DH going to elderly FIL every weekend / MIL with us.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'm going into the lion's den because I don't know if IABU or not.

Brief summary, PIL live a 3 hour drive from us. They are mid-late 80s. MIL is quite frail and is getting very forgetful. In recent years FIL has bit by bit become MIL's carer.

They are (finally) selling up and moving to sheltered housing near us.

Anyway, in September FIL fell while cutting a hedge (despite being told not to) and broke his hip. DH drove down and brought MIL back to ours. She is still here.

DH has driven to PILs every single weekend since. Firstly to take MIL to visit FIL in hospital (and start clearing the house), then to see FIL when he was home with carers and friends going in. Now FIL has a live in carer 24 hours.

MIL staying with us is tricky because she can't be left. So far we have managed to organise WFH but that has been lucky. At some point we will both have to go in and I don't know how we will handle that. I have asked DH but he is swamped with handling the sale and purchase as well as holding down a busy job.

Selfishly I'm cross that my days off that I planned to spend with my elderly mum are spent taking MIL to various appointments for instead.

I never see DH properly. We are both exhausted every night then either all of us or DH and MIL do the long drive every weekend.

If you're still with me my AIBU is I would like DH to have the occasional weekend off. I'm worried about him getting exhausted (had a dodgy moment driving back a couple of weeks ago). He also needs a bit of life himself.

He tells me that he isn't 'selfish' and thinks it is unfair for FIL to not be visited every weekend.

An alternative would be for MIL to go back for the next couple of months. The live-in carer costs a fortune and is used to living with couples if necessary. However DH won't hear of it as she has appointments coming up near us.

So AIBU to think DH should take a weekend off for R&R and give us a weekend together? (Or take MIL back home for a few weeks?).

Yes I don’t get this attitude either.

I dont think your being YABU, these are your feelings. It does sound exhuasting set up both mentally and physically.

Maybe negiotate a weekend a month or more for both you and DH.

I work in the community and witness all sorts. Some families doing everything for their elderly loved ones and are exhausted from it. Others do nothing.
Some have live-in carers and are happy, some are have live-in carers and are miserable. I've visited some wonderful caring residental home and some horrids ones.

You have to find the solution which suits everyone, not just your PIL and DH but everyone involved in their care. "It take a village to raise a child" I also believe the same for an elderly person.

good luck

The whole thing sounds absolutely exhausting and I don't wonder you're at your wits end. But it is temporary.

You both need some time off and some time together. When the DC's finish up for Christmas, can that be made to happen? Even 24 hours together in a travelodge would help. And before that, I think you should both book separate days off work and do that individually!

I had to care for my MIL over lockdown, it's not fun, but the key is to not resent the other person for doing the best that they can. Make sure you price their house realistically and hopefully they'll be settled in the new year.

I would be taking a step back personally, it all sounds a bit much. Especially the giving up your Mondays -your husband should be dealing with those appointments. Your husband and his parents are not feeling the full effect of their decisions so things will continue like this. While you shield them from some of it

It is only a couple months and he is also dealing with a house that needs to get ready to be moved out of. He likely is also sorting through the house on his weekends there. Your FIL is also very vulnerable for abuse of many kinds from unrelated careers and it is important that family be actively involved. They are also rural and therefore not as connected to services. The live in carer would also need time off. Is it a rotating 24 hr service or is FIL sometimes alone?

Your PIL are moving to make it easier for you just like her parents did for her. It makes no sense to impede your MIL’s health and medical care when they are moving down so soon. Sending her back would be a poor choice.

Bring a carer into your house for a few hours here and there so you can spent time with your parents.

Hang in there OP. It sounds like your DH won't hear of any alternatives at the moment and maybe he needs to hit his own wall of tolerance to consider a different arrangement? In the meantime, if MIL has appointments to attend and she's moving to your area in Jan or Feb anyway, it makes sense for her to attend them. Your frustration and worry about your DH's health is understandable, but hopefully this is just a grim couple of months that must be endured and after that your ILs will be settled near you and things will then settle into a much easier routine.

At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel with the house sale and move. I did over 2 years of weekend visits to my DM after DF died and DM broke her hip in a fall a month later. I was a carer for my own disabled DC at the time and used virtually all my (limited) respite hours for 2+ years to drive the 3 hr round trip to visit DM, do jobs around the house and take her out (otherwise she only left the house for hospital appointments, which DB did). My DH used to come with me and do the gardening whilst I did housework/paperwork.

It's a tough old slog and you should be proud of your DH and his dedication to his parents. I hope the house sale goes through as planned and that you get some of your life back soon.

DH and I are in a similar situation with his parents and your posts chimed a lot with me. I really do feel for you - it's not even just the time it takes up, it's the constant worry every time there's an unexpected phone call, wondering if you can risk a second glass of wine or will you have to jump in the car at a moment's notice.

For you, it sounds as though things will get better once the move happens and if that's likely to be January or February (my fingers are crossed for you) then it's probably easier to just dig in and go with the flow for now.

However, I do think you need to have a serious talk about what will happen if the sale falls through as you need a back-up plan for that. If it does, could you rent a sheltered housing flat nearby for them? You are not being unreasonable to insist on a plan that's more sustainable if the move doesn't happen.

By the way, what does MIL want to do? Would she prefer to be back home with her husband? Mine would have wanted that and if I had full time live-in care for both of them, I would prioritise that. If it's only going to be until the move, then she can probably stay registered at current GP and maintain her place on the waiting list for the memory clinic - talk to them about whether that's an option as this isn't an unusual situation.

Also, you might want to visit the Elderly Parents board for advice and support. People there tend to be more supportive and slower to leap to judgement.

Good luck.

Could MIL go back to FIL on the weekends with your DH? They would both benefit them and give you a few days break. It doesn't sort your DH's tiredness but hopefully with his wife there FIL will need DH to occupy him less and he could get some rest.

Can you visit your DM at the weekend when he takes MIL to visit FIL, that way you see your DM every weekend too, this is a short period of time in your life and although you are making sacrifices it's something that you may regret if you dont do it.

My DM was my DF carer, he was 10 years older than her and was terminally ill, she nursed him for 7 years until he spent his final week in a hospice, prior to his illness he travelled to see his elderly parents in their nineties each weekend, brought them their food shop, paid their gas and electric as they were living off the state pension and struggling, my DMs own mum had alzeimers so she used this time to visit her DM. It literally lasted only 6 months and then sadly they passed over. My DF didnt drive so he had to take a couple of trains and a bus to visit each weekend and it did mean less time with my DM but they did what they had to for their parents.

Its a hard situation you are in, but it wont be forever as you know the sheltered housing is in hand for the future.

I’d tell him I’m visiting my mum this weekend, you’ll have to stay with yours. With a live in cater with his dad, don’t see the issue.

Just projecting here, possibly your husband is secretly scared that the weekend he doesn’t visit is the weekend his father will die.

Honestly ?
you probably need to find some time for your parents in this by discussing with DH but blimey. He’s trying his best to look after his old mum and dad I’d back him all the way.

Thank you again for the comments.

DH does take MIL with him when he goes to visit FIL. (It exhausts her). Sometimes I go, sometimes I stay at home and do our weekly cleaning and see my
Mum for a bit. But not as much as I had wanted to.

For now we will keep calm and carry on. And hope that the house goes through!

I don't think many people have actually asked what the PIL's want. Personally, if I were in that situation, I would be desperate to be back with my DH, not stuck with a DIL, who while doing her best to be kind, obviously wants to spend time with her DP's too. Have you actually asked THEM what they want OP?

Also, it sounds like there are a lot of people on here who have yet to lose a parent, and if the attitudes I'm seeing are anything to go by, there is going to be one hell of a lot of guilt around when they do. I know our parents chose to have us as babies, but providing they were good to us throughout our lives, then surely it's only right to give a little of our life back to them, when they need us.

I totally understand how difficult, tiring, and stressful this situation is, OP, and I think the person who mentioned that your DH is possibly living in fear that if he misses a weekend seeing his DF, it will be the weekend that he dies, has probably hit the nail on the head. When my DM was left alone, and frail, after DF died, every time I visited her, I wondered whether it would be the last time, and cried on the way home. Losing parents is much harder than perhaps most of you realise, so whether they be grumpy and difficult, or just need your time and attention, please be patient, they won't be here for ever, and once they're gone, you will wish them back for a long time, before you finally get used to facing the fact that you are now the 'older generation', and you will now perhaps be the one who is a burden of sorts on your family or society.

Life is a cycle, and getting old and eventually dying are all a part of it, so let's be kind when we can, as what goes around often comes around. Something to think about perhaps?

Have you both got any time off for the Christmas break ?

I'd try your utmost to at least have the ILs for an overnight with the carers and you have an overnight somewhere just the two of you, or back home with the two adult DCs.

A proper break will sustain you both for the next couple of months.

If he is taking MIL with him, then you have every weekend to yourself and to spend with your parents.

I have read your responses so far @whiteroseredrose, but I thought this bit in your opening message just jumped out at me:
"Selfishly I'm cross that my days off that I planned to spend with my elderly mum are spent taking MIL to various appointments for instead."

That has to stop.

By using your 'free' time to bring his mother to appointments, they (your DH and your MiL) are both robbing you of the time you have with your own mother.

Your DH's mother is his issue to resolve. If she has appointments to go to, he needs to contact the hospital/GP and either arrange for the GP to make a house visit (if that's even a thing any more) or for transportation to be arranged to bring her to hospital or he brings her.

You'll probably have 20 or so years of elderly parents (if they are in their 70's or so) so my advice is to think long an hard because what will happen with his parents may happen to yours and it'll be like you can't get off the merry-go-round again.

You need to spend time with your elderly mum too. Are these appointments on your days off, are they made because they line up with your day off or what? I don't like when my DH plans for me to do things on my days off (he was a devil at doing that in the past but I nipped that in the bud).

Another thing is that you say that they have put their home on the market and hopefully the house sale goes through in Jan/Feb. Has there been any interest in the property? Any genuine offers? I think your DH and you need to have a conversation (out of earshot of MiL) on what you might do if the house sale falls through. You need to plan and plan without emotion (if you can).

Best of luck to you on this.

This sounds exhausting. What a kind man your dh must be. You are not wrong to be annoyed though. I would be too.

I don’t think PIL will cope in sheltered housing. It doesn’t work with dementia.

Care home time. Sorry.

Is the memory clinic the only appt mil is on a waiting list for? I absolutely think she should be back with her DH if possible. I suppose you do need to update her address as she's having regular appts you can't just arrange to bring her down for them.

If she stays, perhaps look into a care agency that could cover for the days you're both in the office or have her 'visit' her DH for a few days.

If mil can't be left, how will she cope in sheltered accommodation.

Also agree with this, sounds as if you'll stilled expected to be taxi driver and carer even when they live near as sheltered housing don't provide this service.

Thanks again for the comments.

It may well be necessary for MIL to go into a Care home soon, but not just yet. Until FIL's fall they were coping pretty well. We don't want to leave MIL for fear that she will fall down the stairs. Fortunately there are no stairs in the apartment and there is a community driver service in the area to take them to appointments. There are also red buttons all over. We will arrange for carers to go in twice a day too.

We will need to keep track of things for them but that will be fine. They will be close by so we can pop in, do shopping and some laundry but then go home.

Do bear I mind community drivers will usually not go before the door so won't take them into their appointment. You would still need someone with her.