First pregnancy - potention issues Indianfamily

[user33]

Hi - sorry for the long post - really needing some support and help for people who live with in laws I'm a Indian family.

Background me and husband were dating for 2 years and have been married for 3..we are now pregnant with our first child 7 weeks and are extremely happy and excited about this. His mother lives with us and it's only us three (widowed and no other siblings) It is really difficult..she's very vocal and keeps venting and causing issues every few weeks..she believes in the typical patriarchal system whereas I believe a relationship should be about support..my husband also believes the support as apposed to a man's role and a woman's role (he didn't initially but has whilst we got married). She gets very agitated and vocally loud when she sees him doing stuff around the house to help and then says he's scared that's why he's doing it. She also doesn't give my family much respect and things like me spending time with my family during the holidays become an issue..although never said directly she throws digs and comments. I've never had the guts to say I'm spending Christmas lunch with my family. I'm too scared of the outburst. Even with presents for my neices I get told I should take whatever is out of the house as opposed to buy something and if I buy something it should be for a nominal value but for her family she doesn't mind so much what we do with them.

I know there's a problem with her and my husband isn't the problem. But he also can't leave here atall otherwise his mum has threatened suicide and all sorts and tbh I wouldnt want him to leave her as she's very dependent on hin. I work just as hard and earn just as much and I contribute towards the house to support my husband financially. That isn't a problem though lol. She has a very rigid view on what a relationship is like (she had a abusive typical Indian set up relationship where she was a maid/cook and the guy worked and came and put his feet up) and she believes it's the way of life and there is no other way. She thinks a husband role should be a certain way and expects my husband to do just that and thinks a wife has a certain role and she's there just to do that. If I was a stay at home wife I would 100% foot more of the household but I work the same if not more hours but I'm expected to cook 7 days and clean and shop and do everything.

I can deal with her views because it's about taking them in one ear and out the other but I can't keep dealing with these outbursts..when she does housework and gets overwhelmed she raises her voice and makes me feel like crap..my husband has tried so much to try and calm her down and reassure her. She's very over powering and I've come from a home where everyone respects space and boundaries. There isn't much here. She tries to get involved in our relationship dynamics and asks about issues that aren't even there.

My theory is she wasn't ready to share him and for him to get married which is the case in most Asian joint family.

I never saw my life like this. I saw myself happily married and I have the husband who there isn't an issue with. He's super caring and loving towards me and he tries to do everything to be a better husband and that's why I've stayed for this long. I saw myself being part of my family after I join a new one.

The question I have is now I'm pregnant. I don't wanna bring a baby up in this environment although I already love this blueberry in my stomach to the world and back. I couldn't sleep last night and I feel I'm just effecting my own life how will this effect my baby. I want this baby so much and i really love my husband but although last night's outburst wasn't big I think they've just started getting to me alot more now. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

I guess I want to know AIBU about feeling this way and is this just hormonal.

It sounds as if his mother has some MH issues, could this be age-related?

I think you and DH need to draw a line in the sand before baby arrives. Is there any way you can establish some separate territory in the house so you have some private space and so does she?

Maybe you should rent a one-person apartment nearby then tell DH he has a choice. Either, you move out to the apartment or his mother does.

If you move out, your newborn baby will of course live with you.

The issue isn't so much she lives with us..it's more she's entitled to speak out as she does. Last night I had the most awful thought that it would be best if I just fell down the stairs and had a miscarriage that way I wouldn't be bringing a baby into this but then I realised how horrible that was of me. I'm not me. She does do stuff to help us out she does encourage us to have date night etc but she's so so involved in her son that she doesn't see she's ruining his marriage at the same time.

She's not old she's under 60 she doesn't have much health issues either..she's been through alot in life..horrible horrible things so I think that most of this is actually her not resolving those issues but in our culture counselling is seemed to be a no go and it's so bad. I feel bad for her sometimes that I don't think she means to be this horrible person her life has made her this way

Does she get involved in activities outside the home? It could be helpful for her to volunteer, do a part-time job or do a course. Juts to take the focus off you and you husband a bit.

And also, is there any chance of moving into a house with a separate annex for her? Just to gain some distance.

Of course your husband is the problem.

He would rather ensure his mother's happiness than yours.

To the point that you are scared to see your parents for Christmas lunch?

If he's not abusive he certainly enables his mum to be.

What a pair of horrors.

You are not horrible.

You are in a really big hole. Maybe you should have seen it coming, but we can't go back in time. We need to deal with the reality of right now.

It sounds like you are considering an abortion as you don't want to bring a baby into the current set up.

You need to talk NOW with your husband. He needs to know it's progressed to this point for you. It's likely he has no idea that you are this unhappy. You might not have realised yourself even.

Yes, you can break with tradition and refuse to live in a multigenerational family home. It might be hard but it's not impossible. And it sounds like it might be necessary for your mental and emotional well-being. If you feel you absolutely must stay in some form of shared home please look at apartments that are next door, a granny flat, renovating so she has her own kitchen/living space. You cannot share with this woman and bring up children as you will want to.

Suicide threats are a form of emotional abuse. Name it for what it is.

You need to decide if you want to have this baby. If not, then probably you need out of the marriage. Please see if you can find a professional to talk to who an help you to work out what boundaries you need. Couples counselling might also be useful to help you communicate just how much the current set up is hurting you.

If she is under 60 you could have years of this. You need to find a solution. Does she have no life outside of your family?

This - she needs another focus.
Could she have her own place? She’s not old and hopefully doesn’t have health issues. She could live the life she didn’t have.

I would be terminating the pregnancy and getting a divorce. I'd be leaving the pair of them. This is not going to get better and she could live for another 30 years. Your husband has not stood up for you and put his dreadful harridan of a mother in her place. I would not bring a child into this mess. You still have options and I think the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.

I think your husband will need to put his foot down

• it is our family and our rules
• -it is our relationship and I will not tolerate comments and abuse
• if you choose to live us you have to respect my wife and do not push your views on her.
• -you will need to move out if you continue like this

there will be no suicide shes just a toxic b.h

She's in her 50's?!?!
Your baby could be thirty years old and she'd still be there making your life hell!
What a life you have ahead of you.
Was she living there before you? With her son?

Well this is the other thing isn't it?

Op's child would be growing up in a system that she & supposedly her husband disagree with.

No wonder this stuff gets passed on down!

While I'm not Indian our home is mine and my DH's.
If his DM, or mine for that matter were to move in they would be welcome to, within reason live their life as they see fit but there's no way they'd get the overall say on anything to do with me or how my relationship with my DH or future DC goes.
There's no way I'd allow another person, no matter what relationship we were to think they can dictate what I can and can't do in my own home.

I can imagine the fun it'll be when your on maternity leave and at home all day with your MIL.

Would your DH be cross if you took it upon yourself to have a chat with his mother about the situation and changes needed.
If so maybe his supporting you needs to extend into telling her to drag her arse into the 21st century.

You and your husband need to set boundaries, now.
MIL - we would be awfully sad if you committed suicide, but you know that you cannot live with us with a small child around if you keep having these thought. Let us book you into a nice home where they can help you work through those feelings.
MIL - it’s ok if you want to live with us, but these are our boundaries… Christmas with my family every other year - of course you are invited. You do not get a day in anything child related…
otherwise you will need to move out.

and you need to speak with your husband… either boundaries, or you will live with your family. He can come and visit any time, but you cannot risk your child’s live by having an unstable person being in charge.

good luck - it’s now or never

Oh OP, you have a long, miserable life ahead of you unless something changes. You will come to resent your husband, she will make life hell with your attempts to parent... you know something has to change and I wouldn't recommend waiting until the baby is born.

I don't think she means to be this horrible person her life has made her this way
I agree with you but it remains the case that she will make your life unpleasant if you dont take very strong measures to prevent her doing so

I’m south Asian so well versed in all of this. Sounds like your husband is the stereotypical son with no backbone, she’s his mother he needs to have a word otherwise he needs to move out but let me guess, he’s not willing to do that? Well you’ll be like every other dil with similar husband and you’ll be expected to put up with the taunts etc for years to come. I don’t know why you’re making excuses for her, you do realise she’s one of many mil who behave like this because that’s the culture, the cycle it’s been like that for centuries. It’s not something that’s due to some trauma of hers that you need to understand. Your husband will make the right noises but really he’s ineffectual. Surely you knew when you signed to the joint family system, you understood the power hierarchy with mil at top and you at the bottom? Well
shes not planning on changing that status quo, the onus is on you and the husband. The fact that you mention your husband only changed his ways upon marriage so you knew his ideas while you were dating? Many women in these set up don’t get the privilege of dating for two years they get thrown right into it but I’m not sure why so much of this is surprising to you. Look around similar set ups and look at how the dil fares in them. They only survive by being the sacrificial sheep, they need to conform if they want a quiet life. If you’re not willing to do that then you’ll have to start getting angry. Otherwise you’ll just have to suck it up. I think you knew the situation but was very naive to think you could change something that’s been in place in that region for centuries. Honestly my own situation I had to be a battle axe to make changes but it means you’re no longer seen as the doormat respectable dil, if you’re willing to do that then you have a chance but you have to start showing you’re not to be messed with.

whose house is it? Chances are it’s your mil’s you live there rent free and she gets to rule the roost.

I’m not Indian but really think you just have to lay down the law. ‘I love you MIL but stop disrespecting me. This is my home. I contribute financially and dh and I share the workload. It may not be what you’re used to but that’s the way it’s working in our house. When the baby comes it will be a shared workload. If you carry on undermining what I want you are going to make me ill so this needs to stop if we’re all going to live here harmoniously’

Ypu both sit her down and speak to her. She vents, explained her feelings and you each take your turn. Your dh then says if she can't behave in a respectful, agreeable manner she will need to move out. She can threaten suicide all she wants, it's unlikely she will actually do it. You from that point need to shut her down evetytime she us rude, everytime with no exceptions. You'll have to be strong because she will pushback.

My fil was a lovely man but he too felt that dh shouldn't do things like change nappies or make bottles for our eldest.. My dh challenged that view straight away, said that he wanted to embrace his role as a father in a different way to his dad and that times had changed. My mil was a sahm when her kids were little , I'm not nor will I ever be, I work to support my family too. The point being it was never raised as an issue again because dh and I were on the same page and challenged any views we disagreed with straight on.

You need to put your foot down and tell her how you expect her to behave in your/her home and to be brutal and I don’t think you’ve got that in you or you let her take over your baby once dc arrives and if it’s a boy you will be in the minority as she raises your dc with her son or you walk.
I don’t see you leaving, you clearly love your husband and have a decent relationship so the only feasible option is your DH must put his foot down and start laying some rules for her. I don’t see that happening either. He seems quite happy to still be mummy’s boy.

sadly I think you will be the spare wheel in the raising of your own child. You’ll get to do all the night shifts, the hard work etc but she will take over and I don’t think either of you will stand up to her.
Sorry you’ve really landed yourself in a huge mess. I really can’t see a way out of this, other than butter on the banisters 😱

I agree. If you don't leave you are doomed to a life of service and misery - but you already know that. You will have the baby, your DH will carry on being weak and spineless and you will not be happy until MIL dies.

you will not be happy until MIL dies
and that will take a very long time because her surrogate husband (ie her son) will tend to her every need

Hi hun,

You're going to have to develop very thick skin and ignore a lot of what she says.

If she speaks bad about your family change the topic instead of arguing.

Whatever you buy your nieces leave it in the car and don't show her especially since she's so nosey.

These kind of women unfortunately start digging their own grave once their grandchildren come as both the son and daughter in law do their own thing. The mother in law then feels lonely and depressed.

Are you gujarati by any chance? Sit down and watch that movie dear father with her maybe she'll get a hint.

As for Christmas with your family, let her know last minute and say ohh did you forgot i told you last month.

This sounds so difficult.

I think you need to speak to your DH (you could even show him this thread) and then ask him to have a proper talk with his mum about how she’s making you feel and that she needs to rein it in.

It’s hard if he’s afraid of her though.
She sounds very controlling!

Start sticking up for yourself too.
It’s not nice putting DH in the middle but you can’t continue to live like this.

Hopefully she will get better once the baby comes but she may get worse so I’d work on your boundaries now.

I wouldn't speak to your partner about it. Some men get very defensive of their mothers and it doesn't work in your favour especially when you have arguments between yourselves. Petty but that's what happens.