DH going to elderly FIL every weekend / MIL with us.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'm going into the lion's den because I don't know if IABU or not.

Brief summary, PIL live a 3 hour drive from us. They are mid-late 80s. MIL is quite frail and is getting very forgetful. In recent years FIL has bit by bit become MIL's carer.

They are (finally) selling up and moving to sheltered housing near us.

Anyway, in September FIL fell while cutting a hedge (despite being told not to) and broke his hip. DH drove down and brought MIL back to ours. She is still here.

DH has driven to PILs every single weekend since. Firstly to take MIL to visit FIL in hospital (and start clearing the house), then to see FIL when he was home with carers and friends going in. Now FIL has a live in carer 24 hours.

MIL staying with us is tricky because she can't be left. So far we have managed to organise WFH but that has been lucky. At some point we will both have to go in and I don't know how we will handle that. I have asked DH but he is swamped with handling the sale and purchase as well as holding down a busy job.

Selfishly I'm cross that my days off that I planned to spend with my elderly mum are spent taking MIL to various appointments for instead.

I never see DH properly. We are both exhausted every night then either all of us or DH and MIL do the long drive every weekend.

If you're still with me my AIBU is I would like DH to have the occasional weekend off. I'm worried about him getting exhausted (had a dodgy moment driving back a couple of weeks ago). He also needs a bit of life himself.

He tells me that he isn't 'selfish' and thinks it is unfair for FIL to not be visited every weekend.

An alternative would be for MIL to go back for the next couple of months. The live-in carer costs a fortune and is used to living with couples if necessary. However DH won't hear of it as she has appointments coming up near us.

So AIBU to think DH should take a weekend off for R&R and give us a weekend together? (Or take MIL back home for a few weeks?).

Sheltered housing is not like a care home. Why does FIL need a live in carer? How will he cope when in sheltered housing with MIL who is frail and developing dementia

FiL needs a carer because he broke his hip. There is no particular reason why he and mil can manage in sheltered housing, perhaps with sone care input, at least for a while. Dementia moves at different speeds - its taken my father 6 years to get to a point where a care home is the needed

Hi. We are comfortable that they will be fine in sheltered housing nearby.

When FIL was discharged from hospital (a fiasco) the discharge package was OH and also 3 visits a day. He was fine with this.

When the care package came to an end they recommended the 24 hour care for a few weeks. This could possibly be to cover their backs in case something happened in the night and they didn't want any come-back. We are over 3 hours away so couldn't just nip round - though fingers crossed that will change soon.

With appointments they have always gone together in the community transport. The driver waits and then takes them home.

FIL is now walking with just a stick a lot of the time, so is making good progress.

Sounds difficult but if your Dh is taking his mum at weekends you are getting some time to see your mum (not as much as you would like obviously). Your Dh is seeing his parents get more vulnerable and it must be difficult watching them decline. He probably worries that is he makes less than 100% effort for them he will regret it later. I do understand where he is coming from with the memory clinic, if they are moving near you anyway and this is going to be an ongoing issue he probably wants firstly for her to be seen asap and secondly continuity of care. If she goes back home and goes on a waiting list then moves in 2 months again and have to switch over again it will be extremely disruptive.

Personally I would grit my teeth but have a back up plan if the move falls through for any reason. It’s a few months, a hard few months but it’ll be over soon hopefully.

Have they bought the new house yet? They usually vet new residents to ensure they are in reasonable health

Sorry OP, but I've noticed that you haven't answered the question that a couple of us asked, about what your P'sIL would like to do, ie, would they be happier if living together until the move? The reason I asked this, is that taking into account their age, it's possible that either one of them could pass away at any time, and if they would prefer to be together, it would be awful if they were separated and this happened. If this is what they would like, and FIL is making good progress as you say, then surely it would be better to take MIL home, and just fetch her back for the memory appointment, rather than continuing with the stressful situation that you and your DH currently find yourselves in. I'm sure being the caring couple that you obviously are, you have asked them this, but with everything that's been going on, it is possible that you may not have actually taken this into account, and from my own experience, in trying to do the best thing for my own parents, I made this mistake. I sailed in when Mum called me in tears saying that she couldn't cope, and spent hours organising for my father who had come home from hospital too soon, to be taken into a convalescent home. I got back from arranging all this with the doctor, and told Mum and Dad what I'd done, thinking it the best solution for them both, as Mum simply couldn't cope with lifting him and doing everything that he needed. However, to my dismay, my Dad burst into tears, and told me that he'd lied to the nursing staff at the hospital, telling them that he could do things that he couldn't, because he was so desperate to get home, and now I was going to send him away again. I felt TERRIBLE, because I'd only thought of the practicalities, and not how my parents would actually feel. In the end we made other arrangements, and I was so glad we did, as 3 days later Dad was taken back into hospital, where he died shortly after.

Hi. Sorry not to have answered the question - are they really keen to be together? In truth, I'm not sure!

On Saturday, DMIL told DH that she wanted to go 'home' by which she meant our home! There is a huge back story that I can't go into, but they moved on. FIL is always delighted to see MIL but it isn't long before they start bickering. MIL gets easily irritated by him.

The memory clinic is the one DH is focusing on, but there are also twice-weekly dressing changes and also a falls clinic in the pipeline. We'd have to start again at the old surgery. It isn't really practical to take her back permanently.

Sorry, I issued another question. They've made an offer on the sheltered housing apartment and it has been accepted. We are now waiting for the chain to come together.

That's not how marriage works though is it. It's not a case of tough tits it's your mother your problem.

I think it is EXACTLY how it works for lots of men.

They are not involved in the care of their in laws at all, but expect their wives to be fully involved when it comes to his parents when the time comes.

I know a few women who have been caught out, but conversely I have several good friends whose husbands never involved themselves at all and when it came to their turn to help out with elderly parents were put very straight that having gone through it once, they were not doing it again.

Some couples are great to share the load which is wonderful, but I know far more cases where the husbands didn't get even slighly involved, not realising that their turn might come.

Are you sure sheltered housing is going to provide them with the support they're going to need?

Are they going to be able to cope together in sheltered housing from a compatibility point of view. The apartments are normally quite small. My DM moved into one after DF died, there is absolutely no way they could have coped living in one together, they would have driven each other mad!

I havent read full thread but good advice given to me when I was at the beginning of supporting my mum more was that you need to look after yourself in order to help/care for anyone else. This would be useful to point out to your dh.

I was also told to be careful of setting up expectations that would be difficult to sustain in the long term - you might want to gently begin the conversation with your dh about what support for your ILs will look like once they have moved closer to you.

With regard to leaving MIL and worrying about her falling - my mum ( and my late aunt) had one of those pendants/fall alert things - would that be any use ?

Would suggest you have a look at the elderly parents thread on here - great source of advice/support. It was a life saver for me.

Hope all works out.

It's a tough situation, OP, but it sounds as if everything's starting to fall into place and it won't be long before you have your lives back to something more like normal. This is the reality of having elderly parents and I'd urge you to hang on in there and support your husband (through gritted teeth if necessary) because you know he's doing the right thing for the right reasons. He clearly loves his parents and he needs your support now.

You've said your parents are younger and independent. I think it's unfair of you to play the 'not getting enough time with my own elderly mother' card. There's no fairness or good timing in this. Elderly parents require complex adjustments and there may come a time when you need to lean heavily on your DH for his support.

Can you adjust your attitude slightly and focus on celebrating the fact that your DH is a loving, dedicated man who is doing what he can to support his mum and dad through a crisis? For the moment, I'd bear the burden and look for ways in which everyone can get what they need? That might perhaps include getting someone else in to manage MIL's dressings or someone to sit with her for a few hours at the weekend while you see your mother.

I speak, by the way, as someone whose in-laws required intensive involvement for more than a decade, so I know something of what you're going through.

I'd also say that in your shoes I'd be looking for a facility that offers different levels of care for your in-laws. Sheltered housing doesn't routinely offer a great deal of support and you may find that within a year or two they need more intensive input. Easier for them if that doesn't mean moving again.

Thank you to everyone for their good advice. I've been so involved in the day to day commitments that I haven't taken the bigger view.

I know that this situation isn't permanent and I can live with it. I do love my PIL, MIL especially. It is tiring but not forever.

I still wish DH would take a bit of time off, but he needs to do what he thinks best.

I wish you well. Not trying to minimise the stress you're under, but you can either pull together as a couple at times like this, or pull apart and end up making a difficult time even worse. Here's hoping the sale of their property and their transfer closer to you happens swiftly. That will make it easier for you all.