First pregnancy - potention issues Indianfamily

[user33]

Hi - sorry for the long post - really needing some support and help for people who live with in laws I'm a Indian family.

Background me and husband were dating for 2 years and have been married for 3..we are now pregnant with our first child 7 weeks and are extremely happy and excited about this. His mother lives with us and it's only us three (widowed and no other siblings) It is really difficult..she's very vocal and keeps venting and causing issues every few weeks..she believes in the typical patriarchal system whereas I believe a relationship should be about support..my husband also believes the support as apposed to a man's role and a woman's role (he didn't initially but has whilst we got married). She gets very agitated and vocally loud when she sees him doing stuff around the house to help and then says he's scared that's why he's doing it. She also doesn't give my family much respect and things like me spending time with my family during the holidays become an issue..although never said directly she throws digs and comments. I've never had the guts to say I'm spending Christmas lunch with my family. I'm too scared of the outburst. Even with presents for my neices I get told I should take whatever is out of the house as opposed to buy something and if I buy something it should be for a nominal value but for her family she doesn't mind so much what we do with them.

I know there's a problem with her and my husband isn't the problem. But he also can't leave here atall otherwise his mum has threatened suicide and all sorts and tbh I wouldnt want him to leave her as she's very dependent on hin. I work just as hard and earn just as much and I contribute towards the house to support my husband financially. That isn't a problem though lol. She has a very rigid view on what a relationship is like (she had a abusive typical Indian set up relationship where she was a maid/cook and the guy worked and came and put his feet up) and she believes it's the way of life and there is no other way. She thinks a husband role should be a certain way and expects my husband to do just that and thinks a wife has a certain role and she's there just to do that. If I was a stay at home wife I would 100% foot more of the household but I work the same if not more hours but I'm expected to cook 7 days and clean and shop and do everything.

I can deal with her views because it's about taking them in one ear and out the other but I can't keep dealing with these outbursts..when she does housework and gets overwhelmed she raises her voice and makes me feel like crap..my husband has tried so much to try and calm her down and reassure her. She's very over powering and I've come from a home where everyone respects space and boundaries. There isn't much here. She tries to get involved in our relationship dynamics and asks about issues that aren't even there.

My theory is she wasn't ready to share him and for him to get married which is the case in most Asian joint family.

I never saw my life like this. I saw myself happily married and I have the husband who there isn't an issue with. He's super caring and loving towards me and he tries to do everything to be a better husband and that's why I've stayed for this long. I saw myself being part of my family after I join a new one.

The question I have is now I'm pregnant. I don't wanna bring a baby up in this environment although I already love this blueberry in my stomach to the world and back. I couldn't sleep last night and I feel I'm just effecting my own life how will this effect my baby. I want this baby so much and i really love my husband but although last night's outburst wasn't big I think they've just started getting to me alot more now. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

I guess I want to know AIBU about feeling this way and is this just hormonal.

She doesn't work doesn't pay towards the house. House is in both of our name however it was his home from before. she paid towards the deposit of the house a long time before I came into the picture.

I have spoken to him before he speaks to her she gets better it improves then it happens again..it's a vicious cycle. she has some stuff going on and she takes it out on us.

For background I didn't know he doesn't help around the house either before. he always looked like he helped his mum doing things when I used to come over but I never took notice of it too much as I thought it was normal for everyone to work together

I guess there are only two options - keep the baby and know this is the life. Hope she changes but probably won't

Get rid and leave. I also wouldn't mind raising the baby alone - it will be hard but it would be worth it

Both are not easy and I don't even know where to begin with making a decision

Good I’m glad your house is in your name, many times I’ve seen dil contribute to in laws house and not their name on it. if you’re considering termination then I definitely recommend counselling through Marie stopes or similar. It’s not an easy decision and if there’s a chance you could bring up baby on your own then you may not need to make that decision but is there really no way of your husband just giving you some space even on your own until mil sorts herself out? I think you should tell your Dh how things are affecting you to this extent if you haven’t already, he might realise he needs to do something more than what he’s currently doing. Otherwise it’s that cycle of you getting upset and then forget about it until the next time. Do you have support from your own family? Would they be there if things didn’t work out?

Well, you should leave regardless, but you can have the baby if you want to.

If you keep the baby he will probably have them as much as possible and hand them over to his mum.

It will also tie you to him/them for the next few years.

I would have the baby and then move some distance away so that the husband is forced to choose, if he chooses to stay wedded to his mother then raise the child on your own but have everything set up so that he can't wriggle out of paying his share

Or if you're not bothered about being a parent don't have the baby.... skip off and live your life?

I don't even know where to start. It's a really scary thought but each day here is a struggle. It's like I'm living on egg shells constantly but then can breath when I'm going sleep or she's not in the house which isn't reastic long term

@user33 do you think you could buy your own house once baby arrives? Your husband can come look after his mother when necessary.

No 😔 she would rather he has a failed marriage than for him to leave her and she has also conditioned him into believing his main duty is her because she's alone. And this is where he is at fault because he doesn't correct her either because I guess he also believes the same. So as much as he's great to me emotionally and as a husband this is his negative.

I would have made this work here - noone gets married with the intention of breaking their marriage but she's just mean to me and I've noticed I can't deal with it the way i used to. She is a narcissist all signs point towards this when I research this. I'm all good for her If I'm cooking a good meal or cleaning the home but the moment I'm doing anything but the things a 'womens duty is' then she's this vicious person

I was wondering this, is she isolated both within your Indian culture and within the general culture of your area? Are there any clubs or groups she could be part of that would give her a focus outside the home. I live in a very multicultural area and some of the local authority classes are specifically aimed at women who sound like your MIl, so there are henna classes, Indian dress making groups etc.

She has a large friends circle so does try and go out and see them etc but doesn't have any consistent classes she goes to

She's a bully OP.

Can you not stand up to her? She shouts, you shout louder. You makes demands on you, tell her no, go away or simply ignore her. She says do A, B and C, you do X, Y and Z instead. Make it very clear that you will not be cowed or dictated to tell her to fuck off.

What realistically can she do to you??

My advice would be to get the Aunties to have a word with her- where are the rest of your strong female relatives and his female relatives on this? I have seen Aunties have strong words with bullies like this (threaten with nursing home) and it really works. Also diversion- she thrives on conflict and control so give it to her- foist her on a local cultural or community group so she can create strife there.
You're going to need to play the long game on this- be meek and mild in front of everyone else so you people feel protective of you and fight for you. If you go in too strong, you will be the bad guy.

You and your husband have to move out.

I'd work on that. It will honestly be a nightmare with someone like that around when you've just had a baby, and hormones are flying all about the place.

Just to say I'm Indian too and seen this happen so many times and the only thing that works is moving out. My sis did it (and yes there was a bit of initial shock everyone understood why it happened).

It might feel shameful initially (even though it's not) but if you can get your own PR out there like a PP said, and make it clear you were the one that was treated badly etc etc. then all the better.

You only get one life. Is this really how you want to live? It sounds grim.

Indian people do have counselling, they just don't talk about it!

She won't commit suicide because its means your soul will be tortured as God didn't want you to die in that way as God had a plan for her.

I'm assuming you're Hindus. Am I right?

They also have indian care homes where my nani lived. It was great!

Where are you based?

Why don't you lap it up like women in india who when pregnant say doctor has said bed rest and get mil to do everything. Get her to do the cooking etc because you're nauseous from pregnancy.

The less you answer back the more they do it. So when she's alone give it to her.

Get her to go to her temple of choice, the other ladies will keep her entertained

Don't rush into anything. It seems more like she is a difficult person than just the cultural issues. I live in an Indian area (although I am white British) and we have neighbours with daughter in law living very happily with mother in law although a lot of going back to India (since and before covid) for 3 or 4 months at a time (the wife goes back to her family there with the older teenager etc) so I suppose she gets away from her mother in law for fairly long periods and I think they get on fine anyway.

May be your home could be divided in some way so the mother has a granny flat within the home or perhaps she would be useful when the baby comes as could provide full time childcare and ensure you get back to full time work very quickly. It certainly sounds like she is very difficult.

I don't think you should rush to make any changes just yet. You are just pregnant and don't even have the baby yet. Also what you spend on presents for your family though is none of her business as you earn as much as your husband etc. Is there a way your salary could go into your own personal account and only what is needed for the house costs, mortgage, utlities and eventually childcare comes out of the joint account?

This is not going to change. Not only is she making life hell now, it will get worse when baby arrives. She will want to make all the decisions, be the mother figure- if you breast feed, expect to hear how unnatural and unfair you are being, denying her a chance to bond with her grandchild.

As the child grows up, she will tell them that she loves them most and reinforce gender stereotypes on them and the cycle will continue. You daughter will be taught to serve, your son to demand. She will undermine you to your face, to your husband and to your children. She will be a thorn in your side until the day she dies, unless you find a way to get her out of your daily life.

Could you perhaps buy a house for the three of you to live in so that she doesn’t see it as an automatic right to live there with you and her son? That way she may be less entitled and easier to manage?

I don’t know what can possibly help in your situation, you aren’t going to put her out or stand up to her nonsense or you would have done so already. I”d be tempted to play her at her own game, when she shouts, you shout louder and longer, when she threatens to kill herself, you threaten to leave or to go and stay with relatives far, far away, follow your script every time in the way she does

I think it might be worth you really thinking about why you are allowing this to happen, given your family is quite different. In truth, I would have packed her bag for her long ago and loaded her into a taxi, or perhaps refused to have moved into a house she was already installed in.
Good luck.

She's not really into temples etc but wants to force traditions when it suits her.

I can try the approach of speaking up for myself. I find raised voices really scary and I shut down but I need to do this for my life.

I know a big part of this all is she's lonely. She wishes her husband was here for company and she has someone to focus on and says this quite often and you can tell she's projecting this onto her son instead as an only son. She is super super lonely and was always in a mind set where lifes about serving a husband.

Personally knowing her hardships I don't think I would also be able to seperate her from her son and knowing how dependant she is on him as he's all she has. I keep thinking if my brother did that to my mother I would feel upset but I also know my mother wouldnt get involved in my brother's life. I feel bad at the thought of her being alone so the only option is either I go or figure out a way to deal with this

Have things improved?

Thanks for checking in. I've been really busy the last few weeks so the contact had been minimal. I was on holiday last week but I couldn't help spend most my holiday not being present in the moment and enjoying this time with my husband and our friends.

I kept thinking about situations etc and stuff I didn't need to being away from life but I couldn't help it and I know I wasn't my normal bubbly self and felt so guilty for my husband.

I just can't snap out of this. I think I should see a therapist and deal with being in the moment because that's my biggest issue.

I should be greatful. I dont have to stay - I have options to walk out if this isn't serving my purpose. I have a supportive family who would give me and this baby an insane amount of support and love. I have amazing friends who will be there through the worst. I have an amazing job. I just spent the cold spell in a hot country in a beautiful resort and have opportunities to visit beautiful places. I have a husband who just wants me happy and is promising me i just need to do what makes me happy and he'll deal with the rest. I have food on tap whenever I want. I have a healthy pregnancy. I should be greatful. Why am I not

May be you are not happy not because of anything external including the mother in law, but internally. Pregnant with first child is a very stressful time, hormones all over the place, uncertainties of birth to come etc. Perhaps just take things easy, get as much sleep and good food as you can. If you think you need some therapy and it is feasible to get it finding a clinical psychologist who is properly qualified might be a good idea and arrange a few sessions.