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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Worried he doesn't want to marry me

79 replies

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:08

I'm 31 and partner 3 years younger. Been together almost 3 years now, living together for 2. He's never told me he wants to marry me. Early in our relationship he said he'd like to get married (in general).
But he's never once mentioned us being married, engaged, having children etc.
He's talked about purchasing a house, however.
Around 6 months ago I talked to him about it. I asked him if he saw us getting married one day. It was almost like he had to think about what to say, he kind of made some jokes and then let out a soft, 'yeah'.
But I have no idea.
Maybe just under 3 years together is too soon to get engaged?
Or 28 is too young for a man to get engaged? It doesn't mean we'd even be married for another year or so after, so he'd be nearer 30.
I'm just worrying. Looking at my friends, most were engaged around the 3 year point, some a bit sooner, one still not engaged after 8 years so it's all different.
I know times have changed and women shouldn't be sitting around waiting for a proposal. But I've already brought it up once.
I go by the mantra of if somebody wants to do something, they will. He's never said a word to me about it, if there's ever a wedding joke he just laughs and changes the subject.
What if he says he isn't ready yet? That's fine of course, but what if he's still not ready a year, 2 years later? How long could I wait for something that might never happen?
He seems very happy with me and committed but I know that doesn't mean they want to marry you.
I'm really not fussed about fancy rings and big wedding days and he knows that, I'd literally go to the registry office.
Just looking for advice, as this is playing on my mind a lot..

OP posts:
Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 23:00

Op if you can’t even have this conversation then you certainly shouldn’t be getting married, to get married your relationship should be strong enough you can have open and honest conversations, you’re scared to tell this bloke you want to get married. You’re scared to have a,proper convo on it. If you can’t do that then your relationship is not strong enough for marriage

Funkyblues101 · 03/12/2022 23:24

If you're living together then he has all the benefits of a wife without the legal commitment, so why on earth would he marry you?

Startright453 · 03/12/2022 23:26

MsVestibule · 03/12/2022 21:12

I'm presuming you would like to have children? Is being married important to you before you do that?

Dah, don’t have kids without a piece of paper. Secure yourself lady. Marriage can drag on affairs happen marriages break up. This way you are more protected.

Startright453 · 03/12/2022 23:30

Ps you were his age when you started dating him. Just pin him down. It does not matter if it breaks up or not. If you want marriage you are still at your prime right now. At 35, not quite so.

BMW6 · 03/12/2022 23:37

Personally I'd think you'd know damn well if you wanted to marry someone after living together for a year.

If he still isn't sure he never will be with you. IMHO.

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/12/2022 23:42

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:14

I didn't say this in my op but I'm really on the fence about children. Leaning more towards not wanting any, so that isn't important but the marriage is I think.
I have zero idea how he sees the future, he doesn't really talk about things like that, just lives in the now.

If you don't want children then why is marriage do necessary? It won't change the relationship significantly

GrumpyPanda · 03/12/2022 23:44

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:16

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

My parents got engaged after 3 months. Both in their thirties mind you, and figured by that time they knew well enough what kind of person they'd fit with. Over fifty years together in the end.

forrestgreen · 03/12/2022 23:46

Have a serious discussion and don't let him off

I'm a person who wants to be married
If you don't see a future where we're married I need to know.

If he sounds cagey, you need to think about leaving.

Pointymetalsculptures · 04/12/2022 00:12

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/12/2022 23:42

If you don't want children then why is marriage do necessary? It won't change the relationship significantly

Being married is very important to people for lots of reasons and have nothing to do with having children.

It is also a legal contact and the quickest/easiest/cheapest way to achieve lots of rights that can be extremely important during and after a marriage.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/12/2022 00:19

Pointymetalsculptures · 04/12/2022 00:12

Being married is very important to people for lots of reasons and have nothing to do with having children.

It is also a legal contact and the quickest/easiest/cheapest way to achieve lots of rights that can be extremely important during and after a marriage.

I'm aware there benefits to being married (there are also disadvantages).

I'm trying to understand the motivations specific to the OP.

Sandra1984 · 21/02/2023 17:16

Give him a deadline. No more than 6 months. If you’re not married by then you leave him and move out. Plenty fish out there.

PinkTonic · 21/02/2023 17:23

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:16

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

If marriage is important to you it’s perfectly reasonable to ask what he’s thinking so that you can plan accordingly. What I don’t get is moving in together in under a year without a clear plan. Who initiated that? Without a plan for the future that you are both happy with he’s just enjoying halved living expenses and sex on tap for as long as it suits him isn’t he?

Kitkatfiend31 · 21/02/2023 18:08

You need to talk to him! Stop pretending it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum but an open and honest conversation. What does he want in his future? He might want children. Does he see his future with you? Tell him how you feel. If he loves you he should at least listen and talk about this with you. If it is just a jokey reply then he's told you what you need to know. How many threads have you read where people wait years for a proposal. Eventually split up and tge ex is married to someone else within a year.

Wishimaywishimight · 21/02/2023 19:06

3 years is far from being "too soon".
28 is not "too young".
He doesn't want to even talk about marriage with you.
He is not "not sure".
Of course he knows, after 3 years, if he wants to marry you. If he doesn't even mention it then he doesn't see a future with you.
Waste another year with him if you want, you are only wasting your own time.
Chances are you are Miss Right Now, not Miss Right.

Dacadactyl · 21/02/2023 19:35

I wouldn't buy a house with him if I wasn't married to him.

After 3 years at his age, he needs to piss or get off the pot IMO.

I think you need to decide whether you want to continue with him or not. I'd be thinking "if I'm not engaged by xxx point, I'm leaving him"

Timesawastin · 21/02/2023 19:58

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:16

I feel like people will tell me that 3 years is far too soon, they waited 12 years to get engaged or something like that.
Maybe it is too soon?

Huh? 12 years?
Engaged after ten months, married ten months after that. 37 years and counting...

AnaNimmity · 22/02/2023 05:55

I think there’s a ‘Goldilocks zone’ for marriage proposals. Any sooner than about a year/18 months is arguably a bit soon and runs the risk of you not knowing each other well enough.

In contrast, anything longer than about 4/5 years in, and it's a worrying sign that he’s just not that into you.

in your shoes op, I’d be off tbh. Even if you did start issuing ultimatums, and got proposal, is this really the way you’d want it to happen?

Ladybug14 · 22/02/2023 06:18

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:21

I mean I'd wait one more year to see if he's ready or not? Maybe he'd feel differently after a year? Sadly I don't think he's ready yet else he'd have already asked, right?

If he wanted to marry you, he'd have said

Hes had more than enough time to say yes or yes but in 5 years or whatever

His true answer is no

Sit down with him and talk it out

Be prepared to move on, though, as I don't think he wants marriage with you

Aprilx · 22/02/2023 06:25

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:20

I think I just saw a thread on here once where people were saying things like, "My DP wasn't ready for marriage so I waited another 7 years and then he finally asked me, so what's the rush." 🙄

I have seen very few threads like that to be honest. I think once they get the house and sometimes the kids too, they get less and less inclined to marry. Three years is quite enough for a man in his late 20s.

TheaBrandt · 22/02/2023 06:26

Moved in 3 months after first date engaged after 1 year married the following summer. He was 27 I was 29 when we met. We are get on with it types though and can’t bear faffing around. Twenty year anniversary next year

ImSoConfusedAboutItAll · 22/02/2023 07:11

This thread is old and OP hasn't been back since December

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 07:29

After 3 years he knows if he wants to Marry you or not and it looks like it’s a not since he changes the topic.

He will be one of those men who within six months of you splitting has found the one engaged, planning the wedding etc.

Don’t just coast along like you are a bystander in this relationship.

Men know within the first year I’d say if they see a proper future with you after that it’s either timing or they just anit into you. Difference being one would have plans for the future with you and you know about them the other just drags on life.

RosaBonheur · 22/02/2023 07:35

Jacketpotato65 · 03/12/2022 21:14

I didn't say this in my op but I'm really on the fence about children. Leaning more towards not wanting any, so that isn't important but the marriage is I think.
I have zero idea how he sees the future, he doesn't really talk about things like that, just lives in the now.

You're not ready to get engaged if you haven't properly discussed these things.

Tbh, if you don't want children, I'm not sure what the hurry is for you either.

Passerillage · 22/02/2023 07:39

I would not marry somebody who was on the fence about having children - it’s far too big a part of life to leave to chance. If you kind of don’t want them and he kind of - or really - does, then he will never marry you and nor should he.

Even if he absolutely doesn’t, and you are in two minds, it’s reasonable for him to hold off because you might turn around in 5 years and say you really really want a child before it’s too late, and then what?

I think you need to decide, in your own heart, what you want on that front, tell your DP and see if he wants to be a part of that future.

Then say that it is very important to you to be married before you start a family and you want to start a family now, so…

Pyewhacket · 22/02/2023 07:44

Zombie