with her views because it's about taking them in one ear and out the other but I can't keep dealing with these outbursts..when she does housework and gets overwhelmed she raises her voice and makes me feel like crap..my husband has tried so much to try and calm her down and reassure her. She's very over powering and I've come from a home where everyone respects space and boundaries. There isn't much here. She tries to get involved in our relationship dynamics and asks about issues that aren't even there.

My theory is she wasn't ready to share him and for him to get married which is the case in most Asian joint family.

I never saw my life like this. I saw myself happily married and I have the husband who there isn't an issue with. He's super caring and loving towards me and he tries to do everything to be a better husband and that's why I've stayed for this long. I saw myself being part of my family after I join a new one.

The question I have is now I'm pregnant. I don't wanna bring a baby up in this environment although I already love this blueberry in my stomach to the world and back. I couldn't sleep last night and I feel I'm just effecting my own life how will this effect my baby. I want this baby so much and i really love my husband but although last night's outburst wasn't big I think they've just started getting to me alot more now. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

I guess I want to know AIBU about feeling this way and is this just hormonal.

OP posts:

skyeisthelimit · 04/12/2022 10:50

I know there is a cultural issue/setup here, but the suicide threat is very common for people who want to keep control, as it means that everyone is scared to go against them.

I think you are set for a very unhappy life, and will be pushed out of looking after your own child, especially if you go back to work. Your DH should be standing up for you and making it clear that your set up works for you and him and that she needs to stop.

I think you need to discuss this seriously with your DH, away from the house and make arrangements for her to live elsewhere. It clearly isn't working out for you and it will never change as she can't suddenly change who she is.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2022 10:51

Why is she living with you?

You need to get her out. She sounds mentally unstable and this behaviour is massively abusive. There may be mitigating factors but this can’t go on. Your own health is in jeopardy.

Does she have no other family?

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2022 10:52

He shouldn’t be calming her down and reassuring her, he should be firmly telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop

ThreeLittleDots · 04/12/2022 10:55

She goes or they both do. You can't live like this.

Cherry35 · 04/12/2022 11:20

So sorry for your situation. Is there a way that your husband can rent an apartment for her or build a granny flat in the backyard?

Also speak to your husband about it, he has to talk to her to give you your place and respect your marriage.

SmileyClare · 04/12/2022 11:30

What are the expectations when baby is born?
Will your mother in law provide childcare so you can return to work?
Have you discussed this with your husband and mil?

Youre not hormonal, this sounds like a nightmare. She’s abusive towards you and manipulating you and dh.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 11:31

In her mind she has first claim on your husband's time and attention, this will only get worse as time goes on
She WILL ruin your life
it's you or her

I think you're only hope is to find someway to get her out of your home and never let her get back in

CinnamonSodaPop · 04/12/2022 11:32

I think most people on here won't get the indian family dynamic. This is so so common, sometimes I wonder if MIL are actually taught to be difficult to their son's wives as part of the patriarchal reinforcement! I don't have any solutions, I know you almost definitely won't be able to live separately from her. My friends in similar positions have done the following: wife and child went temporarily back to her family; wife/child/husband moved to first floor and mother/father/unmarried brother on ground floor; wife/husband develop a dismissive attitude to MIL. Not much help, I know.

Are you also Indian? Sorry if you said and I missed it.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 11:35

She will be very excited about the fact you are having a baby she knows it makes you weaker and gives her more power, she will use your pregnancy to manipulate you she would use the child to manipulate you, it's probably not really her fault this behaviour is programmed into her
You will have to be prepared to leave with your child, leave your husband behind with his nightmare of a mother

Bizzyone · 04/12/2022 11:49

Aside from the obvious stress on you, I guess you ans DH need to think about what environment you want your child raised in (hopefully not such a volatile one!), and ensure when you return to work its full time nursery/no unsupervised childcare from MIL until she can stop with the controlling suicide threats and outbursts.. you have some choices here but baby is totally at the mercy of your decisions.

It sounds really difficult though, and hard if that way of being/communicating is all shes ever known.

Original poster

user33 · 04/12/2022 12:11

Yes I'm Indian.

There is no way she can move out it's not an option. It would be me moving out - it's just not the way it works in this dynamic and i suppose it's a backwards culture issue as I've seen it around..whilst it's changing now abit and more families are moving away from this set up unfortunately some are still part of it.

I know with my kids I wouldn't want them to stay with me because I wouldn't want to interfere in their relationship but she's of the mindset that I raised you my whole life and now you need to look after me..which he does. He's a great son and he's a great husband.

He's clearly scared of her..I won't want to rely on her for childcare when I go back to work nor does she want that burden she's made it clear. My husband has reassured me that our parenting will be our decision but she's constantly complaining that she's not involved and it's only a few weeks in yet - we don't even know our emotions to involve anyone.

I don't want to leave because my husband is really trying and he's doing so much to try and support me but this argumentive household is just effecting me so much. I don't even know what I want by posting all this I just feel so lost and I look at my husband and feel so sorry for him because he's trapped in the middle 😔

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 04/12/2022 12:17

You can’t have everything. Once you accept that you can decide your path. But you can’t have:

A decent relationship with your MIL and
A decent relationship with your family and
Good boundaries with an abusive woman and
Said abusive woman living with you and
A husband who appeases her

You cannot have all of those things.

Personally I think you were shortsighted to even marry a man with a mother like this but that’s no help now.

But staying with your husband and living with his mother will basically be a miserable life for you and your child.

Original poster

user33 · 04/12/2022 12:24

Just some background..she wasn't like this before marriage - she was lovely and the sweetest person to me. Otherwise I wouldn't have put myself in this position. This all changed the moment I stepped foot in this house

OP posts:

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 12:27

user33 · 04/12/2022 12:24

Of course she was lovely to you, how else was she going to get you to marry her son so that she can completely control him, you and any children you might produce
She needs you locked down and locked in so that you have no choice but to provide for her and pander to her for the rest of her life, she had her eyes firmly on that prize while she was being sweet and lovely to you .....grooming you for her own purposes!

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 12:30

He's a great son and he's a great husband.
Look at what you wrote, even you recognise that his role as a son comes before his role as a husband, she owns him completely and she's coming for you next
He's clearly scared of her..
she's coming for you next

somethinglikethat · 04/12/2022 12:31

Hi OP. I can relate to what you're saying. Is there any way you could move house so that she lives in an annexe or basement or similar. So that she is still living with you but not in the same space constantly? And you can shut her out occasionally!

When the baby comes she will be a nightmare. She will be taking him or her off you all the time. Undermining your confidence. Telling you you're doing it all wrong. All the time moaning that she's not involved enough. You have to sort this now.

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 12:34

How old is she?

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 12:35

As far as this woman is concerned you are merely a vessel to bear HER grandchild, she will see your child as belonging to her first and foremost, she will be working very hard to crush and dominate you while you are incapacitated with pregnancy
If it was me I would push back very hard and crush and dominate her which would destroy the marriage
I think I would move out with the child quite a long way away to force the husband into choosing between us?
This man's primary bond will always be with his mother

Herejustforthisone · 04/12/2022 12:37

“Husband, either she goes, or I do.”

gogohmm · 04/12/2022 12:49

Who owns the house? If it's her, you and your husband move out in the spring before the baby is born. If you own the house, she moves out, end of - sheltered housing for older people perhaps. Don't compromise, don't let her play the cultural card - you are British, she lives here and she is being horrible to you, you deserve better.

If your dh will not comply you have a decision to make, do you want to be a single parent? because you will need to move out alone.

I really feel for you, I know several people who have been through very similar issues and come out the other side - some cities have specialised housing projects for older south Asian people, this really worked for my good friend

musingsinmidlife · 04/12/2022 12:56

You and your husband need to assert yourselves and take back control in your own house. Yes she will be hurt and mad but if you let her control it all, the marriage will end. You need to have a frank conversation with your husband. You may need to counselling to help you both learn to assert yourselves.

As others have said you also need some separation in your living arrangement. An in law suite or connected apartment. You need to establish boundaries that this is your house and that she has her own space.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 12:57

I think you potentially have quite a lot of leverage hereOP because if you move out your husband will be left with her and his life will be unbearable, I would start looking for a place now and leave, force the issue, your husband will not do anything he will always be dominated by his mother
she owns him

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 12:59

It's not her fault she doesn't know any different, but that doesn't mean you should let her destroy you

Snoopey · 04/12/2022 13:07

I really feel for you. Will things get better even if you do call her out on her treatment of you? I've heard this story so many times. Marginally few times things do get better (over a number of years) but the majority of stories I've heard they don't. The battles just continue. As I always say - they're all fine as an 'Aunty' (before marriage) but def not once they become your mil.
She needs to be put straight - not calmed and reassured.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 13:23

she had a abusive typical Indian set up relationship where she was a maid/cook and the guy worked and came and put his feet up
In her mind she has served her time at the bottom and now it's her turn to dominate and be at the top. She probably has no awareness that she's she's doing anything wrong she just sees this as the natural progression of things.
She has used her son as bait to lure you in so that you can help her son to care for her as she ages, so she can now be the one to put her feet up
The fact that you're having a child is a big bonus for her because it gives her another way to dominate and control you and gives her another person to control

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