DH going to elderly FIL every weekend / MIL with us.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'm going into the lion's den because I don't know if IABU or not.

Brief summary, PIL live a 3 hour drive from us. They are mid-late 80s. MIL is quite frail and is getting very forgetful. In recent years FIL has bit by bit become MIL's carer.

They are (finally) selling up and moving to sheltered housing near us.

Anyway, in September FIL fell while cutting a hedge (despite being told not to) and broke his hip. DH drove down and brought MIL back to ours. She is still here.

DH has driven to PILs every single weekend since. Firstly to take MIL to visit FIL in hospital (and start clearing the house), then to see FIL when he was home with carers and friends going in. Now FIL has a live in carer 24 hours.

MIL staying with us is tricky because she can't be left. So far we have managed to organise WFH but that has been lucky. At some point we will both have to go in and I don't know how we will handle that. I have asked DH but he is swamped with handling the sale and purchase as well as holding down a busy job.

Selfishly I'm cross that my days off that I planned to spend with my elderly mum are spent taking MIL to various appointments for instead.

I never see DH properly. We are both exhausted every night then either all of us or DH and MIL do the long drive every weekend.

If you're still with me my AIBU is I would like DH to have the occasional weekend off. I'm worried about him getting exhausted (had a dodgy moment driving back a couple of weeks ago). He also needs a bit of life himself.

He tells me that he isn't 'selfish' and thinks it is unfair for FIL to not be visited every weekend.

An alternative would be for MIL to go back for the next couple of months. The live-in carer costs a fortune and is used to living with couples if necessary. However DH won't hear of it as she has appointments coming up near us.

So AIBU to think DH should take a weekend off for R&R and give us a weekend together? (Or take MIL back home for a few weeks?).

I think MIL going back until they move is easiest. Your dh needs a break. That is a lot of driving on top of the caring & working

Yanbu right now BUT it's a temporary thing as once the move happens you will have your lives back

We all need to look after our lived ones and sadly this is part of the process.

Be grateful you have such a lovely husband.

Be patient. Your time will come back

Would it be easier to move FIL in with you and have the carers coming into your home to help him, and therefore keeping an eye on MIL so you can see your mum sometimes ?

could DH take his mum with him when he goes to his dad so you can have some time with your mum? I’m not sure why you are MILs carer on weekends.

Thank you for the replies - with differing opinions as I expected. I don't think that there is an obvious right or wrong.

DC are at University at the moment but will be back soon. DH has a brother in Canada who obviously can't help (but TBH hasn't visited his parents much over the years. Nipped over to London with a GF and didn't see his DPs).

My DPs are 5-10 years younger than PIL and are still active, but are clearly aging. I am working 5 days over 4 so that we can have Mondays together. Except that MIL has dressings changed 2 x a week and Mondays are my turn. We also have had GP appointments and clinics Monday afternoons.

I had booked next Friday off so that we could go into Manchester to see the new 'high line' and old library but had to cancel because DH has a meeting in Newcastle that day. I haven't been going to PILs so that I can spend time with my DPs, but I do need to do the housework then too.

It’s very difficult. I think it’s very important that your DH gets a weekend off here and there. Can he go every two weeks? What would happen if he wasn’t available? I’m in a similar position with my elderly parents who live 300 miles away. I can’t visit them
often all - every two-three months- because I’m in very poor health myself.

Believe it or not, I am being supportive!

@KimberleyClark your DH went every other weekend by train. My DH is every single weekend, driving at night after a long week.

FIL couldn't come to us because our house isn't suitable. Their home is a bungalow with a sitting room added on top. Their bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and a living room are downstairs so can be managed with a walking frame. Ours has lots of stairs.

DH has occasionally worked at PIL on a Friday but they are rural and Wi-Fi is dodgy. We are both on a hybrid model so need to go into the office, for DH it is 3 x a week.

DH's argument re moving MIL back home is that she is now registered with our GP and waiting for a memory clinic appointment. If she goes back to her old GP she will need to start again.

What stage is the house sale at? This isn't a good situation but it's finite. In say six months you will have a lot more time for your parents who are younger and still active. It makes sense for MILs appointments (she seems to have several a week) local to you as they are moving to your area and ferrying her back for each one from where she lives wouldn't be possible time wise.
The alternative of FIL coming to you and carer looking after both also seems worth considering in the short term.
Would your mum come to you for lunch/coffee etc if you have to be home for MIL?

Apologies I started typing before you posted again. Scratch the latter then.
How far along is the sale?

It’s not sustainable and could go on for years - stop doing it - it’s your husbands problem to find a proper solution. You have your own life to live.
Would they manage in sheltered housing now?

What an awful, selfish attitude.

Having looking after both sets of parents together my DH have now lost all of them. It was exhausting. Absolutely exhausting both physically, and emotionally. There's no way I'd have left him to get on with it when his parents needed us, and if he hadnt have helped me with mine I think it would have broken me.

Do you have a timeline on your ILs moving into the sheltered housing nearer you?

Years from now many of you may be complaining that your DC & DIL/SIL aren’t helping you for the few months it takes for suitable accommodation to become available to you when you are old, frail, scared and easily confused.

I am young but have developed multiple chronic conditions, I’m already nervous about how I will cope into old age after struggling to care for DF before a home place became available. It’s a worrying prospect when you know you will be doing it alone.

From January last year until he died recently I was caring for my dad every single weekend and taking him to hospital appointments. He had MND and my mother just couldn't physically do all of it as a disabled person. The care package didn't match up to his needs.

My husband and I are still trying to reconcile what that did to our relationship. He resents that I spent so much time away from being a wife and mother. I resent that he gave me a hard time caring for my dying dad...even though that hard time came from a place of concern that I needed more rest and downtime.

From my perspective, this is something I had to do. Not from a guilt or obligation aspect, purely because it's who I am. If I could turn back time, I'd do exactly the same. Even if the eventual cost of that is my marriage because the cost to me as a person not doing that would be too high.

I know the situation you're in is slightly different but just wanted to share my experience just in case it helps you.

I hope you can navigate this as a couple and the balance evens out so you can spend more time with you mother too. All the best to your whole family 💐

Years from now many of you may be complaining that your DC & DIL/SIL aren’t helping you for the few months it takes for suitable accommodation to become available to you when you are old, frail, scared and easily confused.

Op & her husband were already helping plenty re accommodation it seems.

Op's FIL unfortunately severely complicated things by trying to do something he wasn't capable of.

I'd be so pissed off with myself for that & the position it has landed Op in.

Not being able to see her own parents because of my actions?

In terms of timeline for the move, if all goes well, January or February. We are scared that the house sale might fall through as it all started before the Liz Truss mini budget fiasco. We really would have to think again then.

Sorry if I'm drip feeding but about 5 years ago we asked them to do this move so that everything wouldn't fall on DH when the proverbial hit the fan. They lived in Spain most of the time so the UK house was secondary. They had even found a nice house, but MIL changed her mind. So now here we are. Rather than popping to see them to help it's a 6-7 hour round trip costing £100 in petrol every week.

Ironically MIL's parents moved from Yorkshire to be close to PIL when they were in their 60s so it would be easier for MIL!!

A big thank you to everyone for your replies.

DH is a wonderful husband, father, son and son in law.

I do love my in-laws. They were lovely, fun people and we have always got along very well. They have never been realistic which is why we are where we are but that is just the way they are. They won't change now.

I think IAB a bit U as we may only have another couple of months. If the worst happens and the house sale falls through then DH and I will have to talk again.

Thank you to everyone for helping me see the wood for the trees. I now need to go and do my cleaning before they get back!

''@Gruelle · Today 10:07
He also needs a bit of life himself.

This is life, though. And it’s only been three months.''

That might a life you are happy with but other people don't need to martyr themselves.

The OP is perfectly right to want time for herself, her children and her own mother rather than be a 24 hour carer for her husband's elderly relatives.

Unless you are offering to help with the care I would back off with the judgemental attitude....

It is clear the current situation is not sustainable for the OP.

Unless you are offering to help with the care I would back off with the judgemental attitude....

Perhaps you’re not quite secure in your understanding of how a discussion forum works?

The whole situation sounds exhausting and stressful.
My own dad lives 4 hours away and I am dreading something like this happening, I'm not sure how I would manage.

Hopefully the house situation will be sorted in the new year and you can get a bit of normality back.
In the meantime I think all you can do is continue to support your DH and try to manage as best you can for now. Good luck!

If this situation has been going on since September and is likely to go on a couple of months, try to negotiate a single weekend or few days in the week off in the first instance. You seem to want a few things - to have a rest yourself, to see your own parents, and for your DH to be safe and well rested. September to January / February is a long enough stretch that I would try to find a way to get some space rather than pushing on through.

FIL will be okay for a single weekend without your DH visiting, for example, you don't have to reduce DH visits beyond that. Your MILs appointments are important but they can also be scheduled in conjunction with your schedule, making some space for your. Your MIL could spend a few days at PILs if they have 24 hour carers there. she might even prefer that.

I really hope that the move to supported housing near you goes ahead as planned.

I think MIL has to go back to FILs regardless of the memory clinic appointment.

Its madness to pay for a 24 hr carer, then split a married couple up and force you both in the situation where you have two people in separate destinations to care for.

What would DH do if you said that starting from now you were no longer willing to be MILs babysitter/carer/taxi driver?

If you want to reframe MIL returning to her own home so it sounds less selfish, if she is in cognitive decline it's cruel to separate a married couple from the limited time they have together, before she stops recognising him.

Welcome to the world of caring. The reality is that it takes over your life. Would it be possible for your FiL to move in too and keep the carer that would take the pressure off. If your MiL is in the early stages of dementia rather than general old age memory loss then it won't be long before sheltered housing is not viable.

Either of his frail parents could die soon so I'm sure it's much in DH's mind that each visit may be the last time they see each other. Yes, he's having a tough time right now (and so are you); but at least he won't face a lifetime's guilt and regret ( and neither will you).

Is their move to sheltered housing still going ahead, quite soon? If so I would just grit your teeth and count down the days to that.

Can you organise some day-respite care forMIL, perhaps at the care home they will be going to ? Or a carer in your home? Even one day a week would give you both a breathing space.