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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going to elderly FIL every weekend / MIL with us.

91 replies

whiteroseredrose · 04/12/2022 09:49

I'm going into the lion's den because I don't know if IABU or not.

Brief summary, PIL live a 3 hour drive from us. They are mid-late 80s. MIL is quite frail and is getting very forgetful. In recent years FIL has bit by bit become MIL's carer.

They are (finally) selling up and moving to sheltered housing near us.

Anyway, in September FIL fell while cutting a hedge (despite being told not to) and broke his hip. DH drove down and brought MIL back to ours. She is still here.

DH has driven to PILs every single weekend since. Firstly to take MIL to visit FIL in hospital (and start clearing the house), then to see FIL when he was home with carers and friends going in. Now FIL has a live in carer 24 hours.

MIL staying with us is tricky because she can't be left. So far we have managed to organise WFH but that has been lucky. At some point we will both have to go in and I don't know how we will handle that. I have asked DH but he is swamped with handling the sale and purchase as well as holding down a busy job.

Selfishly I'm cross that my days off that I planned to spend with my elderly mum are spent taking MIL to various appointments for instead.

I never see DH properly. We are both exhausted every night then either all of us or DH and MIL do the long drive every weekend.

If you're still with me my AIBU is I would like DH to have the occasional weekend off. I'm worried about him getting exhausted (had a dodgy moment driving back a couple of weeks ago). He also needs a bit of life himself.

He tells me that he isn't 'selfish' and thinks it is unfair for FIL to not be visited every weekend.

An alternative would be for MIL to go back for the next couple of months. The live-in carer costs a fortune and is used to living with couples if necessary. However DH won't hear of it as she has appointments coming up near us.

So AIBU to think DH should take a weekend off for R&R and give us a weekend together? (Or take MIL back home for a few weeks?).

OP posts:
Carbon12 · 04/12/2022 09:58

YANBU. It's natural that you want a break and some time to spend with DH.

BUT you don't want DH to resent you for making him take a weekend off or for making his mum miss any appointments.

How much longer is your FIL staying in the old house? Is there any way PIL can move into the sheltered housing before the sale has gone through?

Does your DH have any other family that can take over one of the weekends?

GrumpyPanda · 04/12/2022 09:58

His mother, his issue to sort. It's also selfish of him to deprive your mum of company just because he can't coordinate his own parents' needs. And yes, if a carer is being paid for anyway, then back she goes - ridiculous to even consider doing otherwise. He can either rearrange her appointments or ferry her about from her own home.

caramac04 · 04/12/2022 10:05

I had a similar situation but not as bad tbh. My DH knew his DF was being selfish and unreasonable by refusing help from anyone other than DH - 4 visits a day and I went on 3 of them as well.
The problem was DH felt duty bound to basically bow to his DF wishes whatever the cost to him. DH knew it was crippling him, we had no social life whatsoever- not even out for a coffee.
I’ve no answer but I would ask your DH what does he think would happen if he were to become ill or have an accident driving to or from his DF’s? I would suggest a weekend off would be preferable and make that once a month then once a fortnight. I guess he will struggle with that but he needs to recognise that caring for himself does not mean he isn’t caring for his DF.
I hope house sale goes through asap and you can get your life back.

yoyo1234 · 04/12/2022 10:05

So why can't they both be back with the 24hour carer that must be costing a fortune ? What about immediate family time for you and your children (how old are they)?

Gruelle · 04/12/2022 10:07

He also needs a bit of life himself.

This is life, though. And it’s only been three months.

Would you want less care taken of your own parent(s) in the same circumstances?

Obviously you are not obliged to ferry his mother to appointments. I guess that depends on the level of love, gratitude, respect you feel for her - or otherwise. Is it never possible for your mother and MIL to be in the same room, or the same car? Do they not get on? Surely part of the point of marriage is to bring families together?

yoyo1234 · 04/12/2022 10:08

Sorry you've not mentioned any children

MichelleScarn · 04/12/2022 10:09

So you wanting to see and help your mum is 'selfish' but you have to have his mum living with you? Nice he sees you as an equal partner!
What would he say if you said, OK my mum needs to live here too?

Hobbesmanc · 04/12/2022 10:11

GrumpyPanda · 04/12/2022 09:58

His mother, his issue to sort. It's also selfish of him to deprive your mum of company just because he can't coordinate his own parents' needs. And yes, if a carer is being paid for anyway, then back she goes - ridiculous to even consider doing otherwise. He can either rearrange her appointments or ferry her about from her own home.

I don't get attitude. Surely when you enter into a relationship you agree to share some key responsibilities. I'm not super close to my MIL but my husband is and therefore I accept we need to compromise some of our lives to meet her needs as she ages.

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 10:12

It’s for a short time. A man who looks after his parents will likely look after his family. You don’t have to go but don’t begrudge him being kind.

dancinfeet · 04/12/2022 10:12

your obligation is to your mum not his, especially if your mum is elderly and frail too. visit your mum, let him deal with his parents and help out when you can but don’t put his mother above yours.

MichelleScarn · 04/12/2022 10:14

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 10:12

It’s for a short time. A man who looks after his parents will likely look after his family. You don’t have to go but don’t begrudge him being kind.

He's not is he though? He's saying his family need to be visited and looked after and this takes priority over the same for hers.

BeyondMyWits · 04/12/2022 10:15

If he's working from home, can he not take MIL back to hers and stay there working from their home for a few days every so often? The carer would be taking care of their needs so he would be free to work.
That would free you up to spend time with your mum every so often too.

SylvanianFrenemies · 04/12/2022 10:16

YANBU to be finding it hard.
But it isnt forever.

ElegantlyTouched · 04/12/2022 10:16

When do you get to see your mother?

ShadowPuppets · 04/12/2022 10:17

Can FIL move in with you too, and then get a live-out carer to come to take care of both of them? It feels counter intuitive but then the carer could look after both which would ease the strain on you, (they’re paying for one anyways) and DH wouldn’t be travelling so much.

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 10:18

You’re not selfish to want some time with your elderly mother.

msbevvy · 04/12/2022 10:20

He tells me that he isn't 'selfish' and thinks it is unfair for FIL to not be visited every weekend.

It was the stubborn/thoughtless action of your FIL cutting the hedge when told not to that has brought about this dreadful situation. It would not be in the least 'unfair' for him not to be visited, especially as his care needs are being met.

Your DH should be staying at home and taking care of his Mum allowing you to have a break or see your own mother.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2022 10:22

Hobbesmanc · 04/12/2022 10:11

I don't get attitude. Surely when you enter into a relationship you agree to share some key responsibilities. I'm not super close to my MIL but my husband is and therefore I accept we need to compromise some of our lives to meet her needs as she ages.

Show quote history

This. Both my mother and PILs required care and support and we treated this as a shared issue. After FIL died my DH was travelling to see her every other weekend Thursday to Sunday. 4 hour train journey. She had carers 4 times a day but even they could not keep her fed, medicated, hydrated and clean. She wouldn’t consider any alternative all she wanted was to be looked after by DH in her own home. We offered sheltered housing near us, living with us but she refused. And meanwhile my mother had dementia and was fast losing her ability to do anything for herself. It was a tough time to say the least but we supported each other through it.

WidowTwanki · 04/12/2022 10:24

ShadowPuppets · 04/12/2022 10:17

Can FIL move in with you too, and then get a live-out carer to come to take care of both of them? It feels counter intuitive but then the carer could look after both which would ease the strain on you, (they’re paying for one anyways) and DH wouldn’t be travelling so much.

Yes and you could both get back to the office and have time after work to meet up out of the house if they had each other and carers.

Also don’t neglect your own relationship with your DM. Get your DH to sort carers for his DM so you can get out to see your own DM.

What’s happening at Xmas - is this a time to move them in? or Could you get an Air BnB nearby for them with carers locally?

It sounds tough and relentless.

billy1966 · 04/12/2022 10:26

YANBU.
He is.

Of course if he wants to go to his father every weekend that is his wish, but his mother needs to go back.

His parents do NOT trump yours.

He is being a CF behaving as if they do.

His mother needs to go back, ahead of everything else.

I have so little tolerance for men like your FIL, whom through pure arrogance and selfishness bring such drama to their childrens lives through doing jobs that they are too old for.

Completely unnecessary🙄

StickofVeg · 04/12/2022 10:26

You are not selfish for wanting to spend some time with your elderly mum, or for wanting more time with DH (or for yourself). But what's not clear is how long this is likely to go on for? That would be useful to know - is it until the house is sold and they are moved into sheltered accommodation?

What does seem strange is why DH is keeping his parents apart (or seems to be). Sure if MIL has 1 medical appointment you could get her, take her to the appointment and take her back - and enabling her to be with her DH again? Especially as there is a carer present for 24 hours. I can see you will both be stressed but I'd see if I could work on a timeline to work things better (by MIL returning to her home and also the house move). Once you have timelines thought through maybe it would seem more bearable?

Georgeskitchen · 04/12/2022 10:26

Yanbu. I assume that since your ILs are late 80s then DH won't exactly be a youngster ( unless he was a very late baby) so surely it must take a big toll. Every other weekend I think is quite enough, they have carers so they have a safety net.
Reading this reminds of when I was shopping a few months ago and in a queue behind a frail looking lady in her 70s-ish, struggling to push a wheelchair containing a lady who must have been in her 90s, she referred to her as mum. I felt desperately sorry for both of them must be so difficult not being in good health and trying to look after a parent as well.x

MelchiorsMistress · 04/12/2022 10:28

Your DH is in an incredibly difficult position, and your pressuring him to take some time away isn’t going to help. I realise that you’re doing it because you have a genuine need to spend time with him and you believe that he genuinely needs some time to himself, but if taking a weekend off is going to lead to him feeling guilty and uncomfortable with himself he won’t be able to enjoy it and it will achieve nothing.

If you have time off work over Christmas, think about how you can make that into some quality time rather than trying to change the weekends.

PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2022 10:29

What @BeyondMyWits said.

I applaud his dedication to his parents and yours to the situation. But this sounds unsustainable.

So am I right in thinking you have a 24 hour carer in place for your FIL?? It certainly sounds nuts for your MIL not to be in that situation too.

If dh feels worried, then I agree that him visiting them and staying with them/nearby for a fortnight might help the situation settle down. I wonder if some additional private physio for your FIL might be a good idea too at this point. Much easier to oversee all this with them. Could your MILs appointments be done virtually? If the carer/dh is there to facilitate the tech side? If not, he could drive her back to them.

diddl · 04/12/2022 10:30

They both need 24hr care but are having it in separate places?

How daft is that?

Will your FIL always need 24hr care now?

If so, do they not need to be in a care home rather than sheltered housing?

Seems awful to me that they are being kept apart.