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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried he doesn't want to marry me

79 replies

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:08

I'm 31 and partner 3 years younger. Been together almost 3 years now, living together for 2. He's never told me he wants to marry me. Early in our relationship he said he'd like to get married (in general).
But he's never once mentioned us being married, engaged, having children etc.
He's talked about purchasing a house, however.
Around 6 months ago I talked to him about it. I asked him if he saw us getting married one day. It was almost like he had to think about what to say, he kind of made some jokes and then let out a soft, 'yeah'.
But I have no idea.
Maybe just under 3 years together is too soon to get engaged?
Or 28 is too young for a man to get engaged? It doesn't mean we'd even be married for another year or so after, so he'd be nearer 30.
I'm just worrying. Looking at my friends, most were engaged around the 3 year point, some a bit sooner, one still not engaged after 8 years so it's all different.
I know times have changed and women shouldn't be sitting around waiting for a proposal. But I've already brought it up once.
I go by the mantra of if somebody wants to do something, they will. He's never said a word to me about it, if there's ever a wedding joke he just laughs and changes the subject.
What if he says he isn't ready yet? That's fine of course, but what if he's still not ready a year, 2 years later? How long could I wait for something that might never happen?
He seems very happy with me and committed but I know that doesn't mean they want to marry you.
I'm really not fussed about fancy rings and big wedding days and he knows that, I'd literally go to the registry office.
Just looking for advice, as this is playing on my mind a lot..

OP posts:

Cheesuswithallama · 03/12/2022 21:12

I go by the mantra of if somebody wants to do something, they will.

Do then. You don't need to do proposal thing like on youtube, just say that you want to marry him and if he wants to do it. And make it clear you are serious.

MsVestibule · 03/12/2022 21:12

I'm presuming you would like to have children? Is being married important to you before you do that?

Dixiechickonhols · 03/12/2022 21:12

All you can do is decide what you want Op and speak to him. If you want children and want to marry before having them then you need to discuss things. How does he see things in 5 yrs?

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 21:13

But I've already brought it up once.
I go by the mantra of if somebody wants to do something, they will.

Then take your own advice.
If you want to know for sure, keep asking.
It's the only way you can get a real answer from him.
Give yourself a timeframe and if he doesn't give you the answer you want, leave and look for someone who will.

If you go by the mantra..then go by it. Do exactly what you want.

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:14

I didn't say this in my op but I'm really on the fence about children. Leaning more towards not wanting any, so that isn't important but the marriage is I think.
I have zero idea how he sees the future, he doesn't really talk about things like that, just lives in the now.

OP posts:

Merlott · 03/12/2022 21:15

Well it's make or break time then isn't it?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? How does he treat you when you're ill or something goes wrong like your car breaks down? Does he care for you, support you? Pull his weight around the house?

If you don't want to be with him then dump him.

If you do want to choose him then tell him, it's marriage house and kids time or fuck off and stop wasting my time!

It's your life don't throw it away on some bloke who cba!

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 21:16

Eh its definitely important if you haven't spoke to him about kids.

Do you know his stance?

You need to know that before you even think about marriage.

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:16

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

OP posts:

Unbridezilla · 03/12/2022 21:16

I think you need to tell him exactly what you have said here. Ask him to be open and honest with you and say that you'd ideally like to be married (and with kids?) by this sort of time, what does he think? Also ask him not to mess you around, take time to think seriously about his answer. Good luck!

Unfortunately, my 6 year relationship went like this and it turns out that, actually I was good enough to live with but not "enough" to marry ("why do you always want more?" He kept saying). So we split, but I am now with a man who gets it and on the same page. In fact, I think I laid it out on our second date. (Just that my life involved marriage and kids, not necessarily with him, but if that wasn't in his future then let's not prolong things).

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 21:16

Early in our relationship he said he'd like to get married (in general).

Was he lying to woo you? He wants to get married but not to you? I’d be asking why he said that and what’s changed.

Definitely put talk of house buying on hold.

You’re doing the right thing by realising this is an issue and by having had a talk about it. If you really want to get married then 3 years is a perfectly reasonable time to discuss whether it’s going to happen with this one. If it’s not then it’s sensible to walk away.

In what ways do you feel he shows he’s committed to you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 21:17

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:16

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

It’s not

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2022 21:17

Stop sleepwalking through your own life. Don't ask him, tell him what you want, and if he isn't on board, it's time to jump ship.

Don't buy a house or have a child unless you are married.

crussont · 03/12/2022 21:18

Do you want to marry him?

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:18

You're right. I think I'd give it until the 4 year mark, if nothing after 4 years then I'd have to call it a day unfortunately

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 03/12/2022 21:18

Three years isn't too soon op. Put your cards on the table. If he demures life's too short. Move on out, move on up.

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 21:19

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

But this isnt what your problem is.

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:19

I do want to marry him yes, and it's a good question but he just seems happy, tells me he loves me a lot, always makes time for me, is faithful that I know of, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:20

I think I just saw a thread on here once where people were saying things like, "My DP wasn't ready for marriage so I waited another 7 years and then he finally asked me, so what's the rush." 🙄

OP posts:

crussont · 03/12/2022 21:20

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:19

I do want to marry him yes, and it's a good question but he just seems happy, tells me he loves me a lot, always makes time for me, is faithful that I know of, etc.

Talk to him. If you can't get a straight answer out of him about marriage then move on

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 21:20

You're right. I think I'd give it until the 4 year mark, if nothing after 4 years then I'd have to call it a day unfortunately

You're going to wait one more year to see if he just comes to you himself and declares how he wants his future to be ?

Original poster

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:21

I mean I'd wait one more year to see if he's ready or not? Maybe he'd feel differently after a year? Sadly I don't think he's ready yet else he'd have already asked, right?

OP posts:

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/12/2022 21:21

If he talks about anything like children, house buying etc, I'd just breezily say, "Oh well I wouldn't even think of that unless I was married."

Cheesuswithallama · 03/12/2022 21:21

You gotta love it when op just ignores people and keeps repeating something from different threads....

WhatLikeItsHard · 03/12/2022 21:22

If you can't have talk to him and say that you would like to get married and that you don't think you want children, then I don't think you should get married to him. You should be able to talk about the future with the person that you want to spend the future with.

Why do you want to get married? Do you want to get married to him or just married in general?

How would being married change anything about your current relationship?

Does he know that you don't want children? That could be a potential deal breaker and something that needs to be discussed before marriage.

WonderfulCounsellors · 03/12/2022 21:23

Just spell it out, if after three years he can’t have a proper discussion just forget it. As soon as you get to mid thirties the pool of decent men shrinks, not saying there aren’t any but lots of people are coupled up around this age. I was engaged after 6 months, married at 18 months, 27 years ago and I was 30 when I met DH aged 28. Okay it’s all ruddy anecdotal isn’t it but your issue is not being able to communicate, if you can’t regardless of subject it’s never going to work marriage or not.

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